Getting the courage to just do it! - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I just have some questions...if I can remember to come back over to this forum! I tend to stay in GQ and never venture out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I REALLY want to just file for a divorce! But I am so scared to! I am scared that I wont be financially secure once the divorce is final, although I know I will get a large CS check each month...

I do love my HUSBAND, I do not love the man he is NOW! The baby is another story! I just dont think that our marriage will be able to survive this HUGE bump in the road!

That man hasn't got a clue if it hit him in the face! He has such a hard time opening up to me and being HONEST now! He has a hard time trying to COLLIDE the two worlds, two worlds that were never supposed to collide, but in order to SAVE the marriage they MUST collide! i have told him over and over I WILL accept the child...but I just dont think he is capaable of it! I think the problem boils down to having ME be a part of THAT world that he has created!

I may be wrong, but I think he would rather just have visitation with the baby on his own and keep us on the side! HAHA!

I just want to get the courage to file the freakin divorce and get it over with!

How can i take the steps and not be so scared to do it! My attorney is asking for a $5000 retainer fee upfront! I dont want another attorney cuz he is the best in town and from my town they are hard to come by!

What should I do...how do I get that courage! I know I can raise the boys alone! I know I can survive alone! but financially, I just dont know! i am scared to death to be on my OWN! Any insight please?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Momto3Boys:

I may be wrong, but I think he would rather just have visitation with the baby on his own and keep us on the side! HAHA!

I<hr /></blockquote>DING DING DING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is it exactly. Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions, but I have long ago belived that you needed to DV your WH. I understand your fear. Anyone in your situation would feel the same. I think sometimes you continue to hope for the probably unrealisitic notion that your WH is going to "wake up". He may some day, but at what cost to you and your children in the mean time? There is no easy way to DV, there really isn't. You just have to do it.

Your WH will be MADE to pay CS. PLease make sure you file for that NOW, especially considering that there is an OC. You continue to short change yourself with respect to your strength. YOu had your A$$ kicked by life this past year, and you are still standing. You are scared to be alone......you know...SO WHAT, we all are. I am not being mean here, but just trying to let you know that we know how it feels. We feel your pain, but also know that you can do it. YOu can raise your children. If you have to get some kind of job to supplement the CS/alimony than you will do that.

You were dealt a bad deal, but you still have all of the control in your life as to how you will now react to this.

YOur WH is someday going to crash to the ground in a way you have not ever seen before. It is your time NOW, to protect yourslef and children from this. If you are ready for the DV.............JUST DO IT. Talk to the lawyer tomorrow.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lemonman:
 [QUOTE] Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions,

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>LM, why on earth would you think that ***I*** dont like your advice and opinions!

I enjoy reading your posts and I value your advice and opinions! Some people may value your advice because your a surgeon :rolleyes:Well, you know that makes absolutely NO difference to me WHAT the he!! you do for a living! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You could be a garbabge truck driver it it wouldn't matter to me!

What matters to me is the WAY people express themselves! You ahve come a long way in the WAY you do that! I do value your advice! I wish you would post to me more often! altough I try not to post over in GQ about my sitch much anymore! I'm not liked much on these boards lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, on to ME now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I KNOW I NEED to just file the darn divorce! But golly, I have such a heart! I wish I didn't have this stupid heart of mine! I know one day that man will fall flat on his face and I dont want to see that happen! I dont want him to hurt the way that I have! is that stupid or what! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, I am making myself SICK over this decision...I guess I just need to get the balls to do it once and for all! It's about time I think about ME for once! **SIGH**

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lemonman:
 [QUOTE] Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions,

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>LM, why on earth would you think that ***I*** dont like your advice and opinions!

I enjoy reading your posts and I value your advice and opinions! Some people may value your advice because your a surgeon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>LOL, I would hope noone values my advice just because I am surgeon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Mom, as YOU KNOW 1ST HAND, Physicians are some of the most dysfunctional people alive. I felt a little bad yesterday when the whole pissing contest began about NC and Other children on my thread. At first I felt partly responsible for that, and then realized that I actually did not say or do anything wrong (neither did anyone else). It is an emotionally driven subject and is best left to be dealt with ONLY on the Prec/OC board. I did read where a poster on the P/OC board felt that all the anger should be directed at me (actually chuckled at that one) for mentioning the thread. The "old" me would have respoded with a 2 x 4 laced reply, but I let it slide. That shows I am growing. I was afriad that you were offended also by my opinions on the matter. You are one of the posters I like alot here and did not want you to feel hurt by what I said..

It takes some damn big Balls to do what you did with going on TV, etc...NOw, use those Balls and get this Divorce filed. Let Ed know that his second chances have ended. LET HIM KNOW BY YOUR ACTIONS.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't have children so I can only imagine how hard that must be to add into the mix.

But I was stuck for a long time in that same place, afraid to be alone, afraid to give up hope and afraid to take that step. I finally did it once I realized that what I had was nothing. It was not a marriage,it was something I spent all my time worried about and trying to figure out a way to change. He was not here in any real way. And staying stuck was only prolonging my chance to start healing.

Now I am 2 years past divorce and I have met a great guy who just sent me a beatiful love poem. I am amazed at how much we are alike, how much we can talk and how we can resolve issues with respect and honasty. I am so happy I am not stuck with my X, who was unhappy and uncomunicative... even before the affair. I am free and managing my life and finacially OK and healthier and happier then I have ever been.

Take the step.... give up fighting the uphill battle with someone who is not willing to meet yoou half way. Take care of yourself and your children.

I am in the same boat you are in. I am so afriad of failure. My H took a akmost a 30 grand hit in pay. So my CS will be nothing. I haven't worked in almost 8 years. I will get maintentance but it will not amount to much. The state I live in is very expensive to live and child care would just cost as much as my salary. Makes no sense. High cost to live but the pay is crap!

I am scared to death but I look at my kids and see the damage that we are doing and I don't want them to be disfuctinal and think this is how a marriage should be. This is not normal.
So you may keep that in mind. Sorry I don't know your story to well. I was hoping I could find more answers to our almost the same problem on your thread!

