Hi everyone~

Through my tears I write this.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The results from the paternity test came in. The child that I adore and carried for nine months is not my H's. It is the OM. H and I read results togther, he has compassion and is reaching out to me but still distant (I don't blame him).

I cried from the moment I read them and am still crying inside, I will be for a long time.

H will not let me let new DD down though. He said she is the reason for the changes I have to make. He is right I just need to move forward. He did say OM must put her on his insurance etc...

H had me call OM right then and tell him she was his. I called crying saying there is something I need to tell you. He said what and I said you have a daughter and he said I'm in the middle of something I gotta go I said ok and that was it.

I don't know how to feel or what to do, I'm still struggling with getting divorced and being alone, what have I done.

I beat myself up everyday over the mistakes I've made. I don't know what else to do. I am so sorry for evrything I have done and sorry for evry minute of the deception and hurt I have caused evryone.

I know from some of the other posts that BS's think OW do not belong here but if we are reaching out for help and advice and we are remorseful for our actions then it shouldn't matter. As long as we are reaching for the correct support and not support to get the MM back. The child is what's the most important now. Sorry if I offend you for being here I am sorry that you have had to go through and continue to go through what you have.

I am just so lost as to what to do with CS and everything, he does not want to be her father.

I'm sorry adgirl and autumn day that I have not emailed you, as you can see it's been a while since I've been on. My H seems to be not around so much (on purpose) so it's been very difficult for me to even get to the computer at all. That and the fact that I have been sick to my stomach since we took the tests.

I know she is a blessing no matter how she was concieved.

SG

I am sorry for the pain that you are in. Did OM know that there was a possibility this child was his? (I'm sorry I can't remember.) How has your H been since ya'll read the result? You are right that now you have your daughter to take care of, and ou children should be the most important thing to you for now. Just try to do what you can to take care of yourself for now, and hopefully things will become clearer in a while.

hi wife30

hope all is well with you..

yes om did know there was a possibility. he admitted 2 me he thought it was his all along.

h is doing well i guess. guiding me in the right direction, still wants the divorce. says there is no love for me anymore. what destruction i have caused.

i think he is in a ea with my sil. i know long story.

i hope your pg is going well.

sg

sorry small ltrs /trying 2 feed the baby..

Just to reassure you Grace...

You DO belong here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This IS your forum too!

The only ones that do NOT belong here are those actively, contentedly, STILL involved in the affair and rubbing salt in the wounds of those still hurting.

{{{{{{{{{{Saving Grace}}}}}}}}}

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

I'm SO sorry the results could NOT have been what you wanted.

It is OK for you to be here. I wish I could reach out to you & give you a HUGE hug. I am SO sorry your H is finding his 'consolation' somewhere else! That's horrible. SO many of us FBW WISH it could be OUR child & have H raise it, your H does NOT realize how lucky he is/was that you were/are sorry & were willing to try & work on your marriage.

If only he could think rationally of ALL the potential he has to help make this situation better for everyone, especially YOUR family together AND dd. Men here have done it!

I am SO very sorry.

I am saying a prayer for you right now. You will be OK. Really.

Tell that nasty SIL to BUTT out of your business & leave your family alone. That's dispicable!

Big big hugs to you. We're here for you.

sincerely,
kt

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know from some of the other posts that BS's think OW do not belong here but if we are reaching out for help and advice and we are remorseful for our actions then it shouldn't matter. As long as we are reaching for the correct support and not support to get the MM back. The child is what's the most important now. Sorry if I offend you for being here I am sorry that you have had to go through and continue to go through what you have. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie, there is a BIG difference in an STOW and a WSOW! you are a married WS that has REMORSE for what you have done! You are NOT an STOW who has NO remorse or anything! BIG difference...KWIM!

You belong here just as much as any other BS, WS or OW who is trying to do the right thing...

I am sorry for your news! We are all here to suport you! {{{HUGS}}}

(((((Grace))))

I'm so sorry you have to be going through all of this. I know it is the worst feeling in the world. Stay strong and focus on your daughter. Youmade some baad choices in the past, but it made you stronger and wiser.

