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I�m not sure where to turn with this but here it goes. I lost my father 4 months ago. He suffered from cancer and Parkinson disease and last couple of years were very difficult for him physically and mentally. Last couple of months he lived in the hospice near home, since his health was deteriorating quickly.

It was hard time for my mother, to me and my family. I miss him a lot. Their marriage wasn�t cloudless during its 40+ years, my dad was bossy, he used to ridicule my mother in front of other people. My mother didn�t like it of course but didn�t do anything against it either. I stood up for my mother many times and said to him that this is not ok to treat my mom like that. During his illness their relationship became somewhat warmer and better, he said nice things about her in front of us, he apologised to her many times, to me, to my DH for being such an inconsiderate person.

Now, to the issue. In two months or so after my dad died my mother found a new man. Some repairman who she asked to help her in the household. She was surprised and even upset over this, because my father was an only man and she somewhat felt like she betrayed him. I told her that in my opinion it is very-very early, take at least a year to mourn properly, grow stronger, etc and in this very vulnerable state she is right now she puts herself into risk of taken advantage of emotionally and financially, after my father�s death she runs a big house and she has money. It seemed to me that she took that into consideration and ended this new relationship quite quickly, on top of everything else, it turned out that this guy was married. I thought that she learned her lesson.

But she stated that she wants to find someone by her side, she is still young, 64, my father was 9 yrs older. I found out just yesterday (although I suspected it earlier) that she has signed up to the dating sites and has found herself a new man. A psychologist �who has helped her a lot during the mourning�. He is not married and he doesn't have kids, he is 66 tall foreigner "who are always better men" faint She was very adamant about how this is her decision and her life and I just have to accept it. I never ever thought that my mother turns into a teenager, talking about the need of privacy and demanding acceptance.

I�m thinking of many things, like how her life with my father was not rosy and now she has found a way to start over with someone else. Like how they probably didn�t have proper sexual relationship for years because of my dad�s illness. Like how can she abandon my father � although dead � so quickly. She started to sell and give away my dad�s clothes and tools almost immediately after he passed away, no item seemed to be dear enough to her for keepsake. I�m so sad and confused � how can a person be forgotten so quickly like he didn�t live at all?

This illness changed my father a lot, he changed to a father I always wanted, who listened and gave feedback, was accepting and warm, we had couple of good talks over the times he came over to have the cancer treatment (we met every three weeks for the past 1,5 yrs). He also turned to a good grandfather, made jokes and accepted our kids as they were, he also apologised to my DH. Knowing all this I just cannot cope with what is going on in my mother.

It seems to me that my opinion matters to her, she said that no one else knows about this new guy, only me and she plans to take it slowly crazy . It's been 4 months.. I don�t know what to do. Should I do anything at all? It is still very soon.


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Hi MrsReCon, I don't know what Dr Harley would say about this. My personal philosophy with parents is that I leave them alone unless they are harming themselves. And yes, an argument might be made that your mother is harming herself by dating so early but there is nothing you can do about that.

Even so, it wouldn't hurt one bit to write Dr Harley and get his input. You can write him at the radio show. You don't have to go on the radio show if you would rather consult via email.

Sorry to hear about your dad. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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My take on it, is that a relationship that starts sadly or "helping with mourning" is unlikely to be happy. She can't mourn and fall in love at the same time. I'd simply tell her that you want her to be happy in a new realtionship too and you don't see this as being the route but it's her life. She is the one who is going to reap the consequences so I'd say she is entitled to take the risk, with a warning.

Probably your father's change of heart came too late for romantic purposes. It must be hard to rebuild a lovebank in a sickroom.

So she is probably mourning that lost chance and feeling like she waited too long for that to happen. Feeling pressure to act more swiftly and grab happiness faster than she did in the past.

My approach would be twofold - One tell her you don't like it, and let that opinon marinate with her without pressure. She's ended one unsuitable relationship so she's not exactly a sitting duck with no ability to act.

Two - get her interested in activities and a real single life where she's happy on her own before she dates.

Why does no one else know?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
She started to sell and give away my dad�s clothes and tools almost immediately after he passed away, no item seemed to be dear enough to her for keepsake. I�m so sad and confused � how can a person be forgotten so quickly like he didn�t live at all?
\

Dr. Harley had a radio call from a widow (or widower - I can't remember the sex).
Dr. Harley advised this person to get rid off all pictures, etc out of the house...to help this person heal. He said that after death, we sometimes need to do this.

