getting over a fling - Marriage Builders® Forums

Last winter I met a married man (I'm a married woman) at a conference. We became friends through email. A few months ago I went to his city on business and we had a weekend affair. We've kept in touch by email. Now I find myself thinking about him daily. I want to get over him but am feeling depressed. We promised each other that we would not tell our spouses. I've tried to make things better in my marriage but nothing replaces that intense passion I felt for OM. There is a possibility OM and I will see each other again. OM's W was already having some depression issues when I met him. I feel used by this guy. I'm very attractive and think he just used me but he's still emailing me so we can meet again. How do I end this? Do I owe him an explanation?

Have you read this article?

The Lover's Perspective

You need to end contact with this man decisively...I'd suggest a "no-contact" letter (there are examples on this site). Then you and your H need to rebuild your M & make it strong and fulfilling...and chances are that will only come in the wake of honesty.

Good luck--

Kathi

This must be ended if you want to salvage your marriage.....absolutely NO CONTACT.

Krissee,

You need to end contact with this man...no matter how much you miss him.

Gloria

Krissee,

I've been there and done that...no contact really is the best way. I am in the no contact phase with someone I love myself. It hurts so much and there are so many "triggers" which make me think of him, so some days it seems I think of him constantly. Be strong and work on your marriage; it is so hard, but it is worth it.

DJ

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by djmusicbox:
Krissee,

I've been there and done that...no contact really is the best way. I am in the no contact phase with someone I love myself. It hurts so much and there are so many "triggers" which make me think of him, so some days it seems I think of him constantly. Be strong and work on your marriage; it is so hard, but it is worth it.

DJ<hr /></blockquote>

Thanks so much for your support regarding this issue. I'm fortunate that I didn't let it get to the love state and I'm working hard at staying away. I feel sad less often now and am working on the EN's. I still would not tell my H about this. Does anyone have any definite thoughts on that? Can I "recover" fully without telling him. I really feel no need to share this with him. I am getting better at expressing my needs to H and things are slowly getting better. I've seen too many spouses "punish" the one who fooled around and I don't see the benefit of that. I used to think it was all the fault of the one who cheated but now I know differently.

helluva question that one...

My wife just told me Tues night about her and someone else. I went through all the emotions and questions. We met with a counselor (our pastor)yesterday. This helped tremendously to get a non interested third party. I have not communicated with my wife in a long time. We would "talk" about nothing. Work, friends, movies, the baby but not about US. We sat on the couch last night and talked. Sounds like nothing but it is the beginning of something. I don't know if it will work. I can't guarantee it will but you know what, at least try. It hurts to hear it but it opened my eyes to what she needs. It also opened my eyes to what I need to work on. I have to say I said some mean things and thought so bad thoughts when I found out. But you know what, I looked at everyone else for blame but me. Tell Him. Get help. I don't know him but if he is voilent, tell him at a public area. Counselor spoke about this.

Kris,
Please end it immediately. My A began in a simliar fashion--long distance--emails, internet. It was absolutely addictive in an unreal way. I didn't have the sense to end it, and so I tried to justify it by separating from my H. Eventually the H found out about the OM, and he filed. Now I'm divorced. I finally ended it with the OM a few months ago. He'd even relocated here, and what a disaster that was! The person he presented during our weekend liasons was nothing like the real person I got to know. I would give anything to turn the clock back, and redo my life.

Please, stop all contact with this man. It will be hard at first, but you'll get over it. Don't end up like me--alone and hopeful for a reconciliation with the REAL love of my life, my Ex. Work on your marriage now, while you still have one.

Hopeful

I appreciate your honesty more than you will ever know. It has been a couple of weeks since I've had any contact with the OM. I am now working on my emotional needs. I realize now that if I had understood what I was lacking I probably could have prevented the A. I know it must be hard for you and it scares me to think I was planning much the same as you did. I hope you can reconcile somehow with your ex. It's too bad. I still am torn about if I should tell my H about the A. I don't want to. In the meantime H and I are working on improving things and our marriage is getting a little better. Thank you again for your input and I wish you well.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by ees:
My wife just told me Tues night about her and someone else. I went through all the emotions and questions. We met with a counselor (our pastor)yesterday. This helped tremendously to get a non interested third party. I have not communicated with my wife in a long time. We would "talk" about nothing. Work, friends, movies, the baby but not about US. We sat on the couch last night and talked. Sounds like nothing but it is the beginning of something. I don't know if it will work. I can't guarantee it will but you know what, at least try. It hurts to hear it but it opened my eyes to what she needs. It also opened my eyes to what I need to work on. I have to say I said some mean things and thought so bad thoughts when I found out. But you know what, I looked at everyone else for blame but me. Tell Him. Get help. I don't know him but if he is voilent, tell him at a public area. Counselor spoke about this.<hr /></blockquote>

