I love my husband, we have 2 kids and a lot of history, but I just can't believe him at this point. He lies and hides and deletes constantly, but if I didn't know what he was up to I would think he is great aside from some issues otherwise.

The day before I was due with our son I found out he'd been chatting online with multiple people in a sexual manner for pretty much my entire pregnancy!! He had left his chats open on accident and when I opened the computer there they were. I was overwhelmed and devastated. I sought counseling and he agreed to attend. I was learning to trust him again, but still wondered when a couple months ago I discovered he'd been emailing women on cl personals ads (local ones to boot!). It took a week for him to sort-of confess but I know he didn't give me the whole truth. He wanted to know what I knew (so he could just admit to that I assume). Says he doesn't know why he does it.

He chalked some of it up to boredom and tried to convince me that they were doing it (emailing cl pers ads) in the shop and one of his female coworkers got caught by her husband emailing some guy on cl too! Entertainment or not, it's wrong. I know he is still doing it yet he is asking me when I'm going to stop searching for things (he got some random text at 2am the other day and claimed it was just 'code' not a picture as The phone bill says, and it was oddly from an email not a number)... I also found a chat he had with some girl 7 months ago online when I downloaded a google app (not looking it literally just showed up!).
We've been through 3 deployments and I am now wondering what he was doing online while away. He thinks I should just get over it. Says he'll stop, but I have to stop looking (right....).

I want to be with this man, but I've lost 99% of hope that he will in fact discontinue online sexual chats with women and chatting with locals has just cut me to the core - how do I know he hasn't actually met up with someone on his lunch break? I don't! And I used to think he would never physically cheat on me, but now I have no clue.

Hurting and need some advice.
P.S. He has so far refused to go back to marriage counseling.

The first thing you should do is snoop as much as possible, without his knowledge.
Did you save evidence of his craiglist emails?

Also, place a GPS unit on his vehicle.
Install keylogger software on your home computer.

Your husband is addicted to having these online affairs. You have plenty of evidence. You will need to expose this activity to everyone who has any influence over your husband. Then he will need to agree to extraordinary precautions that will make this activity impossible. He will have to give up private online access. As to further deployments, these will destroy your marriage. He can not be trusted by himself. You both can not risk ever being separated overnight.

Hi JessKnut, as Jedi has stated, you absolutely need to place a GPS unit on his vehicle.

What sort of shop does your husband work in? It is a big red flag that he even KNOWS that a female co-worker also got caught emailing with someone on CL.

GOOD FOR YOU if you were looking for evidence online. You should be looking! People in healthy loving marriages are transparent about everything in their lives together. They WANT to be an open book for their spouse, and they are delighted that their spouse cares enough to want to see everything in their lives.

An affair doesn't have to be physical to be called an affair. Each time that your husband is focusing and giving his attention to other women online, he is depriving you of that same attention and thought. He is allowing other people to meet his needs, rather than you, his wife.

How long have you been married?

When I tried to recover deleted texts last year between him and a girl he claims he was texting for a friend (42 texts over 3 days) he said he will NEVER allow me to do anything like that. Which is comical because our therapist said why not just let her see that it was no big deal and it was for your friend and he again said he will never allow me to see. He likes to use the phrase "I knew I shouldn't have deleted the text(s) so you could see" although he almost always does delete them.
I probably sound like a fool. What I want is for him to stop and for us to stay together. I don't want a divorce.

Do you have access to his phone? If so, you may be able to install spyware.

Since your husband is active duty military, make an appointment with his Commander (the Commander, not his First Sargent). Take copies of your evidence. Tell the Commander that you want your husband to stop this behavior.

AM

I'm far too afraid to jailbreak his phone... He's the type that updates the second a new iOS is out. They come out so often and I don't really have access outside of his presence anyhow.

I've known him for 13 1/2 years and we've been married almost 7 years.
He's clearly not giving it up, he's not seeking help he just wants privacy to continue the behavior. He sees it as a huge violation for me to snoop, probably because he has so much to hide!
I've thought about moving out. I would've left if nothing more than a wake up call as to how much this is hurting me, but there is nowhere to go here with two kids and I can't go home across the country, my father is in a skilled nursing facility here after a health emergency at the end of his vacation to see us a month and a half ago. He'll be here for a few months more.
Unfortunately, my husband may be going on tdy often when he gets to his new unit. Great. His friend already talks about all the hooking up he does on tdy. That guy is single at least.

Are you going to expose his affairs? To the IG?

