Let me say that I love my husband very much. He is my life and my world. We have been married for 15 yrs and it has been rocky. I wanted to have a baby with him and he doesn't want to have any more kids. We both have a child from previous relationships. His first wife cheated on him and got pregnant with that man's child and my husband now swears that if I cheat there are no second chances. Well, I cheated. Not because I was attracted to the man but because he is like Rumplestilskin. You make a deal with him is like making a deal with the devil.

About 5 yrs ago I had gotten my husband and myself into credit card debt and worse the cards were in my husband's name with him none the wiser. I had been working 55 hrs a week and using the over time to pay the cards. My hours were cut and I couldn't make the payments. So I fell behind. Long story short I went to my boss who is my brother in law (he is married to my twin sister)for a loan through the company to help me get the cards back to being manageable so my husband wouldn't find out. So I could save my marriage. I was trying to pay them off and to turn to the straight and narrow. I do have to say that my "boss" did say that maybe I should tell my husband about the cards but I was so afraid my husband would divorce me over them that I said I couldn't tell him. Just please give me the loan through the company and I could pay it off and the cards..

He said no let's keep it personal. Longer story shorter.. he proposed me sleeping with him and he would help me make those cards and debts dissappear.

I turned him down at first but then the creditors starting calling my husbands work. I went back to my Brother n law (Boss) and again asked him for a company loan... He said he only helps people who are committed to him. People who will be there for him. I was desparate and finally agreed. The agreement was to meet him 4 times a year. It physically made me sick to meet him and I told him I couldn't do this.. but that line had been drawn.. little by little the demands of my time got more and more. I did demand though that I never am not home when my husband is home. I always made sure that I spent so much more time with my husband to make up for spending 2 hrs with the hated one.

I hate that man more than I hate anyone. I told him to pay this much attention to his wife and his marriage would be golden.. This man , my boss, my Brother n law, is a mean, hateful man when he is crossed. Amiable when you are agreeing with him and totally possessed by the devil the next second when you disagree or go against him.

Well, my husband found out about the credit cards 3 yrs ago and we've been working on those and he's started trusting me again. My "boss" hasn't helped me with those or anything else in over 3 yrs and all along I've been begging him to just let me go to let me have my marriage. To let me be the wife my husband deserves, but he keeps dragging my sister and how i help their relationship and how things could be so much worse for my sister... anyway, off and on through out the start of this 4 yrs ago I can put him off for months at a time and this past year to current I was able to keep him away from me for almost 6 months but then my sister started suspecting he was having an affair with another employee of his (which could be true) and all heck broke loose. This employee works one desk away from me and she is the golden child at work. She can do no wrong.. anyway, "boss" asked me again if I would be in his life and I said No That I cannot not that I love my husband so much and that this would kill him and our marriage to please just let it go.. well, that didn't end well and now I am afraid that he is going to sue me for all monies and gifts he gave and bought me during our time (even though I asked for nothing of him except the help with the cards, I just wanted out)
I told my sister of what had been going on and she understood. He is a "B word and that he has been after both of us since we were 16. She said it wasn't my fault and she still loves me.. Now , the hardest part for me is telling my husband that I totally screwed up our marriage and compounded a major mistake with the credit cards with an even worse one. My heart is breaking... please help me..

Welcome to MB.

Go to your BH and tell him the truth. He deserves to know.

I do plan on telling him this weekend. It's just tearing my heart out. I so hope he will forgive me and understand that I didn't set out to have an affair. I know it is probably over but I just wanted a few more days with him before I tell him.

Go to him and tell him now. Tell him about MB and have him come here so we may help him.

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Tell him now. BH will need all the time he has before he goes off to work Monday morning to be able to half donkey function at his job.

Tell him the truth, and then beg him to recover your marriage. You have been incredibly selfish in your marriage. He will be stunned. Get on your knees if you need to.

Get it done.

I don't see how i was being selfish... I was doing everything i could not to disrupt his life and to make it a good place... I asked someone i trusted for help to keep my marriage solid and he took advantage of that... (just like most men in my life) only My husband is different.. he is a good man and I do not know how to handle that but I have been learning. It took me getting into this mess to realize what a man I have and I am trying to keep him...

You thought sleeping with another man (repeatedly) would be less "disruptive" to your husband than telling him you had some debt you were unable to pay, and you don't see how you were being selfish?

Something smells fishy about this story.

Well Kati, you can start by helping yourself. No one here can help you if you aren't willing to put on your big girl panties and get to work changing YOU first. And that starts by being an honest person. Let's face it, right now, you aren't. Period. The end.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, what are you going to do about it?