Good Luck

thank you justuss, ktbunch, momto3boys, crazymum~

thank you for making me feel welcome and wanted, which is something i don't have here at home...

h and i just had a big dicussion, i don't know why i cant keep my mouth shut and just listen. evrytime i point fingers, i blame, i cry, i do a ton of love busting. i just cant understand why love just cant overcome all of this.

im just so emotional right now i cant see clear. i see no end, i feel like ive been crying all my life when will it ever stop. and then i take a deep breathe and for a moment it does.

i know that h still cares for me deeply but then a few minutes later he is so hostile. i know ive lied so much that he will never be able to trust me again.

i just want him to love me again, love us.

{{{{{{{{{hugs back at cha}}}}}}}}}}}}}]
sg

Grace

With all the stress of what is going on, then giving birth a short time ago, do you think you are suffering from depression???

Talk with your DR, it might even help if you get some IC.

I just want to take you in my arms and give you a big hug.

If your H and you are really willing to give it a try,it won't be easy, but it can work.

I've had two Oc's from Xmm, H and I are still together.

Hi Sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't think to look for you on this particular board. I've been wondering how you were doing.

And I'm really sorry that the paternity test didn't go the way you had hoped it would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You are stronger than you know. Over the past few months you've dealt with so much adversity. You've taken responsibility for your own mistakes in a way that is RARE in this world. You've steadfastly refused to hide behind excuses and justifications. You've maintained your course in improving yourself; working very hard to be the best person you can be.

Please give yourself some credit for all that. As I've told you before....a person can only do the BEST that they can do. How can anyone do more than that?

Take a little time and remember the person that you were this time last year. Compare her to the woman that you are today. Look at everything you've learned. It's utterly amazing....the things you know now, that you didn't know then.

No matter what happens in your marriage, no one can take this knowledge from you. It will help you in your interactions with every person you ever meet.

There are so many people that can't take a negative life experience, evaluate it, and then carry the lessons that they learned forward into a better life. But you are doing it EVERYDAY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could have wished that you all had waited to do the paternity test until you were out of the woods for possible post-partum depression. I hope you'll monitor closely with your OB, and with your counselor.

And I hope you'll keep posting here and letting your friends at MB continue to support you. They are giving you terrific advice when they tell you to concentrate on working on you, and being the best Mom you can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ultimately, you may not be able to save the marriage. But it will never be from lack of effort on your part, or from willingness to recognise your own mistakes, and to make changes accordingly. That's rare, Sweetie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And who knows? Maybe in time your husband will heal from this hurt and want to continue on. Anything can happen when your attitude is a POSITIVE one.

Enjoy your babies...both of them. And take advantage of every opportunity to smile when you can.

Hang in there kiddo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{savingrace}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I too wish I could just give you a big hug.
I agree with crazymum if you think you and your husband can make it work. This is all a big blow with him too and I'm sure triggers are coming at him left and right. For both of you! Right now you need to take care of you and your kids. I wish I could just take this all away from you and your pain would be gone. Crazy is right too about depression. It's very common after a baby and add everything else. Take care of yourself! {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ladyjane14:
<strong> Hi Sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't think to look for you on this particular board. I've been wondering how you were doing.

And I'm really sorry that the paternity test didn't go the way you had hoped it would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You are stronger than you know. Over the past few months you've dealt with so much adversity. You've taken responsibility for your own mistakes in a way that is RARE in this world. You've steadfastly refused to hide behind excuses and justifications. You've maintained your course in improving yourself; working very hard to be the best person you can be.

Please give yourself some credit for all that. As I've told you before....a person can only do the BEST that they can do. How can anyone do more than that?

Take a little time and remember the person that you were this time last year. Compare her to the woman that you are today. Look at everything you've learned. It's utterly amazing....the things you know now, that you didn't know then.

No matter what happens in your marriage, no one can take this knowledge from you. It will help you in your interactions with every person you ever meet.

There are so many people that can't take a negative life experience, evaluate it, and then carry the lessons that they learned forward into a better life. But you are doing it EVERYDAY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could have wished that you all had waited to do the paternity test until you were out of the woods for possible post-partum depression. I hope you'll monitor closely with your OB, and with your counselor.

