Hypothetical Question - Marriage Builders® Forums

I have been amazed at the number of people who think that there is profound hatred here for the oc. I haven't seen anybody say anything negative about the oc. But one thought led to another, and I was reminded of a TV show I watch a while ago about a mother who would not consent to allow her child to be a marrow donor for the ill child of her husband's second marriage. So here is a hypothetical scenario. I think it might be interesting for all of us to think about and see how we would respond.**************************** The oc has been stricken with luekemia. The only chance of survival lies in bone-marrow replacement. The oc has a rare blood type and there are no donors in the national donor data bank. The mother has already been ruled out as a potential donor, as has her family and your h. YOUR child, however, is a perfect match, and you have been asked to give permission for the extraction surgery. Here's the set-up: 1. The surgery cannot take place without your permission. 2. Without this bone marrow from your child, the oc will die - with it, the oc has a great chance of survival. 3. The procedure would be very painful for your child, and he/she will have lasting scars from it.4. As with any surgery, there is a risk of complications.So what would you do? would you give or withhold permission for the bone-marrow extaction?-cd[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited May 01, 2001).]

That is a very good question...and even me...had to think...if it were my 9 or 12 y/o I would ask him/her and if they agreed I would allow him/her to save the childs life...they too will endure pain...but I have no doubt they would say yes (even if it were not their sister.. but just someone who needed to live)...Now if it were my 14 month old...I dont know..I would need reassurance...but I pobably would...the biggest risk is anestheia and infection ( which are very low for the donor)..Good question...made me sick in the pit of my stomach...My Cross

Dear Mycross, Oops, didn't mean to make you feel sick! sorry about that. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

But it is a thought-provoking question, isn't it? cd

Honestly I would say no, not just because it is oc but I would not want my children to go through that, I want nothing to do with oc and sorry to say that means in anyway possible and I have thought of this scenario before I have had 4 years to think! I don't mean to offend anyone just my personal thoughts and feelings

The OC would have it in a heart beat. The OC is my child. Not by blood, but by love. I love him as I love my own. He will always have what my other kids have. I've waivered on this in the past, but then I woke up. Not the OC's fault, 'to him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not it is sin'.Good Luck and God Bless------------------ 1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power: 1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Fizzpop, here is a question...for you...if it were one of YOUR children that needed the donation to live...and the only match was OC...then what would you expect?? Just a twist to the poll..it comes dowm to the golden rule

Absolutely not, until my children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go through with this. It is their little bodies. I would not have them now go on a donor registry or whatever it is and that is exactly what they would be doing just donating to a stranger. I could never risk pain and the lives of my own children for a stranger.

c.d., Yes I would agree to it unless my child was old enough to decide for herself and didnt want to. But I think if it came down to something like this she would. I would even go as far as to tell our child about oc if I had to because of a life or death situation,and you know how I feel about that. with love flowerseed

Paul! Long time no hear, dude! What's up on your end???Bystander

well CD I guess you have your ans..of how I could EVER think that people hated (dislike the OC)...did you notice that no one reponded to my question...if is was turned around and OC needed to save your child??....could happen they are related...and I know how desprate it is to want to save your child (been there...different board)...do they dislike OC so much that they would never allow OC to donate to their child??? and allow them to die??...you never ans your on question CD would you allow your children??...I am kinda in shock here...I actually thought I had misread all those post...or maybe read something in them that was not there...I dont think I need to show anybody anything...they just need to read this thread...how I ever came to that conclusion...we ARE NOT TALKING OW...we are talking about children...funny I know my oldest 2 would do it in a heatbeat...even if they did not have a connection...because it would save a child ( I raised them to love) ...This saddens me

my dear mycross, you caught me. I didn't answer my own question because I truthfully didn't want to sway the answers one way or another. But after a LOT of thought, here is my take on it:If i had NEVER met oc, I think I *might* have honestly said no to the procedure. However, I have seen oc, I have sung songs with her, I have pushed her on a swing, I have had her little chubby arms wrapped around my neck. Of course, I would say yes. (Regardless of her conception, I actually liked oc very much during the brief time I had to get to know her. I am hoping that liking oc comes as easy for me this time as it did last time I saw her.) Mycross, don't get so worked up about the negative answers. I think you are reading too much into them. I have to admit, that even though I would agree to have one of my children be the donor, it would still be a heart-wrenching choice to put my own children through that. And if I had never met oc, if I had never bonded with her - then would I be so willing to possibly sacrifice my child's health for a "strange" child? I'm not sure that I would. I still don't see any hate for the oc here, mycross, just a lot of people who want to protect their own children.But these tough questions hit a nerve any way you look at it, don't they?As for your twist in the question - absolutely I would want oc to be a donor for my child if the situation was reversed. I don't feel badly for feeling this way, since I would let my child donate for her. -cd

MyCross, I do not see what your problem is with the answers. I was beginning to believe in you now you got me wondering again.

