Good Morning All,

So, I've found out my wife is having an emotional affair.

Some background info:

We've just had our 3rd wedding anniversary. We dated for 21 months before we got married. We are both practicing Christians. We've both been married before. She has two daughters to her previous marriage that are adult and have both left home not only because we (them & I) didn't see eye to eye, but I think that was a big part of it.

The above is a basic overview, but the following is my belief in the reason the affair started:

My wife (46) has ALWAYS had an interest in pursuing a musical career as a singer. Her first husband didn't want her to, and she felt totally unsupported by him. I supported her as best I could, and we went to Karaoke at least once a week and quite a few talent quests. At one talent quest a judge contacted her afterwards and offered her some help. He became her duo partner, and for the last 18 months have been more and more active in the music scene as a duo.

About 6 months ago I noticed her talking about him almost exclusively, but not in an 'admiration' sort of way, just in a 'we did this, we did that' sort of way. I made the mistake of saying to her 'look, I trust you, but I want you to keep track of where your feelings are, and if ever you start to develop feelings for him, let me know'.

Well, a month ago she told me that she has developed feelings for him. She loves him more than she does me. She wished she didn't, but she's never loved me the way she lives him, yadda yadda.

Now, logic tells me this is crazy. He's a non-Cheristian, unhappily married man with a daughter. She did/does live me, but her infatuation has overshadowed her view on me. She's going to ruin two families, etc. But, I really think I'm losing her.

So, I've read 'Surviving an Affair', and here is where I'm at:

1- I've confronted her about the affair, and she's admitted it's an emotional affair. I know they chat a LOT in FB, and fairly certain it's daily until 1am each morning and throughout the day;
2- she wants to move out because she needs space to clear her head;
3- I've tried to implement plan a, but have failed a lot by 'trying to fix it/make her see reason/quote statistics etc'
4-I think we're on the brink of plan B being forced upon me.

I truly fear that if she moves out I'll lose her forever.

Many people know, and ALL out Christian friends have said 'stop doing the gigs, go back to your husband'. I haven't (and am not willing to) contact the other spouse. I cannot see the advantage, and yes, I've seen and read all the advice. IF I got some kind of dream reaction from her and she forced the affair to a close, she would never forgive me forcing an end to her singing career. I know this, and remember each person is different.

I'd love to discuss this, but please don't pressure me to disclose to the other spouse. I truly fear that the damage caused would far outweigh any advantages

Oh, just an addit:

I spent the first day yesterday NOT talking about the affair or trying to 'fix it' by discussion. It was hard, but I got through.

There is nothing we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. Nothing we tell you to do can overcome your destructive behavior. You have essentially become an accessory to the crime and the other spouse will eventually find out about your role in hiding the affair.

I view this as a lost cause due to your enabling.

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The "damage" of exposure would kill the affair. That is the point. What you are doing is far more damaging to your marriage and will result in divorce. Your enabling has you headed to divorce right now.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair. The longer you enable the affair, the harder it will be to save your marriage. And when your wife wakes up from her affair fog, she will view your complacent approach as a lack of caring and concern. You sat by idly and allowed your marriage to go into the toilet. She will not remember that fondly some day.

Affairs thrive and grow on secrecy and you are aiding and abetting the affair. AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to stop being an enabler and expose the affair. Put your foot down and DEMAND she end all contact immediately. That is the only hope you have.

If you won't do that, then you are wasting our time and yours because your situation is hopeless. Marriages are not saved by hope and magic fairy dust, they are saved by taking a strategic approach to killing the affair. You want to save this? Then get off your butt, Sir.

Well that's nice but you need to expose the affair.
Burying your head in the sand will not help kill the affair.

She wants to move out because she is 'in love' with another man and having an affair. Your enabling and protecting this is going to result in her moving out to be with him. And you are right, once that happens your chances of recovering your marriage GREATLY diminish.

But, if supporting her 'singing career' (i.e. affair) is more important to you than your marriage, carry on.

As a "practicing Christian" if you saw your neighbor's house getting robbed, would you not tell them?

