I think I've read every inch of this website but I'm really struggling. My husband said he doesn't love me anymore, but never mentioned an affair even after asked. I discovered it on my own. He had a 7 month affair and says they love each other. We have a 2 year old daughter. Last week he ended contact (or said he did), I'm really struggling though. How can I trust him? I love him and want to find forgiveness but it's hard. And if he is in his withdrawal period, I can accept it but omg how long does it last? I feel like I'm broken too while he is in withdrawl but I can't get any support or anything from him because I don't want to love bust. I just have to shut up and try to be loving even though I'm hurting terribly. My husband said he will try to work it out and we have started counseling but every now and then he says what if I don't get those love feelings back for you? i'm trying hard to meet all his emotional needs so I think it will be hard not to feel love, IF he really stopped contact with his lover. the thing is, I was lied to for 7 months, how can I be sure he is telling the trith now? Of course the other woman lives 4 miles away. I try to keep tabs so I doubt he is seeing her but I have no way to know if they are speaking or texting via phone. I want to trust him but how? And while we are trying to work on things, I promised not to speak of the affair to family/friends just to husband and our counsellor. My husband doesn't want everyone to know, if we work it out he doesn't want it all out there. He likes to keep some private. I know this is selfish in a way but maybe he us ashamed? That's the other thing, I'm not sure he is sorry/ashamed yet. Will he get to that point after withdrawl?

We are married almost 7 years, have 1 child. The lover is married too like over 20 years she has no kids and her husb is millitary-- they are sup getting a divorce....my hunch is that won't happen tho? My husbs lover is more than 15 years older than him.

Hi jaf, I am so sorry you are here. I would let everyone know about the affair. You need your family's support. The more people who know, the more people to support your marriage and the more people to hold him accountable. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and he is a strong advocate of exposure to everyone. This will help your marriage recover.

Secondly, have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband and family? I would do that today. If she has a facebook account, I would look on there and see what you can find. While you are there, copy and paste all her friends into a word doc for safekeeping.

And lastly, I would suggest you snoop on his phone. Install flexispy on his cell, get his phone bill, slap a GPS on his car and put a VAR in his car. You need to step up the plate here and do some serious sleuthing.

Do your husband and this woman work together?

To reiterate what Melody said, your absolutely HAVE to tell this woman's husband about this. Who told you they were getting divorced?

I just reread this part. YOU must be the one to define the conditions of staying in the marriage, NOT the adulterer. He doesn't want you to tell anyone about it because (probably) he is still in the affair and doesn't want any interference. Or, a little less likely, he just doesn't want to have any consequences for his actions.

Right now, I imagine his "trying" is just him seeing who he likes better- you or the OW. You don't want to be the second-choice, and there's no way he'll move off the fence if this OW is still a viable alternative. Having his family know about his affair will ensure that she is not accepted into the group and will keep him accountable. Exposing it will, often, remove the OW from the equation especially if his family (or her's) is all up in your business keeping him on the right path.

If he is/was truly remorseful, then he'd accept others knowing about his actions. He's a big boy and he needs to wear his big-boy pants. It just doesn't sound like he's there, yet.

The woman's husband KNOWS. It's truly a disgusting situation. My Husb actually told me, her husband would tap twice on door to stop them from having sex when he got home. He is millitary, told her to find someone else while he was away.... she found my husb, fell in love, when he got home from his tour she told her husb she loves my husb and they decided to divorce (according to my husb). I've sleuthed. I know where she lives and works, know where her parents live, I looked at all I can see on FB- her friends. I want to expose but I'm afraid he will get so mad at me and stop trying. I found/ read a letter my husb wrote to his lover and never gave her. She broke it off for a few days a few weeks ago and he wrote this LONG letter in response. She is very religious which sickens me cuz I've always asked my husb to go to church and he never would but with her he did. Anyway the letter my husb wrote begged her back.... said that fate brought them together, that they are perfect for each other etc. It said they ere going to get married and were going to do everything (all his hobbies like fishing) together. Ironically the lover has no kids.... and we have a hyper 3 year old. I just feel like he is being immature. I can't do all his hobbies with him, I have a child to take care of. It's not all fun and games here where there's a kid and bills and responsibility. When he sees her he has none of that.

As for exposure- his mom and sister know. And so do my parents but I can't even talk about it.