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Thank you all for your opinions. I am leaning towards doing nothing, which doesn't mean I'm going to accept it. Even our 17-year-old daughter was quite furious about the fact, for her this is very black and white thing - some stranger is trying to take grandpa's place.

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Why does no one else know?

She feels quilty, I suppose. We talked over phone yesterday and she said that she feels like an immoral person. Her whim is just bigger than her quilt. I told her all about my feelings, I she said something very stupid, like I could share those feelings and my anxiety with this new guy, "he is very understanding".





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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
like I could share those feelings and my anxiety with this new guy, "he is very understanding".


Bleuuurgghhhh.

That is just yuk. I can't be more eloquent than that!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
like I could share those feelings and my anxiety with this new guy, "he is very understanding".


Bleuuurgghhhh.

That is just yuk. I can't be more eloquent than that!

My sentiments exactly sigh


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Sorry to hear about your dad.

Do you think you will write Dr. Harley?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, why not. This will affect all our family along the way. What kind of a "normal" guy takes advantage of a mourning widow!? And guess what - he is a psychologist by profession..


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Hello!

Joyce and Dr. Harley discussed my email in the radio show on 6th of June. There were several points that made me think.

We met over the weekend with my mom, and she wanted us to meet her new BF. And she was quite upset that we didn't want to see him. She showed some understanding when we said we are not ready and for us this is just too early, but is was clear that she wanted us to meet him to get some sort of validation.
I'm willing to give him a chance when time has shown that he is a decent guy. It isn't really under my control what my mother does with her life. I, however, control mine.

Dr. Harley said that there is no fixed time of how long should a person mourn till they are ready for a new relationship, I agree, it's individual, and older people tend to be in a hurry to find a new mate if they are determined to not stay alone. I kind of understand that, too, but for me there is no difference whether you are 64 or 65 to start a relationship, so taking time to grow stronger would seem possible.

As I said in my previous posts, that their marriage was not so rosy. But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

Anyway, I'm thankful to Harley's to have chosen my email for discussion.

Brainy, if it is not too much trouble, could you please post a link to the show here some day, I will save it to my mother.

Thank you all for you input, this means a lot to me hug


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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
Hello!

Joyce and Dr. Harley discussed my email in the radio show on 6th of June. There were several points that made me think.

We met over the weekend with my mom, and she wanted us to meet her new BF. And she was quite upset that we didn't want to see him. She showed some understanding when we said we are not ready and for us this is just too early, but is was clear that she wanted us to meet him to get some sort of validation.
I'm willing to give him a chance when time has shown that he is a decent guy. It isn't really under my control what my mother does with her life. I, however, control mine.

Dr. Harley said that there is no fixed time of how long should a person mourn till they are ready for a new relationship, I agree, it's individual, and older people tend to be in a hurry to find a new mate if they are determined to not stay alone. I kind of understand that, too, but for me there is no difference whether you are 64 or 65 to start a relationship, so taking time to grow stronger would seem possible.

As I said in my previous posts, that their marriage was not so rosy. But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

Anyway, I'm thankful to Harley's to have chosen my email for discussion.

Brainy, if it is not too much trouble, could you please post a link to the show here some day, I will save it to my mother.

Thank you all for you input, this means a lot to me hug


The thing you have to consider here, is that your mother could have gone through her greiving/mourning process while your father was still alive. While there may have been no set timeline for his passing, due to his diagnoses, it wasn't quite unexpected for him to go.

I can't tell you how many times I have seen family members express relief at a loved one's passing after a battle with disease and/or long decline.

That being said, it seems like you handled the situation appropriately by demonstrating your own boundary with it, while not lumping a disrespectful judgment on your mother.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
Brainy, if it is not too much trouble, could you please post a link to the show here some day, I will save it to my mother.
Friday's show will be repeated on a loop today until Monday's show starts, which is at 12PM board time ( I think that's about 5PM your time). If you listen on a Mac computer, the show is downloaded into iTunes permanently, so you will have your own recording.

Or Brainy will link it!


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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
As I said in my previous posts, that their marriage was not so rosy. But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

Obviously I'm a stranger and dont know your family.
However, many think that their marriage was okay, until they come to MB.
How often do we hear from people in Plan B, who learn that their marriage was dysfunctional or abusive only AFTER/ during separation/ Plan B?

