My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We met, became friends, and a short month after we began dating, we eloped. It was a whirlwind military romance. The military separated us for 8 months within only 3 weeks of us being married. I was 18 at the time, and stupid, and I cheated, physically, 4 times, emotionally 1 time, during this 8 month separation. I never once lied to my husband about the cheating, and every time we talked on the phone I confessed all, and every time he would forgive me, ask me not to do it again, and try to move on. I was terrible, and selfish. I knew I could never forgive myself and that I needed to get away from this man that I kept on hurting, and couldn�t seem to stop hurting. So I asked him for a divorce, I was sick of hurting him, so sick of it. He wouldn�t give me a divorce, saying that I could hurt him until the day he died, but he would always want to be with me. After hearing that, and really believing him, I decided to change, and to never hurt him like that again.

I guess I never realized how much he truly loved me and how much I truly loved him. We went to counseling and he always said, I forgive you, I forgive you. It took me awhile to forgive myself, but I managed to after a few years. Within 2 months of us recommitting to each other (after that 8 month period), we became pregnant with our first child. It was a happy moment. We were blissfully happy, or so I thought. We had a wonderful 3 years, no betrayals or infidelity, and always complete honesty, always. We also attended annual marriage maintenance. We decided to try for another child and now have a 6 month old baby as well as our 3 year old, and I can�t forget my almost 12 year old stepdaughter as well (though she does not live with us).

When my stepdaughter was visiting us for Christmas week this past year, I was helping her with some math problems. I reached for my husband�s phone to use the calculator and saw messages between himself and a girl. I quietly tried to take the phone to a location away from our three children so I could see to what extent these message were bad� He chased me around the house, carrying our infant, and when I tried to lock myself in the bathroom he bodyslammed the door while holding our child, bodyslammed it so hard that my back (which was propped against the wall, my feet against the door) broke through the wall and created a deep crack there. He finally gave up when I began reading some of the love notes and cybersex chats aloud. He realized I had discovered all. So he gave up.

Right after that I managed to get him to give me passwords to email accounts and xbox accounts and found pictures and more communications between them. I slapped him once (which I know was wrong, I was so upset) and then he had to go take his daughter to the airport (she was flying back from Christmas break that day). He said, I may not come back or if you keep reading through those messages I may as well not come back. To which I got worried, told him I loved him, asked him if he was thinking of hurting himself, and vowed to stop looking through the messages.

Then he left, with his 12 year old, and I cried, while holding my infant and my 3 year old I cried.

We talked that evening. He explained how ever since I cheated on him and told him time after time after time (which he mentioned he wished I hadn�t told him and just had decided to change without him knowing), I created this scar, and he has tried to truly forgive me but every time I didn�t speak to him nicely or treated him with disrespect or looked at him like he was dumb, I caused that scar to hurt more and more and more. And I know, I speak very badly to him. I am nicer to strangers than to him, I have gotten way too comfortable with him. I demand instead of request. I interrupt instead of listen. I overreact instead of answer. I take things very hard, even little things like jokes and suggestions. All of these things made him not want to open up to me, made him realize he just couldn�t do this anymore. Realize that, I guess, our marriage was over.

I didn�t know. Two days before I found out about the infidelity we had taken family pictures and looked so happy, so whole, so full of love. The week before we had been talking about where we wanted to be buried together. The month before we had scheduled our dual wills appointment. 6 months before we had celebrated the birth of our second child. A year before we had purchased our first home together. And now this�

I went through a week of mixed emotions, dressing younger, sexier, getting drunk, crying, screaming, withdrawing. Then we started going to a Chaplain for counseling. In that second week, my husband told me that he loves her more than me. He cried more when he said that then he had cried at any other time since the discovery of this� He had convulsions and passed out on the floor. He hyperventilated.

Now, since then, he says he can�t sincerely say he wants to kiss me. He has been holding me less. I have to ask for hugs� And we don�t have sex.

Should I even want these things? I don�t know if I should, but I want to feel loved, and after reading some of the Love Languages book, I know my primary language is physical love. But he says he doesn�t know how he feels.

I asked him to tell me if he is still in contact with her, he said he would. But then I found out he was still in contact with her (I had emailed her and she sent me the messages they had exchanged). He swore on his children�s lives that he wasn�t in contact with her. And yet, he was. Later on he told me he was just testing me� to see how I would react I guess?

He asks why I am showing him how much I love him now, as opposed to showing him back before I knew. He sees it so much more now. I say because I never realized there was a possibility of me losing him. After I had hurt him so bad 4 years ago, and he stayed, I didn�t think anything could make him want to leave me, not after he stayed after going through that. But I was wrong and selfish to think that way, and I should have put more work in. I know that. And I admit my guilt. He says it seems as though I am loving him for me and not for him. Like a selfish love, I guess. I hadn�t ever thought of it that way, but I asked how I could show him I love him for him, selflessly. He said to give him what he needed. Time to figure this out on his own. No more checking his emails and xbox and accounts at all, no more questions about if he is committed or not, no more asking about her. Just give him time. I deleted all of his accounts from my access, I deleted my account that had her information in it. I deleted all correspondence that I had saved on my computers and all information in my phone. I have not looked on his accounts or checked up on him since the 12th. And I have sworn not to.

It has been almost 20 days since I found out about this relationship (entirely online, with some skype and pictures and xbox live chatting, messaging) and he has not once said he regrets it. He has not once said he thought it was wrong. He has not once said he is committed to me and to our family. He says he wants to say it, but he cannot, because he does not genuinely feel like he is committed to us. He could still be contacting her for all I know. He could be trying to find a way to leave us. But I have chosen to forgive, to trust and to love him. He did so for me, after what I had done to him, and I must do so for him, not just because it�s �fair� but because I just love him so much. I cannot forget, so that is why I am here, telling you all this, looking for advice on how to move forward.

I know there is nothing I can do to change him, but I can change myself. I study his love language every day, I wake up earlier and prepare his coffee and his lunch. I take over a bit more with the children, I bake him pie and make his favorite foods, I voice my appreciation every day. I allow him full privacy if he asks for it, and I grant him the time he requests with his friends, out bowling, or even on xbox live. I am changing everything I can, but still trying to stay me. I still have breaking points. I have crying fits� afterwards he says he is sorry for making me cry. But I recover, I clean up, I go to work, I am a good mother. I have even been working on not asking for physical affection as much (though I failed this morning, he didn�t want to really give me a kiss, only a peck, because I had lipstick on, though that never really stopped him before, so I kind of pushed for a bit more intimacy in the kiss). I am working on it though�

So here I am. The Chaplain wants us to read His Needs, Her Needs, when we are done with Love Languages. So I looked it up online and found this. And just need advice. What can I do? How can I change myself to make it easier for him to show me what he showed her, sexually and emotionally? How can I make amends, again, for how badly I hurt him in the past and continued to hurt him by not showing him respect? How can I show him that I am truly making a permanent change to always respect him and show him love the way I should? What can I do to enable him to say, �I am committed to you. I did so wrong by you. I love you more than anything else. I am yours and yours alone, for now and for always.�?