Thank you for your helpful insight. I am way to scared to tell H about OM. He's not violent but I'm still afraid of his response (emotionally). I've read through everything on this website about infidelity and it has helped me alot. I still can't see how it will help our M if I tell him. Why did your wife tell you? Do you think you could have made your marriage work if she hadn't told you? Did she tell you because she was afraid of getting caught? How are you dealing with this emotionally now? I know it actually takes both H and W for an A to start - something lacking in the marriage. Glad to see you are not blaming just her. That's so important. We just completed the emotional needs survey and it was amazing how much my H feels I meet his needs totally in every way, yet survey showed he's not meeting mine. I think I'm starting to get through. I haven't completed a letter to end the A yet but I am through with it. Did your wife end the A on her own?

Why did my wife tell me?? I asked if there was someone else. She said she was "in love" with him. I talked with the guy for an hr. over the phone. I asked him questions that he had no answers too. Like why don't you tell her parents? His parents?Why don't you tell her brother? It was his best friend. I remember when I first met my w. I had to tell everyone. They are not "in love".
I don't know if our marriage will work
Emotionally I have gone through everything..
I have hate, angry, sadness, frustration, emptiness, & everything else. I don't think I could get much lower.
She ended with him to make us work. She still thinks about him. When she hears a song or just wondering about things. He said that he will never talk to her again. Everyone that she talks too and knows us; thinks she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She has a chronic illness and been through alot. I have been there at her lower than lowest point. I have never left her side. I have slept in a chair for days at her bedside. I have to realize that I am a great guy. Someone should feel lucky to have me.
As much as it hurts to find out that is part of the rebuilding process. Whether we get better or not.. We also have a daughter so talk about killing me. I will miss out on alot of her life. She hopefully won't have problems b/c of us. She is not old enough to know what is going on. Today I am in a 'hate' mode. I go through should I try or just cut my losses. Do I start w/o money? Insurance? Cars?

Remember, who you meet and get to know in an affair is not the reality of the person. He is an illusion. You showed only the best of yourselves to each other. An illusion is all that it will ever be.

The passion and obsession has nothing to do with the man. It has to do with how strong relationships feel when they are brand new. You once felt identically for your H. OM will someday become old and familiar to you, and you will want to keep searching for that "high". It's not real. It's not how relationships work. When you think of him in your mind, replace it with some repulsive thought - the sight of a dead animal or anything that makes you turn away. Picture what you will lose, not this illusion you will never have. YOU WILL NEVER REGAIN the love and trust of your Husband again in the way you had it before last weekend. YOU WILL SPEND the rest of your life regretting your choice.

This is going to sound harsh but I believe that you are still lying and decieving your husband by not telling him the truth. Your marriage is now based on a false foundation. You have taken away his right as a marriage partner to decide for himself how he wishes to proceed with his partner and how to rebuild. You have sexually betrayed your husband and put his health at risk for STD's but you feel you do not wish to tell him the truth for fear he may be hurt or become angry with you. My guess is that you may fear financial repercussions. The point is that you are continuing to be selfish and are playing God by withholding information from a marriage partner who committed and believed in you. He should have the right to make decisions about where he wishes to go with his marriage. By withholding this information you again continue to betray and disrespect his rights as a husband. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would have a different attitude. I feel sorry for your husband because he has a wife who still refuses to be honest and truthful to him about the nature of their marriage. It is sad that you still refuse to face the consequences of your actions and continue to see your husband as someone you can manipulate. If you love your husband you will tell him the truth or otherwise you are just using him for your own benefit. You owe the truth to your husband at the very least and show him the respect he deserves as your husband and the man who made the legal committment to you. I wish you luck.

That is exactly how I felt. Financially my w would not have a chance at this point w/o me. If you don't let him know nothing will get better. If the tables were turned you would want to know. Figure out when and do it.
But it is amazing how the healing has started already. We are no means the way that we use to be but it is turning at least somewhat positive.
I don't know if it is the counseling or scripture or something else. Get help. Stay strong.

Krissee: you asked why you should tell your husband, and do not see why it will help. One reason is very clear in the materials on this web site. Simply put, to have a great marriage, you have to be honest with each other. It is not optional. The stuff in Basic Concepts describes what is required to have a great marriage. Radical Honesty is a part of that. Not being Radically Honest forces you to wear a mask of sorts, which gets between you and your spouse, preventing true intimacy. Instead of having a relationship with you, they have a relationship with someone else who is sort of like you, but not really you.

