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jafitc Offline OP
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He def told his mom and sis. They are a lil dif but they want him to be happy. His mom divrced his dad and is happily unmarried now. His sis said he deserves happiness but she does want us to work it out. Recently he told her he did cease contact and has a long road in front of him. She wasn't sure if she was convinced....

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jafitc Offline OP
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OK thanks for all this insight. I guess now my question is- I know he contacts her via email and a cell phone. It's a new email he established so I don't have password and it's his work cell so I don't have access to call history etc. If I tell him I want access-- email password, see his cell phone etc.... what would that accomplish? Don't you think he will just make a new email? Or find a prepaid phone?

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Originally Posted by jafitc
Husb told his sister and mother. They've both told him not to string me along and that he has to do what he needs to do to be happy but that he can't string me along.

I would call his sister and mother TODAY and tell them all about the affair. I doubt he told them. He just told you this to keep you quiet. Ask his mother and sister to talk to him.

Quote
Her husb is not on her FB page, but he was when I first looked! The OW at one point "friended" my husb's sister on FB but now OW unfriended her!

Find the husband and send him a letter today telling him about the affair. Don't delay.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jafitc
He def told his mom and sis. They are a lil dif but they want him to be happy.

Did they tell you this? It would be sad if they didn't care about him at all, but it is not uncommon. If they would condone this they don't give a rats [censored] about your H. "We just want him to be happy" = we don't give a rip about him. If they say something so stupid to you, tell them I guess we should be grateful he is not a serial killer, huh?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jafitc
OK thanks for all this insight. I guess now my question is- I know he contacts her via email and a cell phone. It's a new email he established so I don't have password and it's his work cell so I don't have access to call history etc. If I tell him I want access-- email password, see his cell phone etc.... what would that accomplish? Don't you think he will just make a new email? Or find a prepaid phone?

Expose the affair. If you know he is still in contact I would ask him to make plans to LEAVE. It is up to him to PROVE he has ended his affair and apparently he has not if he is still in contact. You need to DEMAND he end all contact, but first, you need to expose this affair wide and far.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Changing his email and cell phone etc is putting the cart before the horse, jafitc.

You need to kill this A with a nuclear exposure. It doesn't matter if your H told you he exposed himself to some of these folks or if he tells you that OWH knows. You need to trust us when we tell you a) it is a lie that they were even told anything and b) if they were told something about the A, it was probably a lie or whitewashed in some way...

Expose to your family, friends, drive over to OW's parents and hopefully they can give you OWH's contact info. Tell all of these folks you want to save your M and ask them for their help. I would also do what was suggested earlier and open a new FB account and use the letter Melody posted to you earlier and do a FB exposure.

You need to trust us when we tell you your best shot is an effective, strategic exposure...

What do you think?

Last edited by SusieQ; 05/09/11 10:41 AM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by jafitc
We are married almost 7 years. Our daughter is almost 3.

Diverting away from Plan A, just a bit.

I STRONGLY SUGGEST
you seek legal counsel with a family law attorney.
Get a reference from someone you trust.

Do this is so that you are WELL INFORMED of what a separation/divorce would look like IN YOUR STATE.
Find out if you reside in a "no fault" state.

Find out what your rights are. Spousal support. Child support. Custody. And so on ....
Being informed and educated about your rights will help you become stronger.

This is information for YOU to use to help you plan.
This is not information you need to share with your (dumb) WH at this time.
Make NO THREATS once you have the facts.

Let us know what you've learned.

Do this information gathering now, before you desperately need it.

Question:

Are you protected financially?

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Question:

How close to your parents/family are you?

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jafitc Offline OP
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I'm very close to my family. I'm just super embarassed by what he did.

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Originally Posted by jafitc
I'm very close to my family. I'm just super embarassed by what he did.

You need a support system you can count on.
Embarrassment is easily overcome.
Ask for help/support.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
You need a support system you can count on.
Embarrassment is easily overcome.
Ask for help/support.

Well said. With a few people in your corner, that embarrassment will quickly turn into indignation and the willpower to no longer take any crud from certain people.


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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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I guess I just blame myself somewhat. I know I drove him to this. I'm not defending him but it is so hard because I love him so much. I have not heard the words i love you from him in so long. He says he just doesnt kno if he can love me again. I didn't meet his emotional needs and he is afraid to get hurt again. I really am keeping tabs though, but can't say if he is talking to her just that he hasnt talked to her in 6 days. He insists they aren't talking though. It's just hard to believe him. He won't let me kiss him on the lips says he is still uncomfortable. I guess I just look at it like I'm the mother to his child and I'm now meeting all his needs..... why won't he try to love me.

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His behavior sounds normal for someone that is still in an affair or just got out of one. When OW is out of the picture, you'll then have a chance to do something with this marriage. In the meantime, consider him an alien or someone inhabited by a parasite. It might look like your husband, but it's not.

And try not to let all his talk (fogbabble) get to you. It's all BS (bovine excrement) and it's just that you're being compared to someone else. Simple as that.

And he's not "afraid to get hurt again", jaf, and it's not your fault he had/is having an affair. He owns that one and it's a favorite wayward trick to try to convince the betrayed that they are to blame for their lack of boundaries.

The next time he says he's afraid to be hurt again, ask him what the h he's doing to keep from hurting you!!?!! I guarantee he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't know what he wants in life. Translation: I'd rather cake eat and have both women in my life and don't know how to make that happen without causing myself too much trouble.

Expose this affair of his, put him on notice that it's either her or you but you refuse to be the fallback position. Until he sees that he can/will lose you, and that you're not going to stand for this anymore, I'm afraid you're going to see him waffle back and forth between the two of you.

What you're telling us in the post above sounds, unfortunately, just like someone that is having an affair as we speak. Just don't forget that waywards lie (when he says they aren't talking) and then they lie about lying. If their lips are moving...


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Ditto everything that NW said...


Originally Posted by jafitc
I guess I just blame myself somewhat. I know I drove him to this.
Look at it this way: Your H is basically powerless to stop himself at this point. You have been given a great tool (exposure) to help him get out of this mess and perhaps stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

When he comes out of the fog, he will THANK YOU for standing up and fighting for your M.


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Quote
I didn't meet his emotional needs and he is afraid to get hurt again.
This is another chestnut from the Wayward-Speak Handbook. I'm trying to figure out how a wayward figures they're the one who 'got hurt'.

They're the one who made the decision to throw away any semblance of morality and then crawled into the gutter with another morals-less creature!

Where was their mouth when they felt their needs weren't being met??

They're afraid they'll get 'hurt again'....grrr.... mad

End rant. Sorry to jump your thread, jaf. I just had to get that out there.


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How are you doing on the exposure, have you started yet?
Don't forget to see an attorney and find out if your state is no-fault.
Another thing...don't leave him...if anyone ends up leaving, you stay in the home and protect your rights, keep your child.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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my state is no fault.

I think I'm just letting him go today. I'll be letting him go live with her cuz he has nowhere else to stay. I'm sick of begging for love and trying to fix my broken heart. I'm sick of his family not helping at all. I can't even trust they are encouraging him to try to work it out. I'm spent.

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Have your bought the MB book??


SURVIVING AN AFFAIR
*** LINK ***


Last edited by Pepperband; 05/11/11 11:50 AM.
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Do you want to save your marriage or not? You are the only one who can make that decision but how we advise you depends on your answer.


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Then empower yourself to do something for you: EXPOSE him to everyone you can think of that has an influence over him. You have received this advice for 4 pages but have done nothing with it, except make excuses for his bad behavior and lack of boundaries. I am glad to see that it is getting to you.

But don't give up now when you have options. Give recovery a fighting chance. Stand up to your WH after exposure and say, I will tolerate this no more. You can stay here and work on our marriage or leave and be with her. There can be no in between.

You should not be in the postion of begging for love. This is not your fault and you are worthy of love. He knows this since he asked you to marry him. He is just in the fog. I know from personal experience that even in the fog, my DH understood that I had a backbone and a stubborn streak; I would fight for our marriage but I would not tolerate his vacillation between me and the OW. I have value and I never felt less than the OW. Find that place of self-esteem and remember that you are the one he chose to spend his life with. The more you remember that, the more likely he will too.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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