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#78377 09/12/02 11:02 AM
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Last winter I met a married man (I'm a married woman) at a conference. We became friends through email. A few months ago I went to his city on business and we had a weekend affair. We've kept in touch by email. Now I find myself thinking about him daily. I want to get over him but am feeling depressed. We promised each other that we would not tell our spouses. I've tried to make things better in my marriage but nothing replaces that intense passion I felt for OM. There is a possibility OM and I will see each other again. OM's W was already having some depression issues when I met him. I feel used by this guy. I'm very attractive and think he just used me but he's still emailing me so we can meet again. How do I end this? Do I owe him an explanation?

#78378 09/12/02 01:44 PM
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Have you read this article?

The Lover's Perspective

You need to end contact with this man decisively...I'd suggest a "no-contact" letter (there are examples on this site). Then you and your H need to rebuild your M & make it strong and fulfilling...and chances are that will only come in the wake of honesty.

Good luck--

Kathi

#78379 09/13/02 12:51 AM
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This must be ended if you want to salvage your marriage.....absolutely NO CONTACT.

#78380 09/13/02 04:30 AM
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Krissee,

You need to end contact with this man...no matter how much you miss him.

Gloria

#78381 09/13/02 06:52 PM
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Krissee,

I've been there and done that...no contact really is the best way. I am in the no contact phase with someone I love myself. It hurts so much and there are so many "triggers" which make me think of him, so some days it seems I think of him constantly. Be strong and work on your marriage; it is so hard, but it is worth it.

DJ

#78382 09/17/02 08:05 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by djmusicbox:
<strong>Krissee,

I've been there and done that...no contact really is the best way. I am in the no contact phase with someone I love myself. It hurts so much and there are so many "triggers" which make me think of him, so some days it seems I think of him constantly. Be strong and work on your marriage; it is so hard, but it is worth it.

DJ</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

#78383 09/17/02 08:11 AM
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Thanks so much for your support regarding this issue. I'm fortunate that I didn't let it get to the love state and I'm working hard at staying away. I feel sad less often now and am working on the EN's. I still would not tell my H about this. Does anyone have any definite thoughts on that? Can I "recover" fully without telling him. I really feel no need to share this with him. I am getting better at expressing my needs to H and things are slowly getting better. I've seen too many spouses "punish" the one who fooled around and I don't see the benefit of that. I used to think it was all the fault of the one who cheated but now I know differently.

#78384 09/17/02 09:16 PM
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helluva question that one...

#78385 09/20/02 11:19 AM
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My wife just told me Tues night about her and someone else. I went through all the emotions and questions. We met with a counselor (our pastor)yesterday. This helped tremendously to get a non interested third party. I have not communicated with my wife in a long time. We would "talk" about nothing. Work, friends, movies, the baby but not about US. We sat on the couch last night and talked. Sounds like nothing but it is the beginning of something. I don't know if it will work. I can't guarantee it will but you know what, at least try. It hurts to hear it but it opened my eyes to what she needs. It also opened my eyes to what I need to work on. I have to say I said some mean things and thought so bad thoughts when I found out. But you know what, I looked at everyone else for blame but me. Tell Him. Get help. I don't know him but if he is voilent, tell him at a public area. Counselor spoke about this.

#78386 09/22/02 11:23 PM
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Kris,
Please end it immediately. My A began in a simliar fashion--long distance--emails, internet. It was absolutely addictive in an unreal way. I didn't have the sense to end it, and so I tried to justify it by separating from my H. Eventually the H found out about the OM, and he filed. Now I'm divorced. I finally ended it with the OM a few months ago. He'd even relocated here, and what a disaster that was! The person he presented during our weekend liasons was nothing like the real person I got to know. I would give anything to turn the clock back, and redo my life.

Please, stop all contact with this man. It will be hard at first, but you'll get over it. Don't end up like me--alone and hopeful for a reconciliation with the REAL love of my life, my Ex. Work on your marriage now, while you still have one.