Another reason is my own experience. Like you, my wife was never in love with her OM. During the three years of her affair, she started to work on our marriage. On the surface, things were getting better. So, why was I feeling more and more like I wanted to leave? Why was I hoping she would die in a plane crash when she traveled? Why was I hostile toward her when she wold do things to show she cared about me? My brain saw the positive changes and came to the conclusion that our marriage was improving. But...my emotions were telling me something else, and I had no idea why. I thought something was wrong with me. I struggled against my feelings, trying, in vain, to push them away. But I kept tripping over the invisible elephant in our living room, and wondering why I kept falling down. When she confessed, everything suddenly made sense. Well, OK, I had a lot of questions, so it took some time (reading SAA and taking the ENQ were a HUGE help), and frankly, some things still don't really make sense, but at least I know why I was feeling the way I was. We may not be able to solve the problems we have (though I am optimistic), but before she told me, we had no chance, because I did not know what they were.

Tell. Prefereably in the office of an MC that agrees you should tell.

How are you going to feel if one day you overheard your H say to a friend or relative that you are incapable of betraying him with another man?

At this point in time, your H is in love with a woman that doesn't exist.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by ees:
Why did my wife tell me?? I asked if there was someone else. She said she was "in love" with him. I talked with the guy for an hr. over the phone. I asked him questions that he had no answers too. Like why don't you tell her parents? His parents?Why don't you tell her brother? It was his best friend. I remember when I first met my w. I had to tell everyone. They are not "in love".
I don't know if our marriage will work
Emotionally I have gone through everything..
I have hate, angry, sadness, frustration, emptiness, & everything else. I don't think I could get much lower.
She ended with him to make us work. She still thinks about him. When she hears a song or just wondering about things. He said that he will never talk to her again. Everyone that she talks too and knows us; thinks she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She has a chronic illness and been through alot. I have been there at her lower than lowest point. I have never left her side. I have slept in a chair for days at her bedside. I have to realize that I am a great guy. Someone should feel lucky to have me.
As much as it hurts to find out that is part of the rebuilding process. Whether we get better or not.. We also have a daughter so talk about killing me. I will miss out on alot of her life. She hopefully won't have problems b/c of us. She is not old enough to know what is going on. Today I am in a 'hate' mode. I go through should I try or just cut my losses. Do I start w/o money? Insurance? Cars?<hr /></blockquote>

You sound quite torn. Even if you cut your losses you will still be forever connected to your wife because of your child. Maybe try the Plan A/Plan B offered on this website and give your wife a chance. It must be hard and maybe it would have been easier if the affair ended and you never knew. The pain you are going through sounds unbearable to me. I would not want to put my H through this. I need to bear this pain alone and I have ended the A on my own.

This goes against one principle of this site but after reading this I cannot see the benefit of telling my H about the A. I'm getting better and think of OM less often. Your insight made sense -the illusion, only presenting the best side, etc. I also think there are people out there who prey on other's ENs and I think maybe I was a victim of that. We are all so vulnerable. I will not do this again and I have learned a very painful lesson. Because of what happened to you, does that mean you will never trust your H again? Ever?

I am torn. I am hurt. I am angry. I am furious. I am everything that I never wanted myself to be.
You know what I found out... I have not 1/4 of the person that I thought I was. I have alot of change to do. I thought of at least 5 things that I need to change w/o really thing about it. I would of been more upset if she would not of told me. I can't say much else but if you need someone to listen to or need a strength you can not find.. ask God for help. That is the only way I will get through this. Take care..

It's not just this site. To wit:

From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.:

“Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.”

“The expression “Adultery is for adults” conveys the notion that it takes a certain kind of caring and maturity in order to carry off an affair successfully. Many people cannot handle the inner burden of lies and deception, so one day they blurt out the truth. As with any wrongdoing there is always a concomitant need to confess. Some people will simply tell the truth, while others will unconsciously set up a situation that will expose them. The effect on one’s spouse is the same regardless: shock, intense pain, rage, and doubt that this hurt can ever heal and trust be reestablished.”

It hurts more than you will ever really know (I hope, for your sake), but the hurt was there BEFORE I found out, and it was killing my marriage. Exposing the hurt made it much more intense, but allowed us to treat the injury. You say maybe it would have been easier if ess never found out. Easier for him MAYBE, but not for his spouse. If we can not bear one another's burdens, why be in a partnership at all? Those people who hide the affair and never tell never know how good their marriages can be. Unfortunately they do not only cheat themselves of that - they also cheat their spouse (again).

