Hi All,

Just like to say a big thank you to everyone participating! This is my first post but I have gather lots of valuable info from all the great posts..

Ok, last night I exposed the WW, which involved messaging the OM contacts on FB, family members of W, and her workplace (affair is with a colleague). I just have four of her friends that I will send messages this afternoon on FB.

It�s been 7 months since DDay and I know I left the exposure really late � the affair does seem to trenched in. Exposing is just something I wouldn�t ever think of doing, but was getting desperate to end this A..

Her mum, dad and best friend knew pretty everything early on but have decided to support her with whatever decision she makes, which was a big shock to me. But to be honest I don�t know what she has been saying to them..

W was out with the kids yesterday and was meant to be back for 7pm, I started to expose at 1pm and pretty finished off at 6pm. Started on the OM FB and about half way through got a call from the W BF demanding that I stopped! Ha! I stayed calm and knew that I was hitting the target.!

At around 8pm, I was at home and WW turns up with the police� saying she wants to collect the children�s stuff for school and they�ll be staying at her mums for the night. I just stepped out of the house and let her and her BF get on with it. If anything the police weren�t too happy about the situation as she actually entered the house before they all got there and the officer basically told off the BF for wasting police time!!

Now the W and her parents are furious, not sure if they going to forgive me now. Has anyone been in the situation where the in-laws are steaming?

Also, how long will the fallout last?

Good work my friend on staying cool.

I wouldn't delay in contacting her friends. They will be spinning a PR fantasy to anyone you haven't reached which probably paints you as an abusive husband.

"And I even needed the police to escort me out of there!" She will wail.

Finish it quick. And good work!

Oh and record any time spent alone with her. Crying abuse is common WW tactic.

Another thing you might do is call up the ILs and BF and ask them just WHY they are supporting the affair.

Ask them civilly if there is any reason why they would wish they daughter/BF to break up her family. Is there anything you could be doing better?

Don't argue with them, but if you get a tall story about how you are part demon, ask them if she had 'claimed' anything like that before she was in an adulterous relationship. When they say no, simply say 'I see' and promise them she would be returning to a loving husband.

If they say anything about you that is true, that is sometimes more hurtful. Don't get defensive just promise them that with their support you can offer her more than 'some guy who hits on married women'.

Cheers!

To be honest talking to the IL's is a lost hope at the moment, unless we go into R. Her BF and the IL's are totally behind her and me mentioning the fog or anything like that ... They think I'm nuts! But they don't see what happens behind closed doors!

Took the afternoon off work to pick up the kids so they stay at home tonight. Spoke to a solicitor and she advise that the WW did herself no favours wasting police time - but she only done it to do the big wail!!!

Messages sent to friends, really wished I'd done this earlier but exposing in Plan A just didn't make sense so was waiting for the right time .. Just being a bit of a wimp if I'm honest, and didn't want to rock the boat!

I live in the UK, does anyone have an idea on how companies generally handle affairs at work when they exposed?

This is the first night after the exposure we going to be at home together so should be fun! Any advise on how to handle?

Great job, man! You have taken the most important step to taking your life back.

The craziness will last probably a few days, while she rants and raves at you and tells you ridiculous things like "I was going to end the affair, but you ruined it." Stay calm through it, don't respond with disrespect (as hard as that is), and you may have a good chance to fix your marriage when the dust settles.

Oh and record any time spent alone with her. Crying abuse is common WW tactic.
This CANNOT be too strongly urged, my friend. A few of us have learned (to our dismay) how "fairly" the LEPs and Courts treat BHs when the "Polly Pureheart" starts talking "spousal abuse".

It is NOT too extreme, if you cannot have a VAR working when you and she would be together, to just leave, and return when so protected.

I live in the UK too. Is there a particular need for workplace exposure? Do they work together? Is one a superior of the other? Have they used work time and resources to further their affair?

If the answer to any of these is yes, you need workplace exposure. There are some template letters we can give you, if you can tell us what the situation is.