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MrsRecon, what did your mother think about the radio show?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
<<<SNIP>>>

As I said in my previous posts, that their marriage was not so rosy. But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

<<<<SNIP>>>>>>

It's not necessarily true that your mother would have chosen to divorce your dad if she was really in a bad, or at least not-so-rosy marriage. When I was in my bad marriage, I felt trapped. For several reasons, I didn't love my husband anymore but I felt like I couldn't leave.

1.) I had bought into the notion of unconditional love and that I had made my vow to stay regardless of how I was treated.

2.) Because of being a mostly stay-at-home mother and our frequent moves due to my husband's career, I didn't believe I had any good career options. And this was probably more important to me than the first reason for staying.

Those were my two biggest reasons for not divorcing. Thankfully, we have a much MUCH better marriage now because of MB. However, if my H had been ill for a while after having treated me poorly and neglecting me, I can't imagine I would have mourned for long either, if at all, so I can see myself in your mother's situation.

I would have quickly dumped everything that belonged to him and moved on without much regret. I'm sure my daughter and son-in-law would have been as much dismayed over this as you and your H are over your mother.

When you meet this guy, your mother is sure to ask you what you think. You can be the one to watch for clues and encourage her to ask for info from his friends and any ex-girlfriends. You can encourage her to do a background check and a credit check. And all of this from the point of view of a loving daughter who cares about her mother.

I encourage you, though, not to be disapproving because you and your H think she's moving too quickly after the death of your father. She certainly may be moving too quickly into a relationship and should think very logically about this, but I'm not sure you will have much sway at this point.


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But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

I think one day you're going to look back on what you wrote and shake your head how you judge your mom. If there are things of your dad's that mean a lot to you, then put them in your home, it's not for you to tell a grieving widow how to grieve. Look at what she lost. She is not tossing you away, she is trying to involve you an you are the one backing away and then projecting your actions onto her. I hope she will be more gracious to you than you are being to her.


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Quote
But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

I think one day you're going to look back on what you wrote and shake your head how you judge your mom. If there are things of your dad's that mean a lot to you, then put them in your home, it's not for you to tell a grieving widow how to grieve. Look at what she lost. She is not tossing you away, she is trying to involve you an you are the one backing away and then projecting your actions onto her. I hope she will be more gracious to you than you are being to her.

Having lived through this situation -

My husband's mother was a flirt and they didn't have a MB happy marriage. They weren't happy through his life. IMO, she rewrote history after he died to make her the abused little woman who stayed for the kids (and the money).

A year after her husband died she went on a dating fling, met and married the first loser she found. We have *no* contact with her because her now husband is as wayward as wayward comes. MIL did really spiteful things to us, her then boyfriend stalked me and her daughter's husband. He had PIs follow us, he tried to cost me and my BIL our jobs/military positions. He alienated my MIL from her family and now has her and all her money.

It's an awful situation to be in and my prayers are with you guys. I hope your mom wakes up before she ends up like my MIL.


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Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo
Brainy, if it is not too much trouble, could you please post a link to the show here some day, I will save it to my mother.

It's on my list. smile


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
MrsRecon, what did your mother think about the radio show?

I haven't sent her the link, yet.


Me, FWW: 43
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Quote
But my husband summed it up pretty well, he said that if my mother had that bad marriage she now claims to have had, she would have chosen a different path, and divorce my dad, but she chose to stay and had a life with my dad, and to complain now seems just unfair to everyone involved. (I can see that these complaints about a bad marriage may just be a rationalisation for her now choices, also.) I myself feel that since I was also involved in this previous life, that she tosses this life away, like we were not part of anything significant to her. If you see what I mean, and that is the part that is upsetting.

I think one day you're going to look back on what you wrote and shake your head how you judge your mom. If there are things of your dad's that mean a lot to you, then put them in your home, it's not for you to tell a grieving widow how to grieve. Look at what she lost. She is not tossing you away, she is trying to involve you an you are the one backing away and then projecting your actions onto her. I hope she will be more gracious to you than you are being to her.

I think that choosing to step out of the situation when it doesn't suit me has nothing to do with judging her or projecting my actions (?) to her. I was decribing my feelings. I cannot support her choice to have a new BF so early, that's all.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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