WH left me 18 mths ago; affair...But hes interjecting some thoughts...Where should I be in these forums? Thank you

You are in the correct forum! Welcome...

Welcome.

Have you read this? SAA-Start Here First

OK so I don't know exactly what Im hoping to find here...Heres goes..

WAS married for 25 years. WH had several 1 nite stands, 2 affairs and the one he left me for 18 mths ago.

I guess what Im looking for is help in interpreting his words.

We had not seen each other or talked since he left.

Last year he started texting me little inuendos that I did not entertain as I had decided he would have to not live with OW before I talked to him about anything important. When I explained that he or maybe the OW blocked me; email, text...

In March I bought the house in my own name...There were MANY stumbling blocks...Then all of a sudden BOOM call after call after call and when I didn't answer a PLEASE call me from WH.

I called. I could tell his words were from the gut but didn't hold any water with me. They were..Im so very sorry for everything I have ever done to you, I don't sleep thinking of everything, theres still something there, I will do whatever to help...

After that again with the little texts that you don't have to be a genius to figure out what he was saying...Again I didn't entertain...

Then I found out some garbage the OW said to our daughter and I lost it in a text. Next thing I get a text STAY OUT OF MY LIFE IM DONE WITH YOU. Well I know da$# well that wasn't him.

So after that have heard nothing,,,Just a couple quips.

THEN...AGAIN BOOM...He drives by house while we are outside...I expected him not to stop but he does...COmments on the house paint looking good and ...Anyway...I walked away she chatted...He said cant believe mom just walked away.

Then my daughter says...Mom his hearts not with her but if you don't change your attitude hes never gonna come back...So I explain the he has to leave the OW and she said you know he wont do that if he cant have you...


Again, don't know what Im looking for here but any comments?


Thank you

It sounds to me like he gets bored and starts looking for new action. So he is just doing to this current OW what he has done to you for 25 years. You are a potential option for him, one of many.

I would go into an air-tight Plan B, file for divorce and if he makes a miraculous and radical 180 degree change in the time it takes to finalize a divorce,[unlikely] you could consider taking him back.

The problem with your husband is that he is a serial cheater so this is a way of life with him. It is very unlikely he will change in the future.

Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and I feel this is true here. Sorry.

Who is the OW? He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Are you divorced? Is he still with OW?

OW is his usual suspect BARFLY...MANY previous marriages and "realtionships" lasting less than 3 yrs ea except for 1st marriage...Yes, he is still with it...

He left on a Monday...I filed on Wed....Divorce final 45 days later; Dec 2012

So if he is still with her and trying to talk to you on the side he is repeating everything he did to you your whole marriage. Do you really want to go back to that?

You must look at his actions. His words mean nothing. They are just that, words.

Why not go complete no contact with him and keep working on your self healing?

You deserve so much better.

That's what I am really trying to do...Forgot to add...He told someone when he got into this he was "WASTED"...Forgot hes a alcoholic as part of the intro to you...A lot less drinking now. Yes, it is a cake thing...

Prob is I do love him....

But I know you are right

Did you ever properly expose any of his affairs?

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's material on alcoholics?

What does your DD18 think of her dad's affair?

Have you ever had anytime without contact from him?

Yes. ALL exposed properly.
Yes. Read on Drs material.
Daughter upset but says hed be back if I would calm down...
Yes. No contact at all for 9 months.

I'm really concerned that your daughter has gotten this idea that you have to compete with and vie for a man's love.

That attitude isn't going to work out well for her.

If you show her how much happier you are with a dark Plan B, she will get it - hold out for Mr Good Guy!

If my Dad had cheated on my mother so repeatedly and so unremorsefully - he would be dead to me!!!!

Sending you 'innuendo' texts is an insulting way of treating you.

Do you want to be back with him?

Did you ever give him a path back to you? A list of conditions, that if he should meet you would consider taking him back?

Have you dated since your divorce?

Your DD18 is okay with you going back to him when he's abused you so bad? An affair is horrible abuse.

Please read this and listen to the clips and tell me which one you think your WXH is.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Wants her family back.

Success!!

That is an odd reaction. Does she know why you are divorced? Does she know the history of his affairs?

Yes she does. Says it was both our faults.

What conditions did you give him? Has he met any of them?

