Good Morning All,

So, I've found out my wife is having an emotional affair.

Some background info:

We've just had our 3rd wedding anniversary. We dated for 21 months before we got married. We are both practicing Christians. We've both been married before. She has two daughters to her previous marriage that are adult and have both left home not only because we (them & I) didn't see eye to eye, but I think that was a big part of it.

The above is a basic overview, but the following is my belief in the reason the affair started:

My wife (46) has ALWAYS had an interest in pursuing a musical career as a singer. Her first husband didn't want her to, and she felt totally unsupported by him. I supported her as best I could, and we went to Karaoke at least once a week and quite a few talent quests. At one talent quest a judge contacted her afterwards and offered her some help. He became her duo partner, and for the last 18 months have been more and more active in the music scene as a duo.

About 6 months ago I noticed her talking about him almost exclusively, but not in an 'admiration' sort of way, just in a 'we did this, we did that' sort of way. I made the mistake of saying to her 'look, I trust you, but I want you to keep track of where your feelings are, and if ever you start to develop feelings for him, let me know'.

Well, a month ago she told me that she has developed feelings for him. She loves him more than she does me. She wished she didn't, but she's never loved me the way she lives him, yadda yadda.

Now, logic tells me this is crazy. He's a non-Cheristian, unhappily married man with a daughter. She did/does live me, but her infatuation has overshadowed her view on me. She's going to ruin two families, etc. But, I really think I'm losing her.

So, I've read 'Surviving an Affair', and here is where I'm at:

1- I've confronted her about the affair, and she's admitted it's an emotional affair. I know they chat a LOT in FB, and fairly certain it's daily until 1am each morning and throughout the day;
2- she wants to move out because she needs space to clear her head;
3- I've tried to implement plan a, but have failed a lot by 'trying to fix it/make her see reason/quote statistics etc'
4-I think we're on the brink of plan B being forced upon me.

I truly fear that if she moves out I'll lose her forever.

Many people know, and ALL out Christian friends have said 'stop doing the gigs, go back to your husband'. I haven't (and am not willing to) contact the other spouse. I cannot see the advantage, and yes, I've seen and read all the advice. IF I got some kind of dream reaction from her and she forced the affair to a close, she would never forgive me forcing an end to her singing career. I know this, and remember each person is different.

I'd love to discuss this, but please don't pressure me to disclose to the other spouse. I truly fear that the damage caused would far outweigh any advantages

Oh, just an addit:

I spent the first day yesterday NOT talking about the affair or trying to 'fix it' by discussion. It was hard, but I got through.

There is nothing we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. Nothing we tell you to do can overcome your destructive behavior. You have essentially become an accessory to the crime and the other spouse will eventually find out about your role in hiding the affair.

I view this as a lost cause due to your enabling.

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The "damage" of exposure would kill the affair. That is the point. What you are doing is far more damaging to your marriage and will result in divorce. Your enabling has you headed to divorce right now.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair. The longer you enable the affair, the harder it will be to save your marriage. And when your wife wakes up from her affair fog, she will view your complacent approach as a lack of caring and concern. You sat by idly and allowed your marriage to go into the toilet. She will not remember that fondly some day.

Affairs thrive and grow on secrecy and you are aiding and abetting the affair. AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to stop being an enabler and expose the affair. Put your foot down and DEMAND she end all contact immediately. That is the only hope you have.

If you won't do that, then you are wasting our time and yours because your situation is hopeless. Marriages are not saved by hope and magic fairy dust, they are saved by taking a strategic approach to killing the affair. You want to save this? Then get off your butt, Sir.

Well that's nice but you need to expose the affair.
Burying your head in the sand will not help kill the affair.

She wants to move out because she is 'in love' with another man and having an affair. Your enabling and protecting this is going to result in her moving out to be with him. And you are right, once that happens your chances of recovering your marriage GREATLY diminish.

But, if supporting her 'singing career' (i.e. affair) is more important to you than your marriage, carry on.

As a "practicing Christian" if you saw your neighbor's house getting robbed, would you not tell them?

Your wife is having an affair with another woman's husband. I would think a practicing Christian would want to do the right thing and inform this poor woman a crime is being committed against her.

Don't call yourself a practicing Christian in the same post you inform us that you refuse to act Christianly, it reflects very negatively on Christians.

Nobody here is going to encourage you to cover up this crime and keep it a secret from your wife's victim because we know right from wrong. But even if we didn't, we are advocates for Dr Harley's Marriage Building principles, and he also would encourage you to expose this affair wide and far, *especially* to the OM's BS.

Would you use this same excuse if her bookkeeper was stealing her money? If not, why in the world would you not warn someone about something much more egregious? Do you WANT your wife and her creepy boyfriend to continue to harm this woman behind her back?

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the comments. You have put a bit of steel in my backbone.

I woke up this morning and had a long discussion with my wife which included showing her the Marriage Builders video on infidelity.

A few tears and a lot of discussion later she admitted that I'm getting a few chinks in her armour.

Not enough unfortunately, as she still thinks (despite her own advice to her daughters or myself if this were turned around) that things are different with him.

So, I'll be trying to contact the other spouse and see what comes of it.

