Hi Mom,

I can fully understand that this is a very difficult decision to make, especially since there are 3 little boys involved and affected. Everybody has their own time line and maybe you are just not there yet, ready to step over that line to move on without Ed. What you could do though, is maybe look to make some changes for yourself, so that you will feel safer and more comfortable once you are ready for the step to file for D. Maybe you could attend some classes to brush up on your skills or train for a new career, find a job (even part-time), join a gym or find a hobby (something that you have always wanted to do). This will help build your self-esteem and take your mind of Ed and the chaotic situation. I get the feeling that you think about it a lot and it drains your energy and it consumes your feelings, even the good ones. I think that you need some "Kandi-time". And I think that once you are more distracted from this situation, it will help you clear your mind and help you focus on what it is that you need to do, whether it is to stay in the marriage and rebuild or file for D.

Now, you will also have to think what would happen if Ed files for D. This is certainly a possibility and it is something that you should be prepared for. Getting "Kandi" to feel stronger will help should this situation arise as well.

Someone wrote that Ed has a foot in two boats right now and that is very true, but I also suspect that he may not be able to handle to have this kind of life forever. It would be too draining on ANYONE, even on Ed. While he may want his cake and eat it, too, he WILL eventually make a decision - whether it is to be with you, with OW or by himself. He has not shown by his actions that he is really willing to make the changes that are necessary to make his current marriage work.

Don't ever rely on the thought that the "LIFE ALTERING" decision is just for you to make. Ed can make this decision just as well and you may have to live with the outcome, whatever it may be. Therefore, prepare yourself for the worst and most importantly "get Kandi strong".

Good luck!

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
<strong> This is a LIFE ALTERING decision I have to make! There is always the "what if" which can go either way...

What if I divorce and he does come around and we COULD be happy/er?

What if I hang on and he never comes around

What if I file, spend all that money and then BANG he realizes what he has done and starts to repent?

What if, what if, what if????

It just never stops! I know in my MIND I have to do this, but my heart is stopping me! My heart hears him say "We can make this work...I WANT to come home and be the loving husband you so deserve...etc, etc..."

BUT, then I hear myself THINK, I cannot possible go on the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering IF he is seeing her behind my back...always wondering if he is lying to me...I just cannot do that!

I also look into my future and I see this wonderful man, which I know is out there, who will treat me with honor, respect, dignity, and faithfulness! I then look at my poor children whom do NOT deserve to be weekend children with their father...but then again, they do NOT deserve to grow up in a household with non loving parents...

So many decisions to make...It makes me sick having to make al these decisions! I wish it were as easy as some people make it out to be! I really do wish I could just walk into the Lawyers office and say FILE and never look back! But there is so much at stake here! We have 13 years of MEMORIES! We have three boys together! We have a house, dogs, cats, birds, debt...we share income taxes together..we bought our first house together, we travelled the world together! It's not so easy throwing all that away!

jph, thanks again for you post! I appreciate your view points! I also never said my hgusband would NOT pay CS, of course he will! He will be ordered to do so...just as he is paying for this OC which has not even been proven his! What I said was he will fight to pay the absolute MINIMUM and have HIS OWN boy's suffer because of HIS CHOICES he made to break the vows!

I will fight for everything those kids deserve and I will NOT let him get away with anything! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You will make the choice to D when it is time for YOU and your KIDS and no one else... You realize you are getting close and, like a tub that's too hot, are slowly dipping your toes in...

It's interesting you wrote that WH said he will make the D really nasty...isn't that another way to engage you and to keep in contact with you? To fight the D? Very interesting...

One thing you wrote I want to bring up...it's the notion of finding another H, another man...be very careful about this...jumping into another R too soon, or JUMPING into one at all...it would be too easy to try to find happiness outside yourself in another R before you really resolved finding happiness within yourself. There will be much to mourn and work out, and another R would distract you from that...just a thought.

Also very interesting that he named the little girl *HIS* name for a girl...I wonder how that makes hte OW feel...that he will be so hungup on you the rest of his life...and now a constant reminder of you...

Now after saying..wait for an R...what of that moment when you remarry and have your girl...what will you name her? Hope, Charity, Faith?