JessKnut,

Do you have any evidence you could give to the military?
Did you save any screenshots etc?

If I was definitely leaving him I'd consider going to IG, but I don't have much evidence (wasn't able to get many screen shots because he's always around when I have access). Plus, I don't want to ruin our finances by him losing rank or anything. And of course most of our debt is under my name so I don't want to be stuck with the bill, you know?
Most of what I have is what fake accts trying to get his cc info by signing up with random 'dating/escort' sites sent to him unfortunately. He got those emails because he replied to personals ads, but the thread doesn't show because of him giving his personal email. He's since stopped using his email, but I think he may have created a secret one. He never uses the home computer or I probably would have installed something on there already.

Is there another program like teensafe out there? Something maybe that shows pics too? He uses his ipad and iphone.

You need to focus on getting evidence.
He is probably having multiple sexual affairs; for some reason he has somehow convinced you nothing sexual has occurred but men only contact women for sex, not as a joke around the office as he claims.

I think it would be best if you had some evidence before reporting him to the IG office, WHICH YOU SHOULD CERTAINLY DO.

His behavior needs exposed far and wide.

Get a GPS unit installed on his car.

No, you do not sound like a fool at all. Just a trusting spouse who thought the best of her husband for way too long. Many of us have been there, done that.

Have you seen this? ----> What is GASLIGHTING?

Oh dear!

You are not a fool at all.

Now, read all the MarriageBuilder's concepts you can. Study them and work them.

You are no one's fool but now you know there is stuff you didn't know and you will deal with it!

I can already track him via find my iphone... I don't utilize it that often though, but he knows I can.
Also, he invited me to his therapy session a couple of days ago, but made me promise to not bring up our relationship. I only brought up things referencing things he already told me he'd talked with that therapist specifically about (for understanding). By the end of the session shed asked if I thought our marriage was in trouble and mentioned he did not think so at all (I know he doesn't talk about our issues with her nor does he think what he's been doing is wrong). At any rate she referred us to marriage counseling and he finally agreed to go!
Although, after we left he asked if we really had to go and I said he already agreed. He also said "from here on out if you find anything, then I'll go". I stood firm and said we need to go and how would I know with all the secrecy and deleting... I also brought up how he deletes so many text messages and I know the cl personals ones aren't innocent and saying things like "hey, how's your day?" And he agreed that duh, they are not like that.
I also told him he married me and I married him and not him plus a bunch of females online. He also agreed. I also told him I didn't think he'd just stopped after doing this for years and why should I? And I think he saw my point.
All that being said, I don't think he's completely stopped, because he is good at being sneaky, but I am thrilled he said he'd go to counseling!

I encourage you not to go to marriage counseling.
It will NOT help your marriage

What about marriage counselling with Steve Harley? It is done via telephone (which reluctant spouses often prefer as it is less confrontational), he counsels each spouse separately (which means your sessions are "private") and, most importantly, Steve follows all the MB principles.

You need to get spyware on his phone ASAP so you can see for yourself. Why would he delete them at all if there was nothing to hide. I don't delete messages from my phone.

When can you get spyware put on his phone?

Jess, I feel like you are accepting crumbs for yourself. Your WH is a serial cheater who has had numerous online affairs. I personally highly doubt he has ONLY had online affairs. He does not seem to even understand that what he has done was wrong and damaging, much less be willing to do what it takes to recover a marriage from the harm he has done.

You need to demand that he immediately instill Dr H's Extraordinary Precautions. I am not good at linking but perhaps someone can link the full list here. These are precautions that you set up to protect your marriage from another affair. In his case, this would definitely include NO access to the internet, and no ability to online chat with members of the opposite sex.

I would also highly recommend that you require him to take a polygraph. MANY people on this site who do not feel like they have all of the information about their marriage, have required this as a condition for recovery. You can ask him to write a timeline out of his affairs before hand, and you can provide him with a list of questions that you want answered based on that timeline. The actual test can only include a handful of specific questions, but he does not need to know that, and he does not need to know WHICH questions will be on the test. It is not uncommon for people to get the last bit of truth in the parking lot of the polygraph place.

I suspect he has a very deep SSL (secret second life) and you have only skimmed the top of discovery, I am sorry to say. If this is true, he will likely NOT agree to EP's or a polygraph. But, unless you want to continue in a lifelong marriage of lies and deceit (and maybe children with other women, diseases, etc), and die a death of a thousand cuts, you need to require more for yourself.

Can your husband live by these? Listen to the clips at the end also.

Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

Thanks BH!

