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OK Kati, this will be HARD for you, but you MUST woman up and do it.

You must admit the following as part of your apology

Originally Posted by Sad_Kati
I went to my boss who is my brother in law (he is married to my twin sister)for a loan through the company to help me get the cards back to being manageable so my husband wouldn't find out...


I lied to you and didnt trust when I got into trouble. I will never hide a single thing from you again. I was so deceitful that I went to a man who I KNEW was untrustworthy. Instead of trustingly coming to you.

I AM SORRY that I trusted such a man and failed to trust you with the truth. I know you would have responded lovingly but quite simply I lied to cover my own selfish hide. I asked an untrustworthy man to help me lie and deceive you. I know that now.

So desperate was I to cover my own selfish hide I did the unthinkable and had sex with him on demand. It is completely unforgivable. However I owe you the truth.

Originally Posted by Sad_Kati
I turned him down at first but then the creditors starting calling my husbands work. I went back to my Brother n law (Boss) and again asked him for a company loan... He said he only helps people who are committed to him. People who will be there for him. I was desparate and finally agreed. The agreement was to meet him 4 times a year. It physically made me sick to meet him and I told him I couldn't do this.. but that line had been drawn.. little by little the demands of my time got more and more. ..


At first I turned him down, but when I realised SELFISHLY that I was going to get into trouble, I agreed to prostitute myself.

The deal was four times a year. There is a high probability that I would never have told you about those four times. Because I am SELFISH and want to keep you with me in spite of the adultery. In spite of my lies.

However he began blackmailing me and making me very miserable.

Selfishly, I now ask for your help in rescuing me from a mess of my own making.

I will do whatever I have to.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Sad_Kati
he is a manipulator

That much is obvious.

However your husband will care very little about HIS morals. He didnt marry HIM. Your husband doesnt care one jot about him!

He will want to see how much personal responsibility YOU take and how much YOU can be trusted.

Make your apology stark and unforgiving of yourself in order to have the best chance of redemption.

Take it from a Betrayed Spouse. All we want from our Waywards is taht they OWN UP to their faults and weaknesses and fix those things they OWN UP to.

I think you have a shot. Good luck.

Last edited by indiegirl; 10/07/12 11:59 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I think this is excellent material for a novella.
Or, a country western song.
Especially this:
Originally Posted by SK
I told my sister of what had been going on and she understood. He is a "B word and that he has been after both of us since we were 16. She said it wasn't my fault and she still loves me..

"Goodbye Earl"


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Originally Posted by SK
Now , the hardest part for me is telling my husband that I totally screwed up our marriage and compounded a major mistake with the credit cards with an even worse one. My heart is breaking... please help me..

Sure, sister. I'll help you. Here's your script.

SK: "Husband, sit down. I've got something to confess. I have been lying to you for quite some time. I spent money I did not have and accumulated (amount) of credit card debt. I did not know what to do. Instead of confessing my debt to you, I decided to have sex for money with my sister's husband. Can we have another baby?"

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Quote
I am intending on telling my husband... but
Quote
I am going to tell my husband because it is the right thing to do.. but
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I am finding that i can trust my husband but
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yes, i accepted the deal from my BIL but
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Yes, I screwed it up and i am willing to pay for that but
And, SK? Lose the "but" when you're telling your husband. Eliminate that word completely from your vocabulary when you confess to him. Every time you used the word "but" in this post, you invalidated the words before it and tried to explain why you shouldn't be held accountable for your actions.

Don't try to weasel out of your complete ownership of your affair by whining and saying "but, but, but".


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Pep, reading this rather...bizarre...story did not remind me of a C/W song as much as another piece of Americana:

[Linked Image from thechicagodope.com]

Although in our case, it appears "Sweet Nell" bought (with a charge card!) the necessary rope!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
I am intending on telling my husband... but
Quote
I am going to tell my husband because it is the right thing to do.. but
Quote
I am finding that i can trust my husband but
Quote
yes, i accepted the deal from my BIL but
Quote
Yes, I screwed it up and i am willing to pay for that but
And, SK? Lose the "but" when you're telling your husband. Eliminate that word completely from your vocabulary when you confess to him. Every time you used the word "but" in this post, you invalidated the words before it and tried to explain why you shouldn't be held accountable for your actions.