[ September 24, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

I read the quote from book and understand the pain that revealing the A can have. I am very hesitant to do so as I do not want my family ripped apart. The A is over (I called it a fling as it was a one-weekend occurrence). I think it's more painful if the A goes on for a long period of time. Mine is over. I will have to live with the consequences. I cannot see how a WS could continue the A without going crazy.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Krissee:
I read the quote from book and understand the pain that revealing the A can have. I am very hesitant to do so as I do not want my family ripped apart.<hr /></blockquote>Perfectly understandable but can you say you absolutely trust your OM to keep his word? What if he changes his mind and wants to engage you in more 'flings'? How difficult will it be for you to resist him then when you stated the following: <blockquote>quote:<hr />"I've tried to make things better in my marriage but nothing replaces that intense passion I felt for OM. There is a possibility OM and I will see each other again."<hr /></blockquote>How are you going to protect yourself from engaging in another fling with him or any other man?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />The A is over (I called it a fling as it was a one-weekend occurrence). I think it's more painful if the A goes on for a long period of time. Mine is over. I will have to live with the consequences. I cannot see how a WS could continue the A without going crazy.<hr /></blockquote>Is it really? then why did you state the following?:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Now I find myself thinking about him daily. I want to get over him but am feeling depressed.<hr /></blockquote>Yes you will have to live with the consequences of your 'fling' but can your H live with it if it's starts to gradually affect your state of mind?

[ September 24, 2002, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]

Toomuchcoffeeman: Thank you for your response. This is helping somewhat. Your quotes are exact; my feelings were intense, but I am "waking up" to the reality of the situation and this website has helped enormously for me to start thinking differently. I have severed ties (not hard to do as we live in different states). OM's interest in this was sex, so the physical part is simple, no contact, no sex, no A. I still feel used but will get over it. I have made a commitment to never see OM again. Now I have to deal with my H. I wish so much that I had the insight to look into this site before I made the bad choices.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by johnh39:
Like you, my wife was never in love with her OM. During the three years of her affair, she started to work on our marriage. On the surface, things were getting better. So, why was I feeling more and more like I wanted to leave? Why was I hoping she would die in a plane crash when she traveled? ...We may not be able to solve the problems we have (though I am optimistic), but before she told me, we had no chance, because I did not know what they were.

Tell. Prefereably in the office of an MC that agrees you should tell.<hr /></blockquote>

There are some similarities to your situation but I can't see any problems with how my husband is relating to me now. All the improvements in our relationship have happened in the last few weeks, so perhaps it's too new to comment. I'm afraid of lasting effects though and you're tripping over the invisible elephant seems valid. This has obviously been very tough for you. Hang in there. I've got along road ahead, but I guess we all do.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> ...I can't see any problems with how my husband is relating to me now <hr /></blockquote>My wife could have written that, too. She had no idea how I was feeling. So, I had some honesty issues, too.

What about problems in how you relate to your husband?

H is working on meeting my EN's - it was sadly lacking - if I had found this out first, EA would have not occurred. I am grateful for the attention I am finally receiving. It's weird but M is going well and I'm not depressed any more about OM. I suppose as long as EN's are being met there is no danger of an A occurring again. H and I had been ignoring our M for too long.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Krissee:
Toomuchcoffeeman: Thank you for your response. This is helping somewhat. Your quotes are exact; my feelings were intense, but I am "waking up" to the reality of the situation and this website has helped enormously for me to start thinking differently.[/qb]<hr /></blockquote>I'm glad that this website is benefitting your M. Have you read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs'and 'Love Busters'? I highly recommend them.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I have severed ties (not hard to do as we live in different states). OM's interest in this was sex, so the physical part is simple, no contact, no sex, no A. I still feel used but will get over it. I have made a commitment to never see OM again. Now I have to deal with my H. I wish so much that I had the insight to look into this site before I made the bad choices.[/QB]<hr /></blockquote>Excellent as far as severing ties with OM, but as far as your feelings of being used by him, I have to point out that BOTH of you USED each other to satisfy your most important EN's.

Unfortunately there is no way to turn back the clock to the time prior to your choice of chosing to engage in your fling, but the future is very much wide open for wise choices taken today that will make it a bright one for you, your H and your M.

The OM has contacted me and I don't know how to respond. I thought it was over because I hadn't heard from him so I ended it (in my mind - assuming he didn't want contact if there was no physical meeting). I haven't responded, but I'll need to. I read over the ending the A on this website but I haven't revealed A to H yet, so we wouldn't be completing a letter to give to OM. I guess I have to do the "letter" on my own and send it to OM? I need some strength to do this so I'm praying. Has anyone has success (meaning it ended all contact) using the letter as suggested by this site?

