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I will go over to your thread, but you need to realize, that any person who is in 3 affairs at the same time at best has emotional problems, but much more likely has severe personality disorders. I'm glad I'm out, that is for sure.


Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr

A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow

Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Hah! I actually laughed out loud, literally. Your sin???


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
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I have contacted two separate lawyers, both said that nothing that he is threatening would hold up in court. They both feel he is just blowing smoke.

However, they also recommended that I stop with any more 'exposure', stop contacting him (OM), and that if I continued, it could be considered harassment. I guess that's the end of that.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
Joined: Dec 2009
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jah:
Most lawyers when asked will give you two answers....
ONE answer is the squeaky clean recommendation. The second answer is what you can do but they won't exactly recommend.
It is just like speeding on a highway. If you want a lawer to defend you from a ticket, don't admit to him or her that you were speeding!
Please know that people here so care about you because they know the pain and the situation you are in...
Your lawyer friends do not.
Your marriage is the most precious thing that you have. Defend it. Years from now, whatever happens in your circumstance, you will always, always be able to say you did what you did because you were willing to do anything to save your marriage. Trust me and everyone else here... That is not a bad legacy.
Lawyers don't save marriages, they end them.
People here save marriages.
Think about this, please jah. I am a perfect stranger to you. But I know exactly whay you are going through. I have gone through it. Twice in my life, 20 years apart. I tried it your current way the first time back in 1990. I was divorced in 1992. I tried it (reluctantly and fearfully and eventually here in 2010). Two years later I am still married. I know first hand and so do hundreds of posters on this board and thousands of Dr. Harley's clients.
Dr. Harley's concepts have been researched in double blind studies over 20+ years.... The results of the treatment of an Affair we are recommending to you are predictable, reliable and frankly, they are your only chance of saving your marriage.
Lawyers will tell you to order the CT on your pediatric patient when you know the rad exposure has the potential to damage forever the mental potential of your patient. Its a judgement call that you would not leave up to a lawyer... this situation is just the same thing.
Your lawyer cannot mend your marriage.
Please, I care about you because I was reluctant to expose for months and vets like Melody Lane believed in me and never gave up telling me the hard truth that I needed to hear.
jah... you are not doing this to hurt the OM. you are doing exposure to save your marriage.
Isn't it worth it to you?

Blessings jah. We all understand your confusion and your pain and fear.

Hurting Turkey

Me: BS 58
SHE: WW 51
Hers: DS's: 24, 19
Mine: DD:30, DS's 29, 24
Ours: DS: 12
D Day: April 26, 2009, Oct. 15, 2009 and
our Aniversary Jan 31, 2010
Exposure: February 22, 2010

Still married. A's overwith. WW still won't tell the truth but then again, we are still married.

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jah, hurtingturkey is correct, any attorney is going to advise you against exposure because their goal is to avoid trouble at all cost rather than save your marriage. Even so, I agree you have done enough with this OM.

Have you exposed to your wife's family?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hurting Turkey - Thank you so much for that response . . . It means a whole lot to hear support from you. Yes, you are a stranger, but I feel that this whole forum is filled with strangers just trying to help other strangers get through the 'most painful experience anyone can experience'. And the only reason everyone is here is to help each other out.

I feel I do not need to send out any more private messages to OM's facebook contacts. I already sent it out to over 40 of his contacts - I targeted his family, his workmates, and those at the school where he teaches. Yes, he has another 260+ contacts, but most of those are across in other states; probably just acquaintances. The two lawyers I spoke to (who are also close, personal friends) are not quite advising me only as lawyers, but as friends. They both actually said that what I am doing is the right thing, but they felt that sending it to 40 of the people closest to him is enough to end the affair; sending it out to 260 more might put him over the edge and try even more desperate things. In addition, he has shut down his facebook page completely, and so even though I have his contacts stored on my computer still, it is no longer public access.

MelodyLane - Yes, I have exposed my wife's family, but a fair amount of them actually already knew. They told me that my wife has already been telling them about what she was doing, and she wanted advice, and she was already using them as support. Of course, her whole family advised her to stop her affair and come back to me.

