I send him an email asking what we need to discuss and this was his response:

"I want to talk to you about the whole situation of our marriage and the house and the finances. We can either talk on the phone or we can meet somewhere."

Clearly I was right, he wants to have the divorce discussion. How should I respond?

Have you retained an attorney?

Not yet...clearly I'm still in denial!

I think you are in shock & crisis. Denial is different.


Does WH have an attorney that you know of?


Tell him you will be ready for that discussion in 2 weeks. Offer to schedule a date to have that talk in 2 weeks.

Meanwhile, hire an attorney.
Dp not go to a gun fight armed with a squirt gun.

Thanks for the advice, Pepperband! I don't think he has an attorney, but I really have no way of knowing for sure. I will take your advice and hire an attorney even though I'm totally heartbroken that it has come to this...

Hiring an attorney will not end your marriage.
Hiring an attorney might make WH stop and think that he may not come away from this smelling like roses.
Divorces are a leading cause for a decreased lifestyle.

WH will probably give you the "Let's divorce & be the best of friends" speech. The WH in the fog will often fantasize that you and "extra-special-OW" will really like each other after a divorce. They forsee many happy "one big family" holidays in the future.

Hire an attorney. Deliver the news in 2 weeks "I am not going to discuss anything about a divorce with you. Here is the contact information for my attorney."

Sometimes, the one who files for the D (or the separation) controls the pace/speed of the process. Find out. That way, it might be in your best interest to file first, so you can drag your feet. Maybe not, but find out.

Thanks for the great tips...I appreciate your wisdom! I don't think he cares about the decreased lifestyle. In fact I think he knows I will be the one going without, not him. He wants to sell the house and use the money to wine & dine the OW and purchase a new Harley Davidson and a new home for them. All while I will be worrying about where my daughter and I will live and what we will do without health insurance...it stinks that he always has the upper hand...literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Your daughter should never be without health insurance if he is insured. The divorce should stipulate that he is responsible for her insurance.

Also, if you have custody of your daughter, then custodial support should help you quite a bit. Get all you can CNY. Make sure you have a good lawyer that can get you most of the house money to help with childcare.

Of course not. He's got his head up his butt.
He will care, eventually. OW will care too.

Hiring an attorney will school you so you will know exactly what YOU will retain.
This is very important so that you do not allow WH to bully you into any agreement favorable to him.


We've seen this scenario play out before. It was not pretty. A poster, Believer, was abandoned by her WH for a married OW. They spent all the retirement, the savings, the equity .... when the money ran out, OW returned to her husband. Party over. When that happened, WH came to Believer hat-in-hand and wanted her to take him back. She was by that time (around 2 years I think) not even remotely interested. He then killed himself. What a stupid waste. Adultery makes normal people stupid, mean, and then bad things happen.

Believer did not listen, did not properly protect herself. She endured numerous false recoveries .... and it turned out badly.

Protect yourself. If you do that, you may also protect the remaining love for your H should he ever return to his senses (in time).
Remember, as you protect yourself, you are also acting on behalf of your child.

Thanks for the encouragement! I just made an appointment for a consult with one of the most prominent divorce attorneys in our area...I'm not bringing the squirt gun!!!

That'a girl.

Prepare a list of questions to hand to the attorney. He/she can go down the list and answer. Keep the list to around 10 items.

Don't be nervous. Be prepared.

If WH wants to know why you need 2 weeks before you will meet with him:

"Thank you so much for asking. I am too emotional to have that discussion right now. I need time to compose myself. Thanks for understanding."

I sent him an email asking what we need to discuss and this was his response:

"I want to talk to you about the whole situation of our marriage and the house and the finances. We can either talk on the phone or we can meet somewhere."

Clearly I was right, he wants to have the divorce discussion. After seeing Pepperband's response, I contacted a lawyer and set up a consultation. Any other suggestions you have for me?

Thank you! I really appreciate your advice!!