And I hope you'll keep posting here and letting your friends at MB continue to support you. They are giving you terrific advice when they tell you to concentrate on working on you, and being the best Mom you can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ultimately, you may not be able to save the marriage. But it will never be from lack of effort on your part, or from willingness to recognise your own mistakes, and to make changes accordingly. That's rare, Sweetie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And who knows? Maybe in time your husband will heal from this hurt and want to continue on. Anything can happen when your attitude is a POSITIVE one.

Enjoy your babies...both of them. And take advantage of every opportunity to smile when you can.

Hang in there kiddo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are some very wise words savinggrace! She is very right too.

wife30, crazymum, ladyjane (i miss u), ktbunh, mom23boys, justuss, needtomoveon~

I feel all your hugs and gather strength from them. I am amazed at how you who have become friends, who are strangers can accept me and my faults as you do.

This morning was probably the worst day between us. He kicked me out 5 times....and then told me to stop because he knows I can't take care of Lindsey.

The trigger (going to the sports show) with my brother and sil. He wanted to take older dd with and I said I should get rest. I just couldnt hold it in anymore. I accused him again of ea/pa with sil. I told him I would show phone records to his family, my family and her family. He got made said I sleep around, kicked me out.

I told him if he wants this divorce then that he has to earn his way out, I won't hand him freedom on a silver platter. He ofcourse said what am I gonna do. I said what do I have to lose everyone knows I had an affair, everyone knows she is not my H's, my life is an open book, he has nothing to hurt me with.

He made me call brother and tell him that he could no longer be a part of his life. My brother chose my H. He said I was barking up the wrong tree accusing him and his wife, he said he knows they talk ALOT. He said he cant talk to him like she can, like a women can. I still feel very violated and untrust worthy. My brother said I dug my own hole, I hung up on him, it was already a very lengthy conversation and no matter what the situation he is my blood, my brother. I would drop everything for him as I believe he should for me. I no longer have a brother. He never called me back. Mind you I have never done anything mean or hurtful, stolen or betrayed my brother. There is no reason why he can help me right now.

I admit I made mistakes but everyday I am changing, what more can I do but remove myself from this earth because of the pain I have. Dont worry I wont, I'm already on meds for depression, Im gonna have my OB up the mg. I also am going to switch therapists. My current therapist is just to invloved like a soap opera, she cried when I told he about opening H's cell bill and found he talks to her 3000 minutes a month. That's just to strange for me. I think this will be a good move because now I just gonna concentrate on me and my past and not the marriage anymore.

You know H still has his wedding ring on. He says he justs wants me to be ok. He wants me to give the girls evrything I didnt have. He said we need to love them both. That's wierd he says that because he said right now he cannot be a father to her, well he said he couldnt say yes or no.

OM hasnt called either, i didnt expect him to. H knows OM will be nothing and do nothing for her.

H said when I read the results and said she wasnt H's that his heart went out to her.

Why cant I have the strength to just move on and let him go? Why do I love him so much now but not enough then? It would be easier if I had anyone to put my head on and lean in and cry.

I dont want to climb into a shell but I feel like I have. Like im staring into space and just waiting. Waiting to breathe, waiting for the numbness and pain to go away.

You are all my SAVING GRACE~I desperately look forward to all of your words and kindness and I thank you for them deeply, so do my children.

{{{{{{{{{{{{MANY MORE HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
SG

You are under an incredible amount of stress right now, Grace. The frustration and sense of panic must be terrible for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's times like these though that you have to rely on the information that you've learned here at MB, so that you don't exacerbate the situation. LB's right now aren't going to help you in ANY way, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is why it's really a great idea to concentrate your efforts on yourself and your children instead of trying to repair the marriage right at this moment.

Give the dust time to settle a bit. The news of your daughter's paternity has upset the status quo of the last few months. Don't let your sense of panic push you into actions. Don't give Panic feet to walk with.

Take a deep breath. Take a warm bath. Take a break. Give yourself an opportunity to get through each panicky moment as it comes.

