I�m not sure where to turn with this but here it goes. I lost my father 4 months ago. He suffered from cancer and Parkinson disease and last couple of years were very difficult for him physically and mentally. Last couple of months he lived in the hospice near home, since his health was deteriorating quickly.

It was hard time for my mother, to me and my family. I miss him a lot. Their marriage wasn�t cloudless during its 40+ years, my dad was bossy, he used to ridicule my mother in front of other people. My mother didn�t like it of course but didn�t do anything against it either. I stood up for my mother many times and said to him that this is not ok to treat my mom like that. During his illness their relationship became somewhat warmer and better, he said nice things about her in front of us, he apologised to her many times, to me, to my DH for being such an inconsiderate person.

Now, to the issue. In two months or so after my dad died my mother found a new man. Some repairman who she asked to help her in the household. She was surprised and even upset over this, because my father was an only man and she somewhat felt like she betrayed him. I told her that in my opinion it is very-very early, take at least a year to mourn properly, grow stronger, etc and in this very vulnerable state she is right now she puts herself into risk of taken advantage of emotionally and financially, after my father�s death she runs a big house and she has money. It seemed to me that she took that into consideration and ended this new relationship quite quickly, on top of everything else, it turned out that this guy was married. I thought that she learned her lesson.

But she stated that she wants to find someone by her side, she is still young, 64, my father was 9 yrs older. I found out just yesterday (although I suspected it earlier) that she has signed up to the dating sites and has found herself a new man. A psychologist �who has helped her a lot during the mourning�. He is not married and he doesn't have kids, he is 66 tall foreigner "who are always better men" She was very adamant about how this is her decision and her life and I just have to accept it. I never ever thought that my mother turns into a teenager, talking about the need of privacy and demanding acceptance.

I�m thinking of many things, like how her life with my father was not rosy and now she has found a way to start over with someone else. Like how they probably didn�t have proper sexual relationship for years because of my dad�s illness. Like how can she abandon my father � although dead � so quickly. She started to sell and give away my dad�s clothes and tools almost immediately after he passed away, no item seemed to be dear enough to her for keepsake. I�m so sad and confused � how can a person be forgotten so quickly like he didn�t live at all?

This illness changed my father a lot, he changed to a father I always wanted, who listened and gave feedback, was accepting and warm, we had couple of good talks over the times he came over to have the cancer treatment (we met every three weeks for the past 1,5 yrs). He also turned to a good grandfather, made jokes and accepted our kids as they were, he also apologised to my DH. Knowing all this I just cannot cope with what is going on in my mother.

It seems to me that my opinion matters to her, she said that no one else knows about this new guy, only me and she plans to take it slowly . It's been 4 months.. I don�t know what to do. Should I do anything at all? It is still very soon.

Hi MrsReCon, I don't know what Dr Harley would say about this. My personal philosophy with parents is that I leave them alone unless they are harming themselves. And yes, an argument might be made that your mother is harming herself by dating so early but there is nothing you can do about that.

Even so, it wouldn't hurt one bit to write Dr Harley and get his input. You can write him at the radio show. You don't have to go on the radio show if you would rather consult via email.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

My take on it, is that a relationship that starts sadly or "helping with mourning" is unlikely to be happy. She can't mourn and fall in love at the same time. I'd simply tell her that you want her to be happy in a new realtionship too and you don't see this as being the route but it's her life. She is the one who is going to reap the consequences so I'd say she is entitled to take the risk, with a warning.

Probably your father's change of heart came too late for romantic purposes. It must be hard to rebuild a lovebank in a sickroom.

So she is probably mourning that lost chance and feeling like she waited too long for that to happen. Feeling pressure to act more swiftly and grab happiness faster than she did in the past.

My approach would be twofold - One tell her you don't like it, and let that opinon marinate with her without pressure. She's ended one unsuitable relationship so she's not exactly a sitting duck with no ability to act.

Two - get her interested in activities and a real single life where she's happy on her own before she dates.

Why does no one else know?

Dr. Harley had a radio call from a widow (or widower - I can't remember the sex).
Dr. Harley advised this person to get rid off all pictures, etc out of the house...to help this person heal. He said that after death, we sometimes need to do this.

Thank you all for your opinions. I am leaning towards doing nothing, which doesn't mean I'm going to accept it. Even our 17-year-old daughter was quite furious about the fact, for her this is very black and white thing - some stranger is trying to take grandpa's place.


She feels quilty, I suppose. We talked over phone yesterday and she said that she feels like an immoral person. Her whim is just bigger than her quilt. I told her all about my feelings, I she said something very stupid, like I could share those feelings and my anxiety with this new guy, "he is very understanding".