Hopeful

#78387 09/23/02 07:44 AM
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I appreciate your honesty more than you will ever know. It has been a couple of weeks since I've had any contact with the OM. I am now working on my emotional needs. I realize now that if I had understood what I was lacking I probably could have prevented the A. I know it must be hard for you and it scares me to think I was planning much the same as you did. I hope you can reconcile somehow with your ex. It's too bad. I still am torn about if I should tell my H about the A. I don't want to. In the meantime H and I are working on improving things and our marriage is getting a little better. Thank you again for your input and I wish you well.

#78388 09/23/02 07:46 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ees:
<strong>My wife just told me Tues night about her and someone else. I went through all the emotions and questions. We met with a counselor (our pastor)yesterday. This helped tremendously to get a non interested third party. I have not communicated with my wife in a long time. We would "talk" about nothing. Work, friends, movies, the baby but not about US. We sat on the couch last night and talked. Sounds like nothing but it is the beginning of something. I don't know if it will work. I can't guarantee it will but you know what, at least try. It hurts to hear it but it opened my eyes to what she needs. It also opened my eyes to what I need to work on. I have to say I said some mean things and thought so bad thoughts when I found out. But you know what, I looked at everyone else for blame but me. Tell Him. Get help. I don't know him but if he is voilent, tell him at a public area. Counselor spoke about this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

#78389 09/23/02 07:55 AM
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Thank you for your helpful insight. I am way to scared to tell H about OM. He's not violent but I'm still afraid of his response (emotionally). I've read through everything on this website about infidelity and it has helped me alot. I still can't see how it will help our M if I tell him. Why did your wife tell you? Do you think you could have made your marriage work if she hadn't told you? Did she tell you because she was afraid of getting caught? How are you dealing with this emotionally now? I know it actually takes both H and W for an A to start - something lacking in the marriage. Glad to see you are not blaming just her. That's so important. We just completed the emotional needs survey and it was amazing how much my H feels I meet his needs totally in every way, yet survey showed he's not meeting mine. I think I'm starting to get through. I haven't completed a letter to end the A yet but I am through with it. Did your wife end the A on her own?

#78390 09/23/02 08:28 AM
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Why did my wife tell me?? I asked if there was someone else. She said she was "in love" with him. I talked with the guy for an hr. over the phone. I asked him questions that he had no answers too. Like why don't you tell her parents? His parents?Why don't you tell her brother? It was his best friend. I remember when I first met my w. I had to tell everyone. They are not "in love".
I don't know if our marriage will work
Emotionally I have gone through everything..
I have hate, angry, sadness, frustration, emptiness, & everything else. I don't think I could get much lower.
She ended with him to make us work. She still thinks about him. When she hears a song or just wondering about things. He said that he will never talk to her again. Everyone that she talks too and knows us; thinks she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She has a chronic illness and been through alot. I have been there at her lower than lowest point. I have never left her side. I have slept in a chair for days at her bedside. I have to realize that I am a great guy. Someone should feel lucky to have me.
As much as it hurts to find out that is part of the rebuilding process. Whether we get better or not.. We also have a daughter so talk about killing me. I will miss out on alot of her life. She hopefully won't have problems b/c of us. She is not old enough to know what is going on. Today I am in a 'hate' mode. I go through should I try or just cut my losses. Do I start w/o money? Insurance? Cars?

#78391 09/23/02 07:06 PM
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Remember, who you meet and get to know in an affair is not the reality of the person. He is an illusion. You showed only the best of yourselves to each other. An illusion is all that it will ever be.

The passion and obsession has nothing to do with the man. It has to do with how strong relationships feel when they are brand new. You once felt identically for your H. OM will someday become old and familiar to you, and you will want to keep searching for that "high". It's not real. It's not how relationships work. When you think of him in your mind, replace it with some repulsive thought - the sight of a dead animal or anything that makes you turn away. Picture what you will lose, not this illusion you will never have. YOU WILL NEVER REGAIN the love and trust of your Husband again in the way you had it before last weekend. YOU WILL SPEND the rest of your life regretting your choice.