Don't try to weasel out of your complete ownership of your affair by whining and saying "but, but, but".

MB rant2
some people don't realize when they are being a Buttinsky. MrRollieEyes

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rotflmao

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Quote
MB
some people don't realize when they are being a Buttinsky.
My bad. rotflmao


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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Pep, reading this rather...bizarre...story did not remind me of a C/W song as much as another piece of Americana:

[Linked Image from thechicagodope.com]

Although in our case, it appears "Sweet Nell" bought (with a charge card!) the necessary rope!

Still chuckling over the Sweet Nell correlation to wayward women! The ultimate victim! So appropriate! rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wow what a sad story. Not so much for you but for your Husband. I don't post a lot but just some things you might want to think about.

My Ex-Wife had a sister with the same problem. She wanted from me $20,000 to pay off credit card debt her H did not know about. My then Wife wanted me to co-sign a loan for her and I said no. I told her sis to "Man Up" and go tell her H but no way would I get her the money. I told my then Wife she would just run up the debt again and be in the same place. She got the money from her Dad and then maxed out the Credit Cards again in just a couple of years. Her Dad had to pay off the Loan since his daughter could not pay it. My Ex-Wife used my "Bad" treatment of her sister as one of the reasons for her affair. banghead

So I am guessing you have a shopping problem. Probably just can't stop buying things. So you run up Credit Cards for your fix. Even open some in your Husbands name just so you can keep your fix. So you went to your Brother in Law and got the money from him.

Then you probably went out and ran up the debt again and in addition to that you start having sex with another man. You do this all just so you do not have to tell your husband?

Wow. The problem with all of this is not your BIL but with you. Just so you could lie to your husband you slept with another man. As a husband I would just like to say that I would rather go declare bankruptcy then have my wife soil my marriage by sleeping with another man so she can support her shopping habit.

I can tell from your posts you think you have been used but it is your H that has been used. What you did to your husband was very cruel. The fact that you don't realize that shows that you should not be married. If you are single you can shop all you want and get money from another man and not use your husband.

I am sorry if I sound cruel but what you did and continue to do to him for Years is just well sad... Very Sad.

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Sad Kati,
I have read some of your thread and don't know if you are still on here, but just wanted to reach out to you and say that you are doing the right thing and I sympathize.

Even though I am on the end of being a BW (terribly so), I can understand how circumstances can be extremely different for everyone, and I am the first to believe that not all wayward spouses are alike. So if everything you are saying is true I have sympathy for your situation and as they say in the bible, let him who has never sinned cast the first stone...

I do think that you are a victim to manipulation and you made some wrong turns and judgements instead of telling this man to <insert profanity> off and that you would go to hell first before you sleep with him. But many people who have been scared, weak, unwise etc have made the wrong decisions and then been bullied to stay in their traps.

I hope your husband can forgive you and understand you, but there are no questions in that you have to tell him NOW. This is truly the only way to end this and the horrible chains this man has over you.
I have a friend who was abused as a child by her step father and willingly went on with it in order to spare her younger sister whom her stepfather threatened to rape if she did not cooperate). Does that mean that she had an affair with him behind her mothers back? She told her mother and her mother did not believe her.
You are obviously not in a situation as sickening as this one, but try to understand two things - you can do the right things now and hope for the best outcome - the rest is up to God. And also that, there are situations still worse out there and be thankful you are not in them and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You made some bad decisions, whether through manipulation or otherwise. But now you can stand up and be strong and do the right thing.

Perhaps there hasn't been a whole lot of sympathy on this board for YOU, but everyone here has been hurt deeply by the results of an affair in their own lives and there is no love for it in any form.

However, I want to give you a virtual hug, and tell you to go on out there and do what you know is right. And hopefully your world will be set right starting with that initial first step in the RIGHT direction.

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Lers keep some perspective here. She wasn't sparing anyone from rape. She slept with him as a license to carry on lying to her H. I find it insulting to genuine victims to see this comparison made.

She also knew he was attracted to her when she approached him for the lie/loan deal. So she has dreadful boundaries around members of OS.

She can change this of course and I hope she does.