How could you not see it...you are saying you would allow an innocent child to die...BUT NO there is no hatred for OC here...and because I do not agree with you...I am not who I say I am...well it hurt the first time it was said here...but you know what...if you have to believe that to make YOU feel better ...because my comments are HUMAN..and I feel the way GOD would want me to feel I am sorry...you never ans MY question..if OC was the only match for your child...than what????...we would not OC to suffer to save your baby...or risk infection...because you are a fair person...and I am not real (your words)...it is not worth ans...NO because you know you would want OC to save your child if it was turned around...anyway MY REAL BABY IS CRYING GOTTA GO...

You better reread my reply sweetie. You seem to think if its not what you think then its hate it dose not work that way. sorry its not hate

I'm sure my son would be a doner. We had a 31 yr. old cousin and father of 3 and husband to one, die of leukemia even after his sister donated bone marrow.Because of that I would be a doner too....Debi------------------ Imagine....

I am not replying to be negative to anyone, I just want everyone to cool off for a minuet. If you go back and re-read the posts, you will see that there was only one answer of no. All the other answers were in the positive, some had conditions, such as letting the child decide, or only if the child was old enough to decide. Yes, CD poses tough questions, and if I were in your situations, I honestly don't know how I would answer. Now, if Abbi's half sister(OM's D) needed help in that way, I would do it, if her mother would let me. Now, as far as I know, they have no idea about Abbi, and I hope to keep it that way. It is a though decision whether the person needing the transfusion is a full sibling, half sibling, or a complete stranger!I just want to point out that even Flowerseed, who is one of the women on this board who don't want to have anything to do with the OC, stated that she would help out, and even tell her D about the OC. If you have read very much from past posts, and I mean ones from over 3 mos ago, you would see that she may not want to be involved in this child's life, but is willing to help her out, if it was necessarry. PLEASE!!!! Let's take the time to actually read these posts for what they are actually saying. I have read this thread many times since CD posted it, and it may be a tough situation to think about, but everyone has answered it honestly, from what I can see. We really are here to help eachother, and also it is a place to vent those feelings that can destroy our marriages, if left to simmer in order to avoid LBing. I actually saw a lot of unconditional love in most of the posts regarding the OC. How about we just start over, and stop the accusing of eachother. We are all here to give and receive help from eachother. What we offer is advice, and in the wise words of my father, from many years ago, "Advice is free, you can either take it or leave it." If you don't agree, please don't attack, just ignore and read on. There are many times when I read something that I don't agree with, and I just ignore it. Like I said in my other thread, why can't we just go back to where we were 2 months ago? Let's help eachother, and in the process, help our selves.Love,Tigger

Things are on the down swing Bystander [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Oh well

Ladies, Ladies, In the words the words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along", LOL. Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood. CD that was a really good question, and very thought provocing. I also love the switch question that Mycross brought up. Can we get more answer, I am very interested. If I was in both sides I would say yes!

MyCross:I'm really confused at where you see all the "hate". Seriously. Here's another twist to the question. You have a 14 month child who's the match to a complete stranger. Do you do the donation? How about 50 strangers? Do you do it 50 times?Most of the answers in the negative haven't been centered around the OC---it's been centered around the ability of the child to give consent, and protection of the child from the pain and potential complications. These aren't easy questions, and frankly, I don't believe that you can truly answer them unless faced with the actual situation.

nevermind[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited May 01, 2001).]

Not sure what I would do.I do not think my children would be a match anyway, as OW/OC are of a race, at least the part that belongs to OC, that we and my H are not, so the match may not be possible.Most likely I would ask kids what they wanted to do, whether they agreed to procedure or not. I actually do not want contact with OC, but would consider doing the transplant to help OC. However, whether I would tell my children why they are a match, I do not know. I may just tell them they may be helping a stranger, not someone who may be related to them.that would be easier for me to do given the circumstances.