I'm posting to you right now for one reason only. I'm a twice betrayed man, so I have an understanding of how your husband may react and feel. In my case, I found out both of mine by accident. The first was bad, but the second was WAY WAY worse. You still have a slim chance to help him (and your marriage) by being completely honest with him about everything, and now, before he has a chance to find out on his own.

And you can bet your [censored].....he will! It's just a matter of time, so you have none to spare.

SadKati, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place if you are willing to do the right thing. And that is to tell everyone, starting with your husband, what you have done. It also means quitting your job and never being around your BIL again.

It will be important to tell your entire family, including your children, what you have done to them.. Affair affect everyone, so they have a right to know. The rest of your family should be told so they can protect themselves from you and your BIL. They have to also be told that your families can never be invited to the same events again, because complete no contact is the only way to recover.

What you have done is incredibly selfish and cruel and I dearly hope you plan on taking accountability for your behavior when you tell your husband. If you won't take full accountability for this, then you are not safe for him.

No, you did something incredibly selfish and cruel to cover your OWN [censored]. Don't use this spin on your husband. Don't compound the crime with clintonesque bullcrap. Don't add insult to injury if you want to have any hope of recovery.

He didn't take advantage of anything. You CHOSE to allow him to aid you in betraying your marriage vows. Don't even think it's not completely selfish on your part.

If you've been doing the right and unselfish things, then why doesn't everyone know about it, and why don't you want to scream it from the nearest mountaintop?

If it's right, you want people to know about it. If it's not?

Well.............

Let me see.. You thought racking up credit card debt, lying about it and then covering up your crime by shagging YOUR OWN SISTERS HUSBAND was not disruptive?

MY GOD.

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS PERSON.

Does the **edit** get any deeper than that? You did a little more than "disrupt" his life, you RUINED his life with your despicable behavior. You ruined your sister's life. You ruined your JOB. You disrupted your extended family's life because your affair with your own sisters husband means you can never be around that family again when your sister is there. You are the OW in your sisters life, her worst nightmare.

I can't imagine anything more "disruptive." You have wrecked many lives by trying to cover your crimes, Madam.

Most importantly, her own life.

Kati, you came here looking for something. What is that something? If you came here looking for an easy way out of this train wreck that you have created, then you have come to the wrong place.

If you're looking for a place to hit rock bottom and build yourself (and possibly your marriage) back up, then you are definitely in the right place.

It's up to you. The right way is never the easy way in cases like yours. You've spent a lifetime cheating, stealing, and lying so I'm sure it will be a tough habit to break. But it can be broken.

You up for it? Start with telling your BH EVERYTHING!!!!

And tonight.

Boy... I am intending on telling my husband... but I was and am the selfish one by trying to get help from another family memeber only to have him take advantage of me by knowing my weak leak is my husband and all of you are saying i am the selfish one... I am going to tell my husband because it is the right thing to do.. but have any of you men out there been repeatedly taken advantage of by friends or family and you finally find the right guy and you don't know how to deal with it? I am finding that i can trust my husband but it has taken years to be able to do so.. not because of him but because i had issues prior to our relationship and I told him that... yes, i accepted the deal from my BIL but i also expected him to do the right thing and help me because he could and because he was family... if he had helped me in the right way.. i would've evenutally told my husband of the debt. Yes, I screwed it up and i am willing to pay for that but to say that i was the only selfish party is wrong.. and just so you know.. my family was never invited to any of his (BIL's) family gatherings.. he believes my and my sister's family is sub standard and below his level and doesn't include us in his family events.. like i said... he is evil and he knows how to hide it...

The Harleys have a saying around here "there may be reasons for an affair but NEVER excuses".

Take responsibility for your actions. Do not make excuses of "being taken advantage of".

for your information.. the man i ruined my life for is a dispicable man.... he is a manipulator and an angry person without help.. he held a gun to my sisters head and hit her with his car... my sister knows what type of man he is and understands how this could have happened... he had been after me since both of us were 16 yrs old.. he is mental but no one really knows how far.. now we do.. and I have known for quite a while.. so thank you all for your input and i hope to God you all come in to contact with someone like him in your life.. because then you'll come crying too.. thanks for for support..

Have you told your BH yet? Bring him here so we can help him.

Bring your sister here so we can help her.

