Saving Grace's Paternity Results - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Hi everyone~

Through my tears I write this.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The results from the paternity test came in. The child that I adore and carried for nine months is not my H's. It is the OM. H and I read results togther, he has compassion and is reaching out to me but still distant (I don't blame him).

I cried from the moment I read them and am still crying inside, I will be for a long time.

H will not let me let new DD down though. He said she is the reason for the changes I have to make. He is right I just need to move forward. He did say OM must put her on his insurance etc...

H had me call OM right then and tell him she was his. I called crying saying there is something I need to tell you. He said what and I said you have a daughter and he said I'm in the middle of something I gotta go I said ok and that was it.

I don't know how to feel or what to do, I'm still struggling with getting divorced and being alone, what have I done.

I beat myself up everyday over the mistakes I've made. I don't know what else to do. I am so sorry for evrything I have done and sorry for evry minute of the deception and hurt I have caused evryone.

I know from some of the other posts that BS's think OW do not belong here but if we are reaching out for help and advice and we are remorseful for our actions then it shouldn't matter. As long as we are reaching for the correct support and not support to get the MM back. The child is what's the most important now. Sorry if I offend you for being here I am sorry that you have had to go through and continue to go through what you have.

I am just so lost as to what to do with CS and everything, he does not want to be her father.

I'm sorry adgirl and autumn day that I have not emailed you, as you can see it's been a while since I've been on. My H seems to be not around so much (on purpose) so it's been very difficult for me to even get to the computer at all. That and the fact that I have been sick to my stomach since we took the tests.

I know she is a blessing no matter how she was concieved.

SG

I am sorry for the pain that you are in. Did OM know that there was a possibility this child was his? (I'm sorry I can't remember.) How has your H been since ya'll read the result? You are right that now you have your daughter to take care of, and ou children should be the most important thing to you for now. Just try to do what you can to take care of yourself for now, and hopefully things will become clearer in a while.

hi wife30

hope all is well with you..

yes om did know there was a possibility. he admitted 2 me he thought it was his all along.

h is doing well i guess. guiding me in the right direction, still wants the divorce. says there is no love for me anymore. what destruction i have caused.

i think he is in a ea with my sil. i know long story.

i hope your pg is going well.

sg

sorry small ltrs /trying 2 feed the baby..

Just to reassure you Grace...

You DO belong here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This IS your forum too!

The only ones that do NOT belong here are those actively, contentedly, STILL involved in the affair and rubbing salt in the wounds of those still hurting.

{{{{{{{{{{Saving Grace}}}}}}}}}

[ March 12, 2005, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]

I'm SO sorry the results could NOT have been what you wanted.

It is OK for you to be here. I wish I could reach out to you & give you a HUGE hug. I am SO sorry your H is finding his 'consolation' somewhere else! That's horrible. SO many of us FBW WISH it could be OUR child & have H raise it, your H does NOT realize how lucky he is/was that you were/are sorry & were willing to try & work on your marriage.

If only he could think rationally of ALL the potential he has to help make this situation better for everyone, especially YOUR family together AND dd. Men here have done it!

I am SO very sorry.

I am saying a prayer for you right now. You will be OK. Really.

Tell that nasty SIL to BUTT out of your business & leave your family alone. That's dispicable!

Big big hugs to you. We're here for you.

sincerely,
kt

[ March 12, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I know from some of the other posts that BS's think OW do not belong here but if we are reaching out for help and advice and we are remorseful for our actions then it shouldn't matter. As long as we are reaching for the correct support and not support to get the MM back. The child is what's the most important now. Sorry if I offend you for being here I am sorry that you have had to go through and continue to go through what you have. <hr /></blockquote>Sweetie, there is a BIG difference in an STOW and a WSOW! you are a married WS that has REMORSE for what you have done! You are NOT an STOW who has NO remorse or anything! BIG difference...KWIM!

You belong here just as much as any other BS, WS or OW who is trying to do the right thing...

I am sorry for your news! We are all here to suport you! {{{HUGS}}}

(((((Grace))))

I'm so sorry you have to be going through all of this. I know it is the worst feeling in the world. Stay strong and focus on your daughter. Youmade some baad choices in the past, but it made you stronger and wiser.

Good Luck

thank you justuss, ktbunch, momto3boys, crazymum~

thank you for making me feel welcome and wanted, which is something i don't have here at home...

h and i just had a big dicussion, i don't know why i cant keep my mouth shut and just listen. evrytime i point fingers, i blame, i cry, i do a ton of love busting. i just cant understand why love just cant overcome all of this.

im just so emotional right now i cant see clear. i see no end, i feel like ive been crying all my life when will it ever stop. and then i take a deep breathe and for a moment it does.

i know that h still cares for me deeply but then a few minutes later he is so hostile. i know ive lied so much that he will never be able to trust me again.

i just want him to love me again, love us.

