My husband has been out of work over a year. We have been surviving from my paychecks and his unemployment support from EDD. He was down but tried very hard finding a job and I gave him total support without pressure or complain. I told him only once that he should get a job without being selective but it seemed I hurt him very much. We hadn't have sex much, probably once or twice a month over the last ten months and he did remarked few month ago(kind of making as a joke) that he is doing it because he feels obligated since he is out of work which hurt me a lot. Since then I have stopped show any interest towards it. Other than that, we had very harmonious marriage life, helping each other, affectionate relationships but not passionate.

We've been married about 6 years. I'm 47 and he is 51. I was not good at recreational companionship and gained weight over the years. We both are on the second marriage, no children from current or previous marriages.

The last half year or so, he started communicate with his old girlfriend via Facebook who he wanted get marry when they were in 20's but she rejected at that time. It lingered in him for a long time and he told me about her when we were still dating.

Since we couldn't afford both of us visiting his family, I sent him spending time with them for two & half weeks. He spent time with her during the visit.

Now, he wants to divorce with me because he has re-connected with her and wants to get marry(and she agreed on it)when he returned on 6/5. He has told me that with his surprise, they tried very hard avoiding physical contact but they couldn't resist. But after reading "Surviving Affair", I assumed he was already in love with her while communicating through Facebook and they only confirmed when they met. She is a single and no kids around my age. He repeatedly told me I didn't do anything wrong but he can't stay with me because he loves her and he wants to be true to himself.

Living situation became very awkward since he returned. He stayed with a friend for about two weeks, he cashed all his retirement plan for surviving and flew back on 6/20. He exposed the situation to few of his family members by himself but I think he realized that was not acceptable to them so he hasn't return to the family but living with the girlfriend. They are very sorry to me feeling ashamed what he has done. He and I have been communicating only through emails since he left from our house. We spoke only once face to face when he was still in a friend's place. I have told him that he is in the midlife crisis, trying retrieving his past and the passion is only temporary, but of-course he wasn't interested listening.

I thought I should be on plan B since he left me already so I sent him an email on 6/24 according the book and requested stop communicating with me except financial issues we are tied. No emotional communication since then. He was sorry about my decision even some of my emails were nasty, although he seems he doesn't understand what I'm going through even his previous wife left him (reason was not an affair). But he is keeping my request not communicating with me but financial issues. Current communication is 1 or 2 times a week.

This all happened in the last month. I want him to come back but feel hopeless. He clearly stated twice our marriage is over when I asked restoring our marriage. Should I go back to plan A or stay with B? Or should I give up and move on? It appears to me he is ready to give up everything for her. Only my hope is that she was infamous with relationships and flirting without holding back including boyfriends of her girlfriends or her boyfriend of friends according to three friends of my husband but this was 2 decades ago so I don't know if she is still the same. She is very beautiful woman too. She automatically meets primary requirements (sex and physical appearance) for man and I have no way to compete with her. I'm devastating being alone at home. Please advice.

Me: 47
Husband: 51
Married for 6 years
Together for 7 years
No children

Discovered 6/4/12
On the road to recover my marriage

Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain.

Who have you exposed to? Is this OW married?

I would do a facebook exposure.
Exposure 101

Have you been into your doctor for some ADs?

I have exposed some of our friends.

My husband exposed to few of his family member by himself. OW is a single no kids.

I already cut facebook contact with him. I couldn't stand seeing him and her communication. I tried get it back but not working.

No doctor yet. But getting a lot of supports from girlfriens.

I would do a facebook exposure on OW side.

Also I would expose to WH's family yourself. He may have twisted and turned the story. "Our marriage isn't happy anymore" or other garbage. You need to tell them the truth.

Who did you expose to on OW side?

I don't know anyone on OW side. My husband and she lost contact over 20 years but I know she has Facebook account. I guess I need to become friend with her since her information is blocked.

Try this first.
Facebook: a backdoor to see more information

Ok. Thank you so much for your help. I'll have a look.

Also these will help.

These may help.
be the lighthouse....for those feeling tossed in the waves
betrayed spouse.......just be still

Thanks again. Do you think am I on the right track? ; I have no contact with him except financial info. we need exchange. Feels like I'm giving him away to OW and making situation favorable for them. What do you think??

You read SAA and so you know about Plan A.

So how long was your Plan A?