The OW is almost 50, my husb is 32. I've thought about taking my daughter to her parents house (they are super religious) and exposing their daughter as a home wrecker BUT due to the OW age....her parents are almost 80! Im sure it would devastate them and at their age I'm afraid of doing that. But part of me knows my husb is a dog too.

Confirm this before you believe it. Either it's the dumbest cover story ever or this husband is just, well, different.


I know you're scared that you'll push him (further) away. But, honestly, many of us think that and most waywards threaten leaving if they are exposed. It just becomes a control issue for them, and they get upset if you don't play by their rules and threaten to take away their cake-eating abilities.

So quit playing in his sandbox. You know, deep down, that you have to stand up for your principles here. You have to be the one to say "You cheated on me, I'm the one that gets to call the shots and if you don't want to agree with them then I'm out of here." You are the one that gets to decide under what conditions you'll stay in the marriage.

Exposure will hold him accountable IF he is really wanting to stay in the marriage. If he's wanting out, then it won't matter if you expose or not because the end-result is the same.

This is all very fresh, and you're at great risk of him contacting her again if he is the one guiding the marriage-reconciliation bus. Especially if they're only four miles apart.


My money is on continued contact that is either underground or temporarily halted until the dust settles.

But have you talked with the OWH yourself?

Just because they're old doesn't make them naive. These people probably remember when Hitler was in Germany and have seen a lot of life. They can handle their daughter and may be your best allies here.

I think it's a good idea to visit them, but how old is your daughter?

jaf, one of the reasons your marriage is not recovering is because you are keeping the affair a secret. There is no reason to keep it a secret other than to ENABLE the affair and help the fantasy thrive. Keeping it a secret helps your H maintain his affair with the OW.

We don't care if your H gets mad. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all costs.

Exposure will likely kill this affair for good and effect the recovery of your marriage.

I would expose it TODAY to her husband, her parents and her facebook friends. Call her husband, stop by her parents and send out a letter to all her facebook friends.

Also, tell your own parents and ask them all to have a word with your husband.

This plan of action is the most likely to effect recovery and remove your H's fog.

jafitc, sorry you are here. There will be many pros along later to help you, but I just want to summarize what you've said and try to bring some clarity to it. It helps to split thoughts into separate paragraphs for folks to read.

Your husband had an affair for 7 months. How long have you been married?

You found out about it - how? You said he never told you.

He ended contact last week. You didn't have a part in that process, correct? He is deep in the fog of withdrawal.

You have a two year old.

You aren't sure they are having no contact because the OW lives 4 miles away.

He doesn't want to expose in order to protect his reputation.

That in a nutshell is what I get from your post. Your WH will remain in withdrawal as long as there is contact with the OW. If you don't know for certain that they are not in contact, then they probably are. He cannot have love for you until withdrawal is over and his love bank accepts deposits from you. Right now, it sounds like he is still in contact, even if it is just driving by her house or reminiscing over times they spent together. He has done nothing to put extraordinary precautions in place.

You need to protect yourself, first by requiring information about the whole A. You need to know how they contacted one another, and then seal up those avenues. Snoop privately through email, text messages, phone records, etc. to see if they have gone underground, using pay as you go cellphones, or avenues that you don't have access to, like his work email or phone. If he is truly committed to no contact and staying with you, he will be happy to provide you with all this information, passwords, etc.There is a snooping forum on this website that has great information.

You need to think about moving. If I knew OW was just down the road, I would never recover.

You need to expose. This isn't about protecting his reputation, this is about having people who are supportive of your marriage available to help him tow the line. And these people can be a great influence on him stopping his bad behavior and making good choices. A's thrive on secrecy and in the light of day they are shown for what they really are: dirty, shameful acts of selfishness, not the love affair of the century.

You need to find a support person for you. It won't be your husband right now. I used my best friend as my sounding board to help me see when things were screwy and my judgment was off.

Lastly, have him write a no contact letter approved by you and mailed by you. This ensures that the content is clear in its finality and not a "I can't see you anymore because my wife won't let me" letter. There are templates on this website if you need them. In the book surviving an affair all this information is laid out very plainly. I highly recommend reading it with your WH.

This alone puts the odds on your side.

Seriously, there's such a difference in life-experiences with this age variance that this affair has zero chance of longevity. If you can just accelerate it's demise then you'll be better off. It shouldn't be hard.

Facebook exposure suggestions - change this letter to suit your situation and send this out to all of the OW's facebook friends in a private message. Space your letters out 60 seconds apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

That would be an excellent idea. Drive to her parents home today and tell them about the affair. I am 50 and my mother is 70 and she is very much on top of her game!