{{{{{{{{{hugs back at cha}}}}}}}}}}}}}]
sg

Grace

With all the stress of what is going on, then giving birth a short time ago, do you think you are suffering from depression???

Talk with your DR, it might even help if you get some IC.

I just want to take you in my arms and give you a big hug.

If your H and you are really willing to give it a try,it won't be easy, but it can work.

I've had two Oc's from Xmm, H and I are still together.

Hi Sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't think to look for you on this particular board. I've been wondering how you were doing.

And I'm really sorry that the paternity test didn't go the way you had hoped it would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You are stronger than you know. Over the past few months you've dealt with so much adversity. You've taken responsibility for your own mistakes in a way that is RARE in this world. You've steadfastly refused to hide behind excuses and justifications. You've maintained your course in improving yourself; working very hard to be the best person you can be.

Please give yourself some credit for all that. As I've told you before....a person can only do the BEST that they can do. How can anyone do more than that?

Take a little time and remember the person that you were this time last year. Compare her to the woman that you are today. Look at everything you've learned. It's utterly amazing....the things you know now, that you didn't know then.

No matter what happens in your marriage, no one can take this knowledge from you. It will help you in your interactions with every person you ever meet.

There are so many people that can't take a negative life experience, evaluate it, and then carry the lessons that they learned forward into a better life. But you are doing it EVERYDAY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could have wished that you all had waited to do the paternity test until you were out of the woods for possible post-partum depression. I hope you'll monitor closely with your OB, and with your counselor.

And I hope you'll keep posting here and letting your friends at MB continue to support you. They are giving you terrific advice when they tell you to concentrate on working on you, and being the best Mom you can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ultimately, you may not be able to save the marriage. But it will never be from lack of effort on your part, or from willingness to recognise your own mistakes, and to make changes accordingly. That's rare, Sweetie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And who knows? Maybe in time your husband will heal from this hurt and want to continue on. Anything can happen when your attitude is a POSITIVE one.

Enjoy your babies...both of them. And take advantage of every opportunity to smile when you can.

Hang in there kiddo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{savingrace}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I too wish I could just give you a big hug.
I agree with crazymum if you think you and your husband can make it work. This is all a big blow with him too and I'm sure triggers are coming at him left and right. For both of you! Right now you need to take care of you and your kids. I wish I could just take this all away from you and your pain would be gone. Crazy is right too about depression. It's very common after a baby and add everything else. Take care of yourself! {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Ladyjane14:
 Hi Sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't think to look for you on this particular board. I've been wondering how you were doing.

And I'm really sorry that the paternity test didn't go the way you had hoped it would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You are stronger than you know. Over the past few months you've dealt with so much adversity. You've taken responsibility for your own mistakes in a way that is RARE in this world. You've steadfastly refused to hide behind excuses and justifications. You've maintained your course in improving yourself; working very hard to be the best person you can be.

Please give yourself some credit for all that. As I've told you before....a person can only do the BEST that they can do. How can anyone do more than that?

Take a little time and remember the person that you were this time last year. Compare her to the woman that you are today. Look at everything you've learned. It's utterly amazing....the things you know now, that you didn't know then.

No matter what happens in your marriage, no one can take this knowledge from you. It will help you in your interactions with every person you ever meet.

There are so many people that can't take a negative life experience, evaluate it, and then carry the lessons that they learned forward into a better life. But you are doing it EVERYDAY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could have wished that you all had waited to do the paternity test until you were out of the woods for possible post-partum depression. I hope you'll monitor closely with your OB, and with your counselor.

And I hope you'll keep posting here and letting your friends at MB continue to support you. They are giving you terrific advice when they tell you to concentrate on working on you, and being the best Mom you can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ultimately, you may not be able to save the marriage. But it will never be from lack of effort on your part, or from willingness to recognise your own mistakes, and to make changes accordingly. That's rare, Sweetie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And who knows? Maybe in time your husband will heal from this hurt and want to continue on. Anything can happen when your attitude is a POSITIVE one.

Enjoy your babies...both of them. And take advantage of every opportunity to smile when you can.

Hang in there kiddo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>These are some very wise words savinggrace! She is very right too.

wife30, crazymum, ladyjane (i miss u), ktbunh, mom23boys, justuss, needtomoveon~

I feel all your hugs and gather strength from them. I am amazed at how you who have become friends, who are strangers can accept me and my faults as you do.

This morning was probably the worst day between us. He kicked me out 5 times....and then told me to stop because he knows I can't take care of Lindsey.

The trigger (going to the sports show) with my brother and sil. He wanted to take older dd with and I said I should get rest. I just couldnt hold it in anymore. I accused him again of ea/pa with sil. I told him I would show phone records to his family, my family and her family. He got made said I sleep around, kicked me out.

I told him if he wants this divorce then that he has to earn his way out, I won't hand him freedom on a silver platter. He ofcourse said what am I gonna do. I said what do I have to lose everyone knows I had an affair, everyone knows she is not my H's, my life is an open book, he has nothing to hurt me with.

