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#2506752 05/09/11 08:48 AM
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jafitc Offline OP
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I think I've read every inch of this website but I'm really struggling. My husband said he doesn't love me anymore, but never mentioned an affair even after asked. I discovered it on my own. He had a 7 month affair and says they love each other. We have a 2 year old daughter. Last week he ended contact (or said he did), I'm really struggling though. How can I trust him? I love him and want to find forgiveness but it's hard. And if he is in his withdrawal period, I can accept it but omg how long does it last? I feel like I'm broken too while he is in withdrawl but I can't get any support or anything from him because I don't want to love bust. I just have to shut up and try to be loving even though I'm hurting terribly. My husband said he will try to work it out and we have started counseling but every now and then he says what if I don't get those love feelings back for you? i'm trying hard to meet all his emotional needs so I think it will be hard not to feel love, IF he really stopped contact with his lover. the thing is, I was lied to for 7 months, how can I be sure he is telling the trith now? Of course the other woman lives 4 miles away. I try to keep tabs so I doubt he is seeing her but I have no way to know if they are speaking or texting via phone. I want to trust him but how? And while we are trying to work on things, I promised not to speak of the affair to family/friends just to husband and our counsellor. My husband doesn't want everyone to know, if we work it out he doesn't want it all out there. He likes to keep some private. I know this is selfish in a way but maybe he us ashamed? That's the other thing, I'm not sure he is sorry/ashamed yet. Will he get to that point after withdrawl?

We are married almost 7 years, have 1 child. The lover is married too like over 20 years she has no kids and her husb is millitary-- they are sup getting a divorce....my hunch is that won't happen tho? My husbs lover is more than 15 years older than him. frown

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Hi jaf, I am so sorry you are here. frown I would let everyone know about the affair. You need your family's support. The more people who know, the more people to support your marriage and the more people to hold him accountable. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and he is a strong advocate of exposure to everyone. This will help your marriage recover.

Secondly, have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband and family? I would do that today. If she has a facebook account, I would look on there and see what you can find. While you are there, copy and paste all her friends into a word doc for safekeeping.

And lastly, I would suggest you snoop on his phone. Install flexispy on his cell, get his phone bill, slap a GPS on his car and put a VAR in his car. You need to step up the plate here and do some serious sleuthing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do your husband and this woman work together?

To reiterate what Melody said, your absolutely HAVE to tell this woman's husband about this. Who told you they were getting divorced?


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Originally Posted by jafitc
And while we are trying to work on things, I promised not to speak of the affair to family/friends just to husband and our counsellor. My husband doesn't want everyone to know, if we work it out he doesn't want it all out there. He likes to keep some private. I know this is selfish in a way but maybe he us ashamed? That's the other thing, I'm not sure he is sorry/ashamed yet. Will he get to that point after withdrawl?

I just reread this part. YOU must be the one to define the conditions of staying in the marriage, NOT the adulterer. He doesn't want you to tell anyone about it because (probably) he is still in the affair and doesn't want any interference. Or, a little less likely, he just doesn't want to have any consequences for his actions.

Right now, I imagine his "trying" is just him seeing who he likes better- you or the OW. You don't want to be the second-choice, and there's no way he'll move off the fence if this OW is still a viable alternative. Having his family know about his affair will ensure that she is not accepted into the group and will keep him accountable. Exposing it will, often, remove the OW from the equation especially if his family (or her's) is all up in your business keeping him on the right path.

If he is/was truly remorseful, then he'd accept others knowing about his actions. He's a big boy and he needs to wear his big-boy pants. It just doesn't sound like he's there, yet.





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The woman's husband KNOWS. It's truly a disgusting situation. My Husb actually told me, her husband would tap twice on door to stop them from having sex when he got home. He is millitary, told her to find someone else while he was away.... she found my husb, fell in love, when he got home from his tour she told her husb she loves my husb and they decided to divorce (according to my husb). I've sleuthed. I know where she lives and works, know where her parents live, I looked at all I can see on FB- her friends. I want to expose but I'm afraid he will get so mad at me and stop trying. I found/ read a letter my husb wrote to his lover and never gave her. She broke it off for a few days a few weeks ago and he wrote this LONG letter in response. She is very religious which sickens me cuz I've always asked my husb to go to church and he never would but with her he did. Anyway the letter my husb wrote begged her back.... said that fate brought them together, that they are perfect for each other etc. It said they ere going to get married and were going to do everything (all his hobbies like fishing) together. Ironically the lover has no kids.... and we have a hyper 3 year old. I just feel like he is being immature. I can't do all his hobbies with him, I have a child to take care of. It's not all fun and games here where there's a kid and bills and responsibility. When he sees her he has none of that.