#78392 09/23/02 09:33 PM
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This is going to sound harsh but I believe that you are still lying and decieving your husband by not telling him the truth. Your marriage is now based on a false foundation. You have taken away his right as a marriage partner to decide for himself how he wishes to proceed with his partner and how to rebuild. You have sexually betrayed your husband and put his health at risk for STD's but you feel you do not wish to tell him the truth for fear he may be hurt or become angry with you. My guess is that you may fear financial repercussions. The point is that you are continuing to be selfish and are playing God by withholding information from a marriage partner who committed and believed in you. He should have the right to make decisions about where he wishes to go with his marriage. By withholding this information you again continue to betray and disrespect his rights as a husband. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would have a different attitude. I feel sorry for your husband because he has a wife who still refuses to be honest and truthful to him about the nature of their marriage. It is sad that you still refuse to face the consequences of your actions and continue to see your husband as someone you can manipulate. If you love your husband you will tell him the truth or otherwise you are just using him for your own benefit. You owe the truth to your husband at the very least and show him the respect he deserves as your husband and the man who made the legal committment to you. I wish you luck.

#78393 09/24/02 08:07 AM
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That is exactly how I felt. Financially my w would not have a chance at this point w/o me. If you don't let him know nothing will get better. If the tables were turned you would want to know. Figure out when and do it.
But it is amazing how the healing has started already. We are no means the way that we use to be but it is turning at least somewhat positive.
I don't know if it is the counseling or scripture or something else. Get help. Stay strong.

#78394 09/24/02 08:19 AM
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Krissee: you asked why you should tell your husband, and do not see why it will help. One reason is very clear in the materials on this web site. Simply put, to have a great marriage, you have to be honest with each other. It is not optional. The stuff in Basic Concepts describes what is required to have a great marriage. Radical Honesty is a part of that. Not being Radically Honest forces you to wear a mask of sorts, which gets between you and your spouse, preventing true intimacy. Instead of having a relationship with you, they have a relationship with someone else who is sort of like you, but not really you.

Another reason is my own experience. Like you, my wife was never in love with her OM. During the three years of her affair, she started to work on our marriage. On the surface, things were getting better. So, why was I feeling more and more like I wanted to leave? Why was I hoping she would die in a plane crash when she traveled? Why was I hostile toward her when she wold do things to show she cared about me? My brain saw the positive changes and came to the conclusion that our marriage was improving. But...my emotions were telling me something else, and I had no idea why. I thought something was wrong with me. I struggled against my feelings, trying, in vain, to push them away. But I kept tripping over the invisible elephant in our living room, and wondering why I kept falling down. When she confessed, everything suddenly made sense. Well, OK, I had a lot of questions, so it took some time (reading SAA and taking the ENQ were a HUGE help), and frankly, some things still don't really make sense, but at least I know why I was feeling the way I was. We may not be able to solve the problems we have (though I am optimistic), but before she told me, we had no chance, because I did not know what they were.

Tell. Prefereably in the office of an MC that agrees you should tell.

#78395 09/24/02 10:42 AM
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How are you going to feel if one day you overheard your H say to a friend or relative that you are incapable of betraying him with another man?

At this point in time, your H is in love with a woman that doesn't exist.

#78396 09/24/02 02:20 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ees:
<strong>Why did my wife tell me?? I asked if there was someone else. She said she was "in love" with him. I talked with the guy for an hr. over the phone. I asked him questions that he had no answers too. Like why don't you tell her parents? His parents?Why don't you tell her brother? It was his best friend. I remember when I first met my w. I had to tell everyone. They are not "in love".
I don't know if our marriage will work
Emotionally I have gone through everything..
I have hate, angry, sadness, frustration, emptiness, & everything else. I don't think I could get much lower.
She ended with him to make us work. She still thinks about him. When she hears a song or just wondering about things. He said that he will never talk to her again. Everyone that she talks too and knows us; thinks she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She has a chronic illness and been through alot. I have been there at her lower than lowest point. I have never left her side. I have slept in a chair for days at her bedside. I have to realize that I am a great guy. Someone should feel lucky to have me.
As much as it hurts to find out that is part of the rebuilding process. Whether we get better or not.. We also have a daughter so talk about killing me. I will miss out on alot of her life. She hopefully won't have problems b/c of us. She is not old enough to know what is going on. Today I am in a 'hate' mode. I go through should I try or just cut my losses. Do I start w/o money? Insurance? Cars?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

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