When we don�t change things ... things don�t change. Excellent to see you are now taking the bull by the horns so unapologetically.



Give us feedback regarding her reaction and we can give you Plan A advice. Never lose your temper. She wants you to, but don�t bat an eyelid.

FIRSTLY, as Neverguessed says, - protect yourself. Dont be alone together without a recording device. I dont like the fact she called the police earlier. Leave if you cant record yourself with her.

SECONDLY read the 'Carrot and Stick of Plan A thread'. It outlines how to be nice without being a doormat. Never apologise for exposure, for hurting OM, but be a sweetie in all GOOD husbandly ways. The goal is to achieve a James Bond level of cool. Never grovel or beg, never lose your cool, but court her all the same.

Some key phrases:

"I will not apologise for running off another man"

"It is not wrong to tell the truth"

"I am sorry you/he finds your affair embarrassing"

(if she threatens divorce) "I do not talk divorce, I talk marriage."

If you have to, excuse yourself to do something lovely and thoughtful as an amazing husband and father. Offer her a drink a nice dinner etc...

FF

I'm in the UK too and I did a work place exposure, I got financial compensation from my H company as they knew of the OW behaviour and allowed it to continue, I did't go to court or anything, just made a big enough fuss that they got scared, especially when I brought up the clause all British companies have which is disciplining any employee that brings the "company into disrepute". My H worked for a large DIY warehouse chain (the one with the big orange logo) and it wasn't easy for them to take workplace affairs seriously as its common in retailers like them but I stuck to my guns, researched and found the right bosses and got it done.

The OW got demoted and a memo put in her personel file stating that should she engage in further relationships with married men in the workplace she would be fired, my H left the company and didn't get into any trouble.

It's not easy but it can be done if the company is big enough and you talk to the right people.

Last night was emotional. I picked up the kids after school and headed up to a neighbours and had a BBQ. W came up with her BF after finishing work and caused a right commotion, demanding the kids come home now and I need to stay out of the house for the next three days. She accused me of being intimidating and harassing her. Gutted I couldn't record the conversation as my battery on my phone was dead. She was fuming so I decided to stay at a friends and come back home in the morning to get the kids ready and drop them off at school.

I usually do breakfast for everyone, so did a cuppa and some porridge for the W, she refused to eat or drink anything and poured her own breakfast - never done that before! She just refuses to talk at all at the moment, so just giving her some space. I�m thinking of getting the kids to bed tonight and staying at a friend again, for one more night � and then ask her to stay out if she cant be in the same house.. What do you think? Just worried she will push on false abuse claims..

The W isn't motivated at all to R and hasn't been for the last few months, just pushing for separation and has threatened D once. Know I drained a lot from the love bank with the exposure, and hoping I can pull it back from here. But prepared for the next couple of weeks to be really tough as the exposure bombs keep blowing up in la la land!

FF

The OP work with my WW, he's in a supervisor role somewhat but works in a different department which does similar work to my WW. I have done a workplace exporsure and sent the an email to the HR director and both the team leaders! They both work for a large legal firm.

I haven�t heard anything yet, only sent the email two days ago, not sure how I should chase up or kick up a fuss as I don�t want to come across as a crazy BH.

Do you have a link to 'Carrot and Stick of Plan A thread'?

FF,


Your focus right now is causing as much conflict in the affair as possible. Also, do not tolerate affair activities around you or your children.

That means she does not call her AP in your presence, does not bring her AP in your home or around your children. It may even mean preparing legal separation with explicit instructions that your children are not to be around the AP. You may want to do what you can to restrict her access to marital funds.


Those are all "stick" items.


Carrot items are; eliminating Love Busters and doing what you can to meet her emotional needs.


Don't worry about LB$ damage due to exposure - you would be in an endless fight without exposure.

Also, are they any signs that I can watch out for that will give me an indication of how well the exposure has worked?

One bit of info I managed to get from the exposure is that the OM is married and separated, with a young child and apparently he's been trying to R with his W - keeping this bit of info too myself until the WW fog has lifted, and maybe show her it then!

