Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
#78397 09/24/02 02:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
You sound quite torn. Even if you cut your losses you will still be forever connected to your wife because of your child. Maybe try the Plan A/Plan B offered on this website and give your wife a chance. It must be hard and maybe it would have been easier if the affair ended and you never knew. The pain you are going through sounds unbearable to me. I would not want to put my H through this. I need to bear this pain alone and I have ended the A on my own.

#78398 09/24/02 02:34 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
This goes against one principle of this site but after reading this I cannot see the benefit of telling my H about the A. I'm getting better and think of OM less often. Your insight made sense -the illusion, only presenting the best side, etc. I also think there are people out there who prey on other's ENs and I think maybe I was a victim of that. We are all so vulnerable. I will not do this again and I have learned a very painful lesson. Because of what happened to you, does that mean you will never trust your H again? Ever?

#78399 09/24/02 04:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 34
E
ees Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 34
I am torn. I am hurt. I am angry. I am furious. I am everything that I never wanted myself to be.
You know what I found out... I have not 1/4 of the person that I thought I was. I have alot of change to do. I thought of at least 5 things that I need to change w/o really thing about it. I would of been more upset if she would not of told me. I can't say much else but if you need someone to listen to or need a strength you can not find.. ask God for help. That is the only way I will get through this. Take care..

#78400 09/24/02 04:54 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
It's not just this site. To wit:

From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.:

“Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.”

“The expression “Adultery is for adults” conveys the notion that it takes a certain kind of caring and maturity in order to carry off an affair successfully. Many people cannot handle the inner burden of lies and deception, so one day they blurt out the truth. As with any wrongdoing there is always a concomitant need to confess. Some people will simply tell the truth, while others will unconsciously set up a situation that will expose them. The effect on one’s spouse is the same regardless: shock, intense pain, rage, and doubt that this hurt can ever heal and trust be reestablished.”

It hurts more than you will ever really know (I hope, for your sake), but the hurt was there BEFORE I found out, and it was killing my marriage. Exposing the hurt made it much more intense, but allowed us to treat the injury. You say maybe it would have been easier if ess never found out. Easier for him MAYBE, but not for his spouse. If we can not bear one another's burdens, why be in a partnership at all? Those people who hide the affair and never tell never know how good their marriages can be. Unfortunately they do not only cheat themselves of that - they also cheat their spouse (again).

[ September 24, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

#78401 09/24/02 05:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
I read the quote from book and understand the pain that revealing the A can have. I am very hesitant to do so as I do not want my family ripped apart. The A is over (I called it a fling as it was a one-weekend occurrence). I think it's more painful if the A goes on for a long period of time. Mine is over. I will have to live with the consequences. I cannot see how a WS could continue the A without going crazy.

#78402 09/24/02 05:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
quote:
Originally posted by Krissee:
I read the quote from book and understand the pain that revealing the A can have. I am very hesitant to do so as I do not want my family ripped apart.

Perfectly understandable but can you say you absolutely trust your OM to keep his word? What if he changes his mind and wants to engage you in more 'flings'? How difficult will it be for you to resist him then when you stated the following:
quote:
"I've tried to make things better in my marriage but nothing replaces that intense passion I felt for OM. There is a possibility OM and I will see each other again."
How are you going to protect yourself from engaging in another fling with him or any other man?

quote:
The A is over (I called it a fling as it was a one-weekend occurrence). I think it's more painful if the A goes on for a long period of time. Mine is over. I will have to live with the consequences. I cannot see how a WS could continue the A without going crazy.
Is it really? then why did you state the following?:

quote:
Now I find myself thinking about him daily. I want to get over him but am feeling depressed.
Yes you will have to live with the consequences of your 'fling' but can your H live with it if it's starts to gradually affect your state of mind?

[ September 24, 2002, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]

#78403 09/25/02 08:09 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
Toomuchcoffeeman: Thank you for your response. This is helping somewhat. Your quotes are exact; my feelings were intense, but I am "waking up" to the reality of the situation and this website has helped enormously for me to start thinking differently. I have severed ties (not hard to do as we live in different states). OM's interest in this was sex, so the physical part is simple, no contact, no sex, no A. I still feel used but will get over it. I have made a commitment to never see OM again. Now I have to deal with my H. I wish so much that I had the insight to look into this site before I made the bad choices.

