I just have some questions...if I can remember to come back over to this forum! I tend to stay in GQ and never venture out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I REALLY want to just file for a divorce! But I am so scared to! I am scared that I wont be financially secure once the divorce is final, although I know I will get a large CS check each month...

I do love my HUSBAND, I do not love the man he is NOW! The baby is another story! I just dont think that our marriage will be able to survive this HUGE bump in the road!

That man hasn't got a clue if it hit him in the face! He has such a hard time opening up to me and being HONEST now! He has a hard time trying to COLLIDE the two worlds, two worlds that were never supposed to collide, but in order to SAVE the marriage they MUST collide! i have told him over and over I WILL accept the child...but I just dont think he is capaable of it! I think the problem boils down to having ME be a part of THAT world that he has created!

I may be wrong, but I think he would rather just have visitation with the baby on his own and keep us on the side! HAHA!

I just want to get the courage to file the freakin divorce and get it over with!

How can i take the steps and not be so scared to do it! My attorney is asking for a $5000 retainer fee upfront! I dont want another attorney cuz he is the best in town and from my town they are hard to come by!

What should I do...how do I get that courage! I know I can raise the boys alone! I know I can survive alone! but financially, I just dont know! i am scared to death to be on my OWN! Any insight please?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
<strong>
I may be wrong, but I think he would rather just have visitation with the baby on his own and keep us on the side! HAHA!

I</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DING DING DING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is it exactly. Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions, but I have long ago belived that you needed to DV your WH. I understand your fear. Anyone in your situation would feel the same. I think sometimes you continue to hope for the probably unrealisitic notion that your WH is going to "wake up". He may some day, but at what cost to you and your children in the mean time? There is no easy way to DV, there really isn't. You just have to do it.

Your WH will be MADE to pay CS. PLease make sure you file for that NOW, especially considering that there is an OC. You continue to short change yourself with respect to your strength. YOu had your A$$ kicked by life this past year, and you are still standing. You are scared to be alone......you know...SO WHAT, we all are. I am not being mean here, but just trying to let you know that we know how it feels. We feel your pain, but also know that you can do it. YOu can raise your children. If you have to get some kind of job to supplement the CS/alimony than you will do that.

You were dealt a bad deal, but you still have all of the control in your life as to how you will now react to this.

YOur WH is someday going to crash to the ground in a way you have not ever seen before. It is your time NOW, to protect yourslef and children from this. If you are ready for the DV.............JUST DO IT. Talk to the lawyer tomorrow.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> [QUOTE] Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions,

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LM, why on earth would you think that ***I*** dont like your advice and opinions! I enjoy reading your posts and I value your advice and opinions! Some people may value your advice because your a surgeon :rolleyes:Well, you know that makes absolutely NO difference to me WHAT the he!! you do for a living! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You could be a garbabge truck driver it it wouldn't matter to me!

What matters to me is the WAY people express themselves! You ahve come a long way in the WAY you do that! I do value your advice! I wish you would post to me more often! altough I try not to post over in GQ about my sitch much anymore! I'm not liked much on these boards lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, on to ME now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I KNOW I NEED to just file the darn divorce! But golly, I have such a heart! I wish I didn't have this stupid heart of mine! I know one day that man will fall flat on his face and I dont want to see that happen! I dont want him to hurt the way that I have! is that stupid or what! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, I am making myself SICK over this decision...I guess I just need to get the balls to do it once and for all! It's about time I think about ME for once! **SIGH**

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> [QUOTE] Mom2b, I know that you and others don't particularly always like my advice and opinions,

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LM, why on earth would you think that ***I*** dont like your advice and opinions! I enjoy reading your posts and I value your advice and opinions! Some people may value your advice because your a surgeon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL, I would hope noone values my advice just because I am surgeon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Mom, as YOU KNOW 1ST HAND, Physicians are some of the most dysfunctional people alive. I felt a little bad yesterday when the whole pissing contest began about NC and Other children on my thread. At first I felt partly responsible for that, and then realized that I actually did not say or do anything wrong (neither did anyone else). It is an emotionally driven subject and is best left to be dealt with ONLY on the Prec/OC board. I did read where a poster on the P/OC board felt that all the anger should be directed at me (actually chuckled at that one) for mentioning the thread. The "old" me would have respoded with a 2 x 4 laced reply, but I let it slide. That shows I am growing. I was afriad that you were offended also by my opinions on the matter. You are one of the posters I like alot here and did not want you to feel hurt by what I said..