His serial cheating was your fault?

It sounds like your daughter has been brainwashed by a corrupt father, which is understandable. Is the the issue? I would just explain to her that staying married to a serial cheater is not how a healthy, functioning woman should behave.

Please read. Serial Cheaters

That he not be with OW b4 we'd do other than chit chat about non important things...My daughter says that won't happen unless I reach out to him...as he won't because he doesn't want to me with disdain...

It doesn't sound like your daughter really understands the effect his affairs have had on you. The fact that your XH is an alcoholic and a serial cheater makes him a dangerous person who is to be avoided. The fact she doesn't understand this is just fine. What wouldn't be fine is if you resumed contact with him. That would only hurt your own personal recovery.

I would take this a step further and make sure that he cannot get through to you in any way. Tell your daughter you don't want her to pass on any messages or talk about him anymore. He is the worst thing that ever happened to you in your lifetime and continued contact only reminds you of the worse tragedy of your life.

Shutting him out of your life entirely is the best thing for your mental and physical health.

I suggest you that you write a "letter of no trespass" to your ex husband.
You can get a letter from some police departments (through google) or just have an attorney write one and mail it by certified mail.
That way you dont have to be outside worried that he will drive by and stop.

If you dont set clear boundaries, you will never heal.

I don't fear him at all...Hes just a dumbas%...

Yes I understand.
But every interaction with him is an "emotional trigger," and you will be caught up in drama and miss out on the joys of life with continued contact.

So tell me why do I love this guy? And despise dating???

This article by Dr. Harley may help you answer your question:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

Was one of his conditions to stop drinking and follow the AA program?

Have you ever been to AlAnon? How about your DD18 has she been to AlAnon?

Because the minute you are close to healing he drags you back into his drama. Making you and his crazy mistress co-competitors. I bet he absolutely loved making her jealous by making contact with you. It must have been like old times with two women saying 'pick me!'

Love is like a drug. If you stop taking hits it goes away. Heartbreak is going cold turkey.

Three weeks and you're through the worst and are now free. Like a bad flu.

Why does a woman with adult children have his number or accept messages? There are women on this site with tiny children who use third parties to communicate to avoid the insults of a cheater. He will be booty calling you next.

He doesn't get visitation with you! Change your phone number and email, ban mention of his name in the hope your daughter will escape seeing this as normal. She is easy pickings for a cruel man because she thinks infidelity is normal. I dread to think what her dates are like.

Put your boots on and walk into your life.

Yes

Funny question I know but does anyone possibly know what this could mean??


Can we Love each other enough,To ignore each other enough!

Stop contacting him. I'm a medic in the military and you know what I tell my sailors when they get hurt? "Well doc my arm hurts when I do this. " I tell them first thing you need to do is STOP doing it.

Im not contacting him

Good. When are you going to an AlAnon meeting?

Have you written Dr. Harley?

Yes going to meetings...

Write Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Don't think I would like to do that....

Why not? Have you ever listened to MB radio?

No I haven't...and where and how do I begin my saga?

Did you read this? Send your email to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

If you click the listen now on the top right corner of your page you can listen right now.

So....My WH affair is over. I told him I would not have anything to do with him or speak to him till he moved out...I am hearing he wants to speak to me....Thoughts please...

Are you in Plan B?

Yes I am

Merged threads. Please stick to one thread.

Did you ever write Dr. Harley?

No daughter been ill attending to that

I don't understand

You later stated that you were in Plan B.

What exactly is Your version of Plan B?

How did you hear that his affair is over?

Did you give him a Plan B Letter, which would have caringly described your love for him and a desire to reconcile your marriage, along with specifically pointing out what it would take before you even contemplate reconciliation?

Do you use an IM?

Have you changed your contact information, such as your e-mail address and cell phone number?

LTL

If you were in Plan B you wouldn't know that. Plan B blocks out all contact and makes it impossible for him to reach you. You need friend to act as an intermediary and you should hear nothing except what comes through them. Which should be nothing except finances/child visits/he is ready to fulfil recovery conditions in full.

You should not be getting told "he wants to talk". Of course he does! ALL wayward spouses want their cake back.

You are in Plan C - the plan most likely to lead to divorce and/or nervous breakdowns.