I don't know your situation but if you've had an A and want it to end you must tell OM. It's easier than trying to figure out how to tell your H. Explain that you want to make your M work and that you will not have any contact with him again EVER. That's the only way you can sever the ties and start the healing. Also, check the other sources on this website. Breaking away from the OM wasn't the hard part but telling your H will be.

Krissee,

I am curious. Why don't you want to be honest with your husband and your fling? How strong do you really feel about this? Do you not see this as wrong behavior? You seem to be semi remorseful.

I am totally devastated and very remorseful over the A. I just can't bear to tell my H. I love my H more than anything in the world and I don't want to lose him. I think I'm just numb and can't deal with how to tell him. I am depressed not because I can't see OM, but for what I am for what I have done and for what the future might bring.

I just told my H about the A. It was as devastating as I expected. He didn't say much and had some questions. He hung up the phone and said he'll talk to me later. Now I don't know what to do.

Congratulations! You have just begun a very painful adventure. I hope and pray that you wil find the pain worth it.

There are a few things that I want to warn you about from my own experience:

This is going to be almost as painful for you as for him. Don't avoid the pain - it will seem to him that you are avoiding the solution. Don't hide the pain, either - seeing that you are genuinely hurt will help him understand that YOU don't want to go through this again, either, and will be evidence that you understand him.

Besides the obvious hurt and anger, he is going to feel like a failure. His reaction to that feeling is not predictable, and may not be pretty. Just understand that this is probably true, and if so, he will need lots of reassurance. Letting him see that you understand his pain and anger is helpful. Showing genuine remorse is helpful. Ironically, being honest with him about how you feel and felt, even if you ARE missing the OM, or the feelings somehow reflects a lack of love for or trust in your H will help, too, because it shows a continuing committment to honesty, which is one of the things that was lacking before.

This will take time for him to process. Try to be patient.

For me, and for many others, it is easier to deal with the pain if my wife is around than if she is gone. This can be an issue for couples where one or both travel for work. Generally speaking, the more time you spend together, the quicker the recovery.

The affair was your fault. Own that. BUT, the state of your marriage was both your responsibilities. Do your part to work hard at understanding what went wrong, whether through reading, counseling, or introspection. Point him to this board. Work through SAA or Torn Asunder or Private Lies or The State of Affairs together. Make sure he knows what you were unsatisfied with in your marriage, and work together on finding ways to change those things. This may seem ironic, but for me, it was really important for my wife to express her dis-satisfaction. It gave me something to do to help fix things. (Please note: expressing dissatisfaction is not the same as blaming. BOTH of you are responsible for the state your marriage was in before the affair. Both of you need to fix it. Expressing dissatisfaction with the marriage is not the same as expressing dissatisfaction with him.)

IMO, this has taken great courage. The most compelling reason that convinced me to stay when I found out was how I found out. My wife just told me, because she knew we could never have the kind of marriage either of us wanted if she kept that hidden. I thought it was the most loving thing she had done for me in years - no, the most loving thing she hade EVER done for me, because she also did it without expectations that we would stay married. She said she was unworthy to be my wife, and if I wanted, she would leave. It was the most impressive lesson in repentence and humility I have ever seen. I hope our husband sees things similarly.

[ September 28, 2002, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

thank you john for your response. It was a very painful experience and my H did not yell or lash out at me in any way. Understandably he was very hurt. I think what helped me in dealing with his reaction is what I read on this site. I was willing to take total responsibility for my actions and I am remorseful. H and I had LOTS of discussion about this during the past 24 hours and things are already starting to heal (slowly). I feel closer to him now than ever before and I love him more now. Having the A didn't do that, but being honest did. I cannot express enough how important this honesty now is. I also was expecting him to not want me anymore and I gave him that option. I did not feel this way to allow me to now be single, but rather to show him respect and allow him to make the choice. He doesn't want me to leave and says he loves me still. I also told him that he may change his mind as he goes through his feelings of anger, betrayal, etc. I'm not being a counsellor towards him. I'm just letting him express what he needs to say and I'm doing the same. I've explained how I felt/feel now about the OM. I need to read more on this site now on what to do next. I will continue to be honest to my H and tell him what I'm feeling. I agree with you that if we are together H seems to be better and I am willing to be there with him as much as he wants me to. I think this would be way worse if I was "caught" but it was a little better confessing to him about my actions and deciding to make a change. It also would be worse if I didn't want to stay in the M. thank you again for your response. H and I are hanging in there.

Now that I've confessed to the A, what do I/don't I reveal about OM? My H has all kinds of questions and I am trying to answer as best I can? Do I have to provide exact details (intimate) of the A to him? He wanted to contact the OM's W. I strongly discouraged that. Am I wrong? Can anyone help?