As for exposure- his mom and sister know. And so do my parents but I can't even talk about it.

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The OW is almost 50, my husb is 32. I've thought about taking my daughter to her parents house (they are super religious) and exposing their daughter as a home wrecker BUT due to the OW age....her parents are almost 80! Im sure it would devastate them and at their age I'm afraid of doing that. But part of me knows my husb is a dog too.

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Originally Posted by jafitc
The woman's husband KNOWS. It's truly a disgusting situation. My Husb actually told me, her husband would tap twice on door to stop them from having sex when he got home. He is millitary, told her to find someone else while he was away.... she found my husb, fell in love, when he got home from his tour she told her husb she loves my husb and they decided to divorce (according to my husb).

Confirm this before you believe it. Either it's the dumbest cover story ever or this husband is just, well, different.

Originally Posted by jafitc
I want to expose but I'm afraid he will get so mad at me and stop trying.

I know you're scared that you'll push him (further) away. But, honestly, many of us think that and most waywards threaten leaving if they are exposed. It just becomes a control issue for them, and they get upset if you don't play by their rules and threaten to take away their cake-eating abilities.

So quit playing in his sandbox. You know, deep down, that you have to stand up for your principles here. You have to be the one to say "You cheated on me, I'm the one that gets to call the shots and if you don't want to agree with them then I'm out of here." You are the one that gets to decide under what conditions you'll stay in the marriage.

Exposure will hold him accountable IF he is really wanting to stay in the marriage. If he's wanting out, then it won't matter if you expose or not because the end-result is the same.

This is all very fresh, and you're at great risk of him contacting her again if he is the one guiding the marriage-reconciliation bus. Especially if they're only four miles apart.

Originally Posted by jafitc
Anyway the letter my husb wrote begged her back.... said that fate brought them together, that they are perfect for each other etc. It said they ere going to get married and were going to do everything (all his hobbies like fishing) together.

My money is on continued contact that is either underground or temporarily halted until the dust settles.



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Originally Posted by jafitc
The woman's husband KNOWS. It's truly a disgusting situation. My Husb actually told me, her husband would tap twice on door to stop them from having sex when he got home.

But have you talked with the OWH yourself?


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Originally Posted by jafitc
The OW is almost 50, my husb is 32. I've thought about taking my daughter to her parents house (they are super religious) and exposing their daughter as a home wrecker BUT due to the OW age....her parents are almost 80! Im sure it would devastate them and at their age I'm afraid of doing that. But part of me knows my husb is a dog too.

Just because they're old doesn't make them naive. These people probably remember when Hitler was in Germany and have seen a lot of life. They can handle their daughter and may be your best allies here.

I think it's a good idea to visit them, but how old is your daughter?


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jaf, one of the reasons your marriage is not recovering is because you are keeping the affair a secret. There is no reason to keep it a secret other than to ENABLE the affair and help the fantasy thrive. Keeping it a secret helps your H maintain his affair with the OW.

We don't care if your H gets mad. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all costs.

Exposure will likely kill this affair for good and effect the recovery of your marriage.

I would expose it TODAY to her husband, her parents and her facebook friends. Call her husband, stop by her parents and send out a letter to all her facebook friends.

Also, tell your own parents and ask them all to have a word with your husband.

This plan of action is the most likely to effect recovery and remove your H's fog.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jafitc, sorry you are here. There will be many pros along later to help you, but I just want to summarize what you've said and try to bring some clarity to it. It helps to split thoughts into separate paragraphs for folks to read.

Your husband had an affair for 7 months. How long have you been married?

You found out about it - how? You said he never told you.

He ended contact last week. You didn't have a part in that process, correct? He is deep in the fog of withdrawal.

You have a two year old.

You aren't sure they are having no contact because the OW lives 4 miles away.

He doesn't want to expose in order to protect his reputation.

That in a nutshell is what I get from your post. Your WH will remain in withdrawal as long as there is contact with the OW. If you don't know for certain that they are not in contact, then they probably are. He cannot have love for you until withdrawal is over and his love bank accepts deposits from you. Right now, it sounds like he is still in contact, even if it is just driving by her house or reminiscing over times they spent together. He has done nothing to put extraordinary precautions in place.