Ali~

I am feeling the same way, I separated from my husband right before Christmas, we had a major fight. I left and moved five hours away, with my little boy. I'm holding onto hope, but after this weekend I think it's about gone. A friend told me to file for a divorce months ago while I was reallly mad, somehow I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. What am I doing? Watching him, waiting for him to change? Really this weekend was so rediculous, I brought the baby by to see him, I stayed a night down the hallway. My idiotic husband wanted to fight about stupid things, I left, went to a coffee shop and worked all day while he was with his son. I said NO MORE. That's it. I cannot live with such rediculous, petty fights. I've had ENOUGH. My stuff is still at his house, clothes, boxes, etc other then what I needed. I just bought new furniture to furnish my small apartment. Guess I'm finally seeing my husband for what he is, for what my friends and family saw him as all along, a selfish, manipulative pig. Even at this point he's so mean, he can't even control himself. He's going to classes, anger management as he's forced to now. They say it won't help with a control freak, no one changes when forced into it. They have to want to. So as I watch this man, I don't see anything happening... what am I waiting for? When can I get on with my life. I agree with the other poster, that it's likely you can't really heal until after the divorce is filed and done... otherwise you are holding on right? I can't hold on forever. Actually I have a deadline, I'm going to file for the divorce at the end of my rental agreement. I signed a six month lease, I'm about half way through. I realize people hang out for years separated and I wont' do it. I've made a vow and I'm going to stick with it. This man I married doesn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt that long, especially after he was such a jerk this weekend. Another thing I did, and I shouldn't have, I started emailing a few men in my area from a singles site. I told them I'm only separated, said I didn't want to meet yet, just wanted to email. Guess I just wanted to be reassured that there is life out there. You know it's helped. They are both professionals, one has a kid too. The other doesn't but went through a divorce too. Even in emails they are nicer then my husband ever was. My dad is dying of cancer my husband was never there for me, with my dad sick, with a new baby, with a move, and running a business. He's so selfish he could care less. It wouldn't take much for some guy I don't even know on the internet to be more supportive of me. That makes it more rediculous. I'm not suggesting you do this, as I still think it's wrong as I'm not divorced. Yet I won't date them. Just chatting, just in need of friends is all. Some reality outside my psycho marriage from hell. I was in this for four years. I'm done. I think you know when you are done and ENOUGH is ENOUGH. People said you just come to that point. But I'm with you, actuallyl putting the money down on the attorney, how do you do it? I've called and emailed them before. It's a lot of money. But I too will get a big child support check, plus money from equity in our house and investments my husband made. And my business is increasing in value so that'll be the con of waiting too much longer, I'm doing very well without him as I can think, concentrate, be happy... I was miserable a long time. Is it selfish to want to be happy? Even if it means raising my son alone? I don't know your entire story, but it sounds like you have been through the wringer too....

Momto3boys... There is no easy way - You just like lemonman says - you just have todo it - whether you want to or not - you have to do it for your sanity... You need to go on.. You have given dad all sorts of chances - you have been willing to accept the baby - and like you said you think it won't happen because he won't let you in... Divorce - you will be surprised how strong you are - and what you can do to survive on your own.. I have been divorced now 2 years - financially it bites - but you know what I am making it - Being a single parent is no walk in the park - but my life has been a lot less quieter without the constant drama - don't get me wrong - there is drama - it is just not on a daily basis.... So pretty much you just have to put one foot in front of the other and realize that you are worth it - and you do not deserve this - and you know what if he comes around at some point good for you ... But if he doesn't well then you my friend - will know that you have done everything in your power to make it work - You just cannot fix something that is broken with two people - with only one person trying to do all the fixing....

Like Horsey, I also moved out right before Christmas. I am now getting REALLY antsy to get the legalities over with. We still have taxes to finish for last year, and he needs to sign our web domain over to me as the admin. I still want some of the X-mas ornaments he promised me, but could let those go.

I've started wondering what to do next too. We already divided everything up, including all possessions, the dogs, houses, etc. I still have equity in his house but had made him an offer about a month ago that he could buy me out if he wants to. I'd prefer that - no loose ends hanging around.

There is no reason for a lawyer, except to make sure we have defined everything in the agreement. For example, I believe we have to spell out who is responsible for what bills (to protect ourselves from future creditors if the other one defaults). And things like that - I don't even know what these things are. But I sure don't want to pay someone the big bucks for basically just paperwork.

M23B...

Of course you're afraid! I was the one paying for pretty much everything in our marriage, and I was afraid. No matter how much you know in your head that you will be ok, that you will get through it, that fear just keeps poking it's ugly head in.

The only way past that is to say, "ok, I'm afraid, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I need to do."

I know you still really love D23B - or at least, who he was when you married him. That will make it tough too. You'll know what you need to be able to take care of you and the boys, but when he starts hearing actual numbers, he may start claiming you're being vindictive. Whenever that happens, just remember - he's the one who chose to risk it all, and run out on his original responsibilities. You're just making him live up to his committments.

One thing that did help me get through it all a little better - I looked at the situation, and realized that now-XH was on a very destructive path. He was racking up debt. He was taking advantage of what I brought to the marriage so that he could run off and spend it on OW and OWD. I was just trying to salvage as much as I could from a bad situation... So, when it all started out, I decided that what I was doing was protecting our assets from him, with the idea that if he ever came back to his senses, he'd be glad I didn't let him waste all the money and sell everything off like he was trying to do.

The situation has changed a lot for me since then, of course. There's no way we would be back together now - he did too many things that hurt too bad, and I couldn't let him back in my life. But at the time, I really did see it as just protecting as much of what we had as I possibly could from the alien that had possessed my husband.

And that's what you'll be doing. If he ever regains his sanity, he will be glad you stood up to him in order to take care of the most precious assets of your marriage. And if he doesn't... well, this is the way the man you married (not the alien that lives in his body now) would have wanted it, right? To make sure you and the boys are being taken care of.

Get the good lawyer, do what you need to do, and cry through the whole thing if that's what it takes. The fear will go away eventually, and you'll get through it.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lemonman:
 LOL, I would hope noone values my advice just because I am surgeon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> 
You'd be surprised how MANY people do value because of your status! I think I even read it someplace...cant remember exactly what they said, but they were oohing and awing over YOU! I laughed so hard! If they only knew what life was like being a Physician...much less MARRIED to one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

 I felt a little bad yesterday when the whole pissing contest began about NC and Other children on my thread. At first I felt partly responsible for that, and then realized that I actually did not say or do anything wrong (neither did anyone else). It is an emotionally driven subject and is best left to be dealt with ONLY on the Prec/OC board. I did read where a poster on the P/OC board felt that all the anger should be directed at me (actually chuckled at that one) for mentioning the thread. I was afriad that you were offended also by my opinions on the matter. You are one of the posters I like alot here and did not want you to feel hurt by what I said..

Dont feel bad...I didn't take it as you were starting a war, you just wanted answers as to WHY??? PG/OC board is FULL of emotions...emotions that are being tossed around like snowballs! Some people deal well, others (including myself) do not! Yes, I read that one post where she was blaming you! I dont blame YOU for wanted to UNDERSTAND something, I do get upset at the people...wont name any names here...that blantantly call us WEAK and DYSFUNCTIONAL and is disgusted by the presence of an OC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
WOW, what cruel and harsh things to say...and then call the OC a [censored] child! That is just nasty! And then tell us we are crawling round like dogs begging! OMG! I dont BEG anyone for ANYTHING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
OK, got that off my chest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I was not upset at you LM at all! I was more hurt by some of the things that some of the posters said to US over on teh PG board! It is a very emotional place over there! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It takes some damn big Balls to do what you did with going on TV, etc...NOw, use those Balls and get this Divorce filed. Let Ed know that his second chances have ended. LET HIM KNOW BY YOUR ACTIONS.