He made me call brother and tell him that he could no longer be a part of his life. My brother chose my H. He said I was barking up the wrong tree accusing him and his wife, he said he knows they talk ALOT. He said he cant talk to him like she can, like a women can. I still feel very violated and untrust worthy. My brother said I dug my own hole, I hung up on him, it was already a very lengthy conversation and no matter what the situation he is my blood, my brother. I would drop everything for him as I believe he should for me. I no longer have a brother. He never called me back. Mind you I have never done anything mean or hurtful, stolen or betrayed my brother. There is no reason why he can help me right now.

I admit I made mistakes but everyday I am changing, what more can I do but remove myself from this earth because of the pain I have. Dont worry I wont, I'm already on meds for depression, Im gonna have my OB up the mg. I also am going to switch therapists. My current therapist is just to invloved like a soap opera, she cried when I told he about opening H's cell bill and found he talks to her 3000 minutes a month. That's just to strange for me. I think this will be a good move because now I just gonna concentrate on me and my past and not the marriage anymore.

You know H still has his wedding ring on. He says he justs wants me to be ok. He wants me to give the girls evrything I didnt have. He said we need to love them both. That's wierd he says that because he said right now he cannot be a father to her, well he said he couldnt say yes or no.

OM hasnt called either, i didnt expect him to. H knows OM will be nothing and do nothing for her.

H said when I read the results and said she wasnt H's that his heart went out to her.

Why cant I have the strength to just move on and let him go? Why do I love him so much now but not enough then? It would be easier if I had anyone to put my head on and lean in and cry.

I dont want to climb into a shell but I feel like I have. Like im staring into space and just waiting. Waiting to breathe, waiting for the numbness and pain to go away.

You are all my SAVING GRACE~I desperately look forward to all of your words and kindness and I thank you for them deeply, so do my children.

{{{{{{{{{{{{MANY MORE HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
SG

You are under an incredible amount of stress right now, Grace. The frustration and sense of panic must be terrible for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's times like these though that you have to rely on the information that you've learned here at MB, so that you don't exacerbate the situation. LB's right now aren't going to help you in ANY way, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is why it's really a great idea to concentrate your efforts on yourself and your children instead of trying to repair the marriage right at this moment.

Give the dust time to settle a bit. The news of your daughter's paternity has upset the status quo of the last few months. Don't let your sense of panic push you into actions. Don't give Panic feet to walk with.

Take a deep breath. Take a warm bath. Take a break. Give yourself an opportunity to get through each panicky moment as it comes.

Sometimes your best bet is to just not make the situation worse. First, do no harm, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Accusing your H of inappropriate behavior with your SIL will not improve your relationship with him right now, it'll only make it worse.

His relationship with her may be inappropriate, but you are unlikely to change his attitude about it at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Time is your friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The more time that passes with your husband still in your home and in your life, the better your chances of reconciliation.

I'm sorry your brother wasn't supportive of you. That's got to hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I think it's fair to say that your brother and his wife are overly invested in your problems. It's not healthy for the extended family dynamic for folks to choose sides like that.

It would have been better if your husband had gone for professional help, but it looks like he's set up a support system with them instead. Does your brother realize that their interference may result in a permanent rift in your family? Would your brother consider going to a counseling session with you to talk about that?

I'm not sure what to say about a counselor that is emotional on your behalf. I'll leave that for more qualified MBer's to comment on.

Have faith that you're going to be okay. I'm not a super-religious person, but even I know that the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes, we just have to have faith that He has a plan for us, and that He wouldn't set a mountain before us that we couldn't climb. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Ladyjane~

I never used to climb mountains, I used to go right through them. This is trul the first one I think i literally have to climb.

I feel everyday I climb some and then fall back even more.

I have been strong and I have been showing H that I am changing but he will always se me as a deceptive, manipulative lier and there is noting that will cahnge that I think.

Why cant they see that the relationship they are having is not right for anyone? My h is over there every weekend and Im not exaggerating. Trust me I dont want to lb at all but it builds up and then explodes.

We decided to do the paternity test for ourselves so that we could deal with it together before anyone else could. I'm glad we did it, we know now and its taken some of the issues upfront now. He does show quite alot of care for us both but no emotion behind it. He says I dont know how many times he's cried in the shower because he didnt know what to do anymore.

He says of all the things that have happened in my life that i needed to stop playing the victim, that I need to stop crying wolf.

I called my brother last night crying, left a message said we havnt talked in a long time, we need to talk. He never called me back.

Before I saw the cell records of H and sil, i wanted sil and brother to be new dd'd godparents. He said that I should have asked them. I said H had reservations, brother didnt know what to say. I may still find the courage to apologize, im not sure. I do think it is a good idea about the ic session though. I dont think he cares though and my H is over there right now he shouldve said she needs you more then anything right now, call her, talk to her help her. I'm crying now.....even my sil she should tell him the same shouldnt she?

babys crying...
sg

It's ok.