The problem is that your husband cannot trust YOU because you are extremely untrustworthy to the point of being dangerous to him. What you have done to your husband and your sister is downright evil. You cannot blame your partner in crime for your part in all this. You fully intended to deceive your husband about your credit card debt and then colluded and plotted with your own sister's husband to commit adultery in an attempt to further deceive your husband.

So yes, you were profoundly selfish and evil to your husband and your sister. You have caused enormous damage to both marriages and to your family origin.

Your judgement is so profoundly BAD that your husband needs to know everything you do so he can protect himself from you. In order for him to ever get over this, you are going to have to give him access to everything and live a completely transparent lifestyle. People who are this reckless need many others in their lives to hold them accountable, so the more people who know the better.

You do realize you can't continue to work there, right?

Kati, what are you looking for here?

Seriously, what are you looking for?

ok.. last post.. you people don't understand because you haven't been in my shoes... I know what i did was wrong.. but it wasn't selfish it was misguided and it was .. it just was... I am doing the right thing now... so thank you for your heartfelt support and advocating a man who will take advantage of a person asking for help and using his lifelong relationship to turn it into something bad.. Just like my uncle did when he raped me and got me prgenant and like my mothers boyfriends' I am not saying that i didn't know what what going on just that i didn't know how to handle it and i handled it wrong.. I am sorry and I am very sorry that finally i can get the [censored] out of my life (the BIL) not my husband whom I love beyond belief...

Are you in any position to hold moral judgment over anyone?

You are not the victim here, dear. And if you continue to play the victim card, then your husband would be wise to divorce you.

You did know how to handle the problem. You know its wrong to lie and deceive. You know its wrong to commit adultery. So don't say you didn't know what to do. If you don't know right from wrong, you should be locked up.

Being raped does not entitle you to consider all the other bad choices of your life as "misguided" and "not your fault".

The sooner you realize that the better.

SadKati, if you want to make this right, then drop the victim angle because it won't work. The only victims here are your husband and your sister. Go to your husband on bended knee, confess what you have done and pledge to make it right. No excuses, no twisted bill clinton rationalizations, just a truthful, sincere confession and an offer to make it right.

From there, quit your job and expose the affair to your workplace, your kids, pastor, and family members. Offer to be so transparent with your husband that he can watch you and hold you completely accountable.

Be apologetic and ready to make amends. And DO NOT play the victim card. Your husband and your sister are the victims and you are the rapist. It is up to YOU to make amends and do what it takes to heal your husband.

SK

You knew the Devil's (BIL wanting to get in your pants) game yet you played it with him?

Covering one lie with another and your a victim?

A simple phrase to practice-

No-I won't do that.

nESRE

You knew all of this about him, and yet you still slept with him, just to keep your husband from finding out about your debt? You really don't see the selfishness involved in that decision?

There are plenty of "reasons" people have affairs, but there are no excuses. Stop making excuses for your poor decisions and take responsibility for what you have done. You need to do this before you tell your husband, because if you go to him and start spouting off all of the excuses you've been tossing around here, this isn't going to go very well. Your husband would be wise to kick you to the curb if you start telling him what you've been telling us. You've taken NO responsibility for your own actions at all.

WE do understand very well; much better than you do. You are the least objective person on this thread and are very much in denial about the despicable things you have done. You have justified your evil by portraying yourself as a victim in your foggy, deceitful mind. You deserve no sympathy, Madam. All the sympathy should be reserved for your victims.

what mel said x2. this is EXACTLY what you need to do. so stop reading for right now and go do the bold bit right now. then you can come back and we can try and help you salvage something out of this train wreck.

Don't be stupid and play the victim card with your husband if you want to have any hope of saving this. We are trying to tell you how ridiculous you sound. You sound like Bill Clinton blaming them "evil ole Republicans" for getting caught red handed.

A person who is truly remorseful doesn't blame others and doesn't cite the wrongdoings of others. They take full accountability for their crimes..

Let's do a little math, shall we? You started this "deal" 4 years ago to hide the credit cards, and it's been going on ever since. But your husband found out about the credit cards 3 years ago. So for three years...what were you getting out of this "deal"?

i have told my sister and she is in complete agreement because she knows how her husband is... and has always been... she doesn't blame me or hate me... i do that all by myself... she doesn't need help..

nothing except he didnt tell my husband anything... every time i asked him to let me go to release me from this fiasco he wouldn't he would threaten my sister to me and say that bad things would happen... I didn't know what to do.. so I tried to placate until i just couldn't anymore... then I told my sister everything...

You did a horrible, despicable thing to your sister. Just because she doesn't blame you doesn't mean you are not to blame. You are fully to blame for sleeping with her husband just to get money from him so you could deceive your husband.