FF

No, you need to track down his BW and expose this affair to her as well.

Hi HHH,

Sorry don�t think I was very clear on my last post.. actually not even given you all the details !

I exposed to the OM BW, she was on top of the target list! I went over to a good friends house to do EDay and when I found the BW on the OM FB, my friend recognised her, they both from the same town! He�s actually been on a few dates with the BW best friend (BF) recently. I sent the message to the OM BW on FB and my friend got in touch with the BW BF over text. The BF basically told us that she was unsure if the affair has been going on as the OM has been trying to get back together with his W, we told her we have the proof!

My friend is planning on going for a drink with the BW BF and see what else he can fish from her before I approach my WW with what I know (increase conflict!) because if I do tell my WW what I know, I don�t want her running off to the OM telling him and the possibility of any more information from the BW BF drying up!

Hope that makes sense :0)

You exposed to the BW on Facebook? And your friend is dating the BW's best friend?

Get her address and go round in person with your proof. Or her phone number. Third hand messages are hard to take seriously when you are a BS in shock.

Try not to leave your home any more. You don't want her claiming you left or moving the BF in. Get a recordable device and stand your ground keeping the kids close. Your next move will be to get solid legal advice.

Ps its common for waywards to spie on their BS and intercept messages. Tell her in person.

You can tell exposure worked by how angry they are. The angrier they are, the better your exposure rocked their fantasy land.

Gutted I couldn't record the conversation as my battery on my phone was dead.

Exactly what part of the advice from IG and myself about "Get a recorder and keep it 'on' whenever she is around", did you confuse with "Ignore this advice and attempt to jury-rig a phone solution"?

You're not going to get too many "resets" in this contest, FF. Anything less than 100% attention will NOT work in your favor.

In here you will find the link for the Carrot and Stick of Plan A.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Your right NeverG slipped up and need to get refocused and my game head on! It's just we have never argued in public or with the kids and wasn't expecting her to come around, but nevertheless this isn't normal circumstances so need to be prepared...

If I'm honest the panic is kicking in a little bit and starting to even doubt the strategy, as the pain it's caused with the WW and the ILS - I'm worried that's it's not going to be repairable and maybe just sitting back and letting the affair die naturally might of been a better way..

But deep down I know that's very unlikely, as she built this whole life at work and knowing her and the OM are planning their future together, which is a foggy fantasy that may or may not workout, I guess I can't just sit back ...

She is so angry though, I hate to see her like that..

RocketQ.. The exposure couldn't of worked any better if I was to go by how angry she is ;0)

Indie - I know what you mean pushing on getting more info from the OM BS BF!!

But my friend is going for a drink with her soon and try keeping that side sweet. When we first got in contact with the BF she was slightly reluctant to even tell the OM BW - as they have a child together and she didn't want to rock the boat.. But did speak to her once she knew I'd already been in contact with her on FB

Got a reply back from the HR Director... Any advise on the reply, not sure if I should push a little more!

..........

Thank you for your e-mail.

I have noted the points of your correspondence which will be managed confidentially within the business.

As I�m sure you can appreciate Xxxxxxx maintains a duty of care to all employees including their confidentially and data protection. It will therefore, not be possible for me to provide any further updates.

...................

I guess the fact that they have replied would suggest that the matter is being looked into?!

I'm afraid you must tackle things more confidently than this. Your marriage is under attack, the normal rules don't apply. You might not want to do anything that might upset your friends date, but seriously, bigger problems are at hand.

Just contact her. Civilly, politely, confidently. Don't tread on eggshells worrying about who else is worried about 'rocking the boat'.

If you've already asked the BF for a contact number, and that's not worked - try something else. Look in the phone book or electoral roll. Try 192.com. Google her. Contact or go to her workplace.

While you delay the waywards are giving her a fine tale about how his poor friend has such a jealous husband.