Believe me, I am getting much closer to doing it! Thanks for your posts LM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lora, thank you for your post! I see the strength and courage in people like you and think that I CAN do this and will survive it!

Ali, I also look at my children and think of what we are doing to them...but then I see the happy smile on their faces when "daddy" comes by...oh they are sooooo incredibly happy to see him! Then he says crap like "they dont care if I am here or not, they just go about their ways"...Once my oldest son said to me "I want you together NO MATTER WHAT" I tried to explain to him that it is not right what daddy has done and if mommy and daddy cannot get along and have a healthy relationship then we may have to live apart...he was so upset! They dont care the circumstances, they just want us together! NO MATTER WHAT!

I am so much more stressed out when he is around! He does things that really tick me off and I dont see any changes in him! The boys and I have realy gotten into a routine...a good one...Although the sleeping in my bed is getting a bit crowded now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali, I hope you find the strength to do the right thing...AS I hope I do as well! We KNOW we have it, we jut have to do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

M23B, it's so good to hear from you...I think of you often!!!

And the baby was born <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> time flies...eh?

You have been living this for QUITE a long time, and no one should begrudge your decisions.

One thing to think about...he will regret his decisions and choices, ONE DAY. And it is entirely up to you to determine if you can live this life waiting for that regret...or move on.

No matter if recovery begins tomorrow, 3 years form now, or never, this M as it stands now is OVER!!! If recovery began...you would start anew. A D would be the legal separation that spells out the emotional separation you have both lived through. You can ALWAYS remarry.

Does it sound like I'm on the side of D? Sometimes, but only you can tell if it is time...and from your response on here, it sounds like it is time.

Think about this though...the WS usually holds this fantasy that you and he will be good friends...that the D does not hurt the kids...that it was mutual after the D. Make things change BIG TIME...no family vacations, dinners, weekends, reunions. Set clear boundaires so the kids...and especially WH does not get confused...

Of course you are scared!!! Divorce is very scarey. When my ex left for ow I was crushed but I became a better and stronger person. I was the one who filed after a year in a half of the roller coaster stuff. I got the attorney and things went smoothly.

Are you ready to divorce him? If so then just take the steps. I had butterflies in my stomach everytime I thought about contacting a attorney but I did it and I got on with life.

You'll be fine Mom

Sorry, I didn't mean to bail on ya'll...I had to go pick up my boys at camp! Now I will read thru and reply to each of you! Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mom
I am currently in the process of divorce, I am legally blind and will be totally blind within a few years. I am in the process of being considered "disabled" by my state. Mediation is next Wednesday. I have no income-zilch, nada, nothing. I refuse to accept any disability. I told my social worker that I want to work. Tomorrow I will be having my 3rd surgery on my eyes this year. The viterous of my "good" eye turned to the consistency of oil. I have lived in a the basement of my home because two days after my first surgery, my husband came in and took furniture. I couldn't see so he took off with a great deal. In the past two weeks, I've gotten to the point where I can see the print on my computer with assistance. I am 51 years old.

Now, Mom, you continue to throw that pity party. Your husband has a good income and you will get CS. You continue to flip flop on the matter. You get on television and declare you're moving on and then I see you here waffling again. Have you for once stopped to consider why you are not liked on GQ? It's the same thing over and over again. You're given good advice but refused to listen.

What are you really afraid of? Being alone? Having to work? Not being known as the doctor's wife anymore? Losing to a loser? Little do you realize you're raising these children on your own now. He's not there emotionally. I feel sorry for your children as much as I feel sorry for this child newly born. They're victims of this merry go round that never stops...

[ March 16, 2005, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: jph ]

Momto3boys....If you feel in your heart that DV is the best choice then you just have to do it!!!!! I was also scared to death of being alone and not being able to make it financially. I've been on my own for 10 months and I'm doing just fine. I actually like being in charge of my own life now. You can do it!!!!!
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I know that having another child involved must be so difficult. Hang in there....you are stronger than you think.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by horsey:
 I am feeling the same way, I separated from my husband right before Christmas, we had a major fight. I left and moved five hours away, with my little boy. I'm holding onto hope, but after this weekend I think it's about gone. A friend told me to file for a divorce months ago while I was reallly mad, somehow I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. What am I doing? Watching him, waiting for him to change? My dad is dying of cancer my husband was never there for me, with my dad sick, with a new baby, with a move, and running a business. He's so selfish he could care less. I don't know your entire story, but it sounds like you have been through the wringer too.... <hr /></blockquote>I keep waiting for hope i guess too! My H started his A right int he middle of my dad's treatment of cancer! Last January! My dad passed away on November 22..I kicked my H out of the house for the last time on Novemeber 21st...After coming home from a grueling weekend of taking care of my dying father! I find out the alien had been calling OW FROM MY HOME!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I kicked him out that night, my dad died about 6 hours later!

And I am still here, hopeing he will "wake up" when in reality I KNOW in my heart he WONT wake up! I know he wont, I just have to convince MYSELF of that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have no doubt you will be fine, you have already found an apt for yourself! Good girl! You'll be fine! And dont worry about the emails! I've done it too...I got in BIG TIME trouble for it with my coach! I promptly stopped the emails cold turkey, but it felt good hearing jsut the stupidest things over the email from another guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by maw64:
 Momto3boys... There is no easy way - You just like lemonman says - you just have todo it - whether you want to or not - you have to do it for your sanity... You need to go on.. You have given dad all sorts of chances - you have been willing to accept the baby - and like you said you think it won't happen because he won't let you in... Divorce - you will be surprised how strong you are - and what you can do to survive on your own.. I have been divorced now 2 years - financially it bites - but you know what I am making it - Being a single parent is no walk in the park - but my life has been a lot less quieter without the constant drama - don't get me wrong - there is drama - it is just not on a daily basis.... So pretty much you just have to put one foot in front of the other and realize that you are worth it - and you do not deserve this - and you know what if he comes around at some point good for you ... But if he doesn't well then you my friend - will know that you have done everything in your power to make it work - You just cannot fix something that is broken with two people - with only one person trying to do all the fixing.... <hr /></blockquote>Maw, You are absoluty right! I HAVE done everything in my power! I just have to keep telling myself that! I just have to keep saying "what else can I posibly do...how many more ONE MORE CHANCES am I going to give this man" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I KNOW I have to just do this and get it over with no matter how much he begs for another chance...no matter what he says! ARGH! He makes me so mad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I waited and waited for a sign of change in my xh...nothing. He got worse. Circled a day on a calendar six months ahead. If no change then, I'd do it. Like lemon, I am a medical chick and saw it as a way to euthanize something on life support...

And yes, I grieved and cried all the way to the lawyers' office. And cried in her office.

My xh is nasty when it comes to business affairs or lawyers or anything that could take money away from him. I knew it would be a temporary descent into hell divorcing him. It was.

