Thank you.

t/j

Thanks SugarCane! I had not realized this.

end t/j

At least - that's how it works for me! I could be the only person, though...

T/j: Well, you are SPECIAL, SC!

end t/j

I'm grateful you've gotten to that point. The earlier post was so judgmental and demeaning. It would break my heart if my daughter thought I was throwing her away or something.

Can you respect your mom's choice and love her even when you don't agree? Then she can be more honest to come and talk with you if she does come to see red flags.

I thought YOUR post was judgemental and demeaning, NED.

I didn't see this poster saying harsh things to her mother; she came here first to ask whether her feelings were out of line. She told us about the things she was thinking, but she did not say she had said them:

"I�m thinking of many things, like how her life with my father was not rosy and now she has found a way to start over with someone else. Like how they probably didn�t have proper sexual relationship for years because of my dad�s illness. Like how can she abandon my father � although dead � so quickly. She started to sell and give away my dad�s clothes and tools almost immediately after he passed away, no item seemed to be dear enough to her for keepsake. I�m so sad and confused � how can a person be forgotten so quickly like he didn�t live at all?"

and

"I don�t know what to do. Should I do anything at all? It is still very soon."

How did it get from her thinking those things and coming here to ask if she should say anything to warn her mother about this man, and her been ungracious to her mother?

This man, after all, is described as being "A psychologist �who has helped her a lot during the mourning�." This poster is concerned that this man has breached professional ethics, or in some way has preyed upon a vulnerable lonely woman, to take advantage of her home and money, and indeed, there seems to be a case to answer. He isn't in a similar position of loneliness after the end of a marriage. He has no track record in marriage. He has managed to live for 60 years without getting married and yet, when he finds an obviously lonely fairly new widow, who appears to have a home and enough money to live on, on a website, he decides quickly to marry her. How is it "judgemental" for MrsRecon to fear that her mother is being used? What mess could she find herself in if she marries him and he spends all her money, and lands her with all his debt?

It might break your heart, but I hope that heartbreak would be for your daughter, not for yourself. If your daughter one day said that, after you moved your con man boyfriend into her home, she felt that you were putting him above her grief at her family break down, would you call her judgemental and demeaning? I certainly hope not.

This poster never said or implied that she did not love her mother. Why, however, should she respect her choice? She might be well advised to keep her mouth shut if she wants to keep her relationship intact, but why should she respect her mother choice, if she feels that this man is a con artist?

Her mother might never come to see red flags until all her money is gone and she has to sell the house to make a divorce settlement on this man. The pity of it is that if MrsRecon tries to talk to her about this now, she may well end her relationship with her mother and make things worse. However, she is not being judgemental and demeaning by coming here to ask for advice about a worrying situation.

Oh wow, I'm really sorry, I was trying to get your attention, get you to pull in with your mom there, not to make you feel bad. I hate hearing you say she's throwing you away, when it's not an either or and it sounds like she very much wants a relationship with you. It's bad enough losing your dad and you hear these other horror stories how they let a new partner create a permanent wedge. I was hoping by pulling together with your mom you can cut that right off before it starts.

My stepdad is the worst thing that ever happened to my mom but she's never going to be able to see that and the whole family wasted years trying. I want you to keep the connection you have.

Yes my heart would break for my daughter if she thought I was throwing her away by getting rid of tools and stuff I don't know how to use and didn't carry fond memories for any of us.

Thanks, SC.

NED, my relationship with my mother (or anyone else, for that matter) is not unconditional. It just cannot be like no matter what she does or plans to do, would immediately suit me just because she's my mother and we share a special bond. People can do all sorts of foolish things, even mothers, and children have all rights to express their concerns and feelings. Those feelings that I feel are not less valid just because she's my mother.

Absolutely, Radical Honesty is important in all relationships you want to last a lifetime. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid. Abandonment isn't exactly a feeling, though. She is not saying you are not welcome in her life, and hopefully she is welcome in your life as well. The loss of your dad can feel like an abandonment as well, even though he didn't have a choice in the matter, maybe it's just all getting swirled together.

The Griefshare emails were a huge source of comfort to me when my dad was killed. Maybe something like that would bring you comfort as well?

cat, you are a dear!

Here is your show.

Radio Clip

Thank you, BH!

You're welcome.