Working from home today, the weather is wonderful in the uk ... hitting temps of 25 C, and the garden is blossoming!

Dealing with a wayward is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It's been going for 7 months now and I had to watch her going from a sensitive, intelligent, loving wife and mother into foggy babbling mess. And the anger directed at me, per expo, slowly building even though I've pulled away from her, tried to minimise the LB and just get on with my life, is becoming unbearable..

We're in a real mess at the moment, neither of us will leave the family home as the custody of the children is something, if we get divorced, will be fought for in court and leaving the family home put you in a massive disadvantage...

Just got a call from the police on the house phone asking for the WW .. Going to stay at home today so need to be prepared her doing something crazy !!

Get my James Bond face on!!

Indie, your right!

My thinking that was any proof I gather now isn't even going to be acknowledge by my WW as she so foggy... And maybe me pushing to see them would make me look even more of an irrational BH, but if I keep it cool and I get the OM BW on side it would be a real bonus... I'll get my mate to arrange a meet...

To give you some more background so I know what angle I should take with OM W..

I found out about the affair in January and my W claims that the affair has been going on since December last year. The OM separated from his W in October, but I suspect the the affair has been going on since June last year as I found a text message on her phone in June which just seemed a bit odd as it was from a number that wasn't stored on her phone, but not enough to really get me suspicious, when I checked the phone a month or so later, that text message had a stored name against it and didn't think much of it. It wasnt until DDay I found that she had stored number against a another man name that is a real geek so no one would suspect anything if it was found!

I guess any proof I have after he separated from his W isn't going to sway her...

Thanks for the kick up the backside indie :0)

Going to stay at home today so need to be prepared her doing something crazy !!

Do you have legal counsel (solicitor, barrister, whatever!) on speed-dial?

Why cant you just call her up or go around today? Getting other people to arrange a meet could take forever. You need to act now! Have you tried to contact her yourself? Searched for a way to reach her?

Dont worry about 'how you look'. You owe this woman a chance to speak with you personally in case she has any questions. This is a moral obligation from one BS to another.

Its important you make the move in case she's been told you are some sort of monster. Contact her, tell her about the A and give her a contact number in case she has follow up questions. Show her you are polite and reasonable and fighting for your marriage.



You're not trying to prove anything to your wife. She already knows she is in an extra marital affair! She's a drunk addict whose opinion does not matter one jot.

You are trying to bust up the A. You're tring to make life harder for the OM to sneak around and see your wife. To let him face the disgust of his family so he cant bring your wife as in as a 'new girlfiend'. You're disrupting their future plans. Have his parents been exposed to btw?

Plus lets spare a thought for the BW, she deserves to know the truth no matter what is in it for you.

I dont like this police business either. Do some research on good lawyers today.

It is lovely weather but Im afraid you have work to do.

ok Indie.. I'll get on it. The whole police thing has taken my focus away from distruping the affair and your right about the the other BS having a right to know..

Any advise on the response from the workplace?

Oh, I have legal advise in place, if she kicks off, will walk into the garden so the neighbours can hear whats going on, if it all come to much will take the kids up a neighbours until she calms down and made sure my phone is fully charged :0)

The proof I was talking about was that the BF had told my mate the OM has been trying to get back together with his W... and he's being doing that whilst having an affait with my WW..

Yes. Waywards are very capable at disrupting you and beating you down. They are experts at preventing people from meddling in their A. We will keep you on course!



Other people who have done this can advise you better. But I would imagine a follow up on your part will be needed. Youve started the ball rolling though and that's the main thing.



This is not the most logicl plan. For a start she may not do anything, and you will not do anything, but later she will go to the police claiming lots of things. Then if a row does start the neighbours may not hear/want to get involved.. the plan is full of holes.

Put the kids in the car drive out to an electrical store today and get a proper recordable device you can keep on whenever you two are alone. Then come home and do research on BW and OM family. Get exposure calls done today if possible.