Sometimes your best bet is to just not make the situation worse. First, do no harm, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Accusing your H of inappropriate behavior with your SIL will not improve your relationship with him right now, it'll only make it worse.

His relationship with her may be inappropriate, but you are unlikely to change his attitude about it at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Time is your friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The more time that passes with your husband still in your home and in your life, the better your chances of reconciliation.

I'm sorry your brother wasn't supportive of you. That's got to hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I think it's fair to say that your brother and his wife are overly invested in your problems. It's not healthy for the extended family dynamic for folks to choose sides like that.

It would have been better if your husband had gone for professional help, but it looks like he's set up a support system with them instead. Does your brother realize that their interference may result in a permanent rift in your family? Would your brother consider going to a counseling session with you to talk about that?

I'm not sure what to say about a counselor that is emotional on your behalf. I'll leave that for more qualified MBer's to comment on.

Have faith that you're going to be okay. I'm not a super-religious person, but even I know that the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes, we just have to have faith that He has a plan for us, and that He wouldn't set a mountain before us that we couldn't climb. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Ladyjane~

I never used to climb mountains, I used to go right through them. This is trul the first one I think i literally have to climb.

I feel everyday I climb some and then fall back even more.

I have been strong and I have been showing H that I am changing but he will always se me as a deceptive, manipulative lier and there is noting that will cahnge that I think.

Why cant they see that the relationship they are having is not right for anyone? My h is over there every weekend and Im not exaggerating. Trust me I dont want to lb at all but it builds up and then explodes.

We decided to do the paternity test for ourselves so that we could deal with it together before anyone else could. I'm glad we did it, we know now and its taken some of the issues upfront now. He does show quite alot of care for us both but no emotion behind it. He says I dont know how many times he's cried in the shower because he didnt know what to do anymore.

He says of all the things that have happened in my life that i needed to stop playing the victim, that I need to stop crying wolf.

I called my brother last night crying, left a message said we havnt talked in a long time, we need to talk. He never called me back.

Before I saw the cell records of H and sil, i wanted sil and brother to be new dd'd godparents. He said that I should have asked them. I said H had reservations, brother didnt know what to say. I may still find the courage to apologize, im not sure. I do think it is a good idea about the ic session though. I dont think he cares though and my H is over there right now he shouldve said she needs you more then anything right now, call her, talk to her help her. I'm crying now.....even my sil she should tell him the same shouldnt she?

babys crying...
sg

It's ok.

You WILL be ok.

You WILL survive this.

you WILL come through this.
************************************
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H & I have said many hurtful things to each other over the years, many times thought D was iminent. Love can get you through it. WHen we ARE actually being loving. Insults are not loving. CAlling names is not loving. Punishing someone is not loving.

Forgiveness is loving. Repentance can be loving.

Your H probably feels VERY justified right now, 'confiding' in SIL. From the outside looking in, it clearly looks inappropriate. There is NOTHING he must discuss w/ her that he can't discuss w/ a MALE.

Besides that though, take a deep breath. Hold your baby as much as possible. THat is one of the main thigns they tell you to do w/ ppd. IT helps & will force you to sit down, relax & take it easy. I had ppd w/ last 2 babies, severly w/ the youngest.

Take it VERY easy on yourself.
*************************************
*************************************
I know it all feels impossible right now. But look @ how many women are here that have been where you are @. And BS who have been where your H is @ & we found forgiveness & love was restored for our spouse. IT was not easy, it was painful @ times. The trust came back, it had to be earned, but it came back.

Is there any way you both can counsel w/ the Harleys?
***********************************
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No matter what, remember that you are not alone & you WILL get through this.

Stay focused. Yes, you did something wrong. But you dont have to beat yourself up over it forever, neither does anyone else.

Make your peace w/ God, accept His forgiveness & move forward. God in His wisdom chose to show you His unconditional love & forgiveness by BLESSING YOU w/ a child. Many BW have tried to understand it. But that is HIS wisdom @ work.

Accept it for what it is. Children are a blessing. You may think you don't deserve ANY blessing, none of us do. That is why it is such a gift from a perfect God.

Enjoy your baby. You are the best mom for her.