But even after financial ruin, having a psycho xh break into your home to try to "prove" you're just as waywayd as he was (nope...I was not...he had just lost it), and dealing with 2 years of verbal, emotional, and in the end physical abuse from him I can say that being alone is a whole lot better than being around him.

I suffered in silence for so long...In my heart, the man I married is now dead. I can't stand to even hear his voice today or stand near him at a soccer game. He just did too damn much without any remorse at all.

He actually phoned me this week to ask if I could let him have my son for his oc's first birthday party this weekend...incidentally, he stole my name I picked out for my son if he had been a girl and convinced ow to name the baby the name. Sickening. He continues to live in a screwed up present, but constantly trying to "add in" parts of my former life and marriage into his present thru calls (mostly vm and I don't answer unless it's important), mindless emails about nothing and usually poor attempt at jokes or something. He doesn't get it that I really wanted him out of my life. And that although the part of me that has spirituality has forgiven him, I will never on this earth forget what he did to my son and I without blinking an eye.

My sister said to me yesterday that "I hope you outlive him so I can escort you in your walker as an old lady to his grave...then we'll both p#ss on it." Now I won't really do that...but it will make it more interesting should I live to say 80....

Lemon,
I totally get the oc/ws/bs thing. It's horrible. Any remote .00000001 percent feeling I had still left for my xh was obliterated on the day the oc was born. It was an inivisible line that was forever crossed. You can't take that back.

I just think that so many people are frightened of the unknown. It is scary. You risk losing material wealth and you fear lonliness. I k now I personally disllike dating as I am sick of any games and would rather just not see anybody than have to deal with imho...immaturity on some guys' behalf. Ok...can we admit that maybe my relationship with my xbf is really a non relationship? It's not getting it for me at all. Thus, rather than complain about it I just do my own thing.

I think everybody knows when to toss the towel in. But some people grow accustomed to their abuser and stay around longer than they should. You make excuses, you rationalize...just like a ws does but in reverse.

Horsey...I know you're still hurting. But you've known what to do for some time. Glad to hear you're out on your own. I can tell ya hon, it's not good to do the internet hook up with guys when your lb is on zero. Makes you vulernable, and can also be traced should your stbxh fight you in court...if he gets wind of you being on dating services or something, he could turn it around on you and say you're doing same thing...I know this b/c my xh broke into my home so he could log onto my computer and try to see if I had skeletons in the closet...I didn't. Had i had them, he'd have tried like hell to use them against me.

I just think it's also unfair to the guys you talk to b/c you're still dealing with the trauma from the a/pending d and not over it yet.

Just think about recovering the part of you you lost for a good long while. Find that person again. Had I not had the time, I think I'd probably be the cause of some guy going to the funny farm. Heal yourself first. That's what separation is for. To think...contemplate. ..decide...and evolve...not to jump into something or try to replace something that didn't work right in the first place.

When you come outta this, out the other side, you will not be the same person. And talking to people just to have somebody there, is not real personal growth. It's like using a crutch when your doc sends you to a physical therapist. The therapist says to ditch the crutch and try to walk. You feel pain and want the ol' crutch back again. Rather than walking and walking, you would rather have the crutch as a standby. Just an analogy. I want you to heal and move on. He's also done enough. You will know when to call time on this one and pull the plug. I am sorry for all the pain you have gone thru and think in the end, you will have a much brighter future ahead of you.

In the end, divorcing is about deciding you'd rather be healthy and alone than sick and with somebody else...that's a Dr. Phil-ism. But one I wholeheartedly agree with!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Deja Vu:
 Like Horsey, I also moved out right before Christmas. I am now getting REALLY antsy to get the legalities over with. We still have taxes to finish for last year, and he needs to sign our web domain over to me as the admin. I still want some of the X-mas ornaments he promised me, but could let those go.

I've started wondering what to do next too. We already divided everything up, including all possessions, the dogs, houses, etc. I still have equity in his house but had made him an offer about a month ago that he could buy me out if he wants to. I'd prefer that - no loose ends hanging around.

There is no reason for a lawyer, except to make sure we have defined everything in the agreement. For example, I believe we have to spell out who is responsible for what bills (to protect ourselves from future creditors if the other one defaults). And things like that - I don't even know what these things are. But I sure don't want to pay someone the big bucks for basically just paperwork. <hr /></blockquote>It sounds like you are well on your way to happiness! I am glad that you were able to come to terms without getting involved with the lawyers! Unfortunately, we cant do it "politely" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> without the lawyers! More money wasted...plus I want to MAKE SURE I get what my KIDS deserve! It is a whole new ballgame now with the OC in the picture! WH even said it would get nasty...why? for what? I just dont understand why he has to make everything so nasty! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by penguin:
 M23B...

Of course you're afraid! I was the one paying for pretty much everything in our marriage, and I was afraid. No matter how much you know in your head that you will be ok, that you will get through it, that fear just keeps poking it's ugly head in.

The only way past that is to say, "ok, I'm afraid, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I need to do." 

I needed to hear this! This is it! I am not paying for anything righ tnow! I quit working when I got pregnant with our first son! I had a good job, but I would have had to quit anyway cuz it was in Germany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I gave up everything for this man! EVERYTHING! You know, he is giving her money on the side without even a paternity test! What an idiot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know you still really love D23B - or at least, who he was when you married him. Whenever that happens, just remember - he's the one who chose to risk it all, and run out on his original responsibilities. You're just making him live up to his committments. 

yes, I do love the MAN I MARRIED very much so...but this man, I have NO CLUE who he is! The man you saw on TV...not MY husband! may look like him, talk like him, even walk like him, but it is not my husband! Is this what aliens really look like??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> He has said no many occassions that "I'm going down" when I start talking about divorce! What is THAT supposed to mean! I just dont understand how a man can be so vindictive to his OWN CHILDREN! Dang, I have said before I would live on the streets, but I WILL NOT put my kids there! They deserve the best they can get! **SIGH**

One thing that did help me get through it all a little better - I looked at the situation, and realized that now-XH was on a very destructive path. He was racking up debt. 

You know, he has been racking up debt for YEARS..I never realized it! Once he ran out of things to buy, i.e...cars, more cars <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> then he started his A, and now has a lifetime of debt to deal with! $12,000 a YEAR for 18 years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's smart huh? should've just stayed in his boring marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Get the good lawyer, do what you need to do, and cry through the whole thing if that's what it takes. The fear will go away eventually, and you'll get through it. 

I have the best lawyer in town...i just need to get the 5K to pay him! I'm getting closer and closer to taking the step! But my heart is just such a softy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
 M23B, it's so good to hear from you...I think of you often!!!

And the baby was born <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> time flies...eh?

You have been living this for QUITE a long time, and no one should begrudge your decisions.

One thing to think about...he will regret his decisions and choices, ONE DAY. And it is entirely up to you to determine if you can live this life waiting for that regret...or move on.

