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He came to the Chaplain session, and it seemed like good counseling. I told the Chaplain one on one about the exposure and I don't know if his reaction was positive. I am reconsidering whether it was the right thing to do...
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What you failed to tell him is that the author of the book he gave you recommends it! Told you he would show WS say anything to manipulate you into a crazy illogical person to justify their own sins. Stay calm and remember cooler heads prevail. Plan A as well. I hope you read the threads about that. Good luck as a fellow service member I am appalled by your husband actions. They always teach honor and commitmment in all branches. Most servicemen/women forget that should be applied in their personal lives as well! I'm rooting for ya! Give 'em hell (in a calm demanor and with a plan)
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hi again love.
you are so lucky that your WH is a military man, because you have access to M support that civilians do not have. please take advantage of this by informing the IG TODAY, officially. this is positive action you can take to end the a and save your M.
when you are attempting to kill an a, you are in a war. when you are in a war, you do not share your battle plan(s) with your enemy. stop telling your WH your plans and work on killing the a.
congratulations on exposure! you do not need to tell your WH about this - he will hear it directly. this is how it SHOULD happen. you asked for support for your M. by contacting your WH, they will show that support. don't be surprised if it doesn't happen immediately. everyone reacts differently to exposure. some may contact him directly and tell him off. others may simply cut him off, with no words spoken. both relay the message that his behaviour in M is unacceptable. let the fallout land on him. do not try to soften it - that goes against the purpose of exposure.
be actively working on plan a. are you fully conversant in plan a? have you read the "how to" thread? do you have any questions?
your WH is going to be angry, remember this, ok? let him be angry. do not try to assuage his anger. simply change the subject.
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He came to the Chaplain session, and it seemed like good counseling. I told the Chaplain one on one about the exposure and I don't know if his reaction was positive. I am reconsidering whether it was the right thing to do... It was the right thing to do. Keep in mind that Chaplains are not experienced or qualified in dealing with adultery. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, *IS.* This is why the military is in contact with Dr Harley for guidance about the epidemic of affairs and divorces in the military. They have sought HIS advice, not the other way around. Dr Harley has a long successful track record, the military, and especially Chaplains, do not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The Chaplain wants us to read His Needs, Her Needs, when we are done with Love Languages. Your Chaplain should actually READ His Needs, Her Needs since it has a chapter on Infidelity that focuses on exposure. Dr Harley just rewrote the book to include his information on the importance of exposure. He is currently rewriting Surviving an Affair to reflect the same. Love Languages has no plan in it, so that book is virtually useless. That being said, neither of the above books have a plan to address infidelity. The plan to save a marriage from infidelity is Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HE WAS NOT ANGRY. He said he doesn't care enough to be mad at me or angry. He says that now everyone who reads the letter will think that he is considering leaving me for her... when really that is not the case. I asked if he meant he is not considering leaving me, he said, no, thats not it, I'm just not considering leaving you FOR her. So I asked why he still has access to her through email and chat and skype. He said he hasn't contacted her since the weekend. So I asked if he could cut all access, delete email addresses and skype accounts and start fresh and new with a letter to her requesting not contact whatsoever from now on. He said he could. I hugged him and said thank you. But he said, I didn't say I would, you just asked if I could, I said I could, not that I was going to. If I send her a message like that I will let you see it before I send it. He then said he just needs time to figure out his emotions. I asked if that meant time with me by his side while he figures it out, or if he needed time alone. He said that is what he is figuring out, and that all that email will do will make his family call him with the wrong impression and just irritate him. He said the email will not help at all, and that he is not angry at all. What do I do? I want to go back to plan A, but if the issue is not the affair, the solely internet affair that he says has nothing to do with his decision to stay with me, then what do I do?
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I asked him last night if he had let her go, he said I'm trying to. I asked if that meant no. He nodded. So I guess... I don't know. Just Plan A and hope for the best? Can I still ask about her? About his commitment? Or just leave it alone for the next 6 months?
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I asked him last night if he had let her go, he said I'm trying to. I asked if that meant no. He nodded. So I guess... I don't know. Just Plan A and hope for the best? Can I still ask about her? About his commitment? Or just leave it alone for the next 6 months? Give him 3 weeks to dump her and DEMAND every day of that 3 weeks that he end his affair. I would also not allow him to conduct his affair in your home. That is profoundly disrespectful to you and your home. If you see him on the computer with her, then unplug the router. If he calls her then follow him around and say "please take your adultery out of my home." If he won't end all contact, then he needs to move out and Plan B is warranted. Did you DEMAND that he end his affair as Dr Harley instructs?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Plan A like a rock star. Meet his EN's (for men its sex, admiration, affection and recreation). If he has contact with her, let him know how painful it us to you. Plan A should be for 3 weeks tops. If by then you have not gotten a commitment to marriage recovery then you should go to plan b.
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LIP, I gave you next steps. Did you read my post?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you read this post? LIP, the next conversation I would have with him is a demand that he end his affair. Here are the steps I posted to another poster: When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.
First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But he hasn't been on the computer with her since the weekend, or on the phone or anything. It seems as though he really is done, all short of sending a no contact letter. I mean, I have to give him three weeks to what? send the letter? Respond to my question of "do you want to be with me" with something more solid than I don't know? In Surviving an Affair the one dude spent 6 months in Plan A...
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No more nights apart... he is out bowling right now...with a buddy, who was included in the exposure message. I felt like if I told him I didn't want him to go out then I would be creating a bad home environment, opposite of Plan A...
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Do I need to demand that tonight? And his response will be I don't know, I guess so, maybe, ok then... I don't want to force him to do something he is not really ready or committed to do.
Last edited by loveispatient; 01/17/13 07:31 PM.
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But he hasn't been on the computer with her since the weekend, or on the phone or anything. It seems as though he really is done, all short of sending a no contact letter. I mean, I have to give him three weeks to what? send the letter? Respond to my question of "do you want to be with me" with something more solid than I don't know? In Surviving an Affair the one dude spent 6 months in Plan A... Plan A only lasts for THREE WEEKS for a female. You must have a very old version of SAA. If he were done, he would send the letter and commit to a program of recovery. Ending the affair, which he has told you he won't commit to, is only the FIRST STEP. It does not solve the problem. Just not contacting the OW for a few days is NOT ENDING THE AFFAIR AND IS NOT RECOVERY. Not even close. Did you read
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I ask if he wants me to leave, if he even wants to keep me in this marriage, he says I don't know, so that demand probably won't get me anywhere... other than, I don't know if that's what I want. And if the affair truly is over and he sends this letter, say, this weekend, what then? I remain in plan A until he is ready to say, "I am committed."?
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Do I need to demand that tonight? And his response will be I don't know, I guess so, maybe, ok then... I don't want to force him to do something he is not really ready or committed to do. You CAN'T force him. So you have to enforce your boundaries.... He needs to get ready. Give him 5 minutes to get ready.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, 3 weeks to send a no contact letter and agree to the conditions that MelodyLane spelled out for you above.
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Dr. Harley in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know I have a lot of questions but I am lost, I ask him if he wants to be with me. He says I don't know. I ask him if he wants me to include him in all of my decisions, he says I don't know. I ask him if he will let her go. He says I don't know. I ask him if he will cut off all access, he says I don't know, I could, but I don't know if I will. I ask him if he wants to still be there for me and the kids, he says he'll always be there for the kids, no matter what. I explain how we are a package and if he leaves me, he is leaving us as a family and the family will be broken. He says his 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage that he sees once a year knows that her daddy is always there for her. I ask if he wants that kind of distant relationship with these children, he says I don't know.
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