Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond! My H is the total opposite of a bully! He actual takes my abuse (if all LBs are abuse?) and pretty much refuses to let me know if I am Lbing him. I have to study Lovebusters material and diligently work on the stuff I KNOW is wrong. He won't help me in that process though. The few LBs he has brought to my attention (during a fight or in response to me pointing out his) have been a little out there. Frankly, I suspect, based on his actions (DJ here) that my complaints and requests are LBs...

That brings up a thought I have (a DJ to assume what my husband feels, but he won't tell me) he seems to avoid confrontation and just "jokes" about stuff. Often when I take his joke seriously in an effort to address his concern or complaint, he will say "I'm just joking" he does not like to be serious.

He doesn't think I am ugly and isn't calling me ugly, he is just joking. BUT when he does/did have a problem with my appearance he would tell me in jokes or in bizarre hyperbole. He does not like having a calm, serious talk about our relationship. He thinks relationship talk is for 17-year-old girls. (quote)

He has been more than willing to use MB materials (we have the home course) but he doesn't initiate doing it at all and ultimately he is deeply sad and disappointed that we "need a marriage program" but I digress.

I read the example posted and it only sort-of describes our situation. My husband often acknowledges that he hurt me, but he just looks so sad sitting there after making a simple joke and having me be hurt. It is such a crappy situation. MB says that his jokes are simply a bad habit that hurts me, but I am starting to feel that it is my husband's contempt bubbling to the surface.

My poor H he tries so hard be he LBs constantly. It's this huge burden for him. He loves me, puts in effort and messes up every other second.

Also, a recent LB on his part revealed that it is an LB for me to say I don't like something he likes even if I am respectful. (DJ alert) maybe that's why he can't talk about some of my LBs in a calm manner...talking about them rationally would make him look silly? I mean how do you tell your spouse that any time they verbalize that they don't like something you like it's an LB? And yes, I know for a FACT I was respectful. You are allowed to not like things. "I just can't get into that musician, I just don't enjoy listening to it" is not an LB.

Here is a full, accurate example of the joking:

We went away for my birthday (have I mentioned we get TONS of UA time??)

After a really fun day we had dinner at a nice restaurant. Discussion turned to our (presumably my) infertility. I said that, weirdly, I wasn't too distraught over my body having trouble getting pregnant...that it was helping to think of it the same way I think about being short. I would like to be taller, but, oh well...I am not! His reply:

"I wish you were taller too!!"

I told him that his mean joke in reply to my opening up to him about something (conversation is an unmet need of mine, I am a little desperate about it) made me feel like shutting down and not talking etc. He replied that he was joking and that I know he likes me small (he does, I do know this) and I told him that if he needed to make a joke in that moment (because he doesn't like serious conversations) that he could have said "good thing you aren't tall or I wouldn't like it!" or something that was a NICE joke instead of a MEAN joke. He said that it wouldn't be a joke because it's true.

He was genuinely remorseful and bummed that his words had a negative effect on me.

I think my feeling LBed all the time and letting my husband know (however respectfully and gently) is taking it's toll and my H is getting depressed and withdrawn. All our lovely UA time is marred by LBs. He just seems so shut down that he can't do anything right Despite hours and hours of UA my intimate needs are not being met.

In all fairness, a crappy episode yesterday revealed to me that I am not doing as well as I thought in avoiding LBs. I figured this out when he blew up about something simple and I backtracked to figure out that I had done quite a bit of LBing. I am a pretty assertive, aggressive person and it is easy for me to slip into LBs (disrespectful judgements, mostly) AOs are a hard one, but You KNOW you've done it. (and I am getting really good at feeling it start which is key!) but those DJs sneak up on me...

And yes, I know he should not AO. (Remember I am a master DJer, I always know what my H does wrong) He did really well and just left the house when he got frustrated, but not before saying "I hate it here" a few times When he came home and apologized it did not escalate and we didn't fight but I did say "you are responsible for calmly pointing out my LBs to me and talking to me when you are getting frustrated with me." Hopefully there is no LB lurking there...

My husband has so many bad habits that are LBs that I have thought of this many times. I don't think it follows the MB program though...I also don't want to cultivate meanness. I already have enough trouble with LBs.

This is pretty funny. Sorry.