No matter if recovery begins tomorrow, 3 years form now, or never, this M as it stands now is OVER!!! If recovery began...you would start anew. A D would be the legal separation that spells out the emotional separation you have both lived through. You can ALWAYS remarry.

What a great post STill here! you make everything sound so good and really put things into perspective! I know you are sooo right and I just need to get my heart going in that direction! I dont think I will ever remarry this man once I divorce him...cuz I do know that there IS more happiness out there for me! I DO know that somone is out there for me who will love and cherish me for WHO I AM..not for who they WANT ME TO BE!

Think about this though...the WS usually holds this fantasy that you and he will be good friends...that the D does not hurt the kids...that it was mutual after the D. Make things change BIG TIME...no family vacations, dinners, weekends, reunions. Set clear boundaires so the kids...and especially WH does not get confused... 

I need to read this over and over again! He DOES think we will be "friends"...go on vacations...come over for dinners (which he does now) and all the other stuff! NOPE, not afte the D...

Thanks!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Enchantedlady:
 Of course you are scared!!! Divorce is very scarey. When my ex left for ow I was crushed but I became a better and stronger person. I was the one who filed after a year in a half of the roller coaster stuff. I got the attorney and things went smoothly.

Are you ready to divorce him? If so then just take the steps. I had butterflies in my stomach everytime I thought about contacting a attorney but I did it and I got on with life.

You'll be fine Mom <hr /></blockquote>REally? Your really ok? Even with your three kids! I am so scared! I am ready to file, i just haven't done it yet! i have seen the attorney, but haven't filed the paperwork! It is kinda like taking that final step towards the end of the marriage...the end of hope! Thank you for your post EL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jph:
 Mom
I am currently in the process of divorce, I am legally blind and will be totally blind within a few years. I am in the process of being considered "disabled" by my state. Mediation is next Wednesday. I have no income-zilch, nada, nothing. I refuse to accept any disability. I told my social worker that I want to work. Tomorrow I will be having my 3rd surgery on my eyes this year. The viterous of my "good" eye turned to the consistency of oil. I have lived in a the basement of my home because two days after my first surgery, my husband came in and took furniture. I couldn't see so he took off with a great deal. In the past two weeks, I've gotten to the point where I can see the print on my computer with assistance. I am 51 years old. 
I'm sorry!

Now, Mom, you continue to throw that pity party. 

Hey, thanks for joining in on my PITY PARTY jph <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your husband has a good income and you will get CS. 

Who says???

You continue to flip flop on the matter. You get on television and declare you're moving on and then I see you here waffling again. 
I'm sorry if I am not moving fast enough for you, but it is a scary step! When I said I was moving forward, I meant I was doing things to BETTER MYSELF AS A PERSON! I did not declare that I was filing for divorce on TV!

 Have you for once stopped to consider why you are not liked on GQ? 
Because they're jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

 You're given good advice but refused to listen. 
Who said I refuse to take the advice given to me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What are you really afraid of? Being alone?
No, I'll never be alone, I have three boys to keep me company <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Having to work?
No, actually I work now...I just dont get paid for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Actually going back to work this fall when all my kids are in school!

Not being known as the doctor's wife anymore?
I'm not currently known as the Dr's WIFE NOW...so it wont bother me not being married to a DOCTOR...will be quite pleased NOT being married to one as a matter of fact! You really do not know me very well do you! Status makes absolutely NO DIFFERENCE to me! but that doesn't matter! Actually most people dont even know my husband is a DR! Not something I really make known in public! "My Husband's a DOCTOR, nanny, nanny, boo boo" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

 Losing to a loser? yes, he is a loser, isn't he?

Again, thanks for joining in my pity party jph! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It has been a ROUGH nite with the kids! All the while blaming the alien for their behaviour! :rolleyes:They are completely out of control right now!

I am going to put them to bed then I will be back here to respond to the rest of the posts! Thanks so much for all your input!

Oh BTW, JUSTPEACHY! My H's OC is named the name he wanted to name OUR little girl if we ever had one! SICK, just SICKENING! but that is ok, i never liked the name anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

M23B, I don't know if I've posted to you before, but if you look at my timeline, you'll see I'm one who also had a hard time making the final decision to divorce. Fortunately for me, the kids are now grown and gone and it's only a business that's standing between us.

I just wanted to support you in taking as long as it takes you to make this monumental decision. For some, it seems to be easier, quicker, less conflicted. For others, like me, the feelings just take longer to die. My WH is an addict/alcoholic who was sober almost 10 years, or so I thought. It was easy to blame his bad behavior on the drugs and alcohol and hope that sobriety would change him back to the H I loved.

Once I was able to focus on myself and what I deserved vs. what I was getting, it got easier. But I continued to hold onto a slim thread of hope or the advice you've been given that we "could always remarry" until I heard the news of the OC. At that point I was able to completely let go.

Like Peachy, my spiritual side forgives everything because forgiveness sets me free. I can't forget the abuse, the selfishness, and the irresponsibility of leaving me with 6 kids, 7 horses, 4 dogs, and two cats, not to mention a business to run single-handedly for which he'd never let me see a single checkbook.

My self-respect is back, even though it's taken years. You'll do what you need to do for as long as you need to do it. Maybe, like me, you'll wish it didn't take so long. Maybe we'd be better off in some way if we could immediately follow all the good advice we received here. I know I'm doing the best I can, and it sounds like you're doing the best you can, too. And, that's all we can do.

[ March 16, 2005, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]

I wasn't joining in on your pity party! My point is there is no reason to have a pity party-no reason at all! I'm looking forward to my new life in spite of the obstacles in my way. You're worrying about things that don't require worry! You rehash old stories and hang onto the horrible things he did long ago. Build a bridge and get over it! Stop wallowing in self pity. You can't move forward because you refuse to stop looking back.

There's an old story about this man who was warned that a bad storm was coming and he must evacuate. His reply was "No, I'm waiting on the Lord." Because of the storm the water rose and the rescue squad paddled in a boat to his home to get him to safety. His reply was, "I'm waiting on the Lord." Then as the water rose more, he had to get on his roof. A helicopter came to take him to higher ground, he refused saying he was "waiting on the Lord." The man died and in heaven he asked the Lord, "Where were you? I was waiting for you to save me." The Lord replied "Could you not see all the people I sent to help you?" Just as the man, you reject people who are trying to help you.

Mom I guarantee people on GC are not jealous. Why would they be? The problem is you don't listen. Just as you didn't listen to my post. I wasn't joining you in a pity party. There's no reason to have a pity party. The loser I was referring to was not your husband but the ow. You think your husband will not pay court ordered child support?!? That's ridiculous. Quit looking for excuses to stay in this codependent sickness. Hanging onto hope that this unrepentant man will suddenly wake up is a waste of life.

Become someone you would admire....