Did you read our posts?

Don't fool yourself...she wants to move out so she can have sex with her OM. She is not clearing her head. That OM is married is a good thing. You have a chance to torpedo this affair if you expose to the BW. Most OM dump their APs when there is trouble in paradise. You should cause trouble and lots of it to run this loser off.

There will be a lot more resentment for you to overcome and slimmer chances of recovery if you don't expose and allow the affair to become physical if it already hasn't. Don't sign up for mind movies that will haunt you. Ask any BS (especially BHs) what that is like.

You are underestimating the addictive nature of affairs. You are trying to reason with a drug addict who just wants her next fix.

Having a lengthy discussion about her affair, trying to reason her out of it, has gotten you nowhere. Your WW is still in love (i.e. addicted) and planning to move out to be with her lover. You have the choice to keep doing it your way and watch her ride into the sunset with this scumbag, or follow Dr Harley's advice and have a chance at saving your marriage. What's it going to be?

NONE of this is Dr Harley's advice from SAA.

All waywards want to move out, to (insert clear your head, have some space, etc. which really means, carry on my affair without you butting in).

Dr Harley advises to do a full blown exposure, and you are refusing to even expose to the greatest exposure target and other victim in this. And after exposure, Dr Harley advises to do Plan A. But you are too busy reasoning with her and trying to educate her about affairs to do a Plan A.

So how is Plan RavenFlight working for you?

Yes, I read your posts. Did you read mine? I said I was going to try to contact the other spouse. I'll do it tonight when I get home. I'm not sure what you mean by 'did you read our posts?'

Yes, I saw that you were going to expose to the OM's wife, however, that won't be near enough to kill the affair. It will be a good first start. Please go check out the exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk!

Ok, I have the other spouses mobile phone number, and have run it twice. It went to voice message twice. I don't want to leave a message because I don't know who will access it... I want to speak with her and know it's her I'm speaking to.

With regard to the person who said that my wife wants to move out to have sex, I'm not sure that's true... and I'm not na�ve. She's looking at share accommodation and indeed one place she just told me she's found is in an older Christian couples house. So, they will not be doing it there any more than they would be doing it in my house. Sure she has easier access, but I do not believe that this is the case with my wife. I know it's an emotional affair, and I know that's equally damaging, but I truly do not believe that she will involve herself in a sexual affair until she divorces from me.

You may think I'm na�ve. Possibly I am.

<EDIT> Ok, I just spoke to the other spouse. "She's aware that they are duo partners, she's aware that some things are going on, but she's not I a place to talk about it and wont be for a couple of days... I'll call you back"

I am sorry to tell you but it is likely already sexual. And she will have sex with him before she is divorced. The reason she wants to move out is so she can conduct her affair without your interference. That is the only reason.


We fully understand you don't want to believe this.


Did you read my exposure thread about doing a wide spread exposure?

How did you open up the call with her? Did you tell her they are having an affair?

I'm fairly certain they haven't. And I have my reasons for believing this.


Yes, and I'm not in a place to do that right now. I'll work on that tonight.

I said something along the lines of:

"Hello, my name is XXX, we've met but you probably don't remember. I'm the husband of YYY, who is your husband's duo partner. I'm ringing to advise you that I'm certain that my wife and your husband are involved in an emotional affair"

Or words to that effect.

Then went on to say that I don't want their marriage destroyed etc.

Ok, the other spouse called me back.

She said "I know there is something going on. My husband admits it and says it isn't sexual. I don't know what you're trying to achieve here?"

I advised that if she wasn't aware I felt that she should be.

She thanked me and basically said 'If they are in love there's nothing we can do'.

So, contacting her seems to have been a waste of time. Perhaps not.

In 14 years on this board and hundreds of exposures this is the STRANGEST response I have ever heard. Almost unbelievable. Most spouses care about their marriages and it seems you have found the one spouse who doesn't care. Saying there is nothing you can do if they are in lurve [a ridiculous notion] indicates that she doesn't care one whit. And that is ok, you can still fight for your marriage.

But, just because she is an enabler does not mean you should be. Now, you just need to expose the affair wide and far.

Did you read through the exposure thread?

Raven
We have seen your situation here repeatedly, heck i was the same way.
You are in denial about what has happened/happening.

Waywards always lie about the extent of the affair by usually several levels.
Waywards that want to get deeper in the affair without trouble always want to move out.

There is a slim, slim chance(1%) that you are right and it hasnt gone physical.

Regardless, do the exposure as laid out by Melody. No partial, or trickle or I'll do it later exposure.

There is a possibility it wasn't the wife you talked to

Contacting the other spouse was NOT a waste of time.

Even if she doesn't care, at least you know that YOU did the right thing. YOU did everything you could.

See part of the MB plan is not just about saving your marriage, but also going through this very difficult situation while maintaining your own emotional, physical and spiritual well being. If you follow the steps here, even if your marriage fails you can move on assured that you did everything in your power to end this affair and save your marriage. You can hold your head high knowing that you have done the right thing.

So great job on exposing to the OM's BS.