As for my wife's friends, I have exposed the affair to them also. My wife was furious of course at first, furious that I exposed the OM (she kept telling me, 'why did you do this? Why didn't you just leave him out of this?'), and she kept saying 'how can she face any of her friends again?'. She kept saying I was doing this out of revenge. I told her I am doing this just to save the marriage; I came up with a list of conditions (suggested by Marriage Builders), and told her that this is what I expect if we are to work on our marriage. Otherwise, we can just have a divorce.

I guess the marriage still means something to her, because after thinking it over for a day, the next day she said she wanted to work on our marriage. I am not sure how strong this statement is, because obviously she is still in a highly emotional state, but it brings a little hope for me. I am of course still very cautious and realize it will be a long, tough road to come, and that it may still never work out. But a little hope feels like I am able to take small breath, when I felt like I was literally drowning all these months.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
Joined: Jan 2012
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This suggestion was given to me. Find out all you can on surviving an affair. There is a book you can order off this site. I've been in your shoes...I'm not in a place to give advice but the book has helpful information on what your spouse will go through after the affairs end. (Its helpful to know what to expect).

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
I'm not sure if this exposure thing was the right thing to do anymore.

Clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive exposure IS the right thing to do.

Your version - tentative, marginally threatening, and compromised by your reliance on University networks - not so much!

NG, I have read your story; your story is as far from clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive as you can get. You were so out of your mind in your story - strike your wife, murder the OM's son - I would have expected that you would be a little more understanding of what I did.

Of all the help I have gotten here so far, yours has been the only one absolutely unhelpful and simply criticizing. I only hope you are not giving this type of advice to other people on this forum.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
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While waiting for your SAA book read all the articles in this.
How To Survive Infidelity


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Phoenix20 - Thanks. I actually did get that book from Goodwill; they are shipping it over now. I also got the whole series of books - His Needs Her needs, Love Busters, Five Steps to Romantic Love (workbook), Fall in Love Stay in Love.

Before they come in, does anyone have advice on which book to read first? Which ones should my wife and I read together? How should I incorporate the website?


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
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Also you're in Plan A, correct?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2003
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SAA is what you want to start with when the books arrive.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Also you're in Plan A, correct?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Thank you so much! With 50,000+ 'topics', that's the one I was looking for. Very helpful.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 4,983
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Originally Posted by jah
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
I'm not sure if this exposure thing was the right thing to do anymore.

Clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive exposure IS the right thing to do.

Your version - tentative, marginally threatening, and compromised by your reliance on University networks - not so much!

NG, I have read your story; your story is as far from clean, clear, clinical, and comprehensive as you can get. You were so out of your mind in your story - strike your wife, murder the OM's son - I would have expected that you would be a little more understanding of what I did.

Of all the help I have gotten here so far, yours has been the only one absolutely unhelpful and simply criticizing. I only hope you are not giving this type of advice to other people on this forum.

Not all posters will sit here holding your hand guiding you with every single step along the way.

Of those i found to be the most antagonistic, offensive, unhelpful and in generally totally PO'd me in the beginning can actually be one of your biggest supporters at the other end.

Do not discount them just because you think they are unhelpful now. Everyone has their own style.

JMHO


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Hey Doc,

Im going to read your first thread in its entirety later, but youre married only 3 years and she's had 3 affairs?

What is the matter with you, dude?

Kudos on a superb exposure however, to what end?

Im sure she's dynamite with intelligence and looks but, man, she's about as trustworthy as a crackhead.

Ill go read your first thread to see if Im missing something here.

Good luck with all that.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Some good clips on Plan A for BH.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

Tell me what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Another good clip on serial cheaters.
Radio clip on serial cheaters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Hey Doc,

Im going to read your first thread in its entirety later, but youre married only 3 years and she's had 3 affairs?

What is the matter with you, dude?

Kudos on a superb exposure however, to what end?

Im sure she's dynamite with intelligence and looks but, man, she's about as trustworthy as a crackhead.

Ill go read your first thread to see if Im missing something here.

Good luck with all that.

+1 Took the words right out of my mouth.

Last edited by 20YearHistory; 06/21/12 02:46 PM.
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I say that if you have no kids with this woman then you should run as far as you can and get her out of your life before you face a divorce with kids in the picture.

I say that as a man who was terrified of divorce and it is the best thing that ever happened. My ex did me a favor and gave me my life back by leaving. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman I met years later.

You're living a nightmare.

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