You WILL be ok.

You WILL survive this.

you WILL come through this.
************************************
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H & I have said many hurtful things to each other over the years, many times thought D was iminent. Love can get you through it. WHen we ARE actually being loving. Insults are not loving. CAlling names is not loving. Punishing someone is not loving.

Forgiveness is loving. Repentance can be loving.

Your H probably feels VERY justified right now, 'confiding' in SIL. From the outside looking in, it clearly looks inappropriate. There is NOTHING he must discuss w/ her that he can't discuss w/ a MALE.

Besides that though, take a deep breath. Hold your baby as much as possible. THat is one of the main thigns they tell you to do w/ ppd. IT helps & will force you to sit down, relax & take it easy. I had ppd w/ last 2 babies, severly w/ the youngest.

Take it VERY easy on yourself.
*************************************
*************************************
I know it all feels impossible right now. But look @ how many women are here that have been where you are @. And BS who have been where your H is @ & we found forgiveness & love was restored for our spouse. IT was not easy, it was painful @ times. The trust came back, it had to be earned, but it came back.

Is there any way you both can counsel w/ the Harleys?
***********************************
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No matter what, remember that you are not alone & you WILL get through this.

Stay focused. Yes, you did something wrong. But you dont have to beat yourself up over it forever, neither does anyone else.

Make your peace w/ God, accept His forgiveness & move forward. God in His wisdom chose to show you His unconditional love & forgiveness by BLESSING YOU w/ a child. Many BW have tried to understand it. But that is HIS wisdom @ work.

Accept it for what it is. Children are a blessing. You may think you don't deserve ANY blessing, none of us do. That is why it is such a gift from a perfect God.

Enjoy your baby. You are the best mom for her.

More big hugs sweetheart,
kt

ktbunch~

Will we ever get past saying the mean and hurtful things? I believe that love can overcome anything but he doesn't. I have been putting so main coins in his love bank but he doesn't care. Our D is iminent, we go for our pretrial conference on 4/11. I thought I had more time.

I feel this is his way of punishing me. Because him being with my family every weekend hurts more then anything. My brother is all i have here, some family in illinois and canada, my mom lives upnorth. She's an alcholic so i tend to stay away from her, I blame her for alot.

I am trying to forgive myself, and I repent everyday. But i dont think he thinks i deserve forgiveness.

I guess as long as my brother sees it as acceptable then thats fine, I brought to the table everything that need to be said. I feel VERY justified in doing so. What my brother does now is up to him.

I think I have the ability to overcome this depression thing. I love my girls so much that Im starting to realize they are all that matters. As I breathe, and breathe a little deeper each time I become more relaxed.

I know that new dd is a blessing. I became pg for a reason. No matter how she was concieved, she is innocent and deserves so much. I wish that some of my friends and family saw it that way, shun me dont shun her. That makes them just like me.

He doesnt want any type of counseling. He has made his decision to do what is best for older DD. Wants stability that I cant give her.

I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???

SG

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better.
I know what you mean by going through mountains instead of over them. I am strong like bull...

But in my depths of depression, sadness, regret, and thinking "How am I going to get through this?!", I have learned to rely on God. I have never been a real religious person. I grew up in a "holy-roller" family. Pentecostal... So I went the other way and thought I can do this instead of getting on my knees.

So I am not shoving religion on you. Just realize there is a higher power for you to lean on. When I finally said to myself, I cannot do this on my own. I got down on my knees and cried for His help. Only then did could I help myself and my family.

Hugs and prayers,

ent

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Saving Grace:
 ktbunch~ He doesnt want any type of counseling. He has made his decision to do what is best for older DD. Wants stability that I cant give her.

I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???

SG <hr /></blockquote>What does that mean? THat he is taking oldest dd & you are left w/ baby? THat can't be good. Do you agree w/ that?

Why can't YOU give her stability? If you can provide it for baby #2 why not the oldest? I'm confused here.

Can you hang out w/ brother AND H & brother's W? WHy does it only have to be them & him? Why can't you come along?

I'm so sorry. I think HE is in a fog!

I will keep praying for you. Don't lose hope.

THis is NOT the end. You are NOT alone, even though I know it totally feels like it.

cyber hugs & flare prayers for you & your family,
kt

[ March 15, 2005, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???<hr /></blockquote>Why do you have to move out? Would that be your decision or his? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I can only tell you what I think based on what you have posted. So here goes....

In the months that I have been reading your posts, he has NEVER backed away from his stance on wanting a divorce. He has often given you the idea that maybe after the divorce, he'd be willing to consider some kind of relationship with you, and at times I think he's led you to believe that there might be some new beginning. Correct me if I'm wrong.