You need to put aside the fear for now. You don't have the luxury of catering to your fears when your marriage and your child's family is on the line. You need to MAN UP and fight for your family. Run this skank off for the sake of your child.

The OW is not a co worker.

The OW husb is in afghanistan, so I wouldn't know how to reach him. I haven't spoken to him myself.

We are married almost 7 years. Our daughter is almost 3.

Incidentally husb introduced our daughter to his lover at the park while I was at work one night.

Husb says age means nothing she is a young almost 50 year old. (She had no kids so maybe.)

I would love to move but economically not possible. Houses are just not selling here and we owe too much.

I would confirm this with her parents. What do you see on her facebook page? Is he listed there?

Yes, you can talk about it and should be doing so. Did you PERSONALLY tell his parents and family members? Do they know the full truth and have they tried to persuade him to end his affair?

Husb told his sister and mother. They've both told him not to string me along and that he has to do what he needs to do to be happy but that he can't string me along.

Her husb is not on her FB page, but he was when I first looked! The OW at one point "friended" my husb's sister on FB but now OW unfriended her!

Start over with his sister and mother, then. He probably spun it so bad that they don't know what the truth is. YOU call them both and tell them what's going on here. Unless they're just like that, I cannot imagine his mother and sister just telling him to do whatever he needs to be happy.

A hard lesson to learn, but don't ever ever ever ever EVER believe what a wayward says in regards to their honesty.

The point you need to realize is that waywards lie, jaf. Unless you were sitting right there when your WH told them, the odds are very high that he didn't and he's lying to you. You need to talk to them yourself. (Take your daughter along to meet them.)

So, OW is running around, friending and unfriending people? That makes it clear to me that they very much want to keep this A under wraps, at least for now. That means you still have time to do an effective exposure. I would start with a visit to her parents.

He def told his mom and sis. They are a lil dif but they want him to be happy. His mom divrced his dad and is happily unmarried now. His sis said he deserves happiness but she does want us to work it out. Recently he told her he did cease contact and has a long road in front of him. She wasn't sure if she was convinced....

OK thanks for all this insight. I guess now my question is- I know he contacts her via email and a cell phone. It's a new email he established so I don't have password and it's his work cell so I don't have access to call history etc. If I tell him I want access-- email password, see his cell phone etc.... what would that accomplish? Don't you think he will just make a new email? Or find a prepaid phone?

I would call his sister and mother TODAY and tell them all about the affair. I doubt he told them. He just told you this to keep you quiet. Ask his mother and sister to talk to him.


Find the husband and send him a letter today telling him about the affair. Don't delay.

Did they tell you this? It would be sad if they didn't care about him at all, but it is not uncommon. If they would condone this they don't give a rats [censored] about your H. "We just want him to be happy" = we don't give a rip about him. If they say something so stupid to you, tell them I guess we should be grateful he is not a serial killer, huh?

Expose the affair. If you know he is still in contact I would ask him to make plans to LEAVE. It is up to him to PROVE he has ended his affair and apparently he has not if he is still in contact. You need to DEMAND he end all contact, but first, you need to expose this affair wide and far.

Changing his email and cell phone etc is putting the cart before the horse, jafitc.

You need to kill this A with a nuclear exposure. It doesn't matter if your H told you he exposed himself to some of these folks or if he tells you that OWH knows. You need to trust us when we tell you a) it is a lie that they were even told anything and b) if they were told something about the A, it was probably a lie or whitewashed in some way...

Expose to your family, friends, drive over to OW's parents and hopefully they can give you OWH's contact info. Tell all of these folks you want to save your M and ask them for their help. I would also do what was suggested earlier and open a new FB account and use the letter Melody posted to you earlier and do a FB exposure.

You need to trust us when we tell you your best shot is an effective, strategic exposure...

What do you think?

Diverting away from Plan A, just a bit.

I STRONGLY SUGGEST you seek legal counsel with a family law attorney.
Get a reference from someone you trust.

Do this is so that you are WELL INFORMED of what a separation/divorce would look like IN YOUR STATE.
Find out if you reside in a "no fault" state.

Find out what your rights are. Spousal support. Child support. Custody. And so on ....
Being informed and educated about your rights will help you become stronger.

This is information for YOU to use to help you plan.
This is not information you need to share with your (dumb) WH at this time.
Make NO THREATS once you have the facts.