But we need to correctly identify problems if we wish to solve them.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by twocents
I do think that you are a victim to manipulation and you made some wrong turns and judgements instead of telling this man to <insert profanity> off and that you would go to hell first before you sleep with him. But many people who have been scared, weak, unwise etc have made the wrong decisions and then been bullied to stay in their traps.


The only victim to manipulation in this case is her husband and her sister. They are victims of Sad Kati. Sad Kati manipulated her husband by hiding her spending issues. In order to cover up her crime, she enlisted her own sister's husband and agreed to sleep with him in exchange for money. She was not bullied, she volunteered for it all.

Unlike most people, I believe that women CAN BE accountable. Most women ARE NOT accountable for a damn thing, but I think that is wrong headed. I vote we hold Sad Kati accountable for her crimes and avoid helping her pander pity and undeserved sympathy for her great harm to others. Sad Kati is not the victim here and giving her sympathy for her horrendous crimes against others is very inappropriate.

Our sympathy should be reserved for her victims, not her. She is the rapist and her her husband and sister are the rape victims.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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2cents, just so you know, most OW characterize themselves as big victims in order to justify their vile behavior. They typically play the victim card so they don't have to take accountability for their crimes. In truth, they are master manipulators and pandering pity is part of the game.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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not trying to say she was a rape victim - just was trying to illustrate that there are truly some horrible cases out there so she should stop feeling sorry for herself and do the right thing.

in any case, she is trying to do the right thing right now and the whole subject of the thread is telling her husband she had the affair, which isn't ever easy but she's trying to do what's right (finally) and coming here for support.
So I don't want to be judging - I want to be encouraging.

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Originally Posted by twocents
in any case, she is trying to do the right thing right now and the whole subject of the thread is telling her husband she had the affair, which isn't ever easy but she's trying to do what's right (finally) and coming here for support.
So I don't want to be judging - I want to be encouraging.

And we want to be encouraging too. I agree with you there! But she has to be accountable in order to recover. If she goes to her husband playing the victim card, it will not go well. She needs to do the right thing and start being accountable for her crimes.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The poster who started this thread joined on 10/6 and posted for a 5 hour span. She hasn't been back. Let's see if she is interested or not before we put any more time into this one...


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by Sad_Kati
nothing except he didnt tell my husband anything... every time i asked him to let me go to release me from this fiasco he wouldn't he would threaten my sister to me and say that bad things would happen... I didn't know what to do.. so I tried to placate until i just couldn't anymore... then I told my sister everything...

I think you would agree with me that you were in WAY over your head, and didn't have what it took to get yourself out or better yet, to not to begin with.

So the solution to this should have been to tell your husband. He would have been much stronger and more rational to deal with this than you.

Now that I'm thinking about it, you could have told your husband at any point and it would have lessened the pain. If you told him about the credit card debt then you would have to deal with the debt, but not the affair. If you told him when your BIL asked to sleep with you then you would have to deal with the debt, going around your husband, and the BIL, but not the affair. If you slept with him once, then you would have to deal with the debt, going around your husband, the BIL, your sister, and a one time incident of unfaithfulness.

Instead you choose to lie and lie and lie some more, and now you get to deal with the entire mess. Now the last thing you want to do is tell the truth, but that is the deal with lying, you dig your own grave. Now you have to make a choice, you either start telling the truth (and I mean all of it, no trickle truth or half truth) or you continue to lie and dig your grave even deeper.

Once you tell the truth, your husband may want to divorce you, but you MUST NOT PLAY VICTIM. You need to own your mistakes and start getting VERY serious about never lying again. Be the best wife you can be and don't blame shift or try to remove yourself from being accountable. If you don't do those things then you marriage may have a chance, but if you do then you WILL loose your husband.

Go pick up a copy of surviving an affair and start reading it right now. Start following the steps outlined and do everything you can to rebuild trust.

If you end up divorced, then that may be the price you must pay, but you must learn from this and never lie again. If you can learn from your mistakes you will ultimately be ok, but if not, then you will be stuck here.

If it were me, and I knew for certain my wife had permanently changed, and that she was never going to be dangerous to me or our kids, then I would pack my house, wife, and kids, and move to the opposite side of the country and never look back, but that would require her to completely own her stuff, otherwise I wouldn't take the chance.


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Like I said - she was here for a few hours about two weeks ago. Just a fly-by, I suspect. I hope I'm wrong smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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