#78404 09/25/02 08:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
quote:
Originally posted by johnh39:
Like you, my wife was never in love with her OM. During the three years of her affair, she started to work on our marriage. On the surface, things were getting better. So, why was I feeling more and more like I wanted to leave? Why was I hoping she would die in a plane crash when she traveled? ...We may not be able to solve the problems we have (though I am optimistic), but before she told me, we had no chance, because I did not know what they were.

Tell. Prefereably in the office of an MC that agrees you should tell.


#78405 09/25/02 08:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
There are some similarities to your situation but I can't see any problems with how my husband is relating to me now. All the improvements in our relationship have happened in the last few weeks, so perhaps it's too new to comment. I'm afraid of lasting effects though and you're tripping over the invisible elephant seems valid. This has obviously been very tough for you. Hang in there. I've got along road ahead, but I guess we all do.

#78406 09/25/02 09:05 AM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
quote:
...I can't see any problems with how my husband is relating to me now
My wife could have written that, too. She had no idea how I was feeling. So, I had some honesty issues, too.

What about problems in how you relate to your husband?

#78407 09/25/02 09:39 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
H is working on meeting my EN's - it was sadly lacking - if I had found this out first, EA would have not occurred. I am grateful for the attention I am finally receiving. It's weird but M is going well and I'm not depressed any more about OM. I suppose as long as EN's are being met there is no danger of an A occurring again. H and I had been ignoring our M for too long.

#78408 09/25/02 10:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
quote:
Originally posted by Krissee:
Toomuchcoffeeman: Thank you for your response. This is helping somewhat. Your quotes are exact; my feelings were intense, but I am "waking up" to the reality of the situation and this website has helped enormously for me to start thinking differently.[/qb]

I'm glad that this website is benefitting your M. Have you read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs'and 'Love Busters'? I highly recommend them.

quote:
I have severed ties (not hard to do as we live in different states). OM's interest in this was sex, so the physical part is simple, no contact, no sex, no A. I still feel used but will get over it. I have made a commitment to never see OM again. Now I have to deal with my H. I wish so much that I had the insight to look into this site before I made the bad choices.[/QB]
Excellent as far as severing ties with OM, but as far as your feelings of being used by him, I have to point out that BOTH of you USED each other to satisfy your most important EN's.

Unfortunately there is no way to turn back the clock to the time prior to your choice of chosing to engage in your fling, but the future is very much wide open for wise choices taken today that will make it a bright one for you, your H and your M.

#78409 09/27/02 11:39 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 4
E
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
E
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 4
The OM has contacted me and I don't know how to respond. I thought it was over because I hadn't heard from him so I ended it (in my mind - assuming he didn't want contact if there was no physical meeting). I haven't responded, but I'll need to. I read over the ending the A on this website but I haven't revealed A to H yet, so we wouldn't be completing a letter to give to OM. I guess I have to do the "letter" on my own and send it to OM? I need some strength to do this so I'm praying. Has anyone has success (meaning it ended all contact) using the letter as suggested by this site?

#78410 09/28/02 12:07 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
I don't know your situation but if you've had an A and want it to end you must tell OM. It's easier than trying to figure out how to tell your H. Explain that you want to make your M work and that you will not have any contact with him again EVER. That's the only way you can sever the ties and start the healing. Also, check the other sources on this website. Breaking away from the OM wasn't the hard part but telling your H will be.

#78411 09/28/02 12:33 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 64
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 64
Krissee,

I am curious. Why don't you want to be honest with your husband and your fling? How strong do you really feel about this? Do you not see this as wrong behavior? You seem to be semi remorseful.

#78412 09/27/02 05:57 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
I am totally devastated and very remorseful over the A. I just can't bear to tell my H. I love my H more than anything in the world and I don't want to lose him. I think I'm just numb and can't deal with how to tell him. I am depressed not because I can't see OM, but for what I am for what I have done and for what the future might bring.

#78413 09/27/02 06:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
I just told my H about the A. It was as devastating as I expected. He didn't say much and had some questions. He hung up the phone and said he'll talk to me later. Now I don't know what to do.