If you are going to be in a true plan B there must be no contact.

Why did your first marriage end?

Why did his first marriage end?

Also please listen to these clips. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3

Well, this all happened rapidly. We contacted each other through first two weeks in daily basis. Mostly me trying to stop him or convince him that he should stop or slow down. He left two weeks after he told me. I found this website after he left and stopped begging him come back.

My first marriage, unfortunately ended the same scenario; he had an affair and I kicked him out. He wanted restore marriage after half year and I refused. I was not a good wife and we were not good match. In the beginning I was shocked but soon after I realized that I felt much better without him. But this marriage, I tried very hard make him happy and had a wonderful marriage, I thought. But I started reading "His need, Her need" yesterday and realized I wasn't meeting his need; our sex life became much less over the last few years and I kept refusing accompany his interests.

His first wife left because he tend to be depressed or unhappy and she was tired of his depressive attitude. I don't know much of the details.

Thank you again for your support. Much appreciated.

Remember you may be 50% responsible for the demise of your marriage, but he is 100% responsible for his affair.

The Harleys will tell you "there may be reasons for an affair, but never excuses."

Please spend all your energy on exposing to OW's side. Did you read the exposure thread?

Did you listen to those clips?

He is living with OW now? Have you protected your finances?

I didn't have time go through plan A. He stayed a friend house for two weeks after he returned from family visit. I saw him only two days after he confessed.

I've listened the segments. Thank you. He is actually ambitious with his carrier. He is licensed architect. But he had problem with his manager at the last job and terminated because of conflict with him. It was a big shock for him. Since then he has been looking for work but no success over a year.

Any luck finding her on facebook? Can you hire a PI? They'll be able to find out her information.

Yes I have read exposure thread and listened clips (answer is on previous post). I will work on exposure on OW side.

Yes he lives with her. So far, we continue working on our finance together. He receives his unemployment support from EDD. WE pay mortgage and all bills together with my paychecks. He still have a sane to be responsible with finance.

Tell me what you think of this one.
Radio clip on WH moving out and seeing OW Plan C
Segment #2

BSs Plan C is not a plan

Jessie, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I would go into Plan B as soon as possible. What you describe here is not Plan B because you are in contact with him. Your plan is what Harley calls "Plan C," which is the most likely to lead to divorce.

Please go to this link here and read up on how to execute Plan B.

I would also expose the affair wide and far. Read the link in my signature for exposure tips.

Hi Jessie, Welcome to MB I am sorry for the pain that has brought you to this forum. You will find advice, encouragement and support.

As Brainhurts mentioned you need to expose to ensure the truth about the A is out there, waywards put a spin on the story to keep their fantasy alive.

Mel knows the MB principles inside out and has a wealth of experience helping other MBers for the last 12 years. I agree with her, you should go into Plan B. This gives you a plan to focus on your own personal recovery, remove yourself from the drama of the A which A thrive on. By not having any contact with your WH, the OW has to meet all of his EN's and she will in time struggle with this and the LB will begin. You have the benefit of MB she doesn't.

Read the links that have been posted on your thread and read the threads in notable posts this will help. Take care and post any time you have questions or need support.

I just came back and saw all of your post. I'll read through, check links. I'm very new here and all your suggestions and supports are much needed and appreciated. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you, thank you.

We understand. We've been there. We know it hurts.

What shall I do for finance? I can't afford paying all bills by myself. Should I ask a friend to be a middle person?

As long as your friend can remain neutral and act like a filter then yes.

Send them the IM training school link at the end of this How To Plan B properly

Can you get into a lawyer to help protect your finances?

Also in your Plan B letter you add an addendum for the finances.

to you Jessie, we understand and know the pain you feel. I agree with BH, get legal advice to see how best to protect yourself and what support you can obtain.

Hi BH,

The link you sent on "Radio clip on WH moving out and seeing OW Plan C" is perfect. Thank you! I also read "How to plan B correctly" and made a letter to be sent.
Unfortunately I'm not in the place I can get a lawyer. But I'd get a mediator when/if proceed to divorce.

Here is the letter I wrote. I had to make change in order to write like I usually do; broken English. Otherwise it looks too perfect and he'd notice the idea is not from my self. Please tell me what you think.