It takes some damn big Balls to do what you did with going on TV, etc...NOw, use those Balls and get this Divorce filed. Let Ed know that his second chances have ended. LET HIM KNOW BY YOUR ACTIONS.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't have children so I can only imagine how hard that must be to add into the mix.

But I was stuck for a long time in that same place, afraid to be alone, afraid to give up hope and afraid to take that step. I finally did it once I realized that what I had was nothing. It was not a marriage,it was something I spent all my time worried about and trying to figure out a way to change. He was not here in any real way. And staying stuck was only prolonging my chance to start healing.

Now I am 2 years past divorce and I have met a great guy who just sent me a beatiful love poem. I am amazed at how much we are alike, how much we can talk and how we can resolve issues with respect and honasty. I am so happy I am not stuck with my X, who was unhappy and uncomunicative... even before the affair. I am free and managing my life and finacially OK and healthier and happier then I have ever been.

Take the step.... give up fighting the uphill battle with someone who is not willing to meet yoou half way. Take care of yourself and your children.

I am in the same boat you are in. I am so afriad of failure. My H took a akmost a 30 grand hit in pay. So my CS will be nothing. I haven't worked in almost 8 years. I will get maintentance but it will not amount to much. The state I live in is very expensive to live and child care would just cost as much as my salary. Makes no sense. High cost to live but the pay is crap!

I am scared to death but I look at my kids and see the damage that we are doing and I don't want them to be disfuctinal and think this is how a marriage should be. This is not normal.
So you may keep that in mind. Sorry I don't know your story to well. I was hoping I could find more answers to our almost the same problem on your thread!

Ali~

I am feeling the same way, I separated from my husband right before Christmas, we had a major fight. I left and moved five hours away, with my little boy. I'm holding onto hope, but after this weekend I think it's about gone. A friend told me to file for a divorce months ago while I was reallly mad, somehow I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. What am I doing? Watching him, waiting for him to change? Really this weekend was so rediculous, I brought the baby by to see him, I stayed a night down the hallway. My idiotic husband wanted to fight about stupid things, I left, went to a coffee shop and worked all day while he was with his son. I said NO MORE. That's it. I cannot live with such rediculous, petty fights. I've had ENOUGH. My stuff is still at his house, clothes, boxes, etc other then what I needed. I just bought new furniture to furnish my small apartment. Guess I'm finally seeing my husband for what he is, for what my friends and family saw him as all along, a selfish, manipulative pig. Even at this point he's so mean, he can't even control himself. He's going to classes, anger management as he's forced to now. They say it won't help with a control freak, no one changes when forced into it. They have to want to. So as I watch this man, I don't see anything happening... what am I waiting for? When can I get on with my life. I agree with the other poster, that it's likely you can't really heal until after the divorce is filed and done... otherwise you are holding on right? I can't hold on forever. Actually I have a deadline, I'm going to file for the divorce at the end of my rental agreement. I signed a six month lease, I'm about half way through. I realize people hang out for years separated and I wont' do it. I've made a vow and I'm going to stick with it. This man I married doesn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt that long, especially after he was such a jerk this weekend. Another thing I did, and I shouldn't have, I started emailing a few men in my area from a singles site. I told them I'm only separated, said I didn't want to meet yet, just wanted to email. Guess I just wanted to be reassured that there is life out there. You know it's helped. They are both professionals, one has a kid too. The other doesn't but went through a divorce too. Even in emails they are nicer then my husband ever was. My dad is dying of cancer my husband was never there for me, with my dad sick, with a new baby, with a move, and running a business. He's so selfish he could care less. It wouldn't take much for some guy I don't even know on the internet to be more supportive of me. That makes it more rediculous. I'm not suggesting you do this, as I still think it's wrong as I'm not divorced. Yet I won't date them. Just chatting, just in need of friends is all. Some reality outside my psycho marriage from hell. I was in this for four years. I'm done. I think you know when you are done and ENOUGH is ENOUGH. People said you just come to that point. But I'm with you, actuallyl putting the money down on the attorney, how do you do it? I've called and emailed them before. It's a lot of money. But I too will get a big child support check, plus money from equity in our house and investments my husband made. And my business is increasing in value so that'll be the con of waiting too much longer, I'm doing very well without him as I can think, concentrate, be happy... I was miserable a long time. Is it selfish to want to be happy? Even if it means raising my son alone? I don't know your entire story, but it sounds like you have been through the wringer too....