Also keep in mind that sometimes there is more to the exposure behind the scenes. Meaning, she may have played it down to you (it isn't very easy to hear your spouse is having an affair after all), but freaked out once she hung up, who knows.

Carry on with a far and wide exposure.

Who is on your exposure list? Have you exposed to her adult children? Who is on your list from OM's side?

My wife exposed this to most people interestingly enough. She exposed it to her children & her friends before I did, and I did to a few of my friends. Most people now know. It's been pretty much played as 'I didn't intend to fall in love, but I did, and now I feel trapped'. She's moving into a Christian couple's house who also have another Christian female house-mate, so I've got some hopes there.

Followup from the other Betrayed Spouse through my wife, apparently she did have a bit more of a heated discussion with the other party. Don't know if it's had an effect.

Now, I'm sorry about my previous misunderstanding of plan A/B. I have been reading a TONNE of literature on this and got confused. Anyway, I'm firmly in Plan A (now that I understand it better), and my wife is moving out making it a kinda/sorta plan B. Now in the book Dr Harley recommends that males sit on plan A for up to 6 months before implementig plan B. Ok, so WHEN she moves out, if I'm still in plan A, do I still see her and express my 'I'm willing to work on this marriage' part of Plan A, or am I essentially pushed into Plan B?

RF, the first step in Plan A is exposure. That means that you call or email all those people she told, and many more, and ask for their help. You would also expose to the OMs family.

Unfortunately, she is moving out to have an affair so that should not give you hope.

Please comeplete a wide spread, nuclear exposure following the instructions in the exposure thread.

No she didn't. She spun her version of the story out to these people. Unfortunately this is not going to help you to save your marriage because she told them all sorts of negative things about you that presents you as the reason for the breakdown of the marriage.

Now telling people that she is having an affair is going to look like a spiteful move on your part. But you have to to do it anyway. When you tell them, be sure to call it an affair (it is) not an 'emotional affair' or any other euphemism.

Ravenflight, my friend, reading between the lines it looks to me like you are trying to avoid the job of exposure by giving us the impression it has been done in some form or manner. I also have a very hard time believing you actually spoke to the OM's wife since I am pretty sure it is you who believes that cockamamie reasoning of "they are in love and there is nothing we can do." That is the conflict avoider and the enabler talking. Like I said before, enabling will not save a marriage.

I would caution you about sweeping exposure under the rug because it is the only chance you have to save your marriage. Exposure is your absolute most potent weapon against the affair. If you don't expose it, the affair can go on forever because the fantasy that supports it will never die. And if it does die, she will likely have another affair because she will be foggy. You can be here for years fighting against a secret affair and end up divorced if you won't act.

Dr. Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years. He is the author of Surviving an Affair. Here is what he says about exposure:



Don't allow your fear to control your actions, because your marriage will not make it if you do.

Raven,
Stop being a chicken. If you want your wife, you will need to lure her back (PlanA), she will not come to her senses while in the affair.

When you expose far and wide, you are demonstrating through your ACTIONS that you are willing to FIGHT for her. Women seem to like men demonstrating their commitment through action. You also demonstrate through your actions to the POSOM that you are willing to fight. Most POSOM are just looking for a cheap/easy/low hassle piece of action. He'll be less interested too.

Plan A is also about demonstrating through you actions that you are committed to being your version of a good husband. This will be tested too, in order to find out if it is real. So when you start to achieve results, thereby introducing "confusion" to your WW who thinks her mind is already made up, she will bait you. Bait you in the most despicable ways. So go into your Plan A without any expectations of a payoff for at least 6 months, longer than that if your WW moves out so she can get physical with her "Soulmate" or whatever.

If you do a real exposure, the experts here can help with the plan. If you do a Plan A, they can help with that and help keep you focused.

If you continue with Plan Raven, then consider mediation for your divorce, it usually costs less than a litigated divorce.

I will reiterate, you are desperately downgrading the addictive nature of an affair and the fog that a wayward spouse is in when they engage in an affair.

You believe your wife's every word. I don't care what kind of woman you were once married too, right now you are married to a WAYWARD woman and that means you are not going to get the truth no matter how much you want to think you are. Face that.

This is a physical affair. Period. If there is a chance it is not *yet* it will soon be over because she is moving out to pursue a physical affair.

She is moving out to pursue her affair without your interference, not to 'clear her head' or any number of other affair manual excuses to move out.

She has not 'informed everyone' that she is cheating on her husband of X years with a man who is also married and is breaking up 2 families. She has probably informed them of just how evil and terrible you are, in preparation to move out and introduce them to her new boyfriend that was the breath of fresh air after she left her terrible husband.

You really need to STOP believing that your wife is above lying, physically cheating, or any other disgusting behavior. I assure you she is NOT, not while she is in the fog working to get her next fix. Many many people on here saw a wonderful, Christian spouse do atrocious things in the midst of the an affair.

Who is on your list to expose to? You need to expose to OM's side.

Question for RF: Why haven't you shoved the karaoke mic down the OM's throat?

Your wife will tell you she doesn't want you to confront him, but deep down the old wife who used to love you is devastated that you haven't.

When a husband doesn't fight for his spouse he shows a lack of caring and lack of courage.