Congratulations on your honesty for it shows your integrity and the love and respect for your husband. I think you handled it perfectly with your discussion with your husband especially giving him the option to leave. You allowed him to have control over his life once again and of course he picked you which is no surprise.

Generally it ususally is suggested to always be honest with your husband about everything. Some husbands request full information about the intimacy of the affair and others do not. If your husband needs that information to heal that you should give him all of the information that he requests. The other question of telling the OM's wife is another matter. I do not see how this will heal your marriage at this point. The desire to tell the OM's wife is for revenge. I would try to dissuade him at this point unless it becomes a core point in the healing of your marriage. Remember honesty about all of the facts is a must.

I think the way you handled the situation is a perfect example of what to do to help repair a marriage. As a famous man once said: "Only the truth can set you free." I wish you luck.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> He wanted to contact the OM's W. I strongly discouraged that. Am I wrong? Can anyone help? <hr /></blockquote>Interestingly enough, I started a thread on this very topic. The replies were interesting. I also called Harley when he was on his wife's radio show. He said I should tell. The tread is located here: Should I tell OM's Spouse?

[ September 29, 2002, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

Krissee,

Good job! Honesty and respect go a very, very long way in healing a marriage. I only speak as a BS. My wife was honest with me and told me answers when I asked. Even the sorrid details was part of the healing process. Be prepared for your husband to compare himself to your lover. It's hard not to! Be ready how to counter that. Be ready for a rash of emotions. They consist of betrayal, anger, hurt, and depression just to name a few. Be ready for him. This will only help him come around.

I believe that your husband has that feeling of wanting to tell the OM wife not only out of revenge(self satisfaction) but for the same as he was expecting - honesty. I never got that chance so I really can't speak from experience. I can say though that if you withheld info from your husband such as names, numbers, details that it is much harder for him to trust you and beginning to trust you at this time is huge.

Keep us updated and I am sure that we will all help as much as we can. Read SAA and this website. Even offer your husband to read this info. The state of the marriage was hard to accept for me and may be for your husband. Easier said though. Your husband will easily say why didn't you just talk to me if it was this bad? Lots of questions for him. Don't blame though. He will have lots of self doubt. Be there for him as you have been so far and "show" him your love and willingness to fix your marriage. I am quite sure that it will work out. Good luck!

Krisee

Now that you told your H about your fling, the chances of you engaging in another fling or A, have been greatly reduced. If he realizes that he has been neglectful or ignorant of filling your most important EN's and wants to remain married to you, then he will try his best to meet them so that you may never be tempted again if you are ever in a similar circumstances.

Many WS's after their first A try to fix the M by themselves without the active participation of the ignorant BS, and when they see that nothing has changed in the M, their sense of frustration is so great that they end up giving up on the M and settle for subsequent A's to continue to meet those EN's. By the time the BS discovers the truth, years may have passed since the start of the WS's infidelity and even if the BS wants to work on rebuilding the M, the WS is very apathetic about trying again.

So now you see another important reason why honesty is the way to go.

Krissee,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. I hope that each day you're thinking less and less of the OM and that situation.

I hope things are going well for you and your H, and that your marriage can grow each day.

Take care,
Hopeful

I thank all of you for your help with this. I'm doing o.k. and not thinking about OM at all. He's not important - my H is. I felt better at first because I told the truth, but now I feel just sick inside over the hurt I have caused. I honestly had started feeling better earlier once I realized my EN's - once my H and I completed the questionnaire. That was the start of my healing and like getting hit in the head with a frying pan, I realized why the A occurred. My H's EN's were all being met so that explains some things - why he seemed happy. Now we must move on. I have never felt so close to my H in all my life. He's been wanting me close then distancing me then wanting me close again. I still offered the option to him that he can have me leave, but he still replies that he wants me to stay. Now I'm getting a few insults thrown at me over the A - understandable because of his pain. I tried to buy Dr. H's books but book store is sold out so I'll have to buy online I guess. Any ideas or encouragement at this point is greatly appreciated.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I have never felt so close to my H in all my life. He's been wanting me close then distancing me then wanting me close again. I still offered the option to him that he can have me leave, but he still replies that he wants me to stay. Now I'm getting a few insults thrown at me over the A - understandable because of his pain. I tried to buy Dr. H's books but book store is sold out so I'll have to buy online I guess. Any ideas or encouragement at this point is greatly appreciated.
<hr /></blockquote>Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster your husband will be riding for some months, at least.
There is no magic bullet to cure this. It mostly depends on him. There are two things you can do to help him. Point him to resources like SAA, "Torn Asunder", "Love Busters", HN/HN, "The Five Love Languages", "Passionate MArriage", Retrouvaille (they have a web site) Marriage Encounter Weekends, Harley's radio show, (if it is available in your area), marriage counseling, etc. The other is to be open and honest with him about how you feel about him and how he treats you. This means BOTH to tell him how close you feel to him, how much you appreciate his willingness to forgive you, how good any efforts he makes to fill your ENs make you feel, AND how the insults make you feel, how you feel when his efforts at filling your ENs miss the mark, how scared you are about whether you can fix the marriage, etc.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that both sides of your reactions need to be expressed, both the positive and negative. The positive is ESSENTIAL for him to recover, because he needs to know his efforts are being effective. It's one of the best things you can do to encourage him, and believe me, he needs encouragement. The second part is essential for you to recover. One of the biggest mistakes repentent WS's make is to minimize their own hurt because "the BS is suffering much more than I, so their angry (unacceptable, anti-marriage, anti-intimacy, anti-recovery) reactions are understandable, and I shold tolerate them". This is poison to a recovery. If your situation is similar to my wife's, it was precisely your inability to express your dis-satisfaction w/ the status quo that was one of the main reasons your marriage got to the point where you were so vulnerable to another man's attention.