Welcome!

loveispatient, there are so many things that you and your husband are doing the wrong way that I can't even find a place to start. I would suggest that you read the links that are the first post of this forum Start Here and come back here. You need to understand the concepts of Policy of Radical Honesty as well as how to accomplish exposure.

I would also suggest that read "Surviving an Affair" rather than His Needs Her Needs at this time.

~RQ

Hi LIP, welcome to Marriage Builders. There are very specific steps that have to be taken in order to recover from an affair. And you and your husband are taking none of them, unfortunately. The book you need to be using is Surviving an Affair, not Love Languages and not His Needs, Her Needs.

The first step in saving your marriage is for your husband to end his affair with this OW and open his life up to you entirely. You should have access to all his phones, email accounts, etc. Everything. He should not have anything that is "private" from you. All of your leisure time should be spent together. He should be held accountable in every way if you want to save your marriage.

Forgiveness is very inappropriate when it comes to affairs. Forgiveness means to erase the debt as if it never happened, but that is harmful to your marriage. It is in his best interest to give you just compensation for his affair.

Please go read the links in the first thread in this forum and take a look at Dr Harley's concepts of forgiveness:

here

"I know there is nothing I can do to change him, but I can change myself. I study his love language every day, I wake up earlier and prepare his coffee and his lunch. I take over a bit more with the children, I bake him pie and make his favorite foods, I voice my appreciation every day. I allow him full privacy if he asks for it, and I grant him the time he requests with his friends, out bowling, or even on xbox live. I am changing everything I can, but still trying to stay me. I still have breaking points. I have crying fits� afterwards he says he is sorry for making me cry. But I recover, I clean up, I go to work, I am a good mother. I have even been working on not asking for physical affection as much (though I failed this morning, he didn�t want to really give me a kiss, only a peck, because I had lipstick on, though that never really stopped him before, so I kind of pushed for a bit more intimacy in the kiss). I am working on it though�"



This is a positive step.
I encourage you to continue doing this.
In the meantime I suggest you read Surviving an Affair By dr Willard Harley.
Your husband is having an active affair.
You should expose his affair immediately. Exposure kills affairs faster than any other action. You can expose his affair by first reporting it to the Inspector General.

You should also expose the affair to the tramps family and friends on Facebook, Try to find out who her parents are and call them and let them know she is having an affair with your husband.

Call his parents and ask for their help.
Call your parents and friends.

If he is unwilling to leave the affair in 2 weeks then you should plan to separate from him. So you will need to visit an attorney in the near future too

I have read the links, but I feel as though it is too late for exposure, and I also feel as though it is not smart... Adultery is still a punishable crime in the military.

I've looked into Plan A and Plan B, however, I just don't know how I feel about him being away from the children, until he is ready to recommit to me? Days, weeks, months? That seems like it would be more of a punishment to them.

loveispatient, it is not too late for exposure. Exposure is the first step to killing the affair. And there are many on here who were exposed to the IG's office AND are recovering their marriages. It is best your chance so how can you say it is not smart?

It is only smart if you want to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping his affair a secret helps it thrive and grow. The longer you enable him and ignore the problem, the more entrenched his affair grows. Why would you do that?

As Dr Harley has stated, it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler...


Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from staying in such abusive situations. It is obvious that your husband is having an affair and it will destroy your mental health to compete for him. It also makes you look very unattractive to HIM to compete for him. Do you realize that?

So what? Adultery is taken very seriously because adultery/lies/cheating are so very dangerous.


Why are you on this forum? Are you here to use the MB methods, or not? We will not bother ourselves if you do not want to use Dr Harley's Plans.

How To Survive Infidelity

Thank you all for your advice. I am ready to purchase the book and continue to implement Plan A, while trying not to ignore my emotional needs.

I will need help, so please allow me to still come here for advice.

I have a question now.

Should I tell his office (coworkers, supervisor)? Should I tell his friends and mine (I've only told one friend, and not the whole story)? Should I tell his dad (a pastor) and mom? Brother and sister in law (they live close)? Should I tell my office (boss and supervisor)?

Or should I just tell the IG?

I would put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone and find out who it is. When you get the details, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

Did you read my Exposure 101 thread?

And yes, the answer is you should tell all those people.

I know who it is, I have information. I have passwords, I have been choosing not to use them to check on him per his request since the 12th. I have some information printed, but most electronic information I have deleted.

If you tell the IG or anyone in his command, be prepared for his career to be over. As I don't recommend keeping the affair a secret, telling his command will not just impact him, it will adversely affect you and the children as well. It's a tough choice to make and I would give it some thought before proceeding. I do recommend that you tell his family, your family, and friends.

I read the exposure 101 thread. I do not know if I should email the message or tell these people in person or on the phone? Email would be quickest. Phone would be more personal, but difficult because I don't have all the numbers. In person would be most difficult... for me.

I worry that if I email it he will get into trouble through the military justice system. However, the military requires proof of sexual act... and this was all online.

Should I include my infidelity in the message as well, it is from 4-5 years ago... but i mean exposure is exposure. Most people who really know us, know about it...

Then you are prepared to expose. You should start snooping on him again so you can continue to collect evidence and hold him accountable. Don't tell him you are snooping or he will just go further underground.

And whatever you do, don't dispose of any more evidence. You need to keep that.

Who is the affair with? Is this a married woman?

I am pretty sure that he cannot face any real legal action as long as the fact that the entire affair was online is clear. Emotional Cheating or Emotional Adultery, I'm pretty sure, are not punishable...

The woman is not married, just someone he met, states away, through his video games he plays online.

Just use your judgement. Typically it is a good idea to call parents and the affair partners spouse and email others.


If he gets in trouble, it will be because of his affair so don't worry about that. He should get in trouble.


No, because it is irrelevant to the issue at hand. The purpose is to kill his affair. Your affairs are over.

Sure. Briefly.

"As many of you know, our marriage has already suffered one infidelity. Mine in (year). Now, another infidelity is threatening our marriage, WH's." <~~~~ Just an example of how to handle your previous infidelity.

