You need to get spyware on his phone ASAP so you can see for yourself. Why would he delete them at all if there was nothing to hide. I don't delete messages from my phone.

When can you get spyware put on his phone?

Jess, I feel like you are accepting crumbs for yourself. Your WH is a serial cheater who has had numerous online affairs. I personally highly doubt he has ONLY had online affairs. He does not seem to even understand that what he has done was wrong and damaging, much less be willing to do what it takes to recover a marriage from the harm he has done.

You need to demand that he immediately instill Dr H's Extraordinary Precautions. I am not good at linking but perhaps someone can link the full list here. These are precautions that you set up to protect your marriage from another affair. In his case, this would definitely include NO access to the internet, and no ability to online chat with members of the opposite sex.

I would also highly recommend that you require him to take a polygraph. MANY people on this site who do not feel like they have all of the information about their marriage, have required this as a condition for recovery. You can ask him to write a timeline out of his affairs before hand, and you can provide him with a list of questions that you want answered based on that timeline. The actual test can only include a handful of specific questions, but he does not need to know that, and he does not need to know WHICH questions will be on the test. It is not uncommon for people to get the last bit of truth in the parking lot of the polygraph place.

I suspect he has a very deep SSL (secret second life) and you have only skimmed the top of discovery, I am sorry to say. If this is true, he will likely NOT agree to EP's or a polygraph. But, unless you want to continue in a lifelong marriage of lies and deceit (and maybe children with other women, diseases, etc), and die a death of a thousand cuts, you need to require more for yourself.

Can your husband live by these? Listen to the clips at the end also.

Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

Thanks BH!

Jess, you can also add to this list given the specific circumstances of your WH's affairs. In his case, since he instigates and conducts much if not all of his affairs online, you would want to include no access to the internet or any place he has the ability to online chat with other women.

Well, thanks for all of the advice. I'm pretty sure our marriage is over. I found out he has signed up with online dating sites and he is definitely giving out his cell number and trying to meet up with people... In our house, his truck, or anywhere. I still have no evidence that he's actually met with someone, but I'm sure he's planning to. He even brought up getting a vasectomy last week. I've asked him for two years to and he wouldn't (didn't want to lose his manhood), but now I'm thinking he just doesn't want to get someone pregnant.
I'm really sad because I don't want our family to split, but numb at the same time. Haven't confronted him yet, waiting until after this week. Not sure how I'm going to confront him yet. I did find out he is storing girls' numbers under people who appear to be work contacts, yet I've never heard of these work friends. I only know of 1 for sure, but I bet more sgts, etc are not really in the army or at least not their numbers.
He still is acting so sweet and nice and I can't believe how well he's hiding it all. It's creepy.
I'm pretty sure he's going to runaway when I bring it up.

Oddly enough, he just signed up for the dating websites in the last week or some of them anyway.

JessKnut, how long have you been married?

Are you willing to expose these behaviors, at least to your family and friends?

Coming up on 7 years and a select number of people know

What's holding you back from Exposing these affair hook ups and e-mail/texting solicitations?

Even if you choose to D or Plan B, exposure can create a support system for you, which you will need.

Additionally, it will shine a glaring light magnified on his current behavior and you may expect others in command to hold him accountable for his embarrassing and despicable behavior.

He ii Military, right?

Follow the exposure steps to the IG and the entire chain of command. They WILL get involved and help.

LTL

I need his financial support, if he gets knocked down he'll make less money and I can barely afford rent on what I make. Why potentially worsen the situation if we do Divorce? Either that or they won't do anything because he's not that high up. I am trying to figure out how to confront him still. I need a little more time for myself. Want to get through my work week because I'm only commission and I need everything I can get! Don't want to have no one to watch the kids Saturday.

I have witnessed several wives that came to MB and exposed to the military and the wayward husband faced disciplinary action, irregardless of his rank

Seriously?
You dont want to expose because you are worried he wont babysit the kids for you on Saturday?

Your marriage can NEVER recover under these circumstances because he is out looking for whores while you REFUSE to expose his behavior!

There is no hope if you are unwilling to do a thorough exposure.

What do you mean when you say that a select number of people know?

If you are hesitating on a full blown exposure because you want to safeguard your husband's job, please understand that HE is making these dangerous choices. Without any consequences for his behavior, it sounds like he is on a quickly descending spiral.

Your husband will eventually get caught anyway, and then even if divorced, you will still not have the same financial support as you do now. Wouldn't it be better to err on the side of doing everything possible to pull your husband out of this pigpen so that he can become a better father for your children?

Is your own Father still recovering nearby to you? Does he know about your husband's activities?

Yes, my father is still nearby, he will be for a few months. He does know.

And you're right, I am hesitating. I am trying to find the courage, but I'm afraid for it to end - it's hard to think about moving on and being a single parent. Like I said before, I think it would be easier if I was already at home where I have a support system, but I'm not. I'm also debating as to the how. Do I try to set up a meeting with him somewhere (as if I was someone else and confront him then) or do I just lay it out in front of him at home? And how do I start without having him immediately leave? We have some mutual friends that I'm trying to get ahold of for advice, one being a professional mediator who has known my husband since he was a child and also deals with a lot of divorces/separations in his line of work.

You don't know that you are going to end up a single parent but right now you are letting him have his affair.

You need to do this for yourself!!!!

But it has already ended! You do see that, correct? The marriage that you thought that you had�the one where you both work together and have each other's back�that has already ended. Right now what you have is an arrangement where you take his financial help and you see to all of the responsibility for your home and your children, and in return you shut up while he abuses (via his dishonesty) you and himself (and the children). Is this what you want?

I would not even bother confronting him unless you plan to do a full blown exposure first. Trying to reason with him while he is so deeply (and brazenly!) carrying on such a SSL is not going to get you anywhere. All that it will do is cause him to learn to hide better, and gaslight you better!

If you decide to expose, here is what you do. You don't say a word to him yet about all of the new info that you have discovered, and instead you systematically prepare for a full blown exposure, including telling the military.

THEN you carry it out all in one fell swoop on the same day.