Momto3boys... There is no easy way - You just like lemonman says - you just have todo it - whether you want to or not - you have to do it for your sanity... You need to go on.. You have given dad all sorts of chances - you have been willing to accept the baby - and like you said you think it won't happen because he won't let you in... Divorce - you will be surprised how strong you are - and what you can do to survive on your own.. I have been divorced now 2 years - financially it bites - but you know what I am making it - Being a single parent is no walk in the park - but my life has been a lot less quieter without the constant drama - don't get me wrong - there is drama - it is just not on a daily basis.... So pretty much you just have to put one foot in front of the other and realize that you are worth it - and you do not deserve this - and you know what if he comes around at some point good for you ... But if he doesn't well then you my friend - will know that you have done everything in your power to make it work - You just cannot fix something that is broken with two people - with only one person trying to do all the fixing....

Like Horsey, I also moved out right before Christmas. I am now getting REALLY antsy to get the legalities over with. We still have taxes to finish for last year, and he needs to sign our web domain over to me as the admin. I still want some of the X-mas ornaments he promised me, but could let those go.

I've started wondering what to do next too. We already divided everything up, including all possessions, the dogs, houses, etc. I still have equity in his house but had made him an offer about a month ago that he could buy me out if he wants to. I'd prefer that - no loose ends hanging around.

There is no reason for a lawyer, except to make sure we have defined everything in the agreement. For example, I believe we have to spell out who is responsible for what bills (to protect ourselves from future creditors if the other one defaults). And things like that - I don't even know what these things are. But I sure don't want to pay someone the big bucks for basically just paperwork.

M23B...

Of course you're afraid! I was the one paying for pretty much everything in our marriage, and I was afraid. No matter how much you know in your head that you will be ok, that you will get through it, that fear just keeps poking it's ugly head in.

The only way past that is to say, "ok, I'm afraid, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I need to do."

I know you still really love D23B - or at least, who he was when you married him. That will make it tough too. You'll know what you need to be able to take care of you and the boys, but when he starts hearing actual numbers, he may start claiming you're being vindictive. Whenever that happens, just remember - he's the one who chose to risk it all, and run out on his original responsibilities. You're just making him live up to his committments.

One thing that did help me get through it all a little better - I looked at the situation, and realized that now-XH was on a very destructive path. He was racking up debt. He was taking advantage of what I brought to the marriage so that he could run off and spend it on OW and OWD. I was just trying to salvage as much as I could from a bad situation... So, when it all started out, I decided that what I was doing was protecting our assets from him, with the idea that if he ever came back to his senses, he'd be glad I didn't let him waste all the money and sell everything off like he was trying to do.

The situation has changed a lot for me since then, of course. There's no way we would be back together now - he did too many things that hurt too bad, and I couldn't let him back in my life. But at the time, I really did see it as just protecting as much of what we had as I possibly could from the alien that had possessed my husband.

And that's what you'll be doing. If he ever regains his sanity, he will be glad you stood up to him in order to take care of the most precious assets of your marriage. And if he doesn't... well, this is the way the man you married (not the alien that lives in his body now) would have wanted it, right? To make sure you and the boys are being taken care of.