[ March 16, 2005, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: jph ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by TreeReich*:
 Momto3boys....If you feel in your heart that DV is the best choice then you just have to do it!!!!! I was also scared to death of being alone and not being able to make it financially. I've been on my own for 10 months and I'm doing just fine. I actually like being in charge of my own life now. You can do it!!!!!
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I know that having another child involved must be so difficult. Hang in there....you are stronger than you think. <hr /></blockquote>Tree, thank you for posting to me! I think you are going to be just fine! You were married a looong time and I know it was so scary for you to take that step! I am in limbo right now...I just dont know if it IS the right decision...although I FEEL it is, I cant convince my heart of that yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> REally? Your really ok? Even with your three kids! I am so scared! I am ready to file, i just haven't done it yet! i have seen the attorney, but haven't filed the paperwork! It is kinda like taking that final step towards the end of the marriage...the end of hope! Thank you for your post EL!
<hr /></blockquote>Mom, yes I really was ok. When it was just my children and I I found a new me and guess what I liked what I found. For the first time in my life I was free. If I wanted to go out with my friends when exh had the children I did, if I wanted to have a bunch of girlfriends over for dinner I did. If I wanted to do ANYTHING I did it. It was so wonderful to find myself again. You see I got lost in being married with children.

It was extremely hard to put my youngest in daycare when I had to get a job but I loved working. I had a lot to deal with when it came to the girls, especially my oldest. I got them in bible studies, counseling and we did lots of great fun things as a family. Stability was very important. Not only that children feed off their parents emotions. NO matter what don't ever say a rude or mean thing about Ed, if you need to vent call a friend or your mom! If you and Ed are arguing over the phone, get away from them, don't let them see you guys fighting.

Sweetie, you have to stop looking back the Ed you married is gone. There is always hope, we don't know what the future holds
I would have NEVER thought that I would have met a wonderful man and had a son with him. Do we have our problems of course but he WANTS to make our marriage better (thank you God for answering that prayer LOL).

If you really want to divorce him then do it. I see you second guess yourself so much. Don't keep your life on hold based on What Ifs, it's a waste of time. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I've seen you on tv you are beautiful and trust me there will be a life after Ed. It's always scary when there is change but you will make it give yourself more credit than that!!

JustPeachy...you sound so strong now!!! I think I have seen you on the PG/OC board...did your WH have his OC while you were still married? And is he still with the OW? Just curious! When I bring up the topic of divorce to the good Dr...he changes the subject and starts in on "I know you dont want to divorce me...we can work this out" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <blockquote>quote:<hr /> just wanted to support you in taking as long as it takes you to make this monumental decision. For some, it seems to be easier, quicker, less conflicted. For others, like me, the feelings just take longer to die. <hr /></blockquote>LetsTry...thank you so much for your suport! You seem to really understand the situation and how it does take some people TIME to make the most important decsion of their lives! This is a LIFE ALTERING decision I have to make! There is always the "what if" which can go either way...

What if I divorce and he does come around and we COULD be happy/er?

What if I hang on and he never comes around

What if I file, spend all that money and then BANG he realizes what he has done and starts to repent?

What if, what if, what if????

It just never stops! I know in my MIND I have to do this, but my heart is stopping me! My heart hears him say "We can make this work...I WANT to come home and be the loving husband you so deserve...etc, etc..."

BUT, then I hear myself THINK, I cannot possible go on the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering IF he is seeing her behind my back...always wondering if he is lying to me...I just cannot do that!

I also look into my future and I see this wonderful man, which I know is out there, who will treat me with honor, respect, dignity, and faithfulness! I then look at my poor children whom do NOT deserve to be weekend children with their father...but then again, they do NOT deserve to grow up in a household with non loving parents...

So many decisions to make...It makes me sick having to make al these decisions! I wish it were as easy as some people make it out to be! I really do wish I could just walk into the Lawyers office and say FILE and never look back! But there is so much at stake here! We have 13 years of MEMORIES! We have three boys together! We have a house, dogs, cats, birds, debt...we share income taxes together..we bought our first house together, we travelled the world together! It's not so easy throwing all that away!

jph, thanks again for you post! I appreciate your view points! I also never said my hgusband would NOT pay CS, of course he will! He will be ordered to do so...just as he is paying for this OC which has not even been proven his! What I said was he will fight to pay the absolute MINIMUM and have HIS OWN boy's suffer because of HIS CHOICES he made to break the vows!

I will fight for everything those kids deserve and I will NOT let him get away with anything!

Hey Mom,

It takes extreme courage to file those papers, for me it took 2 & 1/2 yrs. of the A/OC/OW drama but I too set a deadline for myself & after doing all I could to try & save my M alone I made that step.

Do I still love him - yes, do I miss him - yes, am I hurting financially - yes but I have gained peace of mind although I wish I had kept it on hold now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Only u will know when it is the right time, IMHO I say file, just cuz u file doesn't mean u have to follow thru, but if u do think of what u will gain - peace of mind, right now u still holding on to hope, believe me I know what that is like & only God knows what is in store for u & Dad in the future.

At this point u have nothing to lose by filing but don't do it until u r ready.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MT3B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mom - we all had that - memories, house, kids, debt - all of it - we were all married... and while it is hard to just let it go - the question has to become - didn't he already throw it all away to a certain degree when he chose to have the affair... ??? There has to come a time when you make the decision to take yourself out of this madness whether you truly want to or not... for your sanity and for your children... Like someone said the Ed that you knew and loved is gone - Maybe he will be back and maybe he won't you don't know what the future holds - but how long do you hang on waiting for everything to change??? If you are waiting for your heart to agree with your head you might be waiting forever... I am not sure my heart ever agreed with my decision to divorce not sure that it ever will but my head won the debate..... and it was and is the best decision because I chose to give my children back their mother without all of the day to day drama.... You cannot change - Ed that is sad but true.... You can only control the way that you handle the situation....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
 When I bring up the topic of divorce to the good Dr...he changes the subject and starts in on "I know you dont want to divorce me...we can work this out"
_______________________________________

Rebornman
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just what does this mean Mom?

________________________________________

There is always the "what if" which can go either way...

What if I divorce and he does come around and we COULD be happy/er?

What if I hang on and he never comes around

What if I file, spend all that money and then BANG he realizes what he has done and starts to repent?

What if, what if, what if????
___________________________________________

Rebornman
Exactly Mom, what if? How long have you been "What Iffing"?

_____________________________________________

It just never stops! I know in my MIND I have to do this, but my heart is stopping me! My heart hears him say "We can make this work...I WANT to come home and be the loving husband you so deserve...etc, etc..."
__________________________________________

Rebornman
So if your heart is saying no don't do it? What is your Brain saying?..Oh I see it's right down below.....

