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I love my husband, we have 2 kids and a lot of history, but I just can't believe him at this point. He lies and hides and deletes constantly, but if I didn't know what he was up to I would think he is great aside from some issues otherwise.

The day before I was due with our son I found out he'd been chatting online with multiple people in a sexual manner for pretty much my entire pregnancy!! He had left his chats open on accident and when I opened the computer there they were. I was overwhelmed and devastated. I sought counseling and he agreed to attend. I was learning to trust him again, but still wondered when a couple months ago I discovered he'd been emailing women on cl personals ads (local ones to boot!). It took a week for him to sort-of confess but I know he didn't give me the whole truth. He wanted to know what I knew (so he could just admit to that I assume). Says he doesn't know why he does it.

He chalked some of it up to boredom and tried to convince me that they were doing it (emailing cl pers ads) in the shop and one of his female coworkers got caught by her husband emailing some guy on cl too! Entertainment or not, it's wrong. I know he is still doing it yet he is asking me when I'm going to stop searching for things (he got some random text at 2am the other day and claimed it was just 'code' not a picture as The phone bill says, and it was oddly from an email not a number)... I also found a chat he had with some girl 7 months ago online when I downloaded a google app (not looking it literally just showed up!).
We've been through 3 deployments and I am now wondering what he was doing online while away. He thinks I should just get over it. Says he'll stop, but I have to stop looking (right....).

I want to be with this man, but I've lost 99% of hope that he will in fact discontinue online sexual chats with women and chatting with locals has just cut me to the core - how do I know he hasn't actually met up with someone on his lunch break? I don't! And I used to think he would never physically cheat on me, but now I have no clue.

Hurting and need some advice.
P.S. He has so far refused to go back to marriage counseling.

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The first thing you should do is snoop as much as possible, without his knowledge.
Did you save evidence of his craiglist emails?

Also, place a GPS unit on his vehicle.
Install keylogger software on your home computer.

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Your husband is addicted to having these online affairs. You have plenty of evidence. You will need to expose this activity to everyone who has any influence over your husband. Then he will need to agree to extraordinary precautions that will make this activity impossible. He will have to give up private online access. As to further deployments, these will destroy your marriage. He can not be trusted by himself. You both can not risk ever being separated overnight.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Hi JessKnut, as Jedi has stated, you absolutely need to place a GPS unit on his vehicle.

What sort of shop does your husband work in? It is a big red flag that he even KNOWS that a female co-worker also got caught emailing with someone on CL.

GOOD FOR YOU if you were looking for evidence online. You should be looking! People in healthy loving marriages are transparent about everything in their lives together. They WANT to be an open book for their spouse, and they are delighted that their spouse cares enough to want to see everything in their lives.

An affair doesn't have to be physical to be called an affair. Each time that your husband is focusing and giving his attention to other women online, he is depriving you of that same attention and thought. He is allowing other people to meet his needs, rather than you, his wife.

How long have you been married?



DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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When I tried to recover deleted texts last year between him and a girl he claims he was texting for a friend (42 texts over 3 days) he said he will NEVER allow me to do anything like that. Which is comical because our therapist said why not just let her see that it was no big deal and it was for your friend and he again said he will never allow me to see. He likes to use the phrase "I knew I shouldn't have deleted the text(s) so you could see" although he almost always does delete them.
I probably sound like a fool. What I want is for him to stop and for us to stay together. I don't want a divorce.

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Originally Posted by JessKnut
When I tried to recover deleted texts last year between him and a girl he claims he was texting for a friend (42 texts over 3 days) he said he will NEVER allow me to do anything like that. Which is comical because our therapist said why not just let her see that it was no big deal and it was for your friend and he again said he will never allow me to see. He likes to use the phrase "I knew I shouldn't have deleted the text(s) so you could see" although he almost always does delete them.
I probably sound like a fool. What I want is for him to stop and for us to stay together. I don't want a divorce.

Do you have access to his phone? If so, you may be able to install spyware.

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Since your husband is active duty military, make an appointment with his Commander (the Commander, not his First Sargent). Take copies of your evidence. Tell the Commander that you want your husband to stop this behavior.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I'm far too afraid to jailbreak his phone... He's the type that updates the second a new iOS is out. They come out so often and I don't really have access outside of his presence anyhow.

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I've known him for 13 1/2 years and we've been married almost 7 years.
He's clearly not giving it up, he's not seeking help he just wants privacy to continue the behavior. He sees it as a huge violation for me to snoop, probably because he has so much to hide!
I've thought about moving out. I would've left if nothing more than a wake up call as to how much this is hurting me, but there is nowhere to go here with two kids and I can't go home across the country, my father is in a skilled nursing facility here after a health emergency at the end of his vacation to see us a month and a half ago. He'll be here for a few months more.
Unfortunately, my husband may be going on tdy often when he gets to his new unit. Great. His friend already talks about all the hooking up he does on tdy. That guy is single at least.

