Let me say that I love my husband very much. He is my life and my world. We have been married for 15 yrs and it has been rocky. I wanted to have a baby with him and he doesn't want to have any more kids. We both have a child from previous relationships. His first wife cheated on him and got pregnant with that man's child and my husband now swears that if I cheat there are no second chances. Well, I cheated. Not because I was attracted to the man but because he is like Rumplestilskin. You make a deal with him is like making a deal with the devil.

About 5 yrs ago I had gotten my husband and myself into credit card debt and worse the cards were in my husband's name with him none the wiser. I had been working 55 hrs a week and using the over time to pay the cards. My hours were cut and I couldn't make the payments. So I fell behind. Long story short I went to my boss who is my brother in law (he is married to my twin sister)for a loan through the company to help me get the cards back to being manageable so my husband wouldn't find out. So I could save my marriage. I was trying to pay them off and to turn to the straight and narrow. I do have to say that my "boss" did say that maybe I should tell my husband about the cards but I was so afraid my husband would divorce me over them that I said I couldn't tell him. Just please give me the loan through the company and I could pay it off and the cards..

He said no let's keep it personal. Longer story shorter.. he proposed me sleeping with him and he would help me make those cards and debts dissappear.

I turned him down at first but then the creditors starting calling my husbands work. I went back to my Brother n law (Boss) and again asked him for a company loan... He said he only helps people who are committed to him. People who will be there for him. I was desparate and finally agreed. The agreement was to meet him 4 times a year. It physically made me sick to meet him and I told him I couldn't do this.. but that line had been drawn.. little by little the demands of my time got more and more. I did demand though that I never am not home when my husband is home. I always made sure that I spent so much more time with my husband to make up for spending 2 hrs with the hated one.

I hate that man more than I hate anyone. I told him to pay this much attention to his wife and his marriage would be golden.. This man , my boss, my Brother n law, is a mean, hateful man when he is crossed. Amiable when you are agreeing with him and totally possessed by the devil the next second when you disagree or go against him.

Well, my husband found out about the credit cards 3 yrs ago and we've been working on those and he's started trusting me again. My "boss" hasn't helped me with those or anything else in over 3 yrs and all along I've been begging him to just let me go to let me have my marriage. To let me be the wife my husband deserves, but he keeps dragging my sister and how i help their relationship and how things could be so much worse for my sister... anyway, off and on through out the start of this 4 yrs ago I can put him off for months at a time and this past year to current I was able to keep him away from me for almost 6 months but then my sister started suspecting he was having an affair with another employee of his (which could be true) and all heck broke loose. This employee works one desk away from me and she is the golden child at work. She can do no wrong.. anyway, "boss" asked me again if I would be in his life and I said No That I cannot not that I love my husband so much and that this would kill him and our marriage to please just let it go.. well, that didn't end well and now I am afraid that he is going to sue me for all monies and gifts he gave and bought me during our time (even though I asked for nothing of him except the help with the cards, I just wanted out)
I told my sister of what had been going on and she understood. He is a "B word and that he has been after both of us since we were 16. She said it wasn't my fault and she still loves me.. Now , the hardest part for me is telling my husband that I totally screwed up our marriage and compounded a major mistake with the credit cards with an even worse one. My heart is breaking... please help me..

Welcome to MB.

Go to your BH and tell him the truth. He deserves to know.

I do plan on telling him this weekend. It's just tearing my heart out. I so hope he will forgive me and understand that I didn't set out to have an affair. I know it is probably over but I just wanted a few more days with him before I tell him.

Go to him and tell him now. Tell him about MB and have him come here so we may help him.

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Tell him now. BH will need all the time he has before he goes off to work Monday morning to be able to half donkey function at his job.

Tell him the truth, and then beg him to recover your marriage. You have been incredibly selfish in your marriage. He will be stunned. Get on your knees if you need to.

Get it done.

I don't see how i was being selfish... I was doing everything i could not to disrupt his life and to make it a good place... I asked someone i trusted for help to keep my marriage solid and he took advantage of that... (just like most men in my life) only My husband is different.. he is a good man and I do not know how to handle that but I have been learning. It took me getting into this mess to realize what a man I have and I am trying to keep him...

You thought sleeping with another man (repeatedly) would be less "disruptive" to your husband than telling him you had some debt you were unable to pay, and you don't see how you were being selfish?

Something smells fishy about this story.

Well Kati, you can start by helping yourself. No one here can help you if you aren't willing to put on your big girl panties and get to work changing YOU first. And that starts by being an honest person. Let's face it, right now, you aren't. Period. The end.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, what are you going to do about it?

I'm posting to you right now for one reason only. I'm a twice betrayed man, so I have an understanding of how your husband may react and feel. In my case, I found out both of mine by accident. The first was bad, but the second was WAY WAY worse. You still have a slim chance to help him (and your marriage) by being completely honest with him about everything, and now, before he has a chance to find out on his own.