Jess, you can also add to this list given the specific circumstances of your WH's affairs. In his case, since he instigates and conducts much if not all of his affairs online, you would want to include no access to the internet or any place he has the ability to online chat with other women.

Well, thanks for all of the advice. I'm pretty sure our marriage is over. I found out he has signed up with online dating sites and he is definitely giving out his cell number and trying to meet up with people... In our house, his truck, or anywhere. I still have no evidence that he's actually met with someone, but I'm sure he's planning to. He even brought up getting a vasectomy last week. I've asked him for two years to and he wouldn't (didn't want to lose his manhood), but now I'm thinking he just doesn't want to get someone pregnant.
I'm really sad because I don't want our family to split, but numb at the same time. Haven't confronted him yet, waiting until after this week. Not sure how I'm going to confront him yet. I did find out he is storing girls' numbers under people who appear to be work contacts, yet I've never heard of these work friends. I only know of 1 for sure, but I bet more sgts, etc are not really in the army or at least not their numbers.
He still is acting so sweet and nice and I can't believe how well he's hiding it all. It's creepy.
I'm pretty sure he's going to runaway when I bring it up.

Oddly enough, he just signed up for the dating websites in the last week or some of them anyway.

JessKnut, how long have you been married?

Are you willing to expose these behaviors, at least to your family and friends?

Coming up on 7 years and a select number of people know

What's holding you back from Exposing these affair hook ups and e-mail/texting solicitations?

Even if you choose to D or Plan B, exposure can create a support system for you, which you will need.

Additionally, it will shine a glaring light magnified on his current behavior and you may expect others in command to hold him accountable for his embarrassing and despicable behavior.

He ii Military, right?

Follow the exposure steps to the IG and the entire chain of command. They WILL get involved and help.

LTL

I need his financial support, if he gets knocked down he'll make less money and I can barely afford rent on what I make. Why potentially worsen the situation if we do Divorce? Either that or they won't do anything because he's not that high up. I am trying to figure out how to confront him still. I need a little more time for myself. Want to get through my work week because I'm only commission and I need everything I can get! Don't want to have no one to watch the kids Saturday.

I have witnessed several wives that came to MB and exposed to the military and the wayward husband faced disciplinary action, irregardless of his rank

Seriously?
You dont want to expose because you are worried he wont babysit the kids for you on Saturday?

Your marriage can NEVER recover under these circumstances because he is out looking for whores while you REFUSE to expose his behavior!

There is no hope if you are unwilling to do a thorough exposure.

What do you mean when you say that a select number of people know?

If you are hesitating on a full blown exposure because you want to safeguard your husband's job, please understand that HE is making these dangerous choices. Without any consequences for his behavior, it sounds like he is on a quickly descending spiral.

Your husband will eventually get caught anyway, and then even if divorced, you will still not have the same financial support as you do now. Wouldn't it be better to err on the side of doing everything possible to pull your husband out of this pigpen so that he can become a better father for your children?

Is your own Father still recovering nearby to you? Does he know about your husband's activities?

Yes, my father is still nearby, he will be for a few months. He does know.

And you're right, I am hesitating. I am trying to find the courage, but I'm afraid for it to end - it's hard to think about moving on and being a single parent. Like I said before, I think it would be easier if I was already at home where I have a support system, but I'm not. I'm also debating as to the how. Do I try to set up a meeting with him somewhere (as if I was someone else and confront him then) or do I just lay it out in front of him at home? And how do I start without having him immediately leave? We have some mutual friends that I'm trying to get ahold of for advice, one being a professional mediator who has known my husband since he was a child and also deals with a lot of divorces/separations in his line of work.

You don't know that you are going to end up a single parent but right now you are letting him have his affair.

You need to do this for yourself!!!!

But it has already ended! You do see that, correct? The marriage that you thought that you had�the one where you both work together and have each other's back�that has already ended. Right now what you have is an arrangement where you take his financial help and you see to all of the responsibility for your home and your children, and in return you shut up while he abuses (via his dishonesty) you and himself (and the children). Is this what you want?

I would not even bother confronting him unless you plan to do a full blown exposure first. Trying to reason with him while he is so deeply (and brazenly!) carrying on such a SSL is not going to get you anywhere. All that it will do is cause him to learn to hide better, and gaslight you better!

If you decide to expose, here is what you do. You don't say a word to him yet about all of the new info that you have discovered, and instead you systematically prepare for a full blown exposure, including telling the military.

THEN you carry it out all in one fell swoop on the same day.