Let us know what you've learned.

Do this information gathering now, before you desperately need it.

Question:

Are you protected financially?

Question:

How close to your parents/family are you?

I'm very close to my family. I'm just super embarassed by what he did.

You need a support system you can count on.
Embarrassment is easily overcome.
Ask for help/support.

Well said. With a few people in your corner, that embarrassment will quickly turn into indignation and the willpower to no longer take any crud from certain people.

I guess I just blame myself somewhat. I know I drove him to this. I'm not defending him but it is so hard because I love him so much. I have not heard the words i love you from him in so long. He says he just doesnt kno if he can love me again. I didn't meet his emotional needs and he is afraid to get hurt again. I really am keeping tabs though, but can't say if he is talking to her just that he hasnt talked to her in 6 days. He insists they aren't talking though. It's just hard to believe him. He won't let me kiss him on the lips says he is still uncomfortable. I guess I just look at it like I'm the mother to his child and I'm now meeting all his needs..... why won't he try to love me.

His behavior sounds normal for someone that is still in an affair or just got out of one. When OW is out of the picture, you'll then have a chance to do something with this marriage. In the meantime, consider him an alien or someone inhabited by a parasite. It might look like your husband, but it's not.

And try not to let all his talk (fogbabble) get to you. It's all BS (bovine excrement) and it's just that you're being compared to someone else. Simple as that.

And he's not "afraid to get hurt again", jaf, and it's not your fault he had/is having an affair. He owns that one and it's a favorite wayward trick to try to convince the betrayed that they are to blame for their lack of boundaries.

The next time he says he's afraid to be hurt again, ask him what the h he's doing to keep from hurting you!!?!! I guarantee he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't know what he wants in life. Translation: I'd rather cake eat and have both women in my life and don't know how to make that happen without causing myself too much trouble.

Expose this affair of his, put him on notice that it's either her or you but you refuse to be the fallback position. Until he sees that he can/will lose you, and that you're not going to stand for this anymore, I'm afraid you're going to see him waffle back and forth between the two of you.

What you're telling us in the post above sounds, unfortunately, just like someone that is having an affair as we speak. Just don't forget that waywards lie (when he says they aren't talking) and then they lie about lying. If their lips are moving...

Ditto everything that NW said...


Look at it this way: Your H is basically powerless to stop himself at this point. You have been given a great tool (exposure) to help him get out of this mess and perhaps stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

When he comes out of the fog, he will THANK YOU for standing up and fighting for your M.

This is another chestnut from the Wayward-Speak Handbook. I'm trying to figure out how a wayward figures they're the one who 'got hurt'.

They're the one who made the decision to throw away any semblance of morality and then crawled into the gutter with another morals-less creature!

Where was their mouth when they felt their needs weren't being met??

They're afraid they'll get 'hurt again'....grrr....

End rant. Sorry to jump your thread, jaf. I just had to get that out there.

How are you doing on the exposure, have you started yet?
Don't forget to see an attorney and find out if your state is no-fault.
Another thing...don't leave him...if anyone ends up leaving, you stay in the home and protect your rights, keep your child.

my state is no fault.

I think I'm just letting him go today. I'll be letting him go live with her cuz he has nowhere else to stay. I'm sick of begging for love and trying to fix my broken heart. I'm sick of his family not helping at all. I can't even trust they are encouraging him to try to work it out. I'm spent.

Have your bought the MB book??


SURVIVING AN AFFAIR
*** LINK ***

Do you want to save your marriage or not? You are the only one who can make that decision but how we advise you depends on your answer.

Then empower yourself to do something for you: EXPOSE him to everyone you can think of that has an influence over him. You have received this advice for 4 pages but have done nothing with it, except make excuses for his bad behavior and lack of boundaries. I am glad to see that it is getting to you.

But don't give up now when you have options. Give recovery a fighting chance. Stand up to your WH after exposure and say, I will tolerate this no more. You can stay here and work on our marriage or leave and be with her. There can be no in between.

You should not be in the postion of begging for love. This is not your fault and you are worthy of love. He knows this since he asked you to marry him. He is just in the fog. I know from personal experience that even in the fog, my DH understood that I had a backbone and a stubborn streak; I would fight for our marriage but I would not tolerate his vacillation between me and the OW. I have value and I never felt less than the OW. Find that place of self-esteem and remember that you are the one he chose to spend his life with. The more you remember that, the more likely he will too.