Get the good lawyer, do what you need to do, and cry through the whole thing if that's what it takes. The fear will go away eventually, and you'll get through it.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> LOL, I would hope noone values my advice just because I am surgeon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong>
You'd be surprised how MANY people do value because of your status! I think I even read it someplace...cant remember exactly what they said, but they were oohing and awing over YOU! I laughed so hard! If they only knew what life was like being a Physician...much less MARRIED to one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<strong> I felt a little bad yesterday when the whole pissing contest began about NC and Other children on my thread. At first I felt partly responsible for that, and then realized that I actually did not say or do anything wrong (neither did anyone else). It is an emotionally driven subject and is best left to be dealt with ONLY on the Prec/OC board. I did read where a poster on the P/OC board felt that all the anger should be directed at me (actually chuckled at that one) for mentioning the thread. I was afriad that you were offended also by my opinions on the matter. You are one of the posters I like alot here and did not want you to feel hurt by what I said..
</strong>
Dont feel bad...I didn't take it as you were starting a war, you just wanted answers as to WHY??? PG/OC board is FULL of emotions...emotions that are being tossed around like snowballs! Some people deal well, others (including myself) do not! Yes, I read that one post where she was blaming you! I dont blame YOU for wanted to UNDERSTAND something, I do get upset at the people...wont name any names here...that blantantly call us WEAK and DYSFUNCTIONAL and is disgusted by the presence of an OC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
WOW, what cruel and harsh things to say...and then call the OC a [censored] child! That is just nasty! And then tell us we are crawling round like dogs begging! OMG! I dont BEG anyone for ANYTHING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
OK, got that off my chest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I was not upset at you LM at all! I was more hurt by some of the things that some of the posters said to US over on teh PG board! It is a very emotional place over there! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


<strong>It takes some damn big Balls to do what you did with going on TV, etc...NOw, use those Balls and get this Divorce filed. Let Ed know that his second chances have ended. LET HIM KNOW BY YOUR ACTIONS.</strong>

Believe me, I am getting much closer to doing it! Thanks for your posts LM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lora, thank you for your post! I see the strength and courage in people like you and think that I CAN do this and will survive it!

Ali, I also look at my children and think of what we are doing to them...but then I see the happy smile on their faces when "daddy" comes by...oh they are sooooo incredibly happy to see him! Then he says crap like "they dont care if I am here or not, they just go about their ways"...Once my oldest son said to me "I want you together NO MATTER WHAT" I tried to explain to him that it is not right what daddy has done and if mommy and daddy cannot get along and have a healthy relationship then we may have to live apart...he was so upset! They dont care the circumstances, they just want us together! NO MATTER WHAT!

I am so much more stressed out when he is around! He does things that really tick me off and I dont see any changes in him! The boys and I have realy gotten into a routine...a good one...Although the sleeping in my bed is getting a bit crowded now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali, I hope you find the strength to do the right thing...AS I hope I do as well! We KNOW we have it, we jut have to do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

M23B, it's so good to hear from you...I think of you often!!!

And the baby was born <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> time flies...eh?

You have been living this for QUITE a long time, and no one should begrudge your decisions.

One thing to think about...he will regret his decisions and choices, ONE DAY. And it is entirely up to you to determine if you can live this life waiting for that regret...or move on.

No matter if recovery begins tomorrow, 3 years form now, or never, this M as it stands now is OVER!!! If recovery began...you would start anew. A D would be the legal separation that spells out the emotional separation you have both lived through. You can ALWAYS remarry.

Does it sound like I'm on the side of D? Sometimes, but only you can tell if it is time...and from your response on here, it sounds like it is time.

Think about this though...the WS usually holds this fantasy that you and he will be good friends...that the D does not hurt the kids...that it was mutual after the D. Make things change BIG TIME...no family vacations, dinners, weekends, reunions. Set clear boundaires so the kids...and especially WH does not get confused...

Of course you are scared!!! Divorce is very scarey. When my ex left for ow I was crushed but I became a better and stronger person. I was the one who filed after a year in a half of the roller coaster stuff. I got the attorney and things went smoothly.

Are you ready to divorce him? If so then just take the steps. I had butterflies in my stomach everytime I thought about contacting a attorney but I did it and I got on with life.