More big hugs sweetheart,
kt

ktbunch~

Will we ever get past saying the mean and hurtful things? I believe that love can overcome anything but he doesn't. I have been putting so main coins in his love bank but he doesn't care. Our D is iminent, we go for our pretrial conference on 4/11. I thought I had more time.

I feel this is his way of punishing me. Because him being with my family every weekend hurts more then anything. My brother is all i have here, some family in illinois and canada, my mom lives upnorth. She's an alcholic so i tend to stay away from her, I blame her for alot.

I am trying to forgive myself, and I repent everyday. But i dont think he thinks i deserve forgiveness.

I guess as long as my brother sees it as acceptable then thats fine, I brought to the table everything that need to be said. I feel VERY justified in doing so. What my brother does now is up to him.

I think I have the ability to overcome this depression thing. I love my girls so much that Im starting to realize they are all that matters. As I breathe, and breathe a little deeper each time I become more relaxed.

I know that new dd is a blessing. I became pg for a reason. No matter how she was concieved, she is innocent and deserves so much. I wish that some of my friends and family saw it that way, shun me dont shun her. That makes them just like me.

He doesnt want any type of counseling. He has made his decision to do what is best for older DD. Wants stability that I cant give her.

I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???

SG

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better.
I know what you mean by going through mountains instead of over them. I am strong like bull...

But in my depths of depression, sadness, regret, and thinking "How am I going to get through this?!", I have learned to rely on God. I have never been a real religious person. I grew up in a "holy-roller" family. Pentecostal... So I went the other way and thought I can do this instead of getting on my knees.

So I am not shoving religion on you. Just realize there is a higher power for you to lean on. When I finally said to myself, I cannot do this on my own. I got down on my knees and cried for His help. Only then did could I help myself and my family.

Hugs and prayers,

ent

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Saving Grace:
<strong> ktbunch~ He doesnt want any type of counseling. He has made his decision to do what is best for older DD. Wants stability that I cant give her.

I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???

SG </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does that mean? THat he is taking oldest dd & you are left w/ baby? THat can't be good. Do you agree w/ that?

Why can't YOU give her stability? If you can provide it for baby #2 why not the oldest? I'm confused here.


Can you hang out w/ brother AND H & brother's W? WHy does it only have to be them & him? Why can't you come along?

I'm so sorry. I think HE is in a fog!

I will keep praying for you. Don't lose hope.

THis is NOT the end. You are NOT alone, even though I know it totally feels like it.


cyber hugs & flare prayers for you & your family,
kt

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just have to move out. Cant miss me if im not gone right???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you have to move out? Would that be your decision or his? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I can only tell you what I think based on what you have posted. So here goes....

In the months that I have been reading your posts, he has NEVER backed away from his stance on wanting a divorce. He has often given you the idea that maybe after the divorce, he'd be willing to consider some kind of relationship with you, and at times I think he's led you to believe that there might be some new beginning. Correct me if I'm wrong.

His intention has ALWAYS been clear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That said, the longer that you can remain with him....the more likely your chances that he will indeed observe positive changes in you. The longer you are with him, filling all the EN's you can manage, and refraining from LB's the better the chance that he will consider a continuation of his relationship with you.

I'd like to be able to tell you that he's going to change his mind and not go through with it....but he's never given an indication that he would do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That doesn't have to necessarily be THE END. I have and aunt who divorced and remarried the same man three times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What I'm saying is that ANYTHING could happen in your situation. But when you step away from the MB precepts, you're decreasing your chances of keeping the marriage going. You can't Plan A nearly as well, when you don't have contact with your spouse.

No matter what the outcome, Grace, you just don't have the luxury of falling apart. You've got babies to tend to for one thing. And for another, you can't prove the "stability" that your husband is demanding of you when you've gone all to pieces.

I'm sure you're feeling terribly stressed and uncertain. That's understandable. But NOW is the time to put all the training you've had over the last couple of months to good use. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you're having a hard time with the PPD, call your doctor today. Show what you can do through your actions on addressing problems. Don't wait for others to address them for you. Right now, you can't count on anyone else but YOU.

And don't think for one minute that you are not ENOUGH. You are. You can get through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />