Please someone help me!

I have taken the advice of exposure, and it seems like I might be in big trouble now. Please see my other post - "Three affairs? Is it time to quit?"

I'm sorry to start a new thread, but after exposing the OM of the affair, he has written back with threats. I need to know what to do NOW.

In summary, I went to his facebook and saved all his contact, and then wrote this to each of them:

Dear friend/family of xxx xxx:
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe you should know the kind of person he really is. xxx has been having an affair with my wife. If you have any influence on xxx, please do what you can to get him to stop. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I also hope that knowing this will help you to protect yourself and/or your significant other from him.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

Thank you, xxx

-----
Then this is the e-mail that I sent to him:

Hey XXX,
I have reason to believe that you are still contacting my wife. This is my last warning.

Cut all contact with her. Phone, e-mail, chat, everything. Cut all contact or I will expose you.

You don't think I know where you work? XXX. I will expose you to all your supervisors and colleagues for what you are doing. You don't think I have any connections? I'm clinical faculty and assistant director to one of the UH medical school divisions. I will find a way to end your career.

You don't think I know your friends? You have 262 'friends and family' on facebook. Don't bother blocking me, I have all their contacts stored on my computer. I will contact every single one of them, and I will tell them what has happened. You can go ahead and explain yourself to them however you want. I will find a way to ruin your social life.

You don't think I know your family? I found a several 'family' of yours on the internet, with phone numbers. I will call them and tell them that you are a marriage wrecker. I will ruin your family life.

Do not contact my wife again. You don't think I will find out? I will. And I don't care if she contacts you or you contact her. If I find anything still going on between the two of you, I will expose you and ruin your entire life.

This is your last warning.

-------------
This is the response I got:

Mr. xxx,
You have threatened me with libel, slander, invasion of privacy, and possibly even implied physical harm on two separate occasions in the form of electronic communication using your University of xxx e-mail account.

In addition, you have already violated the University of xxx�s Executive Policy E2.210 (Use and Management of Information Technology Resources � III. Responsible Use), as well as �708 (Unauthorized computer access in the first degree - class B felony) of the xxx Computer Crime Statute.

If you pursue or attempt to pursue any of the threats that you have levied against me, I will go to the police, the medical board, and the university. I will get a restraining order against you. I will bring criminal and civil charges of stalking, libel, slander, harassment, and invasion of privacy against you (several of which are considered felonies by the State of xxx). I will not rest until I see you convicted of every crime of which you are guilty.

I have spoken extensively with my lawyer regarding this manner. If you choose to act without discretion and without regard for my privacy, the next communication you receive will be from him.

-------

I have never threatened harm specifically, unless you consider an earlier e-mail I told him that I would 'go after him'. I have not contacted his work or family (by phone) yet. Just the facebook. I messaged his facebook friends, family, and workplace the message above.

I am a physician, and I'm not willing to risk my carreer over this type of thing.

I understand that libel (written) and slander (verbal) means saying false things, and I realize that he does not has a case on that. But he says I am harassing him, invading his privacy, and misused the university e-mail, which I am not sure if he might be right. I don't care if he issues a restraining order, I have no intention of meeting him anyways.

----Please advise me. Also, please do not give non-specific information if you are not 100% sure, such as "I don't think that constitutes as harrassment or invasion of privacy." I need to get some specific recommendations that is in accordance with the law. Thank you.

Stop saying stuff like that!!! There is no libel or slander for telling the truth but your execution was/is horrible. OM is likely just trying to get you to shut up but you should look at how you are wording your emails because on the off chance he does want to slap you back, you are making it easy for him.

This kind of idiotic response is par for the course. Waywards go ballistic in exposure and say lots of ridiculous things. When people are having an angry outburst, they are insane.

Let it roll off until you hear something from a lawyer. Which you won't, because waywards do not want the attention. What they want is to puff up with false bravado and scare you off.

There's no way you are in violation of computer crime statutes for sending email or facebook messages, unless you were using state computers to do it.

If you do get a restraining order against you, that would be GREAT, because then the judge would probably be willing to grant a reciprocal restraining order keeping the OP away from you and your family! That would be ideal. A restraining order doesn't have legal consequences other than "stay away from this person," which is what you want, anyway.

I need to get some specific recommendations that is in accordance with the law.

You want 100% reliable legal advice in your (secret) jurisdiction about (somewhat unrevealed) communication made on a computer attached to your employer, possibly violating employment terms (which we do not have access to)? REALLY??

Hire a lawyer, amigo.

You are not supposed to threaten to expose. You are supposed to expose.

Threatening to expose is a big mistake, and it is not Marriage Builders advice.

Please don't do it. The plans don't tend to work as well when you don't follow directions.

Exposure is supposed to take the form of a sudden tsunami of truth.

By warning ahead of time, you take all the "sudden" and all the "tsunami" out of it.

Now he knows it's coming, so it won't be a shock.

Now he's had time to get a lawyer, and make a plan.

Now he has time to go tell people about his friend's crazy husband, who doesn't even know his marriage is over, yada, yada, yada... He can spin the story to his benefit.

Dude, right is on your side! As black_raven said, there is no slander or libel for telling the truth. Don't they teach the case of John Peter Zenger in schools any more?

I agree about getting an attorney since he used the university's computer system to threaten and expose. Exposure in and of itself is not illegal or actionable unless you threaten someone (i.e., your earlier email telling him you would "go after" him.) He could interpret that to mean physical violence.

JAH, why did you send OM more than one email? You don't threaten exposure, you just do it. I'm afraid you may have overstepped in the way you handled this. Normally, the person you are exposing wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on. That may not be the case here.

Get an attorney to CYA.

I don't think an attorney is necessary at this point. OM is likely just ticked and full of it. If something happens, then you may have to but I wouldn't worry about it yet. Just stop "warning" people.

JAH:
Just a point of view for you...
Just go ahead and expose. No University or hospital will support his behavior or allow him to force your being disciplined as he has "puffed." If that is his best punch, then you have nothing to worry about.
Take if from me, someone who was afraid to expose, who nearly did himself in after his WW's response to his exposure (she frightened me to death / threatened me to death), and who was afraid for months to expose....
Exposure is your best route.
BTW, I spent more than a little time as a University Hospital Administrator in the northeast.
Nobody ever regretted doing the right thing my friend.
Just go to the Public library and use a computer there.
Listen to the vets here. Just expose.
Do it and stand tall.
Blessings, I understand your torment first hand.

Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 58
WW 51
Hers: DS 24 DS 19
Mine: DD 30 DS 29, DS 24
Ours: DS 12

Exposure didn't turn things around in our marriage, but it sure did end the A. Limping along with a WW who still won't tell the truth about what happened but hey, we are still married and who knows....

Let me specify a few things . . .

I had ONE e-mail prior to exposure, telling him to back off. It was BEFORE I had time to read everything on MarriageBuilders, and I had a suspicion only. I did the full exposure thing only after reading the 'exposure 101'. I know I handled some of this exposure thing wrong, but I found out details on how to properly do it afterwards.

I did NOT use a public computer or university computer to send these things out. Only my home computer. However, I forgot that is is a gmail.[universityname].com e-mail account.

There are some suggestions here to hire a lawyer, some saying no need to. I have a few lawyer friends I am contacting now for some general advice, and I'll hire a real lawyer only if I need to.

Please keep the advice coming, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure if this exposure thing was the right thing to do anymore.

I'm not sure if this exposure thing was the right thing to do anymore.

Clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive exposure IS the right thing to do.

Your version - tentative, marginally threatening, and compromised by your reliance on University networks - not so much!

jah, we are not attorneys, of course, so we can't possibly counsel you about the laws in your state, but I will just tell you that many, many waywards threaten lawsuits over exposure. This is just your typical wayward huffing and puffing to try to scare you.

I have seen hundreds of these threats over the years and have yet to see one single one that actually brought a suit. We think it is sort of funny because they have more to lose than the exposing person! The truth is a defense to libel and slander, however, if a suit were brought, the infidel would have to turn over his cell phone and email records, and have his affair dragged through the public arena. So it is in his interest to NOT bring a cause of action.

I would just ignore him. You should be fine as long as you didn't use your company's computer.

He had an affair with your wife and you are "invading his privacy?!"" Does that mean he wants the privacy to carry on an affair with your wife??

Let me specify, I used my HOME computer. The e-mail was a g-mail account associated with the university. I didn't do ANYTHING at work.

Okay, I already am contacting some of my lawyer friends for general advice. Any other general advice you have would be helpful.

Oh, one more thing . . . please everyone forget my last line of 'I need some specific advice in accordance to the law'. I am already contacting friends (lawyers) that can help me specifically with the law. So any advice is welcome.

The skank in my sitch threatened legal action against me. Needless to say, it never happened.

A lot of BS's panic after exposure, worried that they shouldn't have done it, when the repercussions first start. Just know what you're going through is natural and that it IS the right thing to do! Don't be ruled by your fear and you'll be fine!

I was threatened also...POSOW didn't do anything except threaten.

O yeah, I was threatened by all 3 OW's!

Blabla LAW blablabla LIBEL blablabla SLANDER blablabla HARRASMENT.

Intimidation tactics to scare you of and to really show their true colors. Bummer, such trash i would never want in my life.

We're now about a year later and 1 affair partner still regularly tries to sent the sherrif's after me. They call, we chat, they're used to it by now, just shows how incredibly mentally unstable people are who need to be in affairs.

Stay cool, decisive, don't let them scare you and intimidate you.

If you got your information from public sources you are all right.

And I just kept the image infront of me

OW: MFJ is slandering, harrasing etc me
Judge: why would she say these things
OW: well,

I'm not sure if your university policy is not to sent personal emails, that I don't know.

But don't sent him anymore emails, and a mutual restraining order would be great, him against your family, including wife, that would be awesome!

I was threatened also (i live in canada) when i exposed my wifes mother's affair on facebook (no warning i just did it to help my wifes moms husband) on her public wall .. her OM threatend libel on me and told me he was going to take legal action against me because the exposure hurt his business and he lost clients to his mechanics shop and alot of revenue. (they lived in a small town and most of his work came from their church members)

Needless to say nothing ever came of it other than I never hear from them anymore and the OM now lives with my wifes mother and has no work due to my exposure and they told me they will never talk to me again unless i appologize for what I did and repent of my sin agasint them. I just laughed .... MY SIN?? ... lol ..

I will go over to your thread, but you need to realize, that any person who is in 3 affairs at the same time at best has emotional problems, but much more likely has severe personality disorders. I'm glad I'm out, that is for sure.

Hah! I actually laughed out loud, literally. Your sin???

I have contacted two separate lawyers, both said that nothing that he is threatening would hold up in court. They both feel he is just blowing smoke.

However, they also recommended that I stop with any more 'exposure', stop contacting him (OM), and that if I continued, it could be considered harassment. I guess that's the end of that.

jah:
Most lawyers when asked will give you two answers....
ONE answer is the squeaky clean recommendation. The second answer is what you can do but they won't exactly recommend.
It is just like speeding on a highway. If you want a lawer to defend you from a ticket, don't admit to him or her that you were speeding!
Please know that people here so care about you because they know the pain and the situation you are in...
Your lawyer friends do not.
Your marriage is the most precious thing that you have. Defend it. Years from now, whatever happens in your circumstance, you will always, always be able to say you did what you did because you were willing to do anything to save your marriage. Trust me and everyone else here... That is not a bad legacy.
Lawyers don't save marriages, they end them.
People here save marriages.
Think about this, please jah. I am a perfect stranger to you. But I know exactly whay you are going through. I have gone through it. Twice in my life, 20 years apart. I tried it your current way the first time back in 1990. I was divorced in 1992. I tried it (reluctantly and fearfully and eventually here in 2010). Two years later I am still married. I know first hand and so do hundreds of posters on this board and thousands of Dr. Harley's clients.
Dr. Harley's concepts have been researched in double blind studies over 20+ years.... The results of the treatment of an Affair we are recommending to you are predictable, reliable and frankly, they are your only chance of saving your marriage.
Lawyers will tell you to order the CT on your pediatric patient when you know the rad exposure has the potential to damage forever the mental potential of your patient. Its a judgement call that you would not leave up to a lawyer... this situation is just the same thing.
Your lawyer cannot mend your marriage.
Please, I care about you because I was reluctant to expose for months and vets like Melody Lane believed in me and never gave up telling me the hard truth that I needed to hear.
jah... you are not doing this to hurt the OM. you are doing exposure to save your marriage.
Isn't it worth it to you?

Blessings jah. We all understand your confusion and your pain and fear.

Hurting Turkey

Me: BS 58
SHE: WW 51
Hers: DS's: 24, 19
Mine: DD:30, DS's 29, 24
Ours: DS: 12
D Day: April 26, 2009, Oct. 15, 2009 and
our Aniversary Jan 31, 2010
Exposure: February 22, 2010

Still married. A's overwith. WW still won't tell the truth but then again, we are still married.

jah, hurtingturkey is correct, any attorney is going to advise you against exposure because their goal is to avoid trouble at all cost rather than save your marriage. Even so, I agree you have done enough with this OM.

Have you exposed to your wife's family?

Hurting Turkey - Thank you so much for that response . . . It means a whole lot to hear support from you. Yes, you are a stranger, but I feel that this whole forum is filled with strangers just trying to help other strangers get through the 'most painful experience anyone can experience'. And the only reason everyone is here is to help each other out.

I feel I do not need to send out any more private messages to OM's facebook contacts. I already sent it out to over 40 of his contacts - I targeted his family, his workmates, and those at the school where he teaches. Yes, he has another 260+ contacts, but most of those are across in other states; probably just acquaintances. The two lawyers I spoke to (who are also close, personal friends) are not quite advising me only as lawyers, but as friends. They both actually said that what I am doing is the right thing, but they felt that sending it to 40 of the people closest to him is enough to end the affair; sending it out to 260 more might put him over the edge and try even more desperate things. In addition, he has shut down his facebook page completely, and so even though I have his contacts stored on my computer still, it is no longer public access.

MelodyLane - Yes, I have exposed my wife's family, but a fair amount of them actually already knew. They told me that my wife has already been telling them about what she was doing, and she wanted advice, and she was already using them as support. Of course, her whole family advised her to stop her affair and come back to me.

As for my wife's friends, I have exposed the affair to them also. My wife was furious of course at first, furious that I exposed the OM (she kept telling me, 'why did you do this? Why didn't you just leave him out of this?'), and she kept saying 'how can she face any of her friends again?'. She kept saying I was doing this out of revenge. I told her I am doing this just to save the marriage; I came up with a list of conditions (suggested by Marriage Builders), and told her that this is what I expect if we are to work on our marriage. Otherwise, we can just have a divorce.

I guess the marriage still means something to her, because after thinking it over for a day, the next day she said she wanted to work on our marriage. I am not sure how strong this statement is, because obviously she is still in a highly emotional state, but it brings a little hope for me. I am of course still very cautious and realize it will be a long, tough road to come, and that it may still never work out. But a little hope feels like I am able to take small breath, when I felt like I was literally drowning all these months.

This suggestion was given to me. Find out all you can on surviving an affair. There is a book you can order off this site. I've been in your shoes...I'm not in a place to give advice but the book has helpful information on what your spouse will go through after the affairs end. (Its helpful to know what to expect).

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html

NG, I have read your story; your story is as far from clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive as you can get. You were so out of your mind in your story - strike your wife, murder the OM's son - I would have expected that you would be a little more understanding of what I did.

Of all the help I have gotten here so far, yours has been the only one absolutely unhelpful and simply criticizing. I only hope you are not giving this type of advice to other people on this forum.

While waiting for your SAA book read all the articles in this.
How To Survive Infidelity

Phoenix20 - Thanks. I actually did get that book from Goodwill; they are shipping it over now. I also got the whole series of books - His Needs Her needs, Love Busters, Five Steps to Romantic Love (workbook), Fall in Love Stay in Love.

Before they come in, does anyone have advice on which book to read first? Which ones should my wife and I read together? How should I incorporate the website?

Also you're in Plan A, correct?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

SAA is what you want to start with when the books arrive.

Thank you so much! With 50,000+ 'topics', that's the one I was looking for. Very helpful.

Not all posters will sit here holding your hand guiding you with every single step along the way.

Of those i found to be the most antagonistic, offensive, unhelpful and in generally totally PO'd me in the beginning can actually be one of your biggest supporters at the other end.

Do not discount them just because you think they are unhelpful now. Everyone has their own style.

JMHO

Hey Doc,

Im going to read your first thread in its entirety later, but youre married only 3 years and she's had 3 affairs?

What is the matter with you, dude?

Kudos on a superb exposure however, to what end?

Im sure she's dynamite with intelligence and looks but, man, she's about as trustworthy as a crackhead.

Ill go read your first thread to see if Im missing something here.

Good luck with all that.

Some good clips on Plan A for BH.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

Tell me what you think.

Another good clip on serial cheaters.
Radio clip on serial cheaters

+1 Took the words right out of my mouth.

I say that if you have no kids with this woman then you should run as far as you can and get her out of your life before you face a divorce with kids in the picture.

I say that as a man who was terrified of divorce and it is the best thing that ever happened. My ex did me a favor and gave me my life back by leaving. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman I met years later.

You're living a nightmare.