#78414 09/28/02 06:03 AM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
Congratulations! You have just begun a very painful adventure. I hope and pray that you wil find the pain worth it.

There are a few things that I want to warn you about from my own experience:

This is going to be almost as painful for you as for him. Don't avoid the pain - it will seem to him that you are avoiding the solution. Don't hide the pain, either - seeing that you are genuinely hurt will help him understand that YOU don't want to go through this again, either, and will be evidence that you understand him.

Besides the obvious hurt and anger, he is going to feel like a failure. His reaction to that feeling is not predictable, and may not be pretty. Just understand that this is probably true, and if so, he will need lots of reassurance. Letting him see that you understand his pain and anger is helpful. Showing genuine remorse is helpful. Ironically, being honest with him about how you feel and felt, even if you ARE missing the OM, or the feelings somehow reflects a lack of love for or trust in your H will help, too, because it shows a continuing committment to honesty, which is one of the things that was lacking before.

This will take time for him to process. Try to be patient.

For me, and for many others, it is easier to deal with the pain if my wife is around than if she is gone. This can be an issue for couples where one or both travel for work. Generally speaking, the more time you spend together, the quicker the recovery.

The affair was your fault. Own that. BUT, the state of your marriage was both your responsibilities. Do your part to work hard at understanding what went wrong, whether through reading, counseling, or introspection. Point him to this board. Work through SAA or Torn Asunder or Private Lies or The State of Affairs together. Make sure he knows what you were unsatisfied with in your marriage, and work together on finding ways to change those things. This may seem ironic, but for me, it was really important for my wife to express her dis-satisfaction. It gave me something to do to help fix things. (Please note: expressing dissatisfaction is not the same as blaming. BOTH of you are responsible for the state your marriage was in before the affair. Both of you need to fix it. Expressing dissatisfaction with the marriage is not the same as expressing dissatisfaction with him.)

IMO, this has taken great courage. The most compelling reason that convinced me to stay when I found out was how I found out. My wife just told me, because she knew we could never have the kind of marriage either of us wanted if she kept that hidden. I thought it was the most loving thing she had done for me in years - no, the most loving thing she hade EVER done for me, because she also did it without expectations that we would stay married. She said she was unworthy to be my wife, and if I wanted, she would leave. It was the most impressive lesson in repentence and humility I have ever seen. I hope our husband sees things similarly.

[ September 28, 2002, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

#78415 09/29/02 09:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
thank you john for your response. It was a very painful experience and my H did not yell or lash out at me in any way. Understandably he was very hurt. I think what helped me in dealing with his reaction is what I read on this site. I was willing to take total responsibility for my actions and I am remorseful. H and I had LOTS of discussion about this during the past 24 hours and things are already starting to heal (slowly). I feel closer to him now than ever before and I love him more now. Having the A didn't do that, but being honest did. I cannot express enough how important this honesty now is. I also was expecting him to not want me anymore and I gave him that option. I did not feel this way to allow me to now be single, but rather to show him respect and allow him to make the choice. He doesn't want me to leave and says he loves me still. I also told him that he may change his mind as he goes through his feelings of anger, betrayal, etc. I'm not being a counsellor towards him. I'm just letting him express what he needs to say and I'm doing the same. I've explained how I felt/feel now about the OM. I need to read more on this site now on what to do next. I will continue to be honest to my H and tell him what I'm feeling. I agree with you that if we are together H seems to be better and I am willing to be there with him as much as he wants me to. I think this would be way worse if I was "caught" but it was a little better confessing to him about my actions and deciding to make a change. It also would be worse if I didn't want to stay in the M. thank you again for your response. H and I are hanging in there.

#78416 09/29/02 09:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
K
Krissee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 441
Now that I've confessed to the A, what do I/don't I reveal about OM? My H has all kinds of questions and I am trying to answer as best I can? Do I have to provide exact details (intimate) of the A to him? He wanted to contact the OM's W. I strongly discouraged that. Am I wrong? Can anyone help?

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (Olivia 80, kenmw), 37 guests, and 152 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw
71,696 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,676
Members71,697
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5