MT3B, Being a fellow Texan, I have followed your story. My H and I have survived his A that occurred in'92, lasted 1 year (it was a long distance A, she lived in another state), birth of OC as well as our 5th child during this timeframe.
That said, I went to a lawyer, in KY at the time, and she discussed my case for 30 min to an hour for free. She told me what she could/would do, what I could get in the divorce, and more importantly, no divorce would be done while I was pregnant. She also told me that the divorce sometimes actually acted as a catalyst; it caused the leaving spouse to realise that maybe he didn't want be divorced from the wife after all.
Personally, I thought that was kind of stupid on the couples part, that it took a divorce for them to realise they still loved each other. So I went home, and figured out everything I could possiby get out of divorce, i.e. support for 5 children, half of his retirement; spousal support for marriage of 19 years; money from him to go back to school. Then I reminded him that I was from Texas and I would move back to Texas, if he went to her he would be in N Carolina with her. He would probably never see his children again. That once the children, esp our oldest sons, learned of the OW/OC that they would lose respect for him, he would become in their eyes a LOSER.
Then I discussed the impact his affair and a divorce would have on our daughters who were 12 and 6 at the time. Both girls were/are Daddy's girls. Was he truly ready to "throw" us all away for a younger person who was nowhere near the woman/lady I was?
He also had said he wanted to be friends with me if he left me; I laughed in his face; I wouldn't be his friend if he left me for her.
So, here we are now, still married. We got thru the rough times, he says now that he was so STUPID in that time frame and he is so sorry he put me through that rollercoaster. If he could go back and undo his actions ( involvement with OW, etc he would). WE are stronger and I am stronger. He also knows that if he repeats this mistake again, he will be out the door. I cannot/will not go through that again.
As for the OC we have no contact. She is now 11 years old, and he has never spoken to her or seen her. We did get a letter 5 years ago from the OW where she told him how much she still misses him, wishes he would see their daughter. She, the OC, knows about her Daddy, asks about him. Being a mother, my heart hurt for this fatherless child, but the OW knew I was pregnant when she got pregnant. Right or wrong, we believe it was a last ditch attempt to get him, she was on the pill, but took antibiotics and therefore they failed. Shouldn't she have told him so he could use something else? Of course he didn't have to comfort her when she showed up at his hotel room in tears in the night. Of course he should have been using condoms anyway since he was sleelpin with both of us, so he bring home anything extra for me, right?
Today, we have been married 31 years, and he hates to let me out of his sight. We are in our early 50's, and the sex is good. Life is good.
Now my point? Is the reality of ending may be what he needs. If not, do everything to protect you and your children. MARRIAGE is about love, DIVORCE IS ABOUT THE MONEY. You are the only one who can protect you and children and their/your futures. Decide what you want and get it, or as much as you can. I haven't looked at Texas divorce laws, but if you can get a separation I'd go for that. Let him get a taste of what the future will be like.
Remember that "being in love" is a fleeting feeling, the drug feeling. Loving someone is an action verb. Once the novelty of the affair wears off the OW becomes less and less attractive.
I know, he told me, the cold reality hit my H when she told him she was pregnant. He wasn't with her to get more responsibility, he was escaping it.
Well I have run on. sorry. Hope I helped.
As you have seen you are not alone and many strangers have heard and seen your story and care what happens to you. If a divorce is what you need or what will get him to realise what he is giving up, do it. Do what is best for you when you are ready. Don't rush into a divorce if it isn't in your best interest, personally, emotionally, financially. If you think you still want this marriage and your husband, then you may have to play hardball. Divorce is very hardball.
Good luck. Stay strong.

Texasgirl

Wow, so many people have posted to me! Thank you all of you!

I have an appt today at 11:30 to file for the Divorce! I am a nervous wreck! I just called to set up the appt and she said he could see me at 11:30! WOW!

of course now WH WANTS to work on the marriage! He says he will call me more often if that will make me happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He says he will meet all my EN's...I have another thread going on over in the PG/OC board that explains all of this...but basically, it isn't even ABOUT the OW anymore! It is about the way he TREATS me...the disrespect! the unwillingnees to do a darn thing in the marriage!

I will miss our family and everything that goes with it, but I really do think this is the right thing to do...

Like someone said...IF he shows signs of willingness by his ACTIONS to do the things to mend this, then we can pull the paperwork! Right!

Alot of people feel bad about divorces but I've seen some people just stand there and take abuse and so. But the truth of the matter is if you have and feel to. You should. It is not bad but if you just hang there it will kill you internally as well. Think for your own self at this time for that it is you. Your scared? So are alot of women and even men get nervous but don't let him get the upper hand when it comes to you living fine. Don't worry once you get the courage to say it you'll feel one step closer to relief. Trust me!