__________________________________________

BUT, then I hear myself THINK, I cannot possible go on the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering IF he is seeing her behind my back...always wondering if he is lying to me...I just cannot do that!
__________________________________________

Rebornman
Your Brain is telling you that you will not be able to live like this...you KNOW he will see her again Mom, he has a child with her so he has too, the point is will YOU be able to live with that and trust him again? Only you know the answer to that question

____________________________________________

I also look into my future and I see this wonderful man, which I know is out there, who will treat me with honor, respect, dignity, and faithfulness! I then look at my poor children whom do NOT deserve to be weekend children with their father...but then again, they do NOT deserve to grow up in a household with non loving parents...
____________________________________________

Rebornman
Mom, what has he absolutely done to see that future? What has he done to make the demons from the infidelity go away? What has he done to regain his place in the home and garner your trust? Just be careful with wishful thinking and putting him on a pedestal

____________________________________________

So many decisions to make...It makes me sick having to make al these decisions! I wish it were as easy as some people make it out to be! I really do wish I could just walk into the Lawyers office and say FILE and never look back! But there is so much at stake here! We have 13 years of MEMORIES! We have three boys together! We have a house, dogs, cats, birds, debt...we share income taxes together..we bought our first house together, we travelled the world together! It's not so easy throwing all that away! <hr /></blockquote>___________________________________________

[b]Mom, we ALL have those things, some of us have more, some less, but it doesn't alter the fact that divorcing is hard on all of us. None of us wanted it, at least I didn't, but there is a level you hit where it is done and there is no coming back.....the real issue here is this...

If he does the right thing, will that be enough?

If he does the right thing will YOU be able to live with the past?

If he does the right thing, will your children and you be better or worse off in the end? I don't mean financially either MOM, finances are a fleeting thing. I mean in body, spirit, and mind. I've been broke, I've been well off and I was happy both ways (although being well off and happy was alot of fun, broke and happy had it's advantages as well).

Only you can decide if that is enough now...

I am in no way trying to be cruel or hurtful MOM, it is just that YOU have to make a decision to either...

A. Divorce him and be done with it

or

B. Make up your mind to stick it out no matter what

Nobody is getting better, nobody will feel better, and the marriage will not survive, no matter which you decide, as long as you are flip flopping.

Just make a decision and follow through, either way peace will come because you MADE a decision and stuck with it.

All the love to you MOM.....be at peace

Rebornman

[ March 17, 2005, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: RebornMan ]

I dont have much time right now as I am heading off to Sea World with the kids....I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has posted to me!

RebornMan, it means just what it says it means...when I bring it up to him, he always, ALWAYS says "I know we can work this out"...but everyone is right! ***I*** hve to take that step into the future and do this for me!

I dont think as you said RM, if he does the "right thing" it will ever be enough now! I believe too much damage has been done and this stress of all these decisions is just wreaking havoc on me and my kids now! I have to do this! I know I do!

I know you dont mean harm RM...your post was very insightful and gives me a lot to think about! thank you!

Hi Mt3B,

Seems Courage AND the $$$ are holding you up. I understand this.

I was wondering, would Dr. Phil be willing to help with that down payment to your Lawyer? Heck, he gives away $5000 trips on his show quite often. Maybe with his influence, your L might waive the fee, or defer it till after the D, with your H picking up some portion, if not all of the $$?

I always assumed Dr. Phil would hook you up if needed. Have you asked him? I do wish you peace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Hang in there! - Dru

Mom,

Your husband is a man with his feet in two different boats. You are not interested in sailing through life along side the OW; she simply isn't a person you need in your life. You're setting sail on your own course. He has to take his foot out of her boat if he wants to be with you. And he hasn't done that. He can fall into the deep blue sea of indecision, but you must sail on. He can swim, get his own boat if he wants, but he cannot keep one foot in her boat and sail with you.

A wise man once said to me that we can't manage the future. That we become impoverished spiritually and financially when we run our lives by the question "what if" and that question leads us to fear.

You have to consider the man your husband is right now. If you start to divorce and he changes, then you can manage that moment when it gets here. HE is asking you to continue living in that crazy place of empty promises and the "what-if" fears. Let go of that and trust only your experience of the man AS HE IS RIGHT NOW - a man who can't make a choice, a man who lies, breaks promises, cheats on his wife and his pure innocent sons.

Sail on Mom! There are a few choppy water days ahead, but you're nearly through the worst of the storm once you stop trying to save him from taking a bath.

You are strong enough to let him fall. Only then will he be able to decide what kind of man he will become.

M23B

I was wondering how you were doing. I stay on these boards mostly now, GQ is way too painful.

It took me a long time to file. Let's see, he left 4/04, I had my DD in 5/04 and started making D plans. I didn't call the lawyer until 7/04 and didn't file until 1/05.

My heart finally caught up with my brain as you say in 9/04 when I went into Plan B. I don't doubt my decision now at all. Whenever I get all nostalgic, I remember how horrible the Fogman was and still is.

He is fighting every single thing in the divorce and hasn't paid us a cent in 3 months. It's funny, he wants to have a girlfriend and his kids at the same time. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! We are surviving and life without him is happy and peaceful. I am leaning on my friends and family a lot, but getting stronger every day.

Eventually, you will get there, but I would at least call a lawyer and look at your options. It helps to get all of the information and be in the driver's seat in this.

Good luck!

Hi Mom,

I can fully understand that this is a very difficult decision to make, especially since there are 3 little boys involved and affected. Everybody has their own time line and maybe you are just not there yet, ready to step over that line to move on without Ed. What you could do though, is maybe look to make some changes for yourself, so that you will feel safer and more comfortable once you are ready for the step to file for D. Maybe you could attend some classes to brush up on your skills or train for a new career, find a job (even part-time), join a gym or find a hobby (something that you have always wanted to do). This will help build your self-esteem and take your mind of Ed and the chaotic situation. I get the feeling that you think about it a lot and it drains your energy and it consumes your feelings, even the good ones. I think that you need some "Kandi-time". And I think that once you are more distracted from this situation, it will help you clear your mind and help you focus on what it is that you need to do, whether it is to stay in the marriage and rebuild or file for D.

Now, you will also have to think what would happen if Ed files for D. This is certainly a possibility and it is something that you should be prepared for. Getting "Kandi" to feel stronger will help should this situation arise as well.

Someone wrote that Ed has a foot in two boats right now and that is very true, but I also suspect that he may not be able to handle to have this kind of life forever. It would be too draining on ANYONE, even on Ed. While he may want his cake and eat it, too, he WILL eventually make a decision - whether it is to be with you, with OW or by himself. He has not shown by his actions that he is really willing to make the changes that are necessary to make his current marriage work.

Don't ever rely on the thought that the "LIFE ALTERING" decision is just for you to make. Ed can make this decision just as well and you may have to live with the outcome, whatever it may be. Therefore, prepare yourself for the worst and most importantly "get Kandi strong".

Good luck!

Kati

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
 This is a LIFE ALTERING decision I have to make! There is always the "what if" which can go either way...

What if I divorce and he does come around and we COULD be happy/er?

What if I hang on and he never comes around

What if I file, spend all that money and then BANG he realizes what he has done and starts to repent?

What if, what if, what if????