I apologize to you for the part that creating undesirable marriage that helped make your affair with XXX. You repeatedly told me that is not my fault. But I still believe you would't take such a extreme action if you are totally happy with me, life style or the way we were working on situation given to us.

You probably loved me but you were not in love with me for ?, I don't know how long. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and crate a better life for both of us. But I can't do it unless you end your relationship with XXX.

As I mentioned in the previous email, I will avoid communicate with you. My friend XXX, agreed to help make arrangement between us on financial issues. If you want ask questions or communication with me, please contact her. Her email is:
XXXXX

Anything relate about us/you triggers me returning the day of the shock and sometimes I'm unable to control my emotion regardless of where I am that make my life very unstable. The other day I called you regards to desktop problem, without my expectation I started have tears while leaving message and couldn't talk properly and I don't want me behave like that at work or with friends anymore. It is very important for me avoiding anything remind about you.

I still love you but the position I'm being placed is unbearable. If you are permanently separate from XXX in the future, I will be willing to communicate with you again. I want to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. We've been going through both wonderful times and difficult times together as partners, best friends and husband & wife.

Much love,
Jess

CC to XXX; I love XXX with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me the second chance even after such humiliation given by both of you.

Any luck on finding any more information on the OW?

Thanks reading.

There is a lot I lined through that made you look weak in a way you do not need or want to appear.

You are his wife.

You declare you willingness to create a great life with him , then set guidelines for communication and offer directions to get YOU back. You are the prize.

Your PS to the OW lets her know you are not done with him AND you do not give a disrespectful message to her about humiliation for her to feed off of and to use against you somehow.

Thank you for reading my letter. Ok,I've already sent as it was but stopped communication completely. It is hard but I got energy from it so I started packing his belongings and get out from my sight.

I managed expose some of OW friends in FB. Not much I could get information but thank you BrainHurts the information. I also email my WH yesterday morning about exposure to our mutual friends. He usually reply quickly but I haven't heard since then. I don't know its because of letter or getting shock from exposure. Anyway thank you all!

I have no contact with him. How long I should wait. I'm lonely and tempted to email him. Please help!

You do not contact him. Are you in Plan B?

Jessie, Maybe you should read the link to Plan B again. During Plan B you have no contact either verbal, written or physical with your WH.

In Plan B you will go through withdrawal and miss the contact with your WH husband. Find something to do to keep yourself busy, do one thing for you each day and post here whenever you need to ask questions or feel low.

Oh jessie, I really feel for you.

As a long-term Plan B'er, I have to let you in on something it took me a long time to understand.

In Plan B, you are not waiting. You stand by your boundaries. You have set the bar for what WH has to do to earn you back. You can NOT educate a wayward.

You leave him be to his waywardness, his affair, his lies.

You remove yourself from the drama. You let OW try to meet his needs. You no longer meet any of his needs. And he can no longer blame you for anything, because you are no longer part of his life to be blamed.

And you keep putting one foot in front of the other to heal yourself. Without WH.

If he ever decides to pull his head from his butt, maybe you will want to recover the marriage. And if not... you have healed and moved forward with a fantastic life without him.

I read the title:

"Plan A or B? or giving up marriage??"

Even if you do give up on your marriage, Plan B is still a great idea. Caracal says it well:


Plan B is for your healing. Every bit of contact will be painful to you. If contact ever happens, build stronger and taller walls to prevent it from happening again.

If you email him or call him.....you will not get out of the missing him and lonely stage.
You have to just imagine that it is what you are asking your wayward to do.....give up their 'beloved' affair. Cold turkey. Forever. Period.

See if you can do it yourself with your spouse.

Tough, tough, tough stuff.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I got strength holding myself up.

Only thing is that he is acting as if he is doing "right" thing. To be true to himself. He initiate exposure by himself because he want to be "true to himself". His family is upset and some friends giving support! to him.

I feel like I'm giving him away to OW by not contacting at all.

And though it feels like you are giving him to OW, guess what?
He gave himself to her already.

Just stay out of their mess. Let them give it a go and time will tell if the affair ends from your lack of stoking it or not.

Refocus away from your spouse and to your own future and maybe he will eventually find you and take the initiative to recover his marriage to you. If he doesn't, he isn't worth YOUR bother!

Thank you again. I just found out that his family is making up with him. They disapprove what he did but as part of family, they'd start treat him as before. Awwww.............

But I won't contact him. Just endure, at least for now.