His intention has ALWAYS been clear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That said, the longer that you can remain with him....the more likely your chances that he will indeed observe positive changes in you. The longer you are with him, filling all the EN's you can manage, and refraining from LB's the better the chance that he will consider a continuation of his relationship with you.

I'd like to be able to tell you that he's going to change his mind and not go through with it....but he's never given an indication that he would do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That doesn't have to necessarily be THE END. I have and aunt who divorced and remarried the same man three times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What I'm saying is that ANYTHING could happen in your situation. But when you step away from the MB precepts, you're decreasing your chances of keeping the marriage going. You can't Plan A nearly as well, when you don't have contact with your spouse.

No matter what the outcome, Grace, you just don't have the luxury of falling apart. You've got babies to tend to for one thing. And for another, you can't prove the "stability" that your husband is demanding of you when you've gone all to pieces.

I'm sure you're feeling terribly stressed and uncertain. That's understandable. But NOW is the time to put all the training you've had over the last couple of months to good use. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you're having a hard time with the PPD, call your doctor today. Show what you can do through your actions on addressing problems. Don't wait for others to address them for you. Right now, you can't count on anyone else but YOU.

And don't think for one minute that you are not ENOUGH. You are. You can get through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((SavingGrace)))

The thought process of the BS- amongst the hurt and pain, are not very understandable to anyone. The amount of turmoil your H is feeling now will swing from wanting to forgive to wanting to see you in pain-- 10 times a day at this point.

There is no way to force a BS in this much shock, into doing or feeling what you think he should. I am sure that he wants and wishes he could just be okay and stay with his family and you. May not show signs of it, but believe me he has them.

Nothing from the past can be changed at this point, so, there is only 2 things that CAN and hopefully will change your H's heart- TIME and GOD. He, like you were during the A, is in a deep fog that is masking his ability to do much that is sensible to the outsider. What he is doing seems very typical to me of the BS. He cares about you still in some kind of dutiful way-- but he is so betrayed right now that he cannot fathom loving you again. He also feels jusitifed in any actions he chooses-- even the ones you STRONGLY disagree with.

Your brother and SIL are there to confort him and he needs someone badly right now. Your H does not see or care if his support system is your family. I bet this actually makes him feel better knowing this is hurting you. The BS cannot see or begin to feel "sorry" for the WS's pain at this poing. That part will take time, and I pray that you dont destroy one another during that time.

I just wanted to first give you an idea of where you H's head is at. He has no head now-- and that is what you have to remember, SG!

Now, what you must do is PROVE PROVE PROVE, WITH YOUR FEELINGS ASIDE (just for now, sweetie) that you are changed, you love him and your family and that you will be steadfast in your promise to help him, you and your family heal. As the Bw, I have to say the #1 priority for me and the #1 healing method for me was when my H became a punching bag and a pillow to cry on -- with his needs aside-- with him making restitution to me in a completely humble way. Then I melted just enough to WANT to love him again.. and then I DID love him again.

I know you are extremely hurt, sad, confused and remorseful-- but your H needs to know that-- not just by words, but with time, actions and inquiry of his needs and his feelings WITHOUT LBing or without speaking of the past and the "why" you did it, etc.... know what I mean?

Now add a new baby and a little PPD in there-- and sweetie you are going to need God and all the strength you can muster up for your baby ! You have no easy task.

I think actions and time CAN change your H's heart! And if you need to deal with you and baby only (because H makes it impossible for you to talk to him at all, etc.)... then you do have to concentrate on you and your children.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS, trust God and his word!
God can move mountains- it is not your job to move them-- you pray and pray for God to help you PASS THROUGH the mountains with his SAVING GRACE! Great name.

Stick around here and I know PERSONALLY how lonely it was having no one to talk to-- it is so hopeless and makes you feel so insignificant, doesnt it? Well- I came here and sometims THAT is God's work ALSO! Seeking advice from "friends" who care more of the juicy story or have no real advice can steer you wrong! I believe God used this site to teach me things- to have others guide me in a way that I had NO idea an "internet" board could do????

Of course you are welcome here. You are in pain and you need some ((hugs))! We love and forgave our spouse for what they did- how can we as compassionate human beings condemn you?

p.s.-- have you tried writing your brother and/or husband a letter to convey your feelings in a true, clear, non LBing or interrupted manner? I have found this to be an awesome tool throughout my life with good results.

Dear dear Grace~

First, I'm right there with everyone who said they wish they could reach out and give you a big hug. My heart literally aches for you Grace.