Your wife is having an affair with another woman's husband. I would think a practicing Christian would want to do the right thing and inform this poor woman a crime is being committed against her.

Don't call yourself a practicing Christian in the same post you inform us that you refuse to act Christianly, it reflects very negatively on Christians.

Nobody here is going to encourage you to cover up this crime and keep it a secret from your wife's victim because we know right from wrong. But even if we didn't, we are advocates for Dr Harley's Marriage Building principles, and he also would encourage you to expose this affair wide and far, *especially* to the OM's BS.

Would you use this same excuse if her bookkeeper was stealing her money? If not, why in the world would you not warn someone about something much more egregious? Do you WANT your wife and her creepy boyfriend to continue to harm this woman behind her back?

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the comments. You have put a bit of steel in my backbone.

I woke up this morning and had a long discussion with my wife which included showing her the Marriage Builders video on infidelity.

A few tears and a lot of discussion later she admitted that I'm getting a few chinks in her armour.

Not enough unfortunately, as she still thinks (despite her own advice to her daughters or myself if this were turned around) that things are different with him.

So, I'll be trying to contact the other spouse and see what comes of it.

Did you read our posts?

Don't fool yourself...she wants to move out so she can have sex with her OM. She is not clearing her head. That OM is married is a good thing. You have a chance to torpedo this affair if you expose to the BW. Most OM dump their APs when there is trouble in paradise. You should cause trouble and lots of it to run this loser off.

There will be a lot more resentment for you to overcome and slimmer chances of recovery if you don't expose and allow the affair to become physical if it already hasn't. Don't sign up for mind movies that will haunt you. Ask any BS (especially BHs) what that is like.

You are underestimating the addictive nature of affairs. You are trying to reason with a drug addict who just wants her next fix.

Having a lengthy discussion about her affair, trying to reason her out of it, has gotten you nowhere. Your WW is still in love (i.e. addicted) and planning to move out to be with her lover. You have the choice to keep doing it your way and watch her ride into the sunset with this scumbag, or follow Dr Harley's advice and have a chance at saving your marriage. What's it going to be?

NONE of this is Dr Harley's advice from SAA.

All waywards want to move out, to (insert clear your head, have some space, etc. which really means, carry on my affair without you butting in).

Dr Harley advises to do a full blown exposure, and you are refusing to even expose to the greatest exposure target and other victim in this. And after exposure, Dr Harley advises to do Plan A. But you are too busy reasoning with her and trying to educate her about affairs to do a Plan A.

So how is Plan RavenFlight working for you?

Yes, I read your posts. Did you read mine? I said I was going to try to contact the other spouse. I'll do it tonight when I get home. I'm not sure what you mean by 'did you read our posts?'

Yes, I saw that you were going to expose to the OM's wife, however, that won't be near enough to kill the affair. It will be a good first start. Please go check out the exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk!

Ok, I have the other spouses mobile phone number, and have run it twice. It went to voice message twice. I don't want to leave a message because I don't know who will access it... I want to speak with her and know it's her I'm speaking to.

With regard to the person who said that my wife wants to move out to have sex, I'm not sure that's true... and I'm not na�ve. She's looking at share accommodation and indeed one place she just told me she's found is in an older Christian couples house. So, they will not be doing it there any more than they would be doing it in my house. Sure she has easier access, but I do not believe that this is the case with my wife. I know it's an emotional affair, and I know that's equally damaging, but I truly do not believe that she will involve herself in a sexual affair until she divorces from me.

You may think I'm na�ve. Possibly I am.

<EDIT> Ok, I just spoke to the other spouse. "She's aware that they are duo partners, she's aware that some things are going on, but she's not I a place to talk about it and wont be for a couple of days... I'll call you back"

I am sorry to tell you but it is likely already sexual. And she will have sex with him before she is divorced. The reason she wants to move out is so she can conduct her affair without your interference. That is the only reason.


We fully understand you don't want to believe this.


Did you read my exposure thread about doing a wide spread exposure?

How did you open up the call with her? Did you tell her they are having an affair?

I'm fairly certain they haven't. And I have my reasons for believing this.


Yes, and I'm not in a place to do that right now. I'll work on that tonight.