If you hurry you can get it all done and reward yourself with a cool beer in the garden by 7pm

"Then come home and do research on BW and OM family"

Should I do the research on this site? Have you got any links

Any members advise on the workplace response above?

Also, do I remain in Plan A? She is so furious that she willing to call the police, never mind even talking to me! Since the exposure she barely said a word. Just pure rage! I guess there's no way of meeting her EN, and just avoid LB at this stage?

Use BT's residential phone book. Search 192.com for her address and possibly phone number. Google her name (and profession if you know it) to see if you can find out where she works. Check out her FB page for clues as to where she lives/works.

Yes Plan A. Talk at her, and offer nice things, be attentive, just dont expect anything back. Treat her the way you would treat an abusive drunk. One who might have nice memories of your care when they sober and wake up.

Dont just avoid LB, No LB at all!

Just got an email from her solicitor starting divorce proceeding !! Panicking now! Help guys

FF,

Just got an email from her solicitor starting divorce proceeding !! Panicking now! Help guys

Side effect of the medicine of exposure, since both OM and WW were exposed you have doubled your chance that one of them will be embarrassed or ashamed enough that it will kill their wonderful affair. Sunlight kills mold exposure kills affairs.

Even if you do get divorced you've reduced the probability of this affair continuing and you have stood your ground.

God Bless
Gamma

"Starting divorce proceedings" is not "divorced".

But even given the possibility that she does continue her moral self-disembowelment, what EXACTLY are you imagining you would have lost? There are many worse fates than no longer being married to a skank whose idea of fidelity resembles the little piles of treasure my dog leaves on the lawn each morning.

In America there was a movie several (many?) years ago entitled, The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly. Given what she has decided to do with her life, your future could only have taken one of those three paths:

THE GOOD - You and WW reconcile, and go on to build a better marriage.
THE BAD - You and WW divorce.
THE UGLY - You put up with her forays into infidelity as she desires, and suffer "the death of a thousand cuts".

Exposure has eliminated "The Ugly". You should work toward "The Good", but accept the real possibility of "The Bad".

Yaaawwwwn.

A divorce has been a reality ever since she started doing another man. This is not news. Its not scary. You've endured worse. She is just throwing a big old tantrum and all of her toys out of the pram by doing it NOW right after exposure!

You may even have to file first to protect yourself if your legal advisor says to. You don't have to finalise. Drag it out if you want to. File on paper but to her face say "I don't talk divorce I talk marriage".

Find your pokerface. No matter what she does it isn't ruffling you, got it?

James Bond. Art of War: when weak, appear strong.

Drag it out as long as humanly possible. Counter on grounds of adultery, and threaten to have her AP testify in open court under oath. Offer nothing financially. Pretty much; paint as ugly of a picture as you can of both divorce proceedings and life after divorce.

Do you have proof of adultery with with to file?

Waywards, particularly women, often daydream about what 'choice' they will make and whether they will choose to D, even though they have no real grounds for one!

It tends to bring them up short when they are being divorced as an adulterer. That does not fit in with the 'star of the romantic novel' daydream. Not exactly 'torn between two lovers' but a cheat, plain and simple.

Filing also makes you the petitioner, and the petitioner tends to have more control over the length of the D process than the respondent.

Eday has caused a huge impact - maybe a little too good!!

Only problem is that the ILs are furious! WW parents are separated and remarried and both sets of parents are in total rage!

WW came over last night with her mum and step-dad, as soon as we got a moment to ourselves the mum and WW started screaming at me about packing my bags, just started to fold my clothes that were only drier and accused me of trying to destroy my WW life! She just kept on going on about leaving the house and do the right thing! Accused me of trying to get WW sacked from her job ... Never seen any of them like that, little worries I totally damaged any relationship with them in the future...

Had my trusty recorder so covered myself there , phoned my sister to come over as claim of DV just kept coming, walked out and phoned the police to make them aware of the situation, they actually seemed on side! They ended coming over this morning and took a statement, they seemed quite sympathetic..