And you can bet your [censored].....he will! It's just a matter of time, so you have none to spare.

SadKati, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place if you are willing to do the right thing. And that is to tell everyone, starting with your husband, what you have done. It also means quitting your job and never being around your BIL again.

It will be important to tell your entire family, including your children, what you have done to them.. Affair affect everyone, so they have a right to know. The rest of your family should be told so they can protect themselves from you and your BIL. They have to also be told that your families can never be invited to the same events again, because complete no contact is the only way to recover.

What you have done is incredibly selfish and cruel and I dearly hope you plan on taking accountability for your behavior when you tell your husband. If you won't take full accountability for this, then you are not safe for him.

No, you did something incredibly selfish and cruel to cover your OWN [censored]. Don't use this spin on your husband. Don't compound the crime with clintonesque bullcrap. Don't add insult to injury if you want to have any hope of recovery.

He didn't take advantage of anything. You CHOSE to allow him to aid you in betraying your marriage vows. Don't even think it's not completely selfish on your part.

If you've been doing the right and unselfish things, then why doesn't everyone know about it, and why don't you want to scream it from the nearest mountaintop?

If it's right, you want people to know about it. If it's not?

Well.............

Let me see.. You thought racking up credit card debt, lying about it and then covering up your crime by shagging YOUR OWN SISTERS HUSBAND was not disruptive?

MY GOD.

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS PERSON.

Does the **edit** get any deeper than that? You did a little more than "disrupt" his life, you RUINED his life with your despicable behavior. You ruined your sister's life. You ruined your JOB. You disrupted your extended family's life because your affair with your own sisters husband means you can never be around that family again when your sister is there. You are the OW in your sisters life, her worst nightmare.

I can't imagine anything more "disruptive." You have wrecked many lives by trying to cover your crimes, Madam.

Most importantly, her own life.

Kati, you came here looking for something. What is that something? If you came here looking for an easy way out of this train wreck that you have created, then you have come to the wrong place.

If you're looking for a place to hit rock bottom and build yourself (and possibly your marriage) back up, then you are definitely in the right place.

It's up to you. The right way is never the easy way in cases like yours. You've spent a lifetime cheating, stealing, and lying so I'm sure it will be a tough habit to break. But it can be broken.

You up for it? Start with telling your BH EVERYTHING!!!!

And tonight.

Boy... I am intending on telling my husband... but I was and am the selfish one by trying to get help from another family memeber only to have him take advantage of me by knowing my weak leak is my husband and all of you are saying i am the selfish one... I am going to tell my husband because it is the right thing to do.. but have any of you men out there been repeatedly taken advantage of by friends or family and you finally find the right guy and you don't know how to deal with it? I am finding that i can trust my husband but it has taken years to be able to do so.. not because of him but because i had issues prior to our relationship and I told him that... yes, i accepted the deal from my BIL but i also expected him to do the right thing and help me because he could and because he was family... if he had helped me in the right way.. i would've evenutally told my husband of the debt. Yes, I screwed it up and i am willing to pay for that but to say that i was the only selfish party is wrong.. and just so you know.. my family was never invited to any of his (BIL's) family gatherings.. he believes my and my sister's family is sub standard and below his level and doesn't include us in his family events.. like i said... he is evil and he knows how to hide it...

The Harleys have a saying around here "there may be reasons for an affair but NEVER excuses".

Take responsibility for your actions. Do not make excuses of "being taken advantage of".

for your information.. the man i ruined my life for is a dispicable man.... he is a manipulator and an angry person without help.. he held a gun to my sisters head and hit her with his car... my sister knows what type of man he is and understands how this could have happened... he had been after me since both of us were 16 yrs old.. he is mental but no one really knows how far.. now we do.. and I have known for quite a while.. so thank you all for your input and i hope to God you all come in to contact with someone like him in your life.. because then you'll come crying too.. thanks for for support..

Have you told your BH yet? Bring him here so we can help him.

Bring your sister here so we can help her.

The problem is that your husband cannot trust YOU because you are extremely untrustworthy to the point of being dangerous to him. What you have done to your husband and your sister is downright evil. You cannot blame your partner in crime for your part in all this. You fully intended to deceive your husband about your credit card debt and then colluded and plotted with your own sister's husband to commit adultery in an attempt to further deceive your husband.

So yes, you were profoundly selfish and evil to your husband and your sister. You have caused enormous damage to both marriages and to your family origin.

Your judgement is so profoundly BAD that your husband needs to know everything you do so he can protect himself from you. In order for him to ever get over this, you are going to have to give him access to everything and live a completely transparent lifestyle. People who are this reckless need many others in their lives to hold them accountable, so the more people who know the better.

You do realize you can't continue to work there, right?

Kati, what are you looking for here?

Seriously, what are you looking for?