It just never stops! I know in my MIND I have to do this, but my heart is stopping me! My heart hears him say "We can make this work...I WANT to come home and be the loving husband you so deserve...etc, etc..."

BUT, then I hear myself THINK, I cannot possible go on the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering IF he is seeing her behind my back...always wondering if he is lying to me...I just cannot do that!

I also look into my future and I see this wonderful man, which I know is out there, who will treat me with honor, respect, dignity, and faithfulness! I then look at my poor children whom do NOT deserve to be weekend children with their father...but then again, they do NOT deserve to grow up in a household with non loving parents...

So many decisions to make...It makes me sick having to make al these decisions! I wish it were as easy as some people make it out to be! I really do wish I could just walk into the Lawyers office and say FILE and never look back! But there is so much at stake here! We have 13 years of MEMORIES! We have three boys together! We have a house, dogs, cats, birds, debt...we share income taxes together..we bought our first house together, we travelled the world together! It's not so easy throwing all that away!

jph, thanks again for you post! I appreciate your view points! I also never said my hgusband would NOT pay CS, of course he will! He will be ordered to do so...just as he is paying for this OC which has not even been proven his! What I said was he will fight to pay the absolute MINIMUM and have HIS OWN boy's suffer because of HIS CHOICES he made to break the vows!

I will fight for everything those kids deserve and I will NOT let him get away with anything! <hr /></blockquote>

You will make the choice to D when it is time for YOU and your KIDS and no one else... You realize you are getting close and, like a tub that's too hot, are slowly dipping your toes in...

It's interesting you wrote that WH said he will make the D really nasty...isn't that another way to engage you and to keep in contact with you? To fight the D? Very interesting...

One thing you wrote I want to bring up...it's the notion of finding another H, another man...be very careful about this...jumping into another R too soon, or JUMPING into one at all...it would be too easy to try to find happiness outside yourself in another R before you really resolved finding happiness within yourself. There will be much to mourn and work out, and another R would distract you from that...just a thought.

Also very interesting that he named the little girl *HIS* name for a girl...I wonder how that makes hte OW feel...that he will be so hungup on you the rest of his life...and now a constant reminder of you...

Now after saying..wait for an R...what of that moment when you remarry and have your girl...what will you name her? Hope, Charity, Faith?

MT3B, Being a fellow Texan, I have followed your story. My H and I have survived his A that occurred in'92, lasted 1 year (it was a long distance A, she lived in another state), birth of OC as well as our 5th child during this timeframe.
That said, I went to a lawyer, in KY at the time, and she discussed my case for 30 min to an hour for free. She told me what she could/would do, what I could get in the divorce, and more importantly, no divorce would be done while I was pregnant. She also told me that the divorce sometimes actually acted as a catalyst; it caused the leaving spouse to realise that maybe he didn't want be divorced from the wife after all.
Personally, I thought that was kind of stupid on the couples part, that it took a divorce for them to realise they still loved each other. So I went home, and figured out everything I could possiby get out of divorce, i.e. support for 5 children, half of his retirement; spousal support for marriage of 19 years; money from him to go back to school. Then I reminded him that I was from Texas and I would move back to Texas, if he went to her he would be in N Carolina with her. He would probably never see his children again. That once the children, esp our oldest sons, learned of the OW/OC that they would lose respect for him, he would become in their eyes a LOSER.
Then I discussed the impact his affair and a divorce would have on our daughters who were 12 and 6 at the time. Both girls were/are Daddy's girls. Was he truly ready to "throw" us all away for a younger person who was nowhere near the woman/lady I was?
He also had said he wanted to be friends with me if he left me; I laughed in his face; I wouldn't be his friend if he left me for her.
So, here we are now, still married. We got thru the rough times, he says now that he was so STUPID in that time frame and he is so sorry he put me through that rollercoaster. If he could go back and undo his actions ( involvement with OW, etc he would). WE are stronger and I am stronger. He also knows that if he repeats this mistake again, he will be out the door. I cannot/will not go through that again.
As for the OC we have no contact. She is now 11 years old, and he has never spoken to her or seen her. We did get a letter 5 years ago from the OW where she told him how much she still misses him, wishes he would see their daughter. She, the OC, knows about her Daddy, asks about him. Being a mother, my heart hurt for this fatherless child, but the OW knew I was pregnant when she got pregnant. Right or wrong, we believe it was a last ditch attempt to get him, she was on the pill, but took antibiotics and therefore they failed. Shouldn't she have told him so he could use something else? Of course he didn't have to comfort her when she showed up at his hotel room in tears in the night. Of course he should have been using condoms anyway since he was sleelpin with both of us, so he bring home anything extra for me, right?
Today, we have been married 31 years, and he hates to let me out of his sight. We are in our early 50's, and the sex is good. Life is good.
Now my point? Is the reality of ending may be what he needs. If not, do everything to protect you and your children. MARRIAGE is about love, DIVORCE IS ABOUT THE MONEY. You are the only one who can protect you and children and their/your futures. Decide what you want and get it, or as much as you can. I haven't looked at Texas divorce laws, but if you can get a separation I'd go for that. Let him get a taste of what the future will be like.
Remember that "being in love" is a fleeting feeling, the drug feeling. Loving someone is an action verb. Once the novelty of the affair wears off the OW becomes less and less attractive.
I know, he told me, the cold reality hit my H when she told him she was pregnant. He wasn't with her to get more responsibility, he was escaping it.
Well I have run on. sorry. Hope I helped.
As you have seen you are not alone and many strangers have heard and seen your story and care what happens to you. If a divorce is what you need or what will get him to realise what he is giving up, do it. Do what is best for you when you are ready. Don't rush into a divorce if it isn't in your best interest, personally, emotionally, financially. If you think you still want this marriage and your husband, then you may have to play hardball. Divorce is very hardball.
Good luck. Stay strong.

Texasgirl

Wow, so many people have posted to me! Thank you all of you!

I have an appt today at 11:30 to file for the Divorce! I am a nervous wreck! I just called to set up the appt and she said he could see me at 11:30! WOW!

of course now WH WANTS to work on the marriage! He says he will call me more often if that will make me happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He says he will meet all my EN's...I have another thread going on over in the PG/OC board that explains all of this...but basically, it isn't even ABOUT the OW anymore! It is about the way he TREATS me...the disrespect! the unwillingnees to do a darn thing in the marriage!

I will miss our family and everything that goes with it, but I really do think this is the right thing to do...

Like someone said...IF he shows signs of willingness by his ACTIONS to do the things to mend this, then we can pull the paperwork! Right!

Alot of people feel bad about divorces but I've seen some people just stand there and take abuse and so. But the truth of the matter is if you have and feel to. You should. It is not bad but if you just hang there it will kill you internally as well. Think for your own self at this time for that it is you. Your scared? So are alot of women and even men get nervous but don't let him get the upper hand when it comes to you living fine. Don't worry once you get the courage to say it you'll feel one step closer to relief. Trust me!