ok.. last post.. you people don't understand because you haven't been in my shoes... I know what i did was wrong.. but it wasn't selfish it was misguided and it was .. it just was... I am doing the right thing now... so thank you for your heartfelt support and advocating a man who will take advantage of a person asking for help and using his lifelong relationship to turn it into something bad.. Just like my uncle did when he raped me and got me prgenant and like my mothers boyfriends' I am not saying that i didn't know what what going on just that i didn't know how to handle it and i handled it wrong.. I am sorry and I am very sorry that finally i can get the [censored] out of my life (the BIL) not my husband whom I love beyond belief...

Are you in any position to hold moral judgment over anyone?

You are not the victim here, dear. And if you continue to play the victim card, then your husband would be wise to divorce you.

You did know how to handle the problem. You know its wrong to lie and deceive. You know its wrong to commit adultery. So don't say you didn't know what to do. If you don't know right from wrong, you should be locked up.

Being raped does not entitle you to consider all the other bad choices of your life as "misguided" and "not your fault".

The sooner you realize that the better.

SadKati, if you want to make this right, then drop the victim angle because it won't work. The only victims here are your husband and your sister. Go to your husband on bended knee, confess what you have done and pledge to make it right. No excuses, no twisted bill clinton rationalizations, just a truthful, sincere confession and an offer to make it right.

From there, quit your job and expose the affair to your workplace, your kids, pastor, and family members. Offer to be so transparent with your husband that he can watch you and hold you completely accountable.

Be apologetic and ready to make amends. And DO NOT play the victim card. Your husband and your sister are the victims and you are the rapist. It is up to YOU to make amends and do what it takes to heal your husband.

SK

You knew the Devil's (BIL wanting to get in your pants) game yet you played it with him?

Covering one lie with another and your a victim?

A simple phrase to practice-

No-I won't do that.

nESRE

You knew all of this about him, and yet you still slept with him, just to keep your husband from finding out about your debt? You really don't see the selfishness involved in that decision?

There are plenty of "reasons" people have affairs, but there are no excuses. Stop making excuses for your poor decisions and take responsibility for what you have done. You need to do this before you tell your husband, because if you go to him and start spouting off all of the excuses you've been tossing around here, this isn't going to go very well. Your husband would be wise to kick you to the curb if you start telling him what you've been telling us. You've taken NO responsibility for your own actions at all.

WE do understand very well; much better than you do. You are the least objective person on this thread and are very much in denial about the despicable things you have done. You have justified your evil by portraying yourself as a victim in your foggy, deceitful mind. You deserve no sympathy, Madam. All the sympathy should be reserved for your victims.

what mel said x2. this is EXACTLY what you need to do. so stop reading for right now and go do the bold bit right now. then you can come back and we can try and help you salvage something out of this train wreck.

Don't be stupid and play the victim card with your husband if you want to have any hope of saving this. We are trying to tell you how ridiculous you sound. You sound like Bill Clinton blaming them "evil ole Republicans" for getting caught red handed.

A person who is truly remorseful doesn't blame others and doesn't cite the wrongdoings of others. They take full accountability for their crimes..

Let's do a little math, shall we? You started this "deal" 4 years ago to hide the credit cards, and it's been going on ever since. But your husband found out about the credit cards 3 years ago. So for three years...what were you getting out of this "deal"?

i have told my sister and she is in complete agreement because she knows how her husband is... and has always been... she doesn't blame me or hate me... i do that all by myself... she doesn't need help..

nothing except he didnt tell my husband anything... every time i asked him to let me go to release me from this fiasco he wouldn't he would threaten my sister to me and say that bad things would happen... I didn't know what to do.. so I tried to placate until i just couldn't anymore... then I told my sister everything...

You did a horrible, despicable thing to your sister. Just because she doesn't blame you doesn't mean you are not to blame. You are fully to blame for sleeping with her husband just to get money from him so you could deceive your husband.

Your utter lack of remorse is alarming and disturbing. It makes me wonder if there is not something very wrong here.

]
More blameshifting, more excuses. Did you read our posts telling you this won't work?

YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM!

Don't know if I should be saying this with all the trouble I'm still going through but Sadkati take a look a that sentence. He is a manipulator. Well look at yourself very hard right now and dig deep and what do you see.

What I see is a manipulator. Right now and for the past few years you have been manipulating your husband into thinking he is in a safe and loving marriage. For the past few years you have been manipulating him into thinking nothing is wrong which includes the debt all the way down to the adultery.

Dig deep Sadkati, do you see the similarities.

Tell your husband the truth right now because I can guarantee that the pain that he is going to feel is going to be far worse than the pain you would have felt if you told him about the debt four years ago.

since my last post to you i have hemmed a pair of curtains, installed a new printer, had a muffin & cuppa, and read my entire rss feed for the last 4 days. why haven't you told your husband yet?

what is your purpose here? we don't care about what kind of person your OM is, or how bad you say you feel, or what happened in your past. you said you wanted help in telling your husband. that has been provided. the next step is to go do it. then come back for the help you're going to need.

do you want to deal with the mess you've made, or not? there are other posters who need help if you're not here to get some.

Was this reported to the police? Why isn't he in jail? If he was making threats to harm your sister why haven't you informed the police. Do you want her to end up dead?

Glad to see you returned even after you said you were done. See the thing is that the people on MB don't sugar coat anything. They give it to you how it is. They understand more than anyone what an affair is, the damage it causes, and just how foggy Waywards are when they come to this site.

I came on here as a Wayward expecting sympathy and forgiveness for my horrible crimes against my family. I told my story as the victim with a million reasons and excuses for what I did.

What I got was the cold, hard, HONEST, truth that I was NOT the victim and I made my bed, I HAD TO SLEEP IN IT!

I wanted to run very far away from this site but even after all of the horrible things that people were saying about ME, I kept coming back. Why? Because I knew that it was the truth.

Telling your Husband is going to be one of the hardest things that you will do, but it will be the bravest and most honest thing you can do for yourself and everyone that you have destroyed in your selfish path...and yes it was very selfish.
Dishonesty is always the easiest and MOST DISHONEST route!!

I was you, full of excuses, playing the victim, it wasn't my fault. It doesn't matter what kind of person your BIL is. No one here is saying that he is NOT an evil, despicable, horrible man, but YOU ALLOWED him to take advantage of you. You made the choices that you made. Now the only thing you can do is start being honest with everyone, including yourself and rebuilding your life based on honesty and accountability.

I am not here to judge you, I am here to help you. I have been in your shoes and have to work really hard every day to stay out of them.

Stay on this site, let the MB people help you. It will not be easy but it will be worth it!

Kati, if you were to own up FULLY to your part in this two things would happen.

The vets here would stop bashing you to 'get it' because you would have shown that you now do get it.

And your husband is more likely to trust someone who 'gets' it.

If you go to him with blameshifting and excuses, and ludicrous claims that he 'made you' - he will rightly consider you as someone who cant be trusted to take personal responsibility. If you cant do that, what is to stop you making another mess like this?

Your failure to take personal responsibility is historic. You must demonstrate to your husband that this will change in future if you wish to avoid divorce. But you dont even seem to have a clue that you have even been selfish by indulging in so many lies and cover-ups.

In order to get the best response from your husband you must tell him that you know how much you've failed him. I would own up to the fact that you failed to take accountability and prostituted yourself (use that word, to display honesty)
simply to avoid taking personal responsibility.

I will spell out your failures to do this, which you should include in your apology to your husband so he knows you get it.

Kati, I hope and pray you have it in you to do this, and offer this man a loving and healthy recovery if he wants it.

I will post some tips for your apology, which will follow