What is the proper way to respond to IB and LBs... - 04/19/12 08:21 PM
So H and I are pretty familiar with the program. We are doing the books/CDs/workbooks.
We get 15-25 hours a week of UA time. Actually we spend all but about 50 hours a week together.
I have lots of stuff to work on, but I feel like I am doing a good job of meeting needs and not LBing. My biggest Lb BY FAR are DJs. I had a big problem with venting and AOs. It has not worked out well to eliminate them. I am happy that I have done so well at eliminating AOs because it is wrong etc. but it has not been good for my marriage because he feels like he is doing fine when he isn't. I think I may misunderstand something:
What is the correct way to respond to Ib? I have been responding to LBs like this: either calmly pointing them out in the moment or, more often, sitting down about once a week and calmly letting him know of LBs without venting or going on and on. The only consequence is a lower love bank balance on my end, but if I am doing my job right, he won't actually notice this, right?
So we had a really rough week last week, complicated situation involving lots of triggers for past stress etc. It involved major LBs on his part including an overnight trip. When I brought up the trip (which I was originally fine with and probably would have been fine with again after talking about it) he got instantly defensive and weird. I didn't let it escalate too much and avoided LBs. When things cooled off and we had nice UA time we talked about it calmly and he said he was defensive because he wanted to go and he did not want to have any conversation with me that involved not going and had his defenses up. We had lots of UA time after that including a little overnight at a local hotel. I was still bummed about what happened (the defensiveness on his part) but I did awesome need-meeting etc. (I am not getting my needs met very well and H still LBs me out of habit). That was the weekend before his overnight.
So I felt so terrible and sad while he was away on his trip. I did not tell him that if he went I would be upset with him or that it would lower my love bank balance or whatever. He knows MB concepts. BUT when he got back I didn't know how to act. He planned an awesome date for when he got back and I was awkward at the house before we left. He asked me if I was mad and I was honest, that I didn't feel great about our marriage. We went on the date and of course he was tense and distant. I know that was my fault...
We ended up having a yucky conversation today...not a fight really, but an honest conversation. I told him that he was draining my LB faster than he could fill it up. He takes great offense to this. He does not think it's valid for IB to cause this huge of a problem. I really want to separate when he talks like this, I worry that our marriage will never improve if he doesn't believe the LB concept. He tells me "it's on me" if we separate over something so stupid (doing fun stuff without me)...I tend to agree, but I am a wreck all the time over our relationship.
What am I missing. I should be: meeting needs, avoiding LBs and letting him know what my needs are and when he LBs, right?
I only find out my LBs to him when I bring up that I am upset about something he is doing, so I thought I was doing well, but maybe I am not...
I feel like plan B with a small child and a faithful, non-abusive, non-addicted spouse seems ridiculous but I am sad and upset all the time.
That was really long. The real questions are: what is the proper way to respond to LBs and is it really act sweet and loving right up until plan b? Seems weird and manipulative. I don't think he knows how much damage he is doing when I use only calm words...
We get 15-25 hours a week of UA time. Actually we spend all but about 50 hours a week together.
I have lots of stuff to work on, but I feel like I am doing a good job of meeting needs and not LBing. My biggest Lb BY FAR are DJs. I had a big problem with venting and AOs. It has not worked out well to eliminate them. I am happy that I have done so well at eliminating AOs because it is wrong etc. but it has not been good for my marriage because he feels like he is doing fine when he isn't. I think I may misunderstand something:
What is the correct way to respond to Ib? I have been responding to LBs like this: either calmly pointing them out in the moment or, more often, sitting down about once a week and calmly letting him know of LBs without venting or going on and on. The only consequence is a lower love bank balance on my end, but if I am doing my job right, he won't actually notice this, right?
So we had a really rough week last week, complicated situation involving lots of triggers for past stress etc. It involved major LBs on his part including an overnight trip. When I brought up the trip (which I was originally fine with and probably would have been fine with again after talking about it) he got instantly defensive and weird. I didn't let it escalate too much and avoided LBs. When things cooled off and we had nice UA time we talked about it calmly and he said he was defensive because he wanted to go and he did not want to have any conversation with me that involved not going and had his defenses up. We had lots of UA time after that including a little overnight at a local hotel. I was still bummed about what happened (the defensiveness on his part) but I did awesome need-meeting etc. (I am not getting my needs met very well and H still LBs me out of habit). That was the weekend before his overnight.
So I felt so terrible and sad while he was away on his trip. I did not tell him that if he went I would be upset with him or that it would lower my love bank balance or whatever. He knows MB concepts. BUT when he got back I didn't know how to act. He planned an awesome date for when he got back and I was awkward at the house before we left. He asked me if I was mad and I was honest, that I didn't feel great about our marriage. We went on the date and of course he was tense and distant. I know that was my fault...
We ended up having a yucky conversation today...not a fight really, but an honest conversation. I told him that he was draining my LB faster than he could fill it up. He takes great offense to this. He does not think it's valid for IB to cause this huge of a problem. I really want to separate when he talks like this, I worry that our marriage will never improve if he doesn't believe the LB concept. He tells me "it's on me" if we separate over something so stupid (doing fun stuff without me)...I tend to agree, but I am a wreck all the time over our relationship.
What am I missing. I should be: meeting needs, avoiding LBs and letting him know what my needs are and when he LBs, right?
I only find out my LBs to him when I bring up that I am upset about something he is doing, so I thought I was doing well, but maybe I am not...
I feel like plan B with a small child and a faithful, non-abusive, non-addicted spouse seems ridiculous but I am sad and upset all the time.
That was really long. The real questions are: what is the proper way to respond to LBs and is it really act sweet and loving right up until plan b? Seems weird and manipulative. I don't think he knows how much damage he is doing when I use only calm words...