Your utter lack of remorse is alarming and disturbing. It makes me wonder if there is not something very wrong here.

]
More blameshifting, more excuses. Did you read our posts telling you this won't work?

YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM!

Don't know if I should be saying this with all the trouble I'm still going through but Sadkati take a look a that sentence. He is a manipulator. Well look at yourself very hard right now and dig deep and what do you see.

What I see is a manipulator. Right now and for the past few years you have been manipulating your husband into thinking he is in a safe and loving marriage. For the past few years you have been manipulating him into thinking nothing is wrong which includes the debt all the way down to the adultery.

Dig deep Sadkati, do you see the similarities.

Tell your husband the truth right now because I can guarantee that the pain that he is going to feel is going to be far worse than the pain you would have felt if you told him about the debt four years ago.

since my last post to you i have hemmed a pair of curtains, installed a new printer, had a muffin & cuppa, and read my entire rss feed for the last 4 days. why haven't you told your husband yet?

what is your purpose here? we don't care about what kind of person your OM is, or how bad you say you feel, or what happened in your past. you said you wanted help in telling your husband. that has been provided. the next step is to go do it. then come back for the help you're going to need.

do you want to deal with the mess you've made, or not? there are other posters who need help if you're not here to get some.

Was this reported to the police? Why isn't he in jail? If he was making threats to harm your sister why haven't you informed the police. Do you want her to end up dead?

Glad to see you returned even after you said you were done. See the thing is that the people on MB don't sugar coat anything. They give it to you how it is. They understand more than anyone what an affair is, the damage it causes, and just how foggy Waywards are when they come to this site.

I came on here as a Wayward expecting sympathy and forgiveness for my horrible crimes against my family. I told my story as the victim with a million reasons and excuses for what I did.

What I got was the cold, hard, HONEST, truth that I was NOT the victim and I made my bed, I HAD TO SLEEP IN IT!

I wanted to run very far away from this site but even after all of the horrible things that people were saying about ME, I kept coming back. Why? Because I knew that it was the truth.

Telling your Husband is going to be one of the hardest things that you will do, but it will be the bravest and most honest thing you can do for yourself and everyone that you have destroyed in your selfish path...and yes it was very selfish.
Dishonesty is always the easiest and MOST DISHONEST route!!

I was you, full of excuses, playing the victim, it wasn't my fault. It doesn't matter what kind of person your BIL is. No one here is saying that he is NOT an evil, despicable, horrible man, but YOU ALLOWED him to take advantage of you. You made the choices that you made. Now the only thing you can do is start being honest with everyone, including yourself and rebuilding your life based on honesty and accountability.

I am not here to judge you, I am here to help you. I have been in your shoes and have to work really hard every day to stay out of them.

Stay on this site, let the MB people help you. It will not be easy but it will be worth it!

Kati, if you were to own up FULLY to your part in this two things would happen.

The vets here would stop bashing you to 'get it' because you would have shown that you now do get it.

And your husband is more likely to trust someone who 'gets' it.

If you go to him with blameshifting and excuses, and ludicrous claims that he 'made you' - he will rightly consider you as someone who cant be trusted to take personal responsibility. If you cant do that, what is to stop you making another mess like this?

Your failure to take personal responsibility is historic. You must demonstrate to your husband that this will change in future if you wish to avoid divorce. But you dont even seem to have a clue that you have even been selfish by indulging in so many lies and cover-ups.

In order to get the best response from your husband you must tell him that you know how much you've failed him. I would own up to the fact that you failed to take accountability and prostituted yourself (use that word, to display honesty)
simply to avoid taking personal responsibility.

I will spell out your failures to do this, which you should include in your apology to your husband so he knows you get it.

Kati, I hope and pray you have it in you to do this, and offer this man a loving and healthy recovery if he wants it.

I will post some tips for your apology, which will follow

OK Kati, this will be HARD for you, but you MUST woman up and do it.

You must admit the following as part of your apology



I lied to you and didnt trust when I got into trouble. I will never hide a single thing from you again. I was so deceitful that I went to a man who I KNEW was untrustworthy. Instead of trustingly coming to you.

I AM SORRY that I trusted such a man and failed to trust you with the truth. I know you would have responded lovingly but quite simply I lied to cover my own selfish hide. I asked an untrustworthy man to help me lie and deceive you. I know that now.

So desperate was I to cover my own selfish hide I did the unthinkable and had sex with him on demand. It is completely unforgivable. However I owe you the truth.