It is highly doubtful he would be kicked out of the military anyway. In about 99% of the cases we have had here, the IG issued a no contact order and that was the end of that.

But it is good to inform the military because they can force no contact and keep an eye on him at work.

ARe you sure about this? Does she have a facebook page?

Have you done a search on this woman to see if she is married? What about intelius.com or peoplefinder.com? That will usually indicate if there is a spouse.

I am feeling so much fear right now, right before exposure and even just now, checking my husband's account (he can see when someone other than him is on his account, though he gave the Chaplain his passwords too...). I know he knows I was on there... and I am worried about his reaction. This is probably normal fear, I need to worry less about him threatening to leave and more about what kind of marriage and commitment I deserve.

I have done a search, she is not married.

You make the effort earn/build the marriage you desire to have. Today.

Have you ever tried to drive your car only by looking in the rear view mirror?

Your last line says it all. However if he gets violent or hits you report him.

Can you download and place spyware on his computer? That would be a more effective way to spy on him. Do it in a way that he can't see you looking. Do you have access to his computer while he is at work?

Is spying necessary? I do not believe I can do that. Check on him with his knowledge, have full access with his knowledge - yes. But I trust him, still, enough to not spy on him. Which I guess might be considered stupid.

We ate lunch together today and I was having trouble focusing and fighting back an emotional outburst... I held back tears. There was a lady in the lunch line who joked with him about his food choices. He said he didn't know who she was... Just made me more emotional. So when I just called him to let him know I had logged into his account, he said that he had logged in as well, right after lunch, because I had been acting "weird". I asked if it was to delete stuff, he said no, that he just wanted to see if I had been in there. I asked why he was checking on me. He didn't really have an answer. He said he hasn't been on that account in awhile... And though I believe him, when I look at the account activity it shows that he was on there once yesterday and a bunch on Monday...

I will be sending this note out, either in email form tomorrow (I do not have the email addresses I need to send this) or in paper form (I can drop the notes off tomorrow). Please let me know if this looks like an ok exposure note. I may just have to call and read the note, as I think I only have phone numbers for some of the people...

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WH and I. As many of you know, our marriage has already suffered a series of calamities in the form of infidelity. Mine in 2008. Now, another infidelity is threatening our marriage, WH's. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that he has been carrying on an internet affair with an XBOX friend, which has transcended to include email, chats and Skype. The purpose of the break in his commitment to me is so that he can decide whether or not to end this marriage or to carry on his affair without my interference.

He refuses to end the affair outright and recommit to me. I want, with all of my heart and soul, our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end, there must be commitment.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WH to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair completely and recommit to our love. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. Please

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

That is not a wise approach, LIP. You already know your husband is not trustworthy. You know he is hiding something from you and you need to know WHAT that is so you can fix the problem.

You have a wrongheaded approach to spying and I would like you to reconsider that. Spying is a virtue in that it allows you to create trust and protect your marriage from harm. You can't do that if you don't know what he does behind your back. Do you think that it is sleazy for the police to spy on drug dealers? Or would you admit that it is a virtue because it enables them to stop the wrongdoing and protect the public?

You have a right and a need to know each and everything he does because it is your business too. No one has a right to the privacy to destroy their spouse. So, please discard these wrongheaded notions about spying.

You completely negate the benefit of spying when you tell him what you are doing. Do you see that? You can't stop his affair by informing him of your actions.

And you do understand that he should not be forewarned about your exposure, right?

I would reword that to include her full name and town.

What have you been able to find out about this woman? Is she on facebook?

She is not on facebook... I have found out plenty, and was in contact with her. I am no longer. Thank you for looking this over.

I will not forewarn him of exposure.

However "love rejoices with the truth, it always protects, love trusts" corinthians 13:4-8. I worry that I am not showing my love for him if I am being sneaky and not completely open and transparent. How can I ask him to do something I am not willing to do as well?

You are misinterpreting that scripture in a horrendous way. It is not evil to catch someone doing something wrong; it is evil to commit adultery. You can't equate the two things.

Do you think it is "lurve" to enable your husband to destroy your marriage and commit sins in secret? No, it is not. The Bible does not tell you to allow evil to thrive.

Your Bible tells you to expose evil and have no association with the deeds of darkness. That is what you do by enabling his secrets. You can't expose his deeds if you don't spy and find out what he is doing. And you can't stop his evil behavior if you don't drag it out into the sunlight.

It is not a sin to spy. It is a sin to commit infidelity. Please don't confuse the two and get so hung up on this little issue that you lose the entire battle. You are fighting the dark forces in defense of your marriage. You have to be shrewd and can't give your battle plan to the enemy.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John 3:20-21.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Thank you for your response. I am currently in the process of discovering my relationship with God and my interpretation of the Bible is still quite� na�ve?

I will consider the spyware� actually really think on it, not just say I will consider it and disregard, but really try to figure out if I am going to do it or not.

I added dates and name to the message. I will probably try to find their email addresses tomorrow and send the message out. I will do it all at once to include family, though I could call family tonight and send the email to coworkers tomorrow... What do you all suggest? All coworkers (there are 4 in his immediate work center, they�re all buddies)? Or just supervisor and friends?

I sent my workplace exposure on OM side to everyone. In response the POSOM signed me up on swinger sites using my email address. I thought that was hilarious! I would say everyone nothing like a little shame to make someone wake up out of a fantasy.

I know I have endless questions but...

He has reluctantly scheduled another session with the Chaplain for tomorrow, not because I pressed him to, but because during our last session the Chaplain asked him to. I asked if he really wanted to go, my husband said I don't know. I asked if he would actually go, he said, we'll see tomorrow. So now I don't want to do the exposure until after our Chaplain's session tomorrow, because I have a feeling he really really won't want to go if everyone in his workcenter and family and friends know why he is going... Help?

Also, what do I say if he asks why I exposed him?

Do not hold off on exposure. Make sure its a complete exposure as well, pictures, texts, conversations. Last time I checked the Chaplain is an officer and he has to go no matter what or he's disobeying a direct order. If he asks why tell him your doing this to save your marriage. Do not argue with him. Have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you. If he gets violent report him.

This is how I would write it. Just keep it simple. You want to enlist their help. This is not the time to start feeling guilty about what you did in 2008. He is only bringing that up to silence you. He had the chance to leave you after it happened but he chose to forgive you and start a family with you. Now what kind of a man finds 'love' online and contemplates leaving a real family for some fantasy over the internet?

Do you know why his prior relationship did not work?
If you were 18 6 years ago and your stepdaughter is 12, he must have had a six-year-old child in those days. How come? Is he that much older than you? Why did this cradle robber cause an 18-year-old to elope? Is he a serial cheater? Those questions may not be urgent now, but would influence recovery.

I want to stress again, that he has no right to hold your behaviour of 5 years ago over your head. He is just doing it to shut you up. He has to make a decision. To be honest, I cannot imagine that he would move to the other side of the country for someone he does not really know, while he has a lovely wife (or so you have become) and to little children at home.

Regretfully, we know that wayward husbands do all kinds of weard things, so anything is possible. In the long run though, after a dose of reality, many come to see the silliness of it all.

Just show him what marriage with you can be like at its best and tell him, you want to have a fantastic marriage and to be a better wife, but that you will not tolerate his continued contact. Then he can go live with hist reverend father.

I wish you all the best and God's blessing

Happyheart

"i will do what it takes to save our marriage. would you like a cookie?"

your WH will be angry that you have exposed. this is good! do not allow his anger to sway you. he will be angry because you will have taken away the secrecy that allows his fantasy world to thrive. exposure puts it in the light, where it is not at all attractive. exposure is your best weapon in ending the affair.

i would shy away from any contact with the AP. she will only play you off each other.

also, you should not "trust" your WH. he is not deserving of your trust - trust has to be earned, not given blindly. you do him no favors when you reward him with trust for bad behaviour.

lastly, i hope you overcome your aversion to spying. how else will you get the full information to make a knowledgeable decision about your own life? transparency is going to be a prerequisite to recover your M.

There is not much reason to go to the chaplain if he is still in an affair. Your marriage will reap much greater benefit from exposure than going to the chaplain. I wouldn't use that as a reason to delay.

In exposure do I have to tell my family too, mom, dad, sister?

loveispatient, look at this another way:

If your husband stays in this affair -- an outcome which is much more likely if you don't expose -- then he won't really be the kind of person you'll want around.

If, on the other hand, exposure gives him pause and leads to the death of the affair, then this may well be something that he'll one day regard as a remarkable gift.

Let me tell you about a day that I'm grateful for:
I'm grateful for a day, just over 4 years ago, when I learned that the other woman's husband had snooped & uncovered evidence of the affair.
That's right. My affair.

No, I wasn't grateful at the time.

But what I'd somehow convinced myself was beautiful, special and acceptable under the black dusk of secrecy was ugly and horrendous -- as anyone, even I as I was then -- could start to realize, once it was under the full daylight of truth.

That exposure saved my marriage to an incredible woman. It saved my family. It may well have saved my life.

The man your husband is now is not worth doing this for. He's not worth anything more than a kick in the [censored] on his way out the door. But do this for the man he could become, because you may be saving his marriage, his family and even his life, so as to cause him to reflect one day & be grateful.

Yes, Wouldn't you want the support?

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

My family might be a bit more critical than supportive. "Leave that jerk." "How could he do that to my baby" etc.

EXPOSURE TO HIS COWORKERS AND FAMILY IS COMPLETE.

Just need exposure to his friend (he only has one good friend), my family and my coworkers. Waiting on email addresses... and I really don't want to tell my family.

Good job!

You should still expose to your family.
They may not be supportive of your marriage but they would be supportive of you and extra opinions don't hurt

You also need to contact the Inspector general

Why must I contact the IG?

You contact the IG because it is a violation of the UCMJ to engage in adultery.
The IG has the authority to issue a "No Contact" order between himself and any affair partner.

Because if you go through his chain command they will sweep it under the rug. Go to the IG and they will have to investigate.

I am on Chapter 6 of Surviving an Affair... and full exposure has been completed, to include my family, friends and coworkers.

I am still planning on meeting my husband at his job 10 minutes before our scheduled time with the Chaplain...

I am unsure if he will join me. After all, he will probably by then realize that most people in his office know of the ongoing affair.

I am worried he will refuse to go, even in front of everyone in his office.

Should I warn him that I am coming to meet him, or just surprise him in his office, right before the session with the Chaplain?

He just sent me an email saying he doesn't think he can "get away" for the session HE scheduled just yesterday...

Hold on. Full exposure has not been completed to the IG.
You need to do this

In the interim you also need to start planning for separation.

LIP, the next conversation I would have with him is a demand that he end his affair. Here are the steps I posted to another poster:

Now that exposure has been completed, I feel the need to tell him I exposed him. He does not seem to know yet, and I am unable to keep a secret from him.

He came to the Chaplain session, and it seemed like good counseling. I told the Chaplain one on one about the exposure and I don't know if his reaction was positive. I am reconsidering whether it was the right thing to do...

What you failed to tell him is that the author of the book he gave you recommends it! Told you he would show WS say anything to manipulate you into a crazy illogical person to justify their own sins. Stay calm and remember cooler heads prevail. Plan A as well. I hope you read the threads about that. Good luck as a fellow service member I am appalled by your husband actions. They always teach honor and commitmment in all branches. Most servicemen/women forget that should be applied in their personal lives as well! I'm rooting for ya! Give 'em hell (in a calm demanor and with a plan)

hi again love.

you are so lucky that your WH is a military man, because you have access to M support that civilians do not have. please take advantage of this by informing the IG TODAY, officially. this is positive action you can take to end the a and save your M.

when you are attempting to kill an a, you are in a war. when you are in a war, you do not share your battle plan(s) with your enemy. stop telling your WH your plans and work on killing the a.

congratulations on exposure! you do not need to tell your WH about this - he will hear it directly. this is how it SHOULD happen. you asked for support for your M. by contacting your WH, they will show that support. don't be surprised if it doesn't happen immediately. everyone reacts differently to exposure. some may contact him directly and tell him off. others may simply cut him off, with no words spoken. both relay the message that his behaviour in M is unacceptable. let the fallout land on him. do not try to soften it - that goes against the purpose of exposure.

be actively working on plan a. are you fully conversant in plan a? have you read the "how to" thread? do you have any questions?

your WH is going to be angry, remember this, ok? let him be angry. do not try to assuage his anger. simply change the subject.

It was the right thing to do. Keep in mind that Chaplains are not experienced or qualified in dealing with adultery. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, *IS.*

This is why the military is in contact with Dr Harley for guidance about the epidemic of affairs and divorces in the military. They have sought HIS advice, not the other way around. Dr Harley has a long successful track record, the military, and especially Chaplains, do not.

Your Chaplain should actually READ His Needs, Her Needs since it has a chapter on Infidelity that focuses on exposure. Dr Harley just rewrote the book to include his information on the importance of exposure. He is currently rewriting Surviving an Affair to reflect the same.

Love Languages has no plan in it, so that book is virtually useless.

That being said, neither of the above books have a plan to address infidelity. The plan to save a marriage from infidelity is Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair.

HE WAS NOT ANGRY. He said he doesn't care enough to be mad at me or angry. He says that now everyone who reads the letter will think that he is considering leaving me for her... when really that is not the case. I asked if he meant he is not considering leaving me, he said, no, thats not it, I'm just not considering leaving you FOR her. So I asked why he still has access to her through email and chat and skype. He said he hasn't contacted her since the weekend. So I asked if he could cut all access, delete email addresses and skype accounts and start fresh and new with a letter to her requesting not contact whatsoever from now on. He said he could. I hugged him and said thank you. But he said, I didn't say I would, you just asked if I could, I said I could, not that I was going to. If I send her a message like that I will let you see it before I send it. He then said he just needs time to figure out his emotions. I asked if that meant time with me by his side while he figures it out, or if he needed time alone. He said that is what he is figuring out, and that all that email will do will make his family call him with the wrong impression and just irritate him. He said the email will not help at all, and that he is not angry at all. What do I do? I want to go back to plan A, but if the issue is not the affair, the solely internet affair that he says has nothing to do with his decision to stay with me, then what do I do?

I asked him last night if he had let her go, he said I'm trying to. I asked if that meant no. He nodded. So I guess... I don't know. Just Plan A and hope for the best? Can I still ask about her? About his commitment? Or just leave it alone for the next 6 months?

Give him 3 weeks to dump her and DEMAND every day of that 3 weeks that he end his affair. I would also not allow him to conduct his affair in your home. That is profoundly disrespectful to you and your home. If you see him on the computer with her, then unplug the router. If he calls her then follow him around and say "please take your adultery out of my home."

If he won't end all contact, then he needs to move out and Plan B is warranted.

Did you DEMAND that he end his affair as Dr Harley instructs?

Plan A like a rock star. Meet his EN's (for men its sex, admiration, affection and recreation). If he has contact with her, let him know how painful it us to you. Plan A should be for 3 weeks tops. If by then you have not gotten a commitment to marriage recovery then you should go to plan b.

LIP, I gave you next steps. Did you read my post?

Did you read this post?

LIP, the next conversation I would have with him is a demand that he end his affair. Here are the steps I posted to another poster:

But he hasn't been on the computer with her since the weekend, or on the phone or anything. It seems as though he really is done, all short of sending a no contact letter. I mean, I have to give him three weeks to what? send the letter? Respond to my question of "do you want to be with me" with something more solid than I don't know? In Surviving an Affair the one dude spent 6 months in Plan A...

No more nights apart... he is out bowling right now...with a buddy, who was included in the exposure message. I felt like if I told him I didn't want him to go out then I would be creating a bad home environment, opposite of Plan A...

Do I need to demand that tonight? And his response will be I don't know, I guess so, maybe, ok then... I don't want to force him to do something he is not really ready or committed to do.

Plan A only lasts for THREE WEEKS for a female. You must have a very old version of SAA.

If he were done, he would send the letter and commit to a program of recovery. Ending the affair, which he has told you he won't commit to, is only the FIRST STEP. It does not solve the problem.

Just not contacting the OW for a few days is NOT ENDING THE AFFAIR AND IS NOT RECOVERY. Not even close.

Did you read

I ask if he wants me to leave, if he even wants to keep me in this marriage, he says I don't know, so that demand probably won't get me anywhere... other than, I don't know if that's what I want. And if the affair truly is over and he sends this letter, say, this weekend, what then? I remain in plan A until he is ready to say, "I am committed."?

You CAN'T force him. So you have to enforce your boundaries....

He needs to get ready. Give him 5 minutes to get ready.

Yes, 3 weeks to send a no contact letter and agree to the conditions that MelodyLane spelled out for you above.

Dr. Harley in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

I know I have a lot of questions but I am lost, I ask him if he wants to be with me. He says I don't know. I ask him if he wants me to include him in all of my decisions, he says I don't know. I ask him if he will let her go. He says I don't know. I ask him if he will cut off all access, he says I don't know, I could, but I don't know if I will. I ask him if he wants to still be there for me and the kids, he says he'll always be there for the kids, no matter what. I explain how we are a package and if he leaves me, he is leaving us as a family and the family will be broken. He says his 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage that he sees once a year knows that her daddy is always there for her. I ask if he wants that kind of distant relationship with these children, he says I don't know.

So, let him say I don't know for 3 more weeks, then politely ask him to leave?

Demand EVERY DAY that he end his affair. And don't let up for a minute. He is not going to take you seriously until you start acting seriously.

The fact that he is out "bowling" should tell you how serious he really is. He is not at all.

Tell him if he does not end his affair that he needs to move out. That this will lead to divorce. Don't tell him 3 weeks. If he won't end his affair, then contact a lawyer to find out how you can get him removed.

Do you live in military housing?

He doesn't want sex. He says its not on his mind. He doesn't want to kiss me, he says he can't sincerely want to kiss me right now.

The relevant issue is NOT what he wants, but what YOU want. And he either complies with your wishes or he doesn't. Posting his fogbabble is a distraction from resolving the problem. He doesn't get to set the conditions.

Tell him he needs to leave if he won't end his affair immediately and commit to a program of recovery.

He will leave, if I ask him... but I don't want him to leave. I don't even want him to sleep in the guest bedroom. He says he can't think about stuff all the time, and when I ask if he wants to talk he says he has nothing to say. He says it helps him to play his XBOX games and go out with his buddy and bowl and just give his mind a break.

Ok, if you are not interested in recovering your marriage, then I won't waste any more of your time. If all you care about is having him there at any cost, in an affair or not, then you have achieved your goal and don't need us.

Wow, I guess I really am at that point huh? Telling him to leave. I will set a timeline. I will not stop demanding that he cut off all contact and access from this other woman in order to work on our marriage. Even if he can't say he wants to work on our marriage, it would be a step in the right direction if he cut off communication with her and access. And if he will not, by the end of the timeline, I will have to seriously... consider... asking him to leave.

I need your help, I am listening, but taking advice from internet strangers right away is difficult, especially when fighting with my own heart. Of course I want him completely, no affair... Thank you all, THANK YOU for your advice. I really appreciate it, I need it. I may be having trouble following it, but I am hearing it and digesting it, and reading the book and really honestly trying.

Dr Harley is not an "internet stranger;" he is an internationally known expert in saving marriages from infidelity. No one is more successful than him. Everything we have told you to do is straight out of his rule book. Many of us have saved our marriages using these concepts.

However, we cannot force you to take this advice. And very few of us have the time to continually post to someone who is not going to take these steps. I have a marriage and a busy career, myself.

Please take the time to read through the posted advice because all the answers you need have already been posted. All you have to do is follow it, my friend. Good luck!

Internet strangers who have recovered their marriages using the exact steps we have given you.

Love

Your WH replying "I don't know" to the things you are asking him and especially to cutting contact with the OW is simply a tactic to extend his cake eating time.

What action have you taken to show him you are serious about your demand for him to cut contact with the OW?

Don't be scared to loose him because he isn't yours right now anyway, he is in his selfish cake eating mode and your fear of losing him is enabling his behaviour.

Don't ask him if he wants the marriage, while he is a foggy wayward he will likely not care much about you or the marriage because he is getting his needs met elsewhere.

Don't ask, demand that he cut contact with the OW. Make it difficult for him to contact her, demand access to his emails and phone. Don't ask but DEMAND.

If he insists on keeping his contact with the OW then please prepare for plan B.

PS- these "strangers" have helped me save my marriage so I wouldn't discount their suggestions so easily.

During an affair the worse thing is "alone time" or "time with friends".
My wife claimed she ended her emotional affair.
She wanted alone time to "go watch a movie". Well she went straight to another mans house for sex!

Can you commit to contacting the IG tonight while he is bowling?
I posted the link earlier.
You need to give them your name (don't file an anonymous complaint). You can do this by email tonight

Stop asking him what he wants and thinks and start telling him what you need him to do if he wants to stay married. You're giving him way too much power. He is a fogged out, high as a kite adulterer. He can't think straight, so hoping to get leadership or guidance from him is foolish.

You need to take the reins and if that means asking him to leave, that's what you do. Maybe that's what it will take to snap him out of the high of the affair.

Get tough, girl!

From what I gather, in plan A you eliminate all love busters, avoid relationship talk, focus on fulfilling his top emotional needs and be consistent in demanding that he stop his affair. I'd quit sounding needy which is how you come across at the moment. Be strong. Continue snooping, and follow the advice of the posters here.

If the affair doesn't end you're looking at divorce which is a pretty big separation. So I wouldn't bat an eye at plan B. You plan A for 3 weeks and prepare for plan B in the meantime. In plan B you do not contact your spouse. He will realize very quickly that an internet affair can't meet all his needs. As another poster pointed out he is cake eating right now and taking you along for the ride. His treatment of you right now is very emotionally exhausting, so you will only be able to plan A for a short while. Get your ducks in a row for plan B.

Good luck to you. I believe you can recover your marriage.

OK... so I am determined to be strong. I am. 3 weeks of no whining of Love Bank withdrawals, no more weakness or neediness, no more relationship talk (minus the no contact request). His emotional needs will be fulfilled and met, and I will ensure I am consistent in my respectful demands for him to cut off all access with OW.

How is exposure supposed to feel afterwards? He says it hasn't changed his mind at all, I asked if his mind was made up. He said no, but the exposure won't change his mind once he is able to figure out what he wants. He still has access to the same email accounts and Skype accounts and Xbox accounts. And when he went out bowling with his buddy last night, the buddy who had seen the exposure letter, they talked about it. My husband said he told him the whole story, because the email hadn't really painted the enitre picture, with details. My husband said this without shame, as though explaining the whole story to his buddy kind of negated the effects of the exposure. And he said his buddy wasn't judgemental and wished us both the best in our struggle. No one else, that I know of, has talked to him. Though 3 or 4 of the people who received the message called or contacted me in some way to say they are here for me, and tell me to consider a backup plan for when/if he leaves...

Is this how exposure is supposed to be? People tiptoeing, not being judgemental and just kind of... letting him feel like it's ok? He seemed so nonchalant about telling his buddy "the whole story"...

Also, the majority of friends and family I exposed to, have no idea why I would "air our dirty laundry to the world". And when I say I did what I felt was right to save our marriage, I get responses like "well if he looks at this as an attack, I'd understand where he was coming from."

How many of those people have recovered marriages from infidelity? Dr. Harley has 40+ years of experience.

What has your WH said when you demand he end his affair?

Ask them if they are supporting his adultery or are they supporting your marriage? Infidelity is not a private affair and such marriages need the support of family and friends. Infidelity is an "attack," telling the truth and asking for support is not.

In order for me to continue wanting to salvage this marriage I need you to stop contacting her.

His response: I haven't contacted her since the weekend.
Me: But you still have access, the lines of communication are still open. Can you cut all access? Delete your email accounts, skype, xbox account?
His response: I could.
Me: Will you?
His response: I don't know.
Me: Do you want me to leave you or to ask you to leave, I can't keep trying to salvage our marriage if I know she is still infecting our home.
His response: It has nothing to do with her. If I leave, it will not be because of her.
Me: So can you cut all contact and send her a no contact letter, read by me before you send it?
His response: I don't know. I'll think about it.

I like the way you put this, I may use this in my next explanation to folks as to why I exposed the secret.

And here is the problem, "can you cut all access" is not a demand is a request.

I believe the correct way to say this is along the lines of "I want you to cut out all contact with the OW immediately or the decision to stay or leave the marriage will no longer be yours to make because you are damaging our marriage further the longer this contact goes on and the harder it will be for us to move on with reconciliation should you wish to stay married".

He needs to hear the consequences of his lack of decision making and he isn't serious about deciding because let's face it he's too busy going out with his buddies and playing computer games to dedicate any real time to such a serious decision.

How much longer are you willing to live like this? I am not against plan A but you need so show him you are serious.

I promise that this the following is true...100% of the time.


This means "NO", that he has no intention of cutting contact and writing the NC letter. Now at least you know where you stand and have your answer.

Now what are you going to do about it?

I will use the previous poster's words... tonight. After we put the children down for bed. And he still replies I don't know, then I will get back on Plan A, until the next evening, at the same time, where I will use the previous poster's words again.

Now I am worried that he has been lying to me... He told me and the Chaplain just yesterday that he hasn't talked to her... but oftentimes, right after we talk to the Chaplain together he reaches out to her...

I would go ahead and pack his bags and prepare to separate. Since he REFUSES to end his affair, you need to prepare to separate.

I would also call the IG TODAY and inform them that your husband is carrying on an affair over his government, TAXPAYER funded, laptop.

At this point you need to plan for separation.

You should start saving money from any joint account so you have money to live on.
Get the phone number for child support etc.
Are you in base housing or private housing?

Also make sure he does not see your postings here

Since you have mentioned children, then you know how to set boundaries for them. If little loves is coloring on the table you wouldn't say "Can you please stop coloring the tables with the markers" and expect little loves to stop. But to say "Stop coloring on mommy's table or I will put the markers in the trash". Then you get the desired response.

It's about setting YOUR boundary that you will not have him conducting his affair in YOUR home.

Thank you all for your advice. I am in the military as well... I cannot contact the IG for legal reasons, of which I will not go into. I will just say, if an investigation were to take place regarding my husband's affair, they would discover more than adultery and he would be taken away from the family, forcibly.

Please do not press me on this issue. I will protect my husband, he is not dangerous or violent.

However, I do believe that I am done. I am done hurting him and/or being the cause of his pain. I am letting go of the steering wheel that I have been turning and turning, trying to get us back on course, and I will just let go, and let the path be chosen. I am sick of thinking this is in my control. All that is under my control are my actions and my children. I am done. Done with the endless asking, I am not a weak woman, but this situation has made me feel so weak. I need to remember my strength. I am never giving up on him and I have faith in him, and I am never giving up on this marriage but, I am sick of turning the steering wheel when it won't budge.

So, Plan A, but I can easily see Plan B becoming more and more possible. He said we will discuss three things this evening, I brought them up this morning so he could think about it throughout the day: 1) Cutting all access with OW. 2) What he needs emotionally from me. 3) My non-cancellable surprise plans for our 5 year anniversary (in 2.5 weeks)

I still say go to the IG. If they find out other stuff it isn't your fault. You went to the IG because of his actions not yours. You say you cannot control him but he seems to be controlling you on this IG issue. Also, I am not sure what your rank is or who is getting BAH when you go to Plan B make sure you get your own account and take money from the joint to put in it. If he persists on this affair take your kids and move the hell out.

Defending our country is a big enough burden as it is. You shouldn't have to wage war on two fronts. If your Navy talk to the fleet and family support center for help as well as the JAG. If you get in a financial pinch there is always the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society.

So... My plan is in motion. We discussed the aforementioned three items. He said when he is ready he will remove access. I demanded again and he said he can't do it just because I said Now, he had to do it on his own time. When I let him know that his time is causing pain and hurt to his family, he said if you want to see it that way. I said I don't want to, but ok. Take your time. I will let up on talking about the situation, but I will not stop demanding that you cut all access, I will not have that in this house or under this roof any longer. He said ok. So he'll be getting reminders. He just doesn't know that there is a timeline, either he cuts access or it gets out of my house, 3 weeks. I let him know, the longer he delays cutting access the messier our reconciliation or separation or divorce will be.

Again he asked for time alone, this time to play a video game... He is playing on his Xbox, same system he met OW on, alone in the basement. He asked for 30 minutes. Out of respect, and because of Plan A, I said ok Hun, see you upstairs... It's just very difficult to believe him... I want to though.

We shall see.

That is not Plan A at all. That is enabling. Do you think playing on XBox is in any way good for your marriage? You have no reason to believe him. None. Pretending that you believe a liar is not wise and not part of Plan A.

I would take that Xbox and sell it. First off he was on it planning another way to communicate with OW. Keep snooping and don't let him know about it.

I would walk downstairs and join him. Tell him that playing Xbox is disrespectful to you in your home and ask him to stop.

I fear it will be a love withdrawal if I say, Hun, no time alone. I thought plan a focused on love deposits...

I guess I could say, I respect your need for time alone, however until you have cut all access, your time alone should only consist of non electronic means of enjoyment. No Xbox, computer, cell phone or nook.

Going now... Thanks

No, that is not what we mean when we suggest Plan A. Plan A does not mean being an enabler.

Go down there and tell him since he has used XBox to conduct his affair, that you request he stop playing XBox and get rid of the machine.


Why would a married man need time alone? Especially a cheater? Why would you "respect" something so destructive?

He is off Xbox with an agreement that he will not play it unless I am there, or just not at all. Aren't these selfish demands? I may not quite understand plan A... I read the book...?

No.

I told him it was disrespectful to me, and I said I don't want to talk about the situation but I deserve to be respected in my own house, I said are you ok with this? He said it doesn't matter. I asked, respecting me doesn't matter? He said, I don't know. Yes it matters.... So... I dunno. I feel like this standing up for myself is pushing him away

While he is at work sell it if he doesn't agree to stop plain and simple. Your trying to kill the affair. Did you read up on Plan A? Carrot and stick and getting rid of the Xbox is the stick. Supplement the Xbox time for family time.

He is already pushed away. He is having an affair.

What is the alternative? Let him have time away from you? Let him play Xbox, go out with buddies, give him more space and time to contact the OW and even more opportunity for their bond to grow??. That's not plan A that's plan Doormat, plan A is not Plan doormat.

There is a lot you can do in plan A that does not involve letting a foggy wayward trample all over you here are some examples.

Take care of yourself, look good smell nice and have a cheery disposition around him.
Take care of the home and the kids.
Cook his favourite meals for him.
Watch his favourite shows with him.
Take him out on a date night to a place and activity he likes.
Play the Xbox with him.

You should only do things that are 100% beneficial for BOTH spouses and the marriage, him going out with buddies and playing Xbox in the basement are not beneficial for you in this marriage and therefore are not plan A.

That is true, I never thought of it that way. He keeps saying it has nothing to do with her. If I do leave you it will have nothing to do with her, I guess meaning it has everything to do with me and with him, alone... Kind of makes me second guess this whole "infidelity" issue. I mean, I know he has been unfaithful, but he keeps talking as though that is not the root of the issue, not what we should be focusing on. I would love not to focus on it... but he needs to cut all access for that to happen...

I guess I never thought he could ever just be so cold... so very cold.

We woke up this morning and both our little girls were in bed with us. He discovered that our now 7 month old has broken his first tooth in, it was a happy family moment. Our 3 year old clapping and cheering that her sister got a tooth, Daddy saying ouch while she bit her with it and me smiling happily, dreading having to nurse her in a couple minutes... I just don't know how he could even be contemplating leaving that scene. And just last night he lay down in bed with our 3 year old to help her fall asleep, and I couldn't help but think, if you leave, if you refuse to cut all access with OW, you do realize this, comfortable happy Daddy time will be gone. Of course I am not saying these things, because they may come out as an angry outburst or selfish... but they make my resolve to let go that much more difficult.

I am still resolved, and I am still strong though.