Ideally, recovery is 100% about how to have a great marriage. The affair has to be explored only in relation to those things that help you to get to the great marriage. That may include some vey painful (for both of you) exploration of the affair in order to answer questions like:
What did H do to push you away from intimacy w/ him?
What was it in you that caused you to choose an A as a way of dealing with your problems, instead of some other method?
What wasn't H doing to draw you into intimacy w/ him?
How is your H different than your image of him?
How are you different than his image of you?
Hw did your unspoken expectations of each other contribute to the affair, and more importantly, which one's need to simply be spoken, and which ones need to be changed?

Then there is the problem of how to deal with these emotinally explosive issues without letting the anger, pain, embarrassment, and blaming overwhelm you and destroy your communication. This probably the hardest thing you will ever do. If you succeed, you will have a relationship w/ each other that is 1 in 10,000, if that.

Right now, he is stuck in his own emotional reactions to the A, which are likely to include a lot of anger. He cannot really control that. He CAN control what he does with it, and by showing him the negative consequences of attacking you with it, by being open and hoest about how it affects you, he should be able to see that his actions are not getting you closer to the "Great Marriage" goal, which may encourage him to make use of some of the resources listed above.

I also had lots of questions, including a level of detail many here are uncomfortable with. Although the questions and answers did not always serve the purpose of getting to the "Great Marriage" goal, the honesty and openness of my wife in answering those questions was of greater benefit to me than the negative consequences of finding out details that were painful. There were things she resisted answering, and that lack of openness and honesty was more painful than the answers were. Yes, she was frequently right that the answers did not help me. A better response than unspoken resistance would have been: "I am willing to answer honestly any questions you have. I do not believe answering this question will serve the goal of making our marriage better. But, if you feel you need an answer to move forward, I will give you the answer. I would also like to know why you feel a need for an answer to this question, so I can understand you better, and we can discuss that either before or after I give you the answer." This affirms your committment to H&O, it affirms your interest in him, it indicates a trust in his judgement, it encourages him to be be open and honest, encouraging good communication, and sounds a lot like "I will do whatever it takes to make this work, even if it is unpleasant for me at times, but I will not go through unpleasantness for no reason".

[ September 30, 2002, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

Hi Krissee,

Your'e doing great! It's not going to be easy though. He will be going through quite a bit of pain and questioning. Just be there for him and be honest with him.

Just to give you a brief bit of info about myself. I am the BS. My wife also had a "fling" that was over immediately. We are just about to come up on 2 years in Oct. It's not been fun, but is now becoming very rewarding. I believe I hampered the healing process and dip back into it every now and then. It's tough not to compare and wonder if things were that bad why we couldn't just talk and maybe go to counseling. Of course - hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.

Well, I see exactly what your are going through. His needs, as mine, were met, everything seemed good, he seemed happy. Your needs however, were not. I guess I didn't know what or how to meet some of the ones I finally found out about. Be careful here though, don't blame. My wife did and it seemed to derail the healing process. Yes, it was mutual on the state of the marriage but not on the affair. Understand that this unfortunately follows you for the rest of your life. It's how you deal and how your husband deals with it. It can work out though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Some questions to help not just me but others also:
Have you discussed counseling? Maybe counseling with the Harley's? How is your husband on the practices of Marriage Builders? Does he agree or disagree? Are there kids involved? How many years married? Does your husband know the OM? Is there any possiblity of STD's or pregnancy?