I suspect that your H is uncomfortable w/ serious/emotional talk so he tries to lighten it up by joking around.

I don't think this was a mean joke.

Maybe you could ask him if you could have just 10 mins. of serious talk and then you could just be lighthearted the rest of the evening.

I didn't suggest that you do it b/c you wanted to hurt him, I suggested you do it so that he might understand how not all jokes are funny.

But, now that I read your last post I don't think that suggestion is what is needed.

What about having your H listen to this radio clip from Dr. Harely?

Yes, I agree completely. I should have given an accurate example from the beginning and avoided the "bullying" connotation.

What I typed was the extent of that conversation. This dinner was after 10 hours of recreational companionship and I changed the subject after the joke. In our two years of UA time I definitely have not talked for 10 minutes about any of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, hobbies or interests, except during serious talks about our relationship or our child. H is very serious and thoughtful about our child and wants to have a lot of serious talks about him. I am very shut down in the conversation department and I actually try to think of topics to talk about ahead of time etc. He usually teases me about it and I usually change the topic after that.

My H does prefer light-hearted conversation, but only about topics that interest him. We also have a lot of serious conversations about problems he is dealing with. I know every detail about his life, what he listened to, who he talked to and who that person reminded him of, how he felt, how hungry he got, what he ate, the intricacies of his golf game (several holes, which club he used how his new clubs feel) What book he is reading (I have had luck reading the same books as him so we can talk about that!)

In all fairness, he isn't MORE interested in anyone elses life and if I didn't ask a lot of questions and show interest he would NOT drone on about himself...but I try to keep the conversation going because it seems like a waste of UA time to be silent in the car and at dinner. Plus, if I don't talk he asks me what's wrong which is a fair question because I always do my part and ask tons of questions etc. We often do sit in silence during long drives because I run out of stuff to ask him. We both like silence in the car, so he is way cool with that. I've tried not talking at dinner but it feels like I am being passive agressive.

He was quite shocked when we got thru the conversation lesson in our home study course and I scored him 1 out of 10 in meeting the need. When we reviewed it he was shocked that he had actually done worse than usual that week (I was trying to open up so when he made fun of a TV show I like I decided to forgo defensiveness and was upbeat and calm in telling him what I like about it. He responded with "oh, don't act like watching that show is edifying" which is an unusually judgmental response from him. )

He has great social graces...he is polite, makes small talk etc. Also, he is meeting my need for O&H 100%.

We are very compatible: I don't like to talk about my problems as much as I like to probe and get to know people. I read all the threads here but post rarely! But it gets really boring to talk to someone for 40 hours a week and never talk about yourself or the things you are interested in! (We spend a lot of time together with our self-sufficient child so even our non UA time has lots of conversation, we also talk on the phone several times a day)

Like I said, I have a huge problem with DJs. I feel like if he loved me he would want to know my thoughts and fears and feelings. I know that it doesn't work that way. Also, I am starting to find him terribly boring.

This was just not a problem before UA time. We have always spent most of our time together but hung out with friends and family so I had more people to talk to. I really don't enjoy our UA time at all and I think I am over critical and sensitive about it and I am nit-picking him. I am excited to go out tonight because we are going out with another couple-yay! We got 4 hours UA yesterday and will get 4 hours tomorrow.

Also, I don't really like the mean jokes I have an unmet need for affection and I have sometimes teased him "now say 3 nice things about me!" after a joke. If I get too serious after one of his jokes it defeats the purpose of his joke and ruins the mood.

In all seriousness, him saying "I wish you were taller" is HIS way of saying "I like that you are short" (no, I am not joking) but it just doesn't do it for me

I think I need to work on eliminating LBs that have crept in and doing my best to meet needs (really hard right now) and after a couple of weeks I will suggest phone counseling. I just don't feel like he can take me telling a stranger that my husband isn't doing a good job I really wish we could take care of this ourselves.

Sorry this is so long

Good idea. I feel worried about how he would respond to that...

Why are you worried? It's all in how you bring it up.

Does he know about MB? "I would love if you would listen to this radio clip with me from Dr. Harley. What do you think?"

Here are some good radio clips on how to get a spouse on board with Marrige Builders.

Radio clip on getting a spouse on board with Marriage Builders
Segment #2