I don't want to give you false hope, but I do want you to try and concentrate on the good things your H has said and done, more than you concentrate on the negative, ok? I also detect in your statements, your H is trying desperately to communicate with you. He's trying to figure and sort out a lot of things. I'm quite certain he doesn't yet know what he wants. Divorce probably makes sense to him. Almost like, well of course I should divorce Grace--who wouldn't?, what else is there to do?, what other options do I have?... Here's the things you said, I think you should focus on. I think when you concentrate on positive things, it will also help you in your endeavor to NOT LB. It will help you in your own Plan A.
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> H said when I read the results and said she wasnt H's that his heart went out to her.<hr /></blockquote> <blockquote>quote:<hr /> You know H still has his wedding ring on. He says he justs wants me to be ok. He wants me to give the girls evrything I didnt have. He said we need to love them both. That's wierd he says that because he said right now he cannot be a father to her, well he said he couldnt say yes or no. <hr /></blockquote> <blockquote>quote:<hr /> He does show quite alot of care for us both but no emotion behind it. He says I dont know how many times he's cried in the shower because he didnt know what to do anymore.

<hr /></blockquote>Grace, he is very conflicted. He's not making his decisions without care or concern for you the girls and himself. What do you say to him when he says he cries in the shower over not knowing what to do anymore? Honey, be happy when he shows care, even if you detect no emotion. Thank him without questioning the no emotion. Trust his positive actions, just as you wish him to trust yours.

I must say, I'm really disappointed in your brother and SIL and any friends who are abandoning you at this time. I understand that sin is far reaching, and affects even the people we don't directly sin against, but I wish they were able to separate this in their minds and be there for both of you.

However, just as you cannot control your H's actions, you cannot control theirs. IMO, family members and close friends should stay out of situations like this. Not taking any side whatsoever. Being there for support of BOTH the BS and WS, IF needed--otherwise, they should mind their own beeswax. Since it's not going that way for you, I'd just steer clear of them for now. Otherwise, it seems when you talk to them and emotions are high, the blame game starts up. They blame you for what you've caused--you blame them for not being there for you, and on it goes.

FTR, the whole thing with your SIL is still a big red flad, BUT try not to go there right now. Your H is going to do what he's going to do. You don't want to get in the blame game with him either. It sounds like unless there's more concrete evidence, he and everyone else will continue to throw your sins in your face, and make it look like you're trying to bring him down to your level to justify yourself, you know? I don't know what your brother is thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , but again, do NOT concern yourself with that right now.

Just continue to work on yourself. Consistency, consistency, consistency. Let your actions speak for themselves. Soon you won't have to assure your H he can trust you, because your actions will tell him.

Please don't isolate yourself Grace. Get out there, get involved in your church. Make some new friends. Reach out and do for OTHERS less fortunate than you--did you know that's one SURE way to get your thoughts off yourself and your troubles? Don't lose sleep over the people who have shunned you, and your DD. If they're true friends, they'll come around.

No need to apologize for not emailing me. Don't be silly. Trust me, I understand. But...lol, when you're able, please write <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . There's something personal I'd like to share with you, that I cannot do so here. Here's my address in case you lost it. aut_day@yahoo.com

Love,
~ad

{{{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
My dad has always had a saying. Love the sinner, hate the sin. I'm so sorry your going through all this. I agree with what has been told to you. I wish your b and sil would let you and h settle your own problems without getting involed. As you've been told this is how it is right now and you have to give this some time. I can imagine how your feelings though. Right now you have to take care of YOU so you can take care of your kids! Focus on that so your kids will be okay. Show your husband that you are climbing all those mountains and although hard..........YOUR DOING IT!!!! I'm praying for you! My heart just aches for you.

Grace,

I am very sorry to hear this news. It obviously makes this much harder on everyone. However, I think you need to change a few things.

First you need to secure CS for you new baby. It is imperative that you take care of that child, and that requires action. Next, you don't have to give up your 3 year old because of this. So when the hearings come up state your case, and make your case.

What I am suggesting is that your H will see you in a different light as you begin to stand up for yourself. I don't mean fight and argue, that is bad. I mean have enough self respect NOT to fight but to be able to firmly state your goals: take good care of your children, be the person you know you can be, have boundaries with regard to how your H treats you, and be strong enough to be you.

He needs to see YOU. He does not need to see a "defeated woman". You are NOT DEFEATED do you hear me?? You now have two children to raise with or without his help or OM's help. Plan for doing that. Plan for your life and you just might find that your H will want to be part of it.

I am guessing but I think your H will let the divorce go through. I think it is a "face saving" strategy on his part. It also protects him financially with regard to you newest one. Hence show him he doesn't have to worry, make sure OM pays CS for HIS child. It will bring him into your life, but he is already with respect to your child. But, it might also show your H, that you will take on OM and fight him for what is right for you child.

As has been said your H is in the "worst" situation. This is every man's nightmare and I am sure he is no exception. I think there is something there, but what he needs to see is the YOU that inside. The person that you can be and will be no matter what he decides. The stronger you are the more attractive you will become.

So NO LB's, no arguing because there is no need to argue. Know your boundaries, have a plan for your life no matter what he decides, and begin to execute it. You can do this Grace, and if you do, you will be much happier for it, no matter what he decides.