Bleuuurgghhhh.

That is just yuk. I can't be more eloquent than that!

My sentiments exactly

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Do you think you will write Dr. Harley?

Yes, why not. This will affect all our family along the way. What kind of a "normal" guy takes advantage of a mourning widow!? And guess what - he is a psychologist by profession..

Hello!

Joyce and Dr. Harley discussed my email in the radio show on 6th of June. There were several points that made me think.

We met over the weekend with my mom, and she wanted us to meet her new BF. And she was quite upset that we didn't want to see him. She showed some understanding when we said we are not ready and for us this is just too early, but is was clear that she wanted us to meet him to get some sort of validation.
I'm willing to give him a chance when time has shown that he is a decent guy. It isn't really under my control what my mother does with her life. I, however, control mine.

Dr. Harley said that there is no fixed time of how long should a person mourn till they are ready for a new relationship, I agree, it's individual, and older people tend to be in a hurry to find a new mate if they are determined to not stay alone. I kind of understand that, too, but for me there is no difference whether you are 64 or 65 to start a relationship, so taking time to grow stronger would seem possible.

As I said in my previous posts, that their marriage was not so rosy. But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

Anyway, I'm thankful to Harley's to have chosen my email for discussion.

Brainy, if it is not too much trouble, could you please post a link to the show here some day, I will save it to my mother.

Thank you all for you input, this means a lot to me

The thing you have to consider here, is that your mother could have gone through her greiving/mourning process while your father was still alive. While there may have been no set timeline for his passing, due to his diagnoses, it wasn't quite unexpected for him to go.

I can't tell you how many times I have seen family members express relief at a loved one's passing after a battle with disease and/or long decline.

That being said, it seems like you handled the situation appropriately by demonstrating your own boundary with it, while not lumping a disrespectful judgment on your mother.

Friday's show will be repeated on a loop today until Monday's show starts, which is at 12PM board time ( I think that's about 5PM your time). If you listen on a Mac computer, the show is downloaded into iTunes permanently, so you will have your own recording.

Or Brainy will link it!

Obviously I'm a stranger and dont know your family.
However, many think that their marriage was okay, until they come to MB.
How often do we hear from people in Plan B, who learn that their marriage was dysfunctional or abusive only AFTER/ during separation/ Plan B?

MrsRecon, what did your mother think about the radio show?

It's not necessarily true that your mother would have chosen to divorce your dad if she was really in a bad, or at least not-so-rosy marriage. When I was in my bad marriage, I felt trapped. For several reasons, I didn't love my husband anymore but I felt like I couldn't leave.

1.) I had bought into the notion of unconditional love and that I had made my vow to stay regardless of how I was treated.

2.) Because of being a mostly stay-at-home mother and our frequent moves due to my husband's career, I didn't believe I had any good career options. And this was probably more important to me than the first reason for staying.

Those were my two biggest reasons for not divorcing. Thankfully, we have a much MUCH better marriage now because of MB. However, if my H had been ill for a while after having treated me poorly and neglecting me, I can't imagine I would have mourned for long either, if at all, so I can see myself in your mother's situation.

I would have quickly dumped everything that belonged to him and moved on without much regret. I'm sure my daughter and son-in-law would have been as much dismayed over this as you and your H are over your mother.

When you meet this guy, your mother is sure to ask you what you think. You can be the one to watch for clues and encourage her to ask for info from his friends and any ex-girlfriends. You can encourage her to do a background check and a credit check. And all of this from the point of view of a loving daughter who cares about her mother.

I encourage you, though, not to be disapproving because you and your H think she's moving too quickly after the death of your father. She certainly may be moving too quickly into a relationship and should think very logically about this, but I'm not sure you will have much sway at this point.

I think one day you're going to look back on what you wrote and shake your head how you judge your mom. If there are things of your dad's that mean a lot to you, then put them in your home, it's not for you to tell a grieving widow how to grieve. Look at what she lost. She is not tossing you away, she is trying to involve you an you are the one backing away and then projecting your actions onto her. I hope she will be more gracious to you than you are being to her.

Having lived through this situation -

My husband's mother was a flirt and they didn't have a MB happy marriage. They weren't happy through his life. IMO, she rewrote history after he died to make her the abused little woman who stayed for the kids (and the money).

A year after her husband died she went on a dating fling, met and married the first loser she found. We have *no* contact with her because her now husband is as wayward as wayward comes. MIL did really spiteful things to us, her then boyfriend stalked me and her daughter's husband. He had PIs follow us, he tried to cost me and my BIL our jobs/military positions. He alienated my MIL from her family and now has her and all her money.