At first I turned him down, but when I realised SELFISHLY that I was going to get into trouble, I agreed to prostitute myself.

The deal was four times a year. There is a high probability that I would never have told you about those four times. Because I am SELFISH and want to keep you with me in spite of the adultery. In spite of my lies.

However he began blackmailing me and making me very miserable.

Selfishly, I now ask for your help in rescuing me from a mess of my own making.

I will do whatever I have to.

That much is obvious.

However your husband will care very little about HIS morals. He didnt marry HIM. Your husband doesnt care one jot about him!

He will want to see how much personal responsibility YOU take and how much YOU can be trusted.

Make your apology stark and unforgiving of yourself in order to have the best chance of redemption.

Take it from a Betrayed Spouse. All we want from our Waywards is taht they OWN UP to their faults and weaknesses and fix those things they OWN UP to.

I think you have a shot. Good luck.

I think this is excellent material for a novella.
Or, a country western song.
Especially this:

"Goodbye Earl"

Sure, sister. I'll help you. Here's your script.

SK: "Husband, sit down. I've got something to confess. I have been lying to you for quite some time. I spent money I did not have and accumulated (amount) of credit card debt. I did not know what to do. Instead of confessing my debt to you, I decided to have sex for money with my sister's husband. Can we have another baby?"

And, SK? Lose the "but" when you're telling your husband. Eliminate that word completely from your vocabulary when you confess to him. Every time you used the word "but" in this post, you invalidated the words before it and tried to explain why you shouldn't be held accountable for your actions.

Don't try to weasel out of your complete ownership of your affair by whining and saying "but, but, but".

Pep, reading this rather...bizarre...story did not remind me of a C/W song as much as another piece of Americana:



Although in our case, it appears "Sweet Nell" bought (with a charge card!) the necessary rope!

MB
some people don't realize when they are being a Buttinsky.

My bad.

Still chuckling over the Sweet Nell correlation to wayward women! The ultimate victim! So appropriate!

Wow what a sad story. Not so much for you but for your Husband. I don't post a lot but just some things you might want to think about.

My Ex-Wife had a sister with the same problem. She wanted from me $20,000 to pay off credit card debt her H did not know about. My then Wife wanted me to co-sign a loan for her and I said no. I told her sis to "Man Up" and go tell her H but no way would I get her the money. I told my then Wife she would just run up the debt again and be in the same place. She got the money from her Dad and then maxed out the Credit Cards again in just a couple of years. Her Dad had to pay off the Loan since his daughter could not pay it. My Ex-Wife used my "Bad" treatment of her sister as one of the reasons for her affair.

So I am guessing you have a shopping problem. Probably just can't stop buying things. So you run up Credit Cards for your fix. Even open some in your Husbands name just so you can keep your fix. So you went to your Brother in Law and got the money from him.

Then you probably went out and ran up the debt again and in addition to that you start having sex with another man. You do this all just so you do not have to tell your husband?

Wow. The problem with all of this is not your BIL but with you. Just so you could lie to your husband you slept with another man. As a husband I would just like to say that I would rather go declare bankruptcy then have my wife soil my marriage by sleeping with another man so she can support her shopping habit.

I can tell from your posts you think you have been used but it is your H that has been used. What you did to your husband was very cruel. The fact that you don't realize that shows that you should not be married. If you are single you can shop all you want and get money from another man and not use your husband.

I am sorry if I sound cruel but what you did and continue to do to him for Years is just well sad... Very Sad.

Sad Kati,
I have read some of your thread and don't know if you are still on here, but just wanted to reach out to you and say that you are doing the right thing and I sympathize.

Even though I am on the end of being a BW (terribly so), I can understand how circumstances can be extremely different for everyone, and I am the first to believe that not all wayward spouses are alike. So if everything you are saying is true I have sympathy for your situation and as they say in the bible, let him who has never sinned cast the first stone...

I do think that you are a victim to manipulation and you made some wrong turns and judgements instead of telling this man to <insert profanity> off and that you would go to hell first before you sleep with him. But many people who have been scared, weak, unwise etc have made the wrong decisions and then been bullied to stay in their traps.

I hope your husband can forgive you and understand you, but there are no questions in that you have to tell him NOW. This is truly the only way to end this and the horrible chains this man has over you.
I have a friend who was abused as a child by her step father and willingly went on with it in order to spare her younger sister whom her stepfather threatened to rape if she did not cooperate). Does that mean that she had an affair with him behind her mothers back? She told her mother and her mother did not believe her.
You are obviously not in a situation as sickening as this one, but try to understand two things - you can do the right things now and hope for the best outcome - the rest is up to God. And also that, there are situations still worse out there and be thankful you are not in them and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You made some bad decisions, whether through manipulation or otherwise. But now you can stand up and be strong and do the right thing.