Don't worry so much about his actions. They are what they are, and they don't make a lot of sense other than they are of a hurt man trying to regain his feet. He may or he may not you cannot help here. Please realize this. He MUST heal himself, you cannot help him in this regard. You can be nice, you can be pleasant, you can be remorseful, but you will do best when you realize that HE must work through this himself.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Afternoon friends~

I only have a few minutes but just want to let u know about last night and the night before.

We had the argument the other night about the sports show, he left with older dd to go to b and sil's house.

I went by a friends house to watch a movie and dinner, I did not call H at all to let him know or check in. He called me at 1130 when he got home to find out where I was. I didnt answer. I got home at 230. I fell asleep at friends.

I had to work at the salon on monday and H called me a 8. I missed the call. I called OM and asked if we could talk, we will have face to face on wednesday he doesnt want to do it over the phone, I asked him if he told his w, he said no. Called H told him, H apologized for mean and hurtful things he has been saying.

He called at lunch and I apologized for the mean and hurtful things I have been saying, we talked some and then let each other go.

I came home from work at 530 he brought home dinner and then the phone rang, it was my brother. I tried to talk but little dd was fussy so I told him id call back. Put big dd to bed and gave H little dd and called back. H wanted me to talk downstairs by him I said I wanted privacy. Went upstairs, got into a heated bad conversation with brother, H started yelling at me, I was crying, brother wanted to talk to h, h wouldnt. I said this is the exact reason why I asked to have a private conversation w/brother, face to face. B and I talked/argued more and I hung up telling him he had no sister. He called me back several times i hung up, called H to talk 2 me. H tried to relay message I wouldnt listen, H told brother to lv mesg on my cell and if I choose to call back then I do. H & I argued a little and suddenly something he said made me calm and scared and realize what I have been doing these past 2 years. Our conversation was the most civil it had ever been. I have been lying so much that I cant remember anything I tell people anymore. I make things up to make the bad things in my life better or cover them up or to make people have sympathy for me. Please dont think that I am lying to any of you, my intentions here have been clear. After the converstion with H my head finally felt clear, he said so many things to me that I was ready to hear now. He said he's been trying to tell me for so long and finally the way he said them to now clicked.

Long story short my brothers message said he wants to be here for me, he understands the r that h and sil have he pays the bills he sees the calls and if he finds nothing wrong with there relationship then I need to respect that. I called my b, I cried he listened and we both said so much, he said he was proud of everything I just finally admitted and blamed no one. He forgives me and understands there is a long road ahead of all of us. My sil did not however want my apology, b said she isnt ready yet. I said tell her what weve talked about and tell her i love her.

H went on sewer call during the conversation, when he came home he asked what we talked about, i told him. I told H i do not wnt him to end the r with them, i do not want him to be uncomfortable with me or around me, I understand what I need to do now and what I need to finally talk about in therapy. I asked them all to be very stren and trutful with me when the think I might be lying, they said they have all along. Now I know it will be different. Now Im ready to accept it, I am no longer on the defensive. I am able to move forward and be strong(er).

I here everything all of you have wrote, my children come first and yes OM will be rsponsible for this child and yes I will save my marriage and my H will see everything in me he should have seen a long time ago. I still want my b and sil to be Lindsey's godparents.

I want to write letters to all of my other friends, if they chose to forgive me then they do if they do not then I move on.

I feel really good today even thought there has been so many tears, the tears I cry now are finally of joy. This was only a little hill I know I have more mountains to climb.

I wil also be going to church on sunday, I keep saying it btu im not doing it. I will ask H to come with me, I will also ask H soon to mediation or come to my counselor, I ve been afraid to do that. Im not afriad anymore.

I go to therapy today so I will see how this session goes and decide after if i want to change.

I will let you ALL knwo later or tomorrow how it goes.

Love you ALL~SG

PS Please pray for me now more then ever to make the most positive changes in my life that I will ever make and that I ask God to help me with them. That I finally ask for help and not try it on my own.

Saving Grace,
I know you are sorry for what has happened and what you did in your life, But that in NO way means you have to tolerate disrespect and betrayel of your sister in law and husband. I am sorry but it is not appropriate for your husband to talk to your sister in law every single day.

He can do all that with a male friend. And How do you think affairs start? From two people becoming friends and confiding in each other. No one is above it, It can happen to any one.

Your sister n law should understand your concern and pull back. She isnt helping she is adding fuel to the fire.

I also see no reason you can not care for both your children, Children need their mother as much as they need a father. When You start becoming independent and show him You are sorry but still are an adult and not a doormat. Your husband will see things in a different light. Seems he and your sister n law are playing both you and your brother. Time will tell all. But in the mean time. Know that you are a strong woman who can make the best out of a bad situation.

Make sure you want om involved before you drag him into it. Know that it will come with its own set of issues that will have to be worked out.

Your marriage can still work out, but not with interference from outsiders. The only two people who should be involved are you and your husband.
It is so easy as a WS to just let every one run over them out of guilt. Easy for a bs to feel you should be punished for what has happened. But I promise you that isnt helping either of you.