You'll be fine Mom

Sorry, I didn't mean to bail on ya'll...I had to go pick up my boys at camp! Now I will read thru and reply to each of you! Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mom
I am currently in the process of divorce, I am legally blind and will be totally blind within a few years. I am in the process of being considered "disabled" by my state. Mediation is next Wednesday. I have no income-zilch, nada, nothing. I refuse to accept any disability. I told my social worker that I want to work. Tomorrow I will be having my 3rd surgery on my eyes this year. The viterous of my "good" eye turned to the consistency of oil. I have lived in a the basement of my home because two days after my first surgery, my husband came in and took furniture. I couldn't see so he took off with a great deal. In the past two weeks, I've gotten to the point where I can see the print on my computer with assistance. I am 51 years old.

Now, Mom, you continue to throw that pity party. Your husband has a good income and you will get CS. You continue to flip flop on the matter. You get on television and declare you're moving on and then I see you here waffling again. Have you for once stopped to consider why you are not liked on GQ? It's the same thing over and over again. You're given good advice but refused to listen.

What are you really afraid of? Being alone? Having to work? Not being known as the doctor's wife anymore? Losing to a loser? Little do you realize you're raising these children on your own now. He's not there emotionally. I feel sorry for your children as much as I feel sorry for this child newly born. They're victims of this merry go round that never stops...

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: jph ]</small>

Momto3boys....If you feel in your heart that DV is the best choice then you just have to do it!!!!! I was also scared to death of being alone and not being able to make it financially. I've been on my own for 10 months and I'm doing just fine. I actually like being in charge of my own life now. You can do it!!!!!
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I know that having another child involved must be so difficult. Hang in there....you are stronger than you think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> I am feeling the same way, I separated from my husband right before Christmas, we had a major fight. I left and moved five hours away, with my little boy. I'm holding onto hope, but after this weekend I think it's about gone. A friend told me to file for a divorce months ago while I was reallly mad, somehow I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. What am I doing? Watching him, waiting for him to change? My dad is dying of cancer my husband was never there for me, with my dad sick, with a new baby, with a move, and running a business. He's so selfish he could care less. I don't know your entire story, but it sounds like you have been through the wringer too.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep waiting for hope i guess too! My H started his A right int he middle of my dad's treatment of cancer! Last January! My dad passed away on November 22..I kicked my H out of the house for the last time on Novemeber 21st...After coming home from a grueling weekend of taking care of my dying father! I find out the alien had been calling OW FROM MY HOME!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I kicked him out that night, my dad died about 6 hours later!

And I am still here, hopeing he will "wake up" when in reality I KNOW in my heart he WONT wake up! I know he wont, I just have to convince MYSELF of that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have no doubt you will be fine, you have already found an apt for yourself! Good girl! You'll be fine! And dont worry about the emails! I've done it too...I got in BIG TIME trouble for it with my coach! I promptly stopped the emails cold turkey, but it felt good hearing jsut the stupidest things over the email from another guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maw64:
<strong> Momto3boys... There is no easy way - You just like lemonman says - you just have todo it - whether you want to or not - you have to do it for your sanity... You need to go on.. You have given dad all sorts of chances - you have been willing to accept the baby - and like you said you think it won't happen because he won't let you in... Divorce - you will be surprised how strong you are - and what you can do to survive on your own.. I have been divorced now 2 years - financially it bites - but you know what I am making it - Being a single parent is no walk in the park - but my life has been a lot less quieter without the constant drama - don't get me wrong - there is drama - it is just not on a daily basis.... So pretty much you just have to put one foot in front of the other and realize that you are worth it - and you do not deserve this - and you know what if he comes around at some point good for you ... But if he doesn't well then you my friend - will know that you have done everything in your power to make it work - You just cannot fix something that is broken with two people - with only one person trying to do all the fixing.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maw, You are absoluty right! I HAVE done everything in my power! I just have to keep telling myself that! I just have to keep saying "what else can I posibly do...how many more ONE MORE CHANCES am I going to give this man" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I KNOW I have to just do this and get it over with no matter how much he begs for another chance...no matter what he says! ARGH! He makes me so mad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />