I have been in plan B for 3 months now & the WS just sent me an email asking if we could meet & talk. Obviously he wants to have the divorce discussion. I'm not sure if I should just ignore his request or meet with him. Help please!!

First off, if he is contacting you directly, then you are not in plan B.

If you want to be in Plan B and need help, then you will have to give a lot more information.

But if you were in Plan B, then, let the lawyers handle it.

Help you what?
What do you want?

Do you have an IM in place? If so do not respond and take the opportunity now to block her/his email address. You might want to give some back story so the vets can properly help you.

A "notable post" about Plan B LINK to notable post

Tell us a bit more about your situation, so we can actually help you.

Plan B is to protect yourself from the hurt an active affair causes, and your WS can not contact you. If you are going through a divorce, then your atty can handle this and his atty should contact yours.

And your IM can let you know when the WS is ready to commit to the marriage.

Well, I thought I could implement a revised version of plan b, but maybe that was a mistake?! I didn't want to put someone in the middle of our messed up situation so I chose not to implement an IM. Reading through the notable posts I now see the importance of one. Here's some background. I'm hoping the veteran MBs out there can provide guidance. All advice is greatly appreciated!

I discovered my husband was having an affair in December 2012 after 10 1/2 years of marriage. Since the physical affair occurred two days prior to my discovery and two weeks after the emotional affair began (or at least that's what I'm told), I thought we had a chance to get past it. I immediately went into plan A. He continued to have contact with the OW behind my back & when I realized he was lying to me, I asked him to leave our home. Since I'm financially able to take care of our household bills on my own and we don't have children, I haven't seen a lawyer.

My WS met the OW at work but she doesn't live in our town; she lives 3 1/2 hours away. Since leaving, WS has been making weekly trips to see her, has charged 10K on our credit cards (including a vacation he took her on), started smoking cigarettes, drinking more than usual, got a tattoo, got his motorcycle license and plans to purchase a Harley Davidson. Plus he has been looking for a new job near her hometown. These are just a few of the irrational things he has done.

He told me a few weeks after he left that he has no plans to come home, he doesn't know why he did what he did, but he just doesn't want to be married anymore. He says our relationship was fine, our sex life was fine, and our financial situation was good as well. Since I was under the same impression prior to my discovery, I was completely blindsided by the revelation.

He has been staying with his sister and I haven't seen or talked with him in 3 months. During our last conversation, I gave him the plan b talk (instead of writing a letter) and he told me he still loves me and doesn't know why he did what he did. However, he made no mention of getting back together or working on our marriage. I made it clear to him that if he cuts off contact with the OW I would be willing to attempt a reconciliation.

Now he wants to talk so I'm sure it's to request a divorce. Is my marriage over or is there something I can do to get us back on track?

Did you expose his affair to everyone?

Yes. I exposed to his family, my family and our friends. I would love to expose to OWs family, but I haven't been able to find information to do so.

You need to LOCK DOWN the money. NOW!
Get an attorney and find out how to stop this so that YOU will no longer be responsible for WH's debt.

The way it is now, if WH stops paying his bills, the creditors will come AFTER YOU.

Cancel all credit cards. Report them as "missing".
Transfer all money to a new account.

Do you have kids?
Were either of you already married when you met each other?

Des she have a Facebook account? Did you check on zabasearch, peoplefinder, Intelius? Did you expose at the workplace?

After discovering the charges on the credits cards, I cancelled them and moved all money into a different account. (thanks to advice I found on this site!) I have an adult child (22) that is away at college and he does not have children. Neither of us was married when we met. He was single for 7 months (ended an engagement) and I was single for years. I have heard through a mutual friend that he wants to have children with the OW. I should add that I'm too old to have children, but he NEVER mentioned a desire to have them. In fact, before we married, we had the "baby" discussion and he indicated just the opposite...he didn't want kids because he worked too much and it wouldn't be fair to the family.

You still need to discuss financial protection with an attorney.
OW might already be knocked up.

How old are you both, Clueless?

One other question, did you love together before marriage?

I'm 48 and he's 45. We did not live together prior to marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if she is already knocked up! I did not expose in workplace because I couldn't find contact information for either of their bosses. I have not paid to use the web services to find information on her. Do these services work? If I found contact information would you suggest I tell her 3 teenage children? What about her parents? Is it too late to do this type of exposure?

Clueless, I would go ahead and call him today and ask what he wanted to talk about. It will be good to find out what he is thinking.

Come back and tell us what he said.

I would gather as much info as possible for an exposure. Find the OW's parents, relative. Get both of their company contacts from the company website. You would want to expose to the director of HR, a key VP and their supervisors. You say your H was looking for a job, does he still work there?

I can't vouch for those online services, but I know that some folks here have used them successfully. You can also find alot of information from facebook, linkedin and google.

Thanks, MelodyLane! I wasn't sure if I would be breaking the guidelines of plan b if I contacted him. Do you think I should call or would I be better off just ignoring his email? Or maybe I should appoint an IM and ask them to contact him for me? My heartbreak is really preventing me from thinking clearly!

Why don't you just go ahead and send him an email? That way you don't have to talk to him and it might be less emotional. I don't see any point in avoiding contact until you go into an official Plan B.

So just find out what he wants - via email - and then we can help you set up a real Plan B. How does that sound?

Sounds good! I'll post an update when I hear back. Thanks!

I send him an email asking what we need to discuss and this was his response:

"I want to talk to you about the whole situation of our marriage and the house and the finances. We can either talk on the phone or we can meet somewhere."

Clearly I was right, he wants to have the divorce discussion. How should I respond?

Have you retained an attorney?

Not yet...clearly I'm still in denial!

I think you are in shock & crisis. Denial is different.


Does WH have an attorney that you know of?


Tell him you will be ready for that discussion in 2 weeks. Offer to schedule a date to have that talk in 2 weeks.

Meanwhile, hire an attorney.
Dp not go to a gun fight armed with a squirt gun.

Thanks for the advice, Pepperband! I don't think he has an attorney, but I really have no way of knowing for sure. I will take your advice and hire an attorney even though I'm totally heartbroken that it has come to this...

Hiring an attorney will not end your marriage.
Hiring an attorney might make WH stop and think that he may not come away from this smelling like roses.
Divorces are a leading cause for a decreased lifestyle.

WH will probably give you the "Let's divorce & be the best of friends" speech. The WH in the fog will often fantasize that you and "extra-special-OW" will really like each other after a divorce. They forsee many happy "one big family" holidays in the future.

Hire an attorney. Deliver the news in 2 weeks "I am not going to discuss anything about a divorce with you. Here is the contact information for my attorney."

Sometimes, the one who files for the D (or the separation) controls the pace/speed of the process. Find out. That way, it might be in your best interest to file first, so you can drag your feet. Maybe not, but find out.

Thanks for the great tips...I appreciate your wisdom! I don't think he cares about the decreased lifestyle. In fact I think he knows I will be the one going without, not him. He wants to sell the house and use the money to wine & dine the OW and purchase a new Harley Davidson and a new home for them. All while I will be worrying about where my daughter and I will live and what we will do without health insurance...it stinks that he always has the upper hand...literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Your daughter should never be without health insurance if he is insured. The divorce should stipulate that he is responsible for her insurance.

Also, if you have custody of your daughter, then custodial support should help you quite a bit. Get all you can CNY. Make sure you have a good lawyer that can get you most of the house money to help with childcare.

Of course not. He's got his head up his butt.
He will care, eventually. OW will care too.

Hiring an attorney will school you so you will know exactly what YOU will retain.
This is very important so that you do not allow WH to bully you into any agreement favorable to him.


We've seen this scenario play out before. It was not pretty. A poster, Believer, was abandoned by her WH for a married OW. They spent all the retirement, the savings, the equity .... when the money ran out, OW returned to her husband. Party over. When that happened, WH came to Believer hat-in-hand and wanted her to take him back. She was by that time (around 2 years I think) not even remotely interested. He then killed himself. What a stupid waste. Adultery makes normal people stupid, mean, and then bad things happen.

Believer did not listen, did not properly protect herself. She endured numerous false recoveries .... and it turned out badly.

Protect yourself. If you do that, you may also protect the remaining love for your H should he ever return to his senses (in time).
Remember, as you protect yourself, you are also acting on behalf of your child.

Thanks for the encouragement! I just made an appointment for a consult with one of the most prominent divorce attorneys in our area...I'm not bringing the squirt gun!!!

That'a girl.

Prepare a list of questions to hand to the attorney. He/she can go down the list and answer. Keep the list to around 10 items.

Don't be nervous. Be prepared.

If WH wants to know why you need 2 weeks before you will meet with him:

"Thank you so much for asking. I am too emotional to have that discussion right now. I need time to compose myself. Thanks for understanding."

I sent him an email asking what we need to discuss and this was his response:

"I want to talk to you about the whole situation of our marriage and the house and the finances. We can either talk on the phone or we can meet somewhere."

Clearly I was right, he wants to have the divorce discussion. After seeing Pepperband's response, I contacted a lawyer and set up a consultation. Any other suggestions you have for me?

Thank you! I really appreciate your advice!!