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Are you going to expose his affairs? To the IG?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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JessKnut,

Do you have any evidence you could give to the military?
Did you save any screenshots etc?

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If I was definitely leaving him I'd consider going to IG, but I don't have much evidence (wasn't able to get many screen shots because he's always around when I have access). Plus, I don't want to ruin our finances by him losing rank or anything. And of course most of our debt is under my name so I don't want to be stuck with the bill, you know?
Most of what I have is what fake accts trying to get his cc info by signing up with random 'dating/escort' sites sent to him unfortunately. He got those emails because he replied to personals ads, but the thread doesn't show because of him giving his personal email. He's since stopped using his email, but I think he may have created a secret one. He never uses the home computer or I probably would have installed something on there already.

Is there another program like teensafe out there? Something maybe that shows pics too? He uses his ipad and iphone.

Last edited by JessKnut; 08/11/14 08:18 PM.
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Originally Posted by JessKnut
If I was definitely leaving him I'd consider going to IG, but I don't have much evidence (wasn't able to get many screen shots because he's always around when I have access). Plus, I don't want to ruin our finances by him losing rank or anything. And of course most of our debt is under my name so I don't want to be stuck with the bill, you know?
Most of what I have is what fake accts trying to get his cc info by signing up with random 'dating/escort' sites sent to him unfortunately. He got those emails because he replied to personals ads, but the thread doesn't show because of him giving his personal email. He's since stopped using his email, but I think he may have created a secret one. He never uses the home computer or I probably would have installed something on there already.

Is there another program like teensafe out there? Something maybe that shows pics too? He uses his ipad and iphone.

You need to focus on getting evidence.
He is probably having multiple sexual affairs; for some reason he has somehow convinced you nothing sexual has occurred but men only contact women for sex, not as a joke around the office as he claims.

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I think it would be best if you had some evidence before reporting him to the IG office, WHICH YOU SHOULD CERTAINLY DO.

His behavior needs exposed far and wide.


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Get a GPS unit installed on his car.

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Originally Posted by JessKnut
I probably sound like a fool. What I want is for him to stop and for us to stay together. I don't want a divorce.
No, you do not sound like a fool at all. Just a trusting spouse who thought the best of her husband for way too long. Many of us have been there, done that.

Have you seen this? ----> What is GASLIGHTING?


DDays - six months of them
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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Oh dear!

You are not a fool at all.

Now, read all the MarriageBuilder's concepts you can. Study them and work them.

You are no one's fool but now you know there is stuff you didn't know and you will deal with it!

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I can already track him via find my iphone... I don't utilize it that often though, but he knows I can.
Also, he invited me to his therapy session a couple of days ago, but made me promise to not bring up our relationship. I only brought up things referencing things he already told me he'd talked with that therapist specifically about (for understanding). By the end of the session shed asked if I thought our marriage was in trouble and mentioned he did not think so at all (I know he doesn't talk about our issues with her nor does he think what he's been doing is wrong). At any rate she referred us to marriage counseling and he finally agreed to go!
Although, after we left he asked if we really had to go and I said he already agreed. He also said "from here on out if you find anything, then I'll go". I stood firm and said we need to go and how would I know with all the secrecy and deleting... I also brought up how he deletes so many text messages and I know the cl personals ones aren't innocent and saying things like "hey, how's your day?" And he agreed that duh, they are not like that.
I also told him he married me and I married him and not him plus a bunch of females online. He also agreed. I also told him I didn't think he'd just stopped after doing this for years and why should I? And I think he saw my point.
All that being said, I don't think he's completely stopped, because he is good at being sneaky, but I am thrilled he said he'd go to counseling!

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Originally Posted by JessKnut
I can already track him via find my iphone... I don't utilize it that often though, but he knows I can.
Also, he invited me to his therapy session a couple of days ago, but made me promise to not bring up our relationship. I only brought up things referencing things he already told me he'd talked with that therapist specifically about (for understanding). By the end of the session shed asked if I thought our marriage was in trouble and mentioned he did not think so at all (I know he doesn't talk about our issues with her nor does he think what he's been doing is wrong). At any rate she referred us to marriage counseling and he finally agreed to go!
Although, after we left he asked if we really had to go and I said he already agreed. He also said "from here on out if you find anything, then I'll go". I stood firm and said we need to go and how would I know with all the secrecy and deleting... I also brought up how he deletes so many text messages and I know the cl personals ones aren't innocent and saying things like "hey, how's your day?" And he agreed that duh, they are not like that.
I also told him he married me and I married him and not him plus a bunch of females online. He also agreed. I also told him I didn't think he'd just stopped after doing this for years and why should I? And I think he saw my point.
All that being said, I don't think he's completely stopped, because he is good at being sneaky, but I am thrilled he said he'd go to counseling!


I encourage you not to go to marriage counseling.
It will NOT help your marriage

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What about marriage counselling with Steve Harley? It is done via telephone (which reluctant spouses often prefer as it is less confrontational), he counsels each spouse separately (which means your sessions are "private") and, most importantly, Steve follows all the MB principles.



Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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