No. That is not a selfish demand. A separate lifestyle created the conditions that made his affair possible.
Specifically the X Box made his affair possible.
Dr Harley says to remove all conditions that made the affair possible. If he agrees to end his affair and recover your marriage then he must never play xbox alone again

It has everything to do with the affair so don't pay any attention to this. Just let him know that if you insist he leaves, it will be over the affair. He tells you this because he wants to blame the affair on you and and not on his affair.

Don't let him gaslight you.

I still say sell that Xbox and use the money to go on a romantic date. Have someone watch the kids and you both go on leave for a week for some UA time.

Yeah... I'll try. I am still getting used to demanding respect and not enabling but at the same time being cheery when he refuses or when I request.

This morning, he watched the kids while I laid down from an upset stomach and accidentally fell asleep for a bit. Then he watched them while I took a shower and took care of myself and made myself look and smell nice. I offered to take over with the kids so he could go do the same... he had his phone on him and I asked that he leave the phone in the kitchen until he was done in the bathroom and with his hygiene/personal time. He said no, he was planning on playing words with friends.

I told him, I've realized how disrespected it makes me feel for him to have his phone, the phone he used to cheat on me on him, while he is alone in the bathroom. I said in order for me to feel some respect from him I need him to leave his phone in the kitchen, I offered to go get him a book from the office or sudoku puzzles, to use while in the bathroom. He said no, he is sorry I want to see it that way but no. I said I don't want to see it that way, it is a fact, it is very disrespectful for you to use your phone in private while in the house, after you used it to cheat on me.

He said, even before you found out about all of this my phone was almost always out and accessible. He wanted to compromise by saying if I don't plan on using it, like for words with friends, then I will leave it out in plain sight. I stated that it still felt as though I was disresepected. He said I'm sorry if that's the fact but my answer is no.

And now he is upstairs, washing, on the potty, showering... with his phone and computer available to him...

I hope I handled it right...

Now I am just cleaning the kitchen, taking care of the kids, in Plan A still.

LIP, I would start making plans to separate right now. It might take you a couple of weeks to get him out, so start asking him to move out now. He doesn't believe you will do anything to stop him and has demonstrated he doesn't care one bit about hurting you. His continued contact with the OW is more important than his marriage.

So ask him to move out since he won't end his affair and stop doing things that hurt you deeply.

I agree words with friends has a messaging system in it. Probably how he contacts OW now.

How horribly selfish. Agree 100% with ML's advice. What steps will u take to execute plan B?

Isn't it possibe to have your 3-year-old accidently drop the phone in the toilet/bath/sink/lake or out of the window or play with it and it just happens to be 'gone'?

After what he's put you through, for him to take this stance means that he has no empathy for you. It is actually cruel of him.

A peson who has no empathy for his betrayed spouse, is not remorseful.

A person who is not remorseful is ripe to continue and/or to resume infidelity.

It is not a disrespectful judgement to declare what you will not stand for. Next time he pulls this crap, I would calmly (without anger) tell him that you are sorry that he has so little remorse that he would continue to make secret use of his affair-phone depite your expressed wishes, that you would much prefer to work with him on creating a loving marriage where you can feel respected, and that you feel like his taking his phone with him is more important to him than your need to feel respected, and so the way it's going to be is, he can either leave the phone on the counter, or else, that he can take his phone, his clothes and all his other junk and get out, and that he's got 30 minutes to finish packing.

He needs to realize that he can't bull**** you any more. He needs to realize that it's the 9th inning & he's down to his last strike.

That will accomplish nothing to get at this wayward husband's attitude. He'll just get another phone but keep the same wayward attitude.
This WH needs to be confronted with a choice to make.

And about the X-box, there must be a button or something in your electricity cabinet to shut off phone connections for the basement and such. You just have to discover where the wire is going and sabotage it. Maybe you have a brother who is good with these things? Or you could contact the provider to temporarily shut you of, or...
There must be plenty of possibilities. Be creative. If it is something that does not immediately show that it was caused by you, the better.

Don't keep asking him to give up contact and if he has made up his mind yet. Just advertise yourself as a terrific spouse. Make it clear to him, that you will not stay in a marriage with three people in it. That he will have to do without this fantastic woman and this happy family. Don't ask him for sex, just happen to behave in a way that will at least get his attention even if he pretends not to notice it. You should have no trouble showing cleavage while breastfeeding.

I would not worry about the tooth, you will get used to it in a few days. If the baby always drinks in the same position and your breast gets irritated from it, just use different positions for breastfeeding, so the tooth is at a different position every time. You'll be fine. Keep breastfeeding and your child will not get infections so often.

You are going in the right direction. As you may have noticed, he is always blaming you and gaslighting when you try to keep him away from his drug. "if you want to see it that way" and he is doing what he wants anyway.

If he wants to have your respect, he will have to behave like a man who deserves some respect. And a man who deserves respect is not one who leaves his wife and two small children. And also not one who values his phone more than he values getting the the trust back and repairing the relashionship with the mother of his children, which he damage by turning outside of his marriage. He is breaking his vow. 'Foresaking all others'

Just be assured that you are doing the right thing. Do not try to reassure yourself by asking his opinion and his take on things. His view is twisted. Come here to get an objective view. Do not be surprised if people refuse to get involved, they are cowards. Have you tried to get the parents of the OW involved? Many dads are not very amused when married men are preying on their daughters.

God bless you,

Happyheart

Of course it is possible to get another phone, but why let him have the convenience of not having to?

I may be saying the wrong thing. Vets feel free to correct me. Pack his stuff up, pawn that Xbox and all the games, take his phone and drop it in the toilet. Then demand him to end the affair or leave that simple. I bet his anger will show and he may even push you. That's when you call the police and get a RO to keep him out of the house.

Because it's missing the point. The point here is not to cause minor inconveniences that are plausibly attributable to mere chance. This WH needs to be helped to realize in no uncertain terms that inconveniences are attributable instead to the disrepect he is showing towards his wife.

The 'accident' that you recommended LIP stage (using the toddler as a prop) would accomplish nothing to drive home to the wayward husband the central point that his conduct vis-a-vis the phone is extremely disrespectful to his wife and that she feels extremely disrespected by it. (All your scenario might drive home is simply that he shouldn't leave his phone out where the toddler can reach it.)

Much better for her to dump it herself. But best for him to be brought to a point of realization where he is forced to choose between his independent behavior vs. his marriage.

Please read.
How to Plan B Correctly

Will pray for your success LIP but you need to act and act now. He has zero respect for your feelings. Pack that trash up sell that Xbox and dump that phone in the toilet. Tell him its the family or his independent behavior. Yes or no question no more waffling. Say it calmy and be gentle and firm. Your military show him your courage!