Anyway, the whole IL demanding I leave went on for 10 hours until the early hours. I kept the James Bond face and offered a cuppa and biscuit, as well as some pillows and jumper later in the night!!

There not much chance of the WW staying at home anymore, not sure if I just move into plan b?

Also, apart of me thinks that any chance of R is dead, which is a bit of a relief in a way as I'm coming out limbo, but my relationship with WW and IL might be damaged permanently, which is something that would be devastating..

Find out with an attorney how to ensure the kids stay home with you (other than visitation with mom) if WW moves out.

Do not panic.

Be kind but firm.

Do not engage in defending your actions to expose. WW is going to be defending her actions of adultery (even to her seemingly supportive parents).

Focus on the children mostly. This is a rough ride for them.

FF,

Only problem is that the ILs are furious! WW parents are separated and remarried and both sets of parents are in total rage!

Tell them they should be ashamed of themselves for setting a horrible example for their daughter and that their response is just their guilt coming to the surface.

Also they should be glad the moslems haven't taken over England yet or they would have already been stoned.

God Bless
Gamma

The board is packed with people who had unsupportive inlaws. They are Plan B'd too. Very often the WS spends some time away, ends up with a completely destroyed life, realises the A is a fantasy, the AP is a loser and wants to get back with the BS. When this happens the unsupportive inlaw fondly imagines they can go back to being friends with the BS too. Not so.

What is usually advised is that the remorseful WS cuts their dangerous family members out. As people who have proved they will support future affairs, they are very dangerous to recovery. I have seen remorseful spouses (who were just as angry as yours is now at first) come round and bar all contact with their parents until they agree to apologise to their BS properly.

Is mum a wayward herself? Sounds very much like one. Very often young people learn how to lie to their spouse having watched their parents do it.

She may never want to be an honest good person in an affair-proofed marriage. Brace yourself for that possibility - that the M may die. But you are giving her a chance to do better by her family and fighting as much as you can.

I dont see that R is necessarily dead. Many people who have behaved like her after exposure end up remorseful later. Some dont of course.

You can still Plan A from afar. You may even find it easier to swoop by to meet needs for short periods and then retire seamlessly from her rage.

Make sure you get legal advice and complete exposure ASAP. The BW and OM's family in particular is a priority. I have a feeling WW's plans to marry her soulmate shmoopie will all come to naught once the other side discovers the truth.

Good work!

How about some romantic gestures in the mix too? Flowers, notes, 'remember when' messages, gifts?

Send flowers to her workplace! That should create an interesting discussion for them. Teehee

So workplace exposure has caused the desired effect! Thats FANTASTIC news. .

If WW wanted to keep her job she shouldn't bed down with coworkers should she? Silly people.

Work place exposure was done sloppy. Director of HR is at the bottom of the food chain. Exposure must be done to the CEO, Board of Directors as well. The Head of HR can just try to rug sweep things.

If this a law firm all of the partners need to be exposed as well.




Find a copy of britbracs corporate exposure letter and use that. Asking what they Co. is going to do about the affair.

Sorry for what you are going through. Just wanted to say to you good job and don't doubt your exposure.

Make sure you do not talk to your wife without a recorder. Never and I mean NEVER talk to her without one. It may save your life and she cannot be trusted. Nothing like abuse charges coming out against you. My brother was saved by a recorder without one who knows what would have happened.

He recorded all conversations with her and his young daughter. She had my brother removed from His house and he was accused of sexually abusing his daughter. The police came and removed him from his home.

He eventually got custody of his daughter but it was a long fight.

It is ironic that your IL come over with your WW and try to get you to leave your home. Just tell them that the spouse that is cheating and having sex with another man should leave the house. Don't let them bully you.

I would not even bother trying to get back with a woman that acts like this but if you want to then keep up the fight. A person who treats you like this is not worth having anyway.

Protect yourself and your family. She should no longer be your primary concern. You are the prize and she would be darn lucky to have you. Stand your ground. Best of luck my friend. Your in a club that nobody wants to be in.

Any update FF?