Oh CD,I do love it when you stir the pot! If a complete stranger knocked at my door one morning and told me that one of my children was a perfect match for their child who was dying, they would have the bone marrow before sunset. Death and the threat of death is the great equalizer. All bets are off at that point. There is no OC, no C -- there are only human beings who are in need.If the OC was the match for my child, then it would be up to the OC's mom to make that decision. I would ask but not expect automatically that she would agree. We all get angry at people and every one of us says things that later, when we think about it, should not have been said. It is easy to shoot off your mouth, but that is a lot different from what is in your heart. When it comes to the crunch, I believe that the great majority of people have the heart to do what is right. I also want to thank Paul Moyers for reminding us that 'to him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not it is sin'. Sorry to hear that things are not going so well for you Paul. Come back and tell us about it.love, heavenly

K, I will ans your question...because it was not hateful... My 14 month old..has not ever been tested and placed in a bank...so that means that would not come up...BUT my 12 y/o has..but he was not a match...he had a classmate that had cancer...and HE asked if he could (done with a blood test)..If I received a call from somewhere stating my 12 y/o was the only hope of saving a child ( stranger) I would ask him...and I already know what his ans would be...he is a good Christian Boy (young man) and he would not even hesitate...I would Pray and do what the right thing is...so if my 14 month old had been in a bank...and it meant life or death I would say yes...NOW I have been in the health field (still am a RN)in my pre SAHM days...and the risk to donors is not that high...it would be a complete SIN..in my eyes not to save another...I would hope and Pray that someone would for my children if needed...and the ans of waiting till the children are old enough to decide...that would be too late...these kids dont have that kind of time...so to me that is skirting the issue...now if you are saying they are old enough and you let them decide that is different...BUT waiting...the child would not stand a chance...and can you imagine when it all comes out...you have to explain to your child that a child died because closemindedness ( is there such a word??) but of course that would be ME cuz I dont follow the theme here....Look I have had a lot of wasted energy here...I have alot to deal with at home right now..you know my pretend situation that is not real...and three very busy kids...I dont think it is going to help me to be in a forum that is so focused like this... I do want to say That there are some pretty remarkable women here and it was a pleasure to "meet" you...CD, and lsb I know you are in pain and I think that is why you say what you do...but your post in this thread proved you are a woman oF God... I wish you all luck...I know I will hurt and be angry and feel like I want to die (have felt all of the above)...but I will always go back to God and the strengh he has given me...If I can overcome this I can just about anything...I will pray he helps up all...LoveMy Cross

MyCross your 12 year old can that make that decision and that is great. I just could never tell my little ones that they were going to do something that would hurt them and possibly endanger their lives. There is no way! And I think any Mother would feel this way in reality and that includes any OW with her child! I would do everything in my power to save my child but I would not force someone to risk their child to save mine.

Carriesmom,If I felt my child was risking his life the ans would be NO...but the risk is in the reciever not the DONOR...the donor has very small risk of infection that can be treated ..and there is some discomfort...donor dont die...that part got totally dragged out of proportion...that is why I am having a hard time with this...maybe on TV (like when the an air bubble in the IV line) they die...when in REALITY...you can have a whole IV line of air and it wont hurt you...Donor children are not risking their lives...period..so that is where my ans come from....

Well, thank you for enlightening. I just struggle so when it comes to my kids, they are my world. I worry everyday about them, I know that is a whole other subject that i need to work on about myself. So, I guess I would look into it more. Hopefully, for every child concerned it is just not an issue.

I would try to convince my child to do it. Not because it is oc but because I would do it for anyone. Even a complete stranger. The fact that it is oc makes it no more or no less important.Jtigger

Any donor is always risking his or her life. I was turned down to even be TESTED as a possible bone marrow donor simply because of my weight, due to that making me a higher risk for problems with anesthesia. Any procedure in which anesthesia is required - for ANYONE - has a serious risk, and any procedure in which marrow or blood or surgery is dealt with has risk of blood clots.Concern for the health and life of your child is very valid.SB------------------

Hey cd, I know that Angels' big sis would volunteer. She loves her!(So do I!) God bless you,------------------ Gregg

Dear CD..... (former name IN THE SOUTH)I would not let my hatred for the situation stand in the way of helping someone in need, if I had it to give. To me it would be showing this OW that I am a better person than she is (not that anyone here is). That's my opionion. G&P