You need to protect yourself, first by requiring information about the whole A. You need to know how they contacted one another, and then seal up those avenues. Snoop privately through email, text messages, phone records, etc. to see if they have gone underground, using pay as you go cellphones, or avenues that you don't have access to, like his work email or phone. If he is truly committed to no contact and staying with you, he will be happy to provide you with all this information, passwords, etc.There is a snooping forum on this website that has great information.

You need to think about moving. If I knew OW was just down the road, I would never recover.

You need to expose. This isn't about protecting his reputation, this is about having people who are supportive of your marriage available to help him tow the line. And these people can be a great influence on him stopping his bad behavior and making good choices. A's thrive on secrecy and in the light of day they are shown for what they really are: dirty, shameful acts of selfishness, not the love affair of the century.

You need to find a support person for you. It won't be your husband right now. I used my best friend as my sounding board to help me see when things were screwy and my judgment was off.

Lastly, have him write a no contact letter approved by you and mailed by you. This ensures that the content is clear in its finality and not a "I can't see you anymore because my wife won't let me" letter. There are templates on this website if you need them. In the book surviving an affair all this information is laid out very plainly. I highly recommend reading it with your WH.




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Originally Posted by jafitc
The OW is almost 50, my husb is 32.

This alone puts the odds on your side.

Seriously, there's such a difference in life-experiences with this age variance that this affair has zero chance of longevity. If you can just accelerate it's demise then you'll be better off. It shouldn't be hard.


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Facebook exposure suggestions - change this letter to suit your situation and send this out to all of the OW's facebook friends in a private message. Space your letters out 60 seconds apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jafitc
The OW is almost 50, my husb is 32. I've thought about taking my daughter to her parents house (they are super religious) and exposing their daughter as a home wrecker BUT due to the OW age....her parents are almost 80! Im sure it would devastate them and at their age I'm afraid of doing that. But part of me knows my husb is a dog too.

That would be an excellent idea. Drive to her parents home today and tell them about the affair. I am 50 and my mother is 70 and she is very much on top of her game!

You need to put aside the fear for now. You don't have the luxury of catering to your fears when your marriage and your child's family is on the line. You need to MAN UP and fight for your family. Run this skank off for the sake of your child.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The OW is not a co worker.

The OW husb is in afghanistan, so I wouldn't know how to reach him. I haven't spoken to him myself.

We are married almost 7 years. Our daughter is almost 3.

Incidentally husb introduced our daughter to his lover at the park while I was at work one night.

Husb says age means nothing she is a young almost 50 year old. (She had no kids so maybe.)

I would love to move but economically not possible. Houses are just not selling here and we owe too much.

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Originally Posted by jafitc
The OW is not a co worker.

The OW husb is in afghanistan, so I wouldn't know how to reach him. I haven't spoken to him myself.

I would confirm this with her parents. What do you see on her facebook page? Is he listed there?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jafitc
As for exposure- his mom and sister know. And so do my parents but I can't even talk about it.

Yes, you can talk about it and should be doing so. Did you PERSONALLY tell his parents and family members? Do they know the full truth and have they tried to persuade him to end his affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Husb told his sister and mother. They've both told him not to string me along and that he has to do what he needs to do to be happy but that he can't string me along.

Her husb is not on her FB page, but he was when I first looked! The OW at one point "friended" my husb's sister on FB but now OW unfriended her!

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Originally Posted by jafitc
Husb told his sister and mother. They've both told him not to string me along and that he has to do what he needs to do to be happy but that he can't string me along.

Her husb is not on her FB page, but he was when I first looked! The OW at one point "friended" my husb's sister on FB but now OW unfriended her!

Start over with his sister and mother, then. He probably spun it so bad that they don't know what the truth is. YOU call them both and tell them what's going on here. Unless they're just like that, I cannot imagine his mother and sister just telling him to do whatever he needs to be happy.

A hard lesson to learn, but don't ever ever ever ever EVER believe what a wayward says in regards to their honesty.


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Originally Posted by jafitc
Husb told his sister and mother. They've both told him not to string me along and that he has to do what he needs to do to be happy but that he can't string me along.

Her husb is not on her FB page, but he was when I first looked! The OW at one point "friended" my husb's sister on FB but now OW unfriended her!
The point you need to realize is that waywards lie, jaf. Unless you were sitting right there when your WH told them, the odds are very high that he didn't and he's lying to you. You need to talk to them yourself. (Take your daughter along to meet them.)

So, OW is running around, friending and unfriending people? That makes it clear to me that they very much want to keep this A under wraps, at least for now. That means you still have time to do an effective exposure. I would start with a visit to her parents.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/09/11 09:52 AM.

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