I dont know if they still post but go back and find pops post and fullhouse , same situation, I believe he was going to leave and take the children. Read or maybe let your husband read his post, he came a long way and I learned alot from him.

SG,
I cried when reading your first post on here. Just awful. I am so sorry. But I echo what JL is saying, as well as all the people who are telling you that your SIL and H's relationship is inappropriate. Your wrongdoing does not make theirs right!! THEY have to take responsibility for the crap they are pulling too. And I can't understand why your brother is being the way he is to you either. I am glad things have seemed to calm between you two but can't understand why your flesh and blood would even be a jerk to you in the first place.
Take care of yourself and your little ones.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
adgirl48

Grace,

I notice that there seems to be a lot of arguing between you, H, your B, and SIL. That needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW. You need to start to act with GRACE. You can change the dynamics WITHOUT letting anyone run over you or disrespect you.

But, if you want respect, you need to start treating people with respect and arguing in not getting that done. It is time for a change. You have two children that need your care. You have a very hurt H, that needs to see changes in your behavior. There is NOT a single person in your life that you cannot positively affect IF you begin to act with GRACE. Respect yourself, and respect others, and you will start to see big differences in how they react to you.

Please think about this. This is NOT the time to be arguing with anyone, if ever there was agood time.

God Bless,

JL

hi everyone~

sorry been busy, back to work

JL I do try really hard not to argue, so much so that the "grace" did prevail in that last show down.

Back at salon a couple of days so that where I've been.

Switching therapist, she cried again, that makes me uncomfortable, I cant deal with that.

As far as moving out, I have no choice the house is in his dad's name. I dont know what else to do.

Registered big DD for jr kindergarten, they say she is a little behind. I find that odd cuz she knows what a trapazoid and an octagon is, but I think maybe she's more adult then child.. Has to learn differences and balancing and not to draw stick people. I thought k was about playing and napping and art. What happened in 25 years???

Only had a few minutes I justed wanted u to know I'm ok. Adgirl and Autumnday I will try and email you later today.

SG

A little behind??

Man oh man don't get me started. On the school stuff. We got a call from school because your youngest was a "moron" or something of the sort. It seems they were testing him in K and they asked him what color a banana was. He anwered "white". They asked him the coldest month of the year and he answered July. We live in the Bay Area and JULY is the coldest month of the year because of the fog.

It seems they had a problem with a kid that actually paid attention to the world around him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So don't worry about it, just look at these people and realize that if it is NOT in their book it just doesn't exist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Grace, continue to deflect the arguements and turn them into discussions. You do this by asking questions about statements they made: Why do you feel this way? What have I said that would make you think this? Then ask followup questions and gradually turn each potential arguement INTO a discussion. You don't have to agree with their point of view but make them state it and explain it. Until you can agree that you see their point, even if you don't agree with it.

Do you see what I am talking about. Have a good weekend.

God Bless,

JL

JL~

What do you mean a banana isnt white? Just kidding, children like ours see the common sense and truth in things when we don't, funny hey.

I understand you point of turning the arguements into discussions, I think many of them have started as arguements but ended as discussions. Not to many but some.

Talked a little on wednesday w/om about our daughter. He doesn't want anything to do with her still, he wont even look at her. That makes more of a statement then he thinks, that shows me he knows he would love her if he just opened up to her. He had trouble w/his son in the begining and his mom said all you have to do is love him. That is what I ended the discussion with on weds, like you mom said about your son, "all you have to do is love her and everything else will make sense, maybe it might even lead you to make better decisions." H edidnt see it that way. He doesnt want to bring this shame to anyone in his family, he said it would kill the grandparents and parents, that they wouldnt understand. I told him to let them make the decision, dont make it for them. We ended without any answers as of yet. Thats fine with me we atleast talked. He wants adoption, I and my H say no way. Atleast my H agrees with me on something! And he couldnt say yes or no to being little dd's daddy.

I went to church today, it was a 2 hour service, I had both the girls by myself. I chose a perfect day to return to the church. It is Palm Sunday and I was born on Palm Sunday 32 years ago and my birthday falls on Easter this year, how wonderful that is. I was also baptized on Mother's Day so this one will be just as special with my 2 little blessings.

A friend of ours was having one of those candle parties today. I talked to H about the possibility of SIL being there and that I didnt want to be uncomfortable, or make her uncomfortable. My brother says I owe her and apology for the disrespect etc., I talked to H and said I wasnt ready to call her and that I didnt want the call to seem ungeniune or insincere because all I wanted to do was go to the party. He didnt understand that but it doesnt matter anyway, I understand. Still part of me wants to go but I know that not going is the right thing. Or atleast I feel that way.

Right now H has big dd visiting grandma and grandpa. Little dd is sleeping like a little princess, she is just more beautiful everyday.

SG