I thought about this for awhile before I came up with what I might do given the same situation.If, and ONLY if, they could assure me my child would suffer no harm or serious consequences, I would probably give the okay to do it. If they were old enough and wise enough to make the decision themselves, I would follow their wishes. However, like some of the posters said, there are risks involved with the donor. No, they are not as severe, but honestly, what child should be sacrificed for the other? Who gets to choose which child is more worthy? Now, for a real life story. Two women find out they are half-sisters. One is born out of marriage (I'll call her M), the other born from an affair (I'll call her L). M finds out about L through a letter written by L, stating the facts as they are. They are half-sisters. L wants to meet M and become "sisters", making up for lost time. M wants nothing to do with L. She is in pain, unable to speak with her mother (she died long before) and is unwilling to speak with her father about L. She knows it is the truth, but is older, has her own family with grown children and does not want to meet L. L continues to write, almost to the point of harrassment. M throws the letters away and becomes seriously depressed.A few months later, M is diagnosed with a terminal illness. The only cure is a bone marrow transplant. M has no siblings. Her children won't match. Suggestions about asking L come to the surface. M adamantly refuses. She would rather die than ask L and .. she does, a few months later. Before anybody says M was stupid because she could still be walking around today, I'll tell you this is simply not true. She would have died soon regardless of the transplant. The transplant would have just extended her life and added more physical pain every single day. However, she did make the decision not only because she knew the transplant would only help for the time being, but because she wanted nothing to do with L. She was her half-sister, but she didn't have to like her or have anything to do with her. Why? M looked at L as a product of pain for her mother, and L's mother and a catalyst for the pain. After looking back growing up, she remembered the pain her mother was in and looked at both L and L's mother (and her father) as the cause of that pain. Even though M's mother stayed with her husband, M's mother lived and eventually died a truly heartbroken woman.So, with that all being said (and yes it's a true story), now what would you do? Some food for thought. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Take care, CoR [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Couple_of_Reasons, I would have did as M took what time I had left and died in peace doing what in my heart I felt was right. with love flowerseed

I think your story speaks volumes of how the Other children of original family will feel when they learn of WS betrayal of their mother/father and how they may feel toward OC. I think my children, who are extremely close to me and my H, will be very hurt and disappointed in their father, especially if they learn of it at this young juncture of their lives. Will they feel better about it in the future? I hope so, if and when I have to tell them, but the story illustrates that many people are scathed by this sad life we have all been thrust in,a nd I think for those choosing no contact, we should feel o.k.. by it because maybe the kids of original family will be better off-and less pained. I pray that is true for me. Thanks for the true story.

I think I learned the most from hearing this story too. First and foremost, I think it's important for the parents to tell, not anybody else. Second, I think it's important to BE there to answer the questions if there are any. Third, as you said, you have to expect your children may not want anything to do with the other child too. Or the other child not wanting to know it's half siblings. I guess one just has to be prepared for anything because even with the best laid plans and good intentions, life certainly can change an awful lot. Take care, CoR [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I'm not sure if I would allow one of my children to give bone marrow to one of my other children if very young, let alone a complete stranger. This procedure is riskier than the public realizes. Now if the child is 18, they can decide for themselves. My response has nothing to do with OC. ember

This is a very heavy question. I personally don't have any feelings toward the oc. Because of my profession, i understand the bsic needs for the child has to be met. I f hi health was and issue i would present the issue to my children (if they are old enough to make a decision like that) and let them make up their minds about what they should do. I probably wouldn't put my small children thru a painful situation that they didn't understand. I don't hate the child for it parents. People should think before they come together and make a child. I have three children and i take the responsibility for care very seriously.

Wow, this is a difficult one. At first my answer was an immediate "yes, no doubt", but I guess that would depend on the situation. If my child was old enough seh could make her own decision and I am sure she would do it...if I am able to instill anything in her. Now my D is only 3. If it is life or death and no serious consequences to my child then I would bite the bullet and take her. I would do it and not just bc this is oc. I would do it any one given they come to my door and say we are their only hope.Now to answer your question MyCross...yes if it meant it would save my daughters life of course I would hope ow would do it. And I do not like ow, but I do believe she would give an answer almost identical to mine. She might have no self esteem and she might sleep around, but I will say ow loves her children very much. I know that for a fact. She is not the best decision maker in the world, but she does love them and I think she would feel for me as I would for her.Lovebw