It's an awful situation to be in and my prayers are with you guys. I hope your mom wakes up before she ends up like my MIL.

It's on my list.

I haven't sent her the link, yet.

I think that choosing to step out of the situation when it doesn't suit me has nothing to do with judging her or projecting my actions (?) to her. I was decribing my feelings. I cannot support her choice to have a new BF so early, that's all.

Thank you.

t/j

Thanks SugarCane! I had not realized this.

end t/j

At least - that's how it works for me! I could be the only person, though...

T/j: Well, you are SPECIAL, SC!

end t/j

I'm grateful you've gotten to that point. The earlier post was so judgmental and demeaning. It would break my heart if my daughter thought I was throwing her away or something.

Can you respect your mom's choice and love her even when you don't agree? Then she can be more honest to come and talk with you if she does come to see red flags.

I thought YOUR post was judgemental and demeaning, NED.

I didn't see this poster saying harsh things to her mother; she came here first to ask whether her feelings were out of line. She told us about the things she was thinking, but she did not say she had said them:

"I�m thinking of many things, like how her life with my father was not rosy and now she has found a way to start over with someone else. Like how they probably didn�t have proper sexual relationship for years because of my dad�s illness. Like how can she abandon my father � although dead � so quickly. She started to sell and give away my dad�s clothes and tools almost immediately after he passed away, no item seemed to be dear enough to her for keepsake. I�m so sad and confused � how can a person be forgotten so quickly like he didn�t live at all?"

and

"I don�t know what to do. Should I do anything at all? It is still very soon."

How did it get from her thinking those things and coming here to ask if she should say anything to warn her mother about this man, and her been ungracious to her mother?

This man, after all, is described as being "A psychologist �who has helped her a lot during the mourning�." This poster is concerned that this man has breached professional ethics, or in some way has preyed upon a vulnerable lonely woman, to take advantage of her home and money, and indeed, there seems to be a case to answer. He isn't in a similar position of loneliness after the end of a marriage. He has no track record in marriage. He has managed to live for 60 years without getting married and yet, when he finds an obviously lonely fairly new widow, who appears to have a home and enough money to live on, on a website, he decides quickly to marry her. How is it "judgemental" for MrsRecon to fear that her mother is being used? What mess could she find herself in if she marries him and he spends all her money, and lands her with all his debt?

It might break your heart, but I hope that heartbreak would be for your daughter, not for yourself. If your daughter one day said that, after you moved your con man boyfriend into her home, she felt that you were putting him above her grief at her family break down, would you call her judgemental and demeaning? I certainly hope not.

This poster never said or implied that she did not love her mother. Why, however, should she respect her choice? She might be well advised to keep her mouth shut if she wants to keep her relationship intact, but why should she respect her mother choice, if she feels that this man is a con artist?

Her mother might never come to see red flags until all her money is gone and she has to sell the house to make a divorce settlement on this man. The pity of it is that if MrsRecon tries to talk to her about this now, she may well end her relationship with her mother and make things worse. However, she is not being judgemental and demeaning by coming here to ask for advice about a worrying situation.

Oh wow, I'm really sorry, I was trying to get your attention, get you to pull in with your mom there, not to make you feel bad. I hate hearing you say she's throwing you away, when it's not an either or and it sounds like she very much wants a relationship with you. It's bad enough losing your dad and you hear these other horror stories how they let a new partner create a permanent wedge. I was hoping by pulling together with your mom you can cut that right off before it starts.

My stepdad is the worst thing that ever happened to my mom but she's never going to be able to see that and the whole family wasted years trying. I want you to keep the connection you have.

Yes my heart would break for my daughter if she thought I was throwing her away by getting rid of tools and stuff I don't know how to use and didn't carry fond memories for any of us.

Thanks, SC.

NED, my relationship with my mother (or anyone else, for that matter) is not unconditional. It just cannot be like no matter what she does or plans to do, would immediately suit me just because she's my mother and we share a special bond. People can do all sorts of foolish things, even mothers, and children have all rights to express their concerns and feelings. Those feelings that I feel are not less valid just because she's my mother.

Absolutely, Radical Honesty is important in all relationships you want to last a lifetime. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid. Abandonment isn't exactly a feeling, though. She is not saying you are not welcome in her life, and hopefully she is welcome in your life as well. The loss of your dad can feel like an abandonment as well, even though he didn't have a choice in the matter, maybe it's just all getting swirled together.

The Griefshare emails were a huge source of comfort to me when my dad was killed. Maybe something like that would bring you comfort as well?

cat, you are a dear!

Here is your show.

Radio Clip

Thank you, BH!

You're welcome.