Perhaps there hasn't been a whole lot of sympathy on this board for YOU, but everyone here has been hurt deeply by the results of an affair in their own lives and there is no love for it in any form.

However, I want to give you a virtual hug, and tell you to go on out there and do what you know is right. And hopefully your world will be set right starting with that initial first step in the RIGHT direction.

Lers keep some perspective here. She wasn't sparing anyone from rape. She slept with him as a license to carry on lying to her H. I find it insulting to genuine victims to see this comparison made.

She also knew he was attracted to her when she approached him for the lie/loan deal. So she has dreadful boundaries around members of OS.

She can change this of course and I hope she does.

But we need to correctly identify problems if we wish to solve them.

The only victim to manipulation in this case is her husband and her sister. They are victims of Sad Kati. Sad Kati manipulated her husband by hiding her spending issues. In order to cover up her crime, she enlisted her own sister's husband and agreed to sleep with him in exchange for money. She was not bullied, she volunteered for it all.

Unlike most people, I believe that women CAN BE accountable. Most women ARE NOT accountable for a damn thing, but I think that is wrong headed. I vote we hold Sad Kati accountable for her crimes and avoid helping her pander pity and undeserved sympathy for her great harm to others. Sad Kati is not the victim here and giving her sympathy for her horrendous crimes against others is very inappropriate.

Our sympathy should be reserved for her victims, not her. She is the rapist and her her husband and sister are the rape victims.

2cents, just so you know, most OW characterize themselves as big victims in order to justify their vile behavior. They typically play the victim card so they don't have to take accountability for their crimes. In truth, they are master manipulators and pandering pity is part of the game.

not trying to say she was a rape victim - just was trying to illustrate that there are truly some horrible cases out there so she should stop feeling sorry for herself and do the right thing.

in any case, she is trying to do the right thing right now and the whole subject of the thread is telling her husband she had the affair, which isn't ever easy but she's trying to do what's right (finally) and coming here for support.
So I don't want to be judging - I want to be encouraging.

And we want to be encouraging too. I agree with you there! But she has to be accountable in order to recover. If she goes to her husband playing the victim card, it will not go well. She needs to do the right thing and start being accountable for her crimes.

The poster who started this thread joined on 10/6 and posted for a 5 hour span. She hasn't been back. Let's see if she is interested or not before we put any more time into this one...

I think you would agree with me that you were in WAY over your head, and didn't have what it took to get yourself out or better yet, to not to begin with.

So the solution to this should have been to tell your husband. He would have been much stronger and more rational to deal with this than you.

Now that I'm thinking about it, you could have told your husband at any point and it would have lessened the pain. If you told him about the credit card debt then you would have to deal with the debt, but not the affair. If you told him when your BIL asked to sleep with you then you would have to deal with the debt, going around your husband, and the BIL, but not the affair. If you slept with him once, then you would have to deal with the debt, going around your husband, the BIL, your sister, and a one time incident of unfaithfulness.

Instead you choose to lie and lie and lie some more, and now you get to deal with the entire mess. Now the last thing you want to do is tell the truth, but that is the deal with lying, you dig your own grave. Now you have to make a choice, you either start telling the truth (and I mean all of it, no trickle truth or half truth) or you continue to lie and dig your grave even deeper.

Once you tell the truth, your husband may want to divorce you, but you MUST NOT PLAY VICTIM. You need to own your mistakes and start getting VERY serious about never lying again. Be the best wife you can be and don't blame shift or try to remove yourself from being accountable. If you don't do those things then you marriage may have a chance, but if you do then you WILL loose your husband.

Go pick up a copy of surviving an affair and start reading it right now. Start following the steps outlined and do everything you can to rebuild trust.

If you end up divorced, then that may be the price you must pay, but you must learn from this and never lie again. If you can learn from your mistakes you will ultimately be ok, but if not, then you will be stuck here.

If it were me, and I knew for certain my wife had permanently changed, and that she was never going to be dangerous to me or our kids, then I would pack my house, wife, and kids, and move to the opposite side of the country and never look back, but that would require her to completely own her stuff, otherwise I wouldn't take the chance.

Like I said - she was here for a few hours about two weeks ago. Just a fly-by, I suspect. I hope I'm wrong