Well, for now just trying to help and get a better handle. It does get better! My wife and I are finally getting back on track and haven't felt closer in quite some time. It took some work, some patience on both of our parts. Come here for advice and to vent. Keep your chin up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your response was helpful. We had a very long talk last night (4 hours) and it was reasonable. We are now very intimate with each other and having lots of great sex. Hope this is o.k. to say this. My H's needs for this are great right now probably because he feels so vulnerable. This is absolutely wonderful. I'm wondering why things feel so good today. I feel like I can breath again and that there is lots of hope. Perhaps I'm feeling unworthy of this very kind and special treatment. Also feeling kinda of scared because this seems too good to be true. I send no contact letter yesterday with H's approval and copied H in. This was done willingly on my part. Question - is this normal to feel so good an close to H? Will this last? My H is obviously a wonderful and very forgiving S. Perhaps this is the guilt and self-loathing in me that feels I don't deserve my H? H wasn't meeting my EN's before but has been for a number of weeks - is that why I feel really extremely in love with H right now?

answer to your ?'s. No worry of STD, no worry of pregnancy. Yes, we have kids. They are fine - they don't know anything about this. My H does not know OM (he lives in another state), so no contact is very easy. My H believes in MB concepts so that's good. In fact, I started sharing some info from this site prior to me admitting to A. I guess all of this is good, right? Maybe we have less to worry about than I thought.

Hey Krissee,

Great job!

Yes, you can say that. Being intimate right now is so important. It reconnects you on that level. As far as feeling good - GOOD! Breathe, relax and realize that you have a genuine chance to make something better - your marriage. You're on the right track.

I was once told that the feeling of being vulnerable was what was needed for love to re-enter. That sounds exactly what you have had. It's keeping yourself open and trusting that your spouse will always be there for you and will never hurt you.

I believe that your no contact letter is huge. Being honest and up front especially now, with your husbands blessing is big - especially for trust. Keep everything as positive as you can. Focus on that. Focus on your husband, you, the children, your family, and your marriage.

Your intimacy level seems to be real close right now. Be ready though for that roller coaster. I hope it won't happen! It sounds like you have a very forgiving husband that loves his wife very much and that he will do what it takes for you! You acting the way you are right now also has alot to do with this. A large wall was knocked down but must now be put back up, brick by brick! As far as your feelings are concerned about the needs being met - of course you are right. That is what that raw, open, vulnerable feeling is. He meets your needs and you meet his. You are there for him no matter what and vice versa. This does actually work! The hard part is that you have to keep it up - keep working at it. It's not an on and off button. It's a choice!

Take a look at this post. There are numerous postings on the recovery and success stories throughout MB. These are great as far as running into problems that you will eventually have. I hope they help. One of my most favorite success stories is about "SKM". Her story sounds alot like you and when she "began" her chapter down this road to recovery.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html

Well, long enough for now. You sound like you are doing very well. Congratulations! Keep us updated. Remember to always come here to ask questions, vent, whatever!

Krissee,
I know that the emotion rollcoaster will depend on you too. You sound like you have a very level head and you are willing to work on everything. I hope things get nothing but better for you. Hang in there and don't forget what a great thing you did by being honest w/ him along w/ yourself. Things all work out and just keep everything in context. I was glad to check in & see you are better. Prayers do work..

thanks ees. Like I said before all of you played a part in helping me come to terms with my need to tell about the A. The roller coaster ride has definitely started. Last night we almost regressed. It's hard to explain but with the regular routine we almost slipped back into our old ways. It's so easy to get distracted with all the other demands being placed on us daily. Instead of ignoring it, we took time for ourselves, went for coffee and discussed. What a great thing to do. By the time we got back home we were back on track. I would encourage anyone to take time out every single day to reconnect.

I am so glad for you. See good things will happen even in the darkest moment. If there is anything I can do for you or if you regress (hopefully not)
keep looking at the long term picture. It is all to easy to focus on the bad in a relationship when all things are happening. I know that you will be stronger & so will your marriage after all this is over. Be understanding of what your husband is going through. Do those little things for him b/c we are only looking for small victories.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />It's so easy to get distracted with all the other demands being placed on us daily. Instead of ignoring it, we took time for ourselves, went for coffee and discussed. What a great thing to do. By the time we got back home we were back on track. I would encourage anyone to take time out every single day to reconnect.<hr /></blockquote>If you make this reconnecting a habit, then the old ways will become a thing of the past.

Somebody said it and it's worth repeating, that the best gift parents can give to their children is a great marriage.

To paraphrase a well known saying, the price of a great marriage is eternal vigilance.

God bless you and your loved ones.