Hello Everyone,
I want to share my story in hopes of receiving wisdom on this journey to becoming a better me and dealing with the issues in my marriage. Well, here's my story:

My husband and I courted for about 1.5 years. We knew of each other from childhood because my family and I used to attend his dad's church. We started out as friends first and then we decided to venture into a relationship. There were warning signs before we said "I do," but I fell for this is God's will, and it will work out . (silly me to say the least).

Honestly, I don't know where to begin so I will just dive straight in to what makes me question my husband's love and the survival of this marriage. I am considering separation if things don't get better in hopes it will help him realize that I will not put up with emotional abuse.

I will acknowledge my part upfront.
1. I nag: Yes, he does the same things that bother me almost every day: primarily he places his music hobby before his marriage and son. We are a blended family, and our son is his biological child.
2. I have a hard time letting things go even when he manages a "weak" apology because I know it's extremely insincere by his tone and actions that quickly follow.
3. I can be frigid sometimes during intimacy. (pretty sure besides my inexperience(married as virgin), I don't feel emotionally safe in this marriage. I don't feel like I'm sleeping with my knight and shining armor. It feels like I'm sleeping with the enemy (the type of man I avoided on purpose as a single woman).
Well these are the top three I do believe based on what he says and I understand as a wife. Now here goes to incidents that truly says to me, your husband doesn't love you, move on:

1. Our first year of marriage, first mother's day, my husband did not encourage our son to celebrate me on Mother's day. He didn't help him make a card, buy a card or anything. Mine you, our son lives with us full time because his birth mom was on drugs and the state took all of her children. So I am a fulltime mom to my son in every sense of the word. Now that was bad especially for me, I have a strong mothering spirit, love kids period, and this was just so unbelievable......but it gets worst way worst. After church and coming to his parents house with my mom. Our son had also decided that he didn't want to make me anything in Sunday school for Mother's day. At this time, his birthmom had just moved to the same state/city as us, and I believe our son was wrestling with loyalty issues between his birth mom and I which is normal and his father should have walked him through that. Mine you, I made sure our son had got something for his birth mom, grand moms, etc. Well sitting on the sofa with my mother, our son walks over (age 8) and PUNCHES me in the back hard. It was like he was "demon possessed.' Stunned to say the least. My husband was in the next room talking with his father. both he and his father made light of the situation saying he didn't mean to. My husband did not give our son any type of punishment. So we argued about it, went to 1 day counseling, and separated for 3 days and then he moved back in but it wasn't really resolved. Throughout the years, I've look for him to realize how wrong that was. He's said I'm sorry, but I've yet to feel like he knows how much he dishonored me in front of our son and his family

2. YEAR 2: He still didn't acknowledge me on Mother's day by taking my son to buy a card or flower, etc. My son did make a card at school that he gave me:) I shared my disappointed yet again. Year 3, he did acknowlege by buying flowers but his heart wasn't all the way in it as revealed in a later disagreement.

3. Earlier this year, I had a sensation in my arm as if I was having a heart attack. I shared it with husband and asked him to take me to the emergency room. He stated it cost so much, and he went around taking me. So I asked could he at least take me to WAlmart to check my blood pressure, he said that he didn't want to. I begged him for about 25 minutes and threatened to call my mom to take me if he didn't. He finally took me, and my blood pressure was off the roof. I went to the doctor next day, and there showed some sign of possible heart irregularity. The man showed no concern, compassion during nor after this situation. Just a couple days ago, I had a real bad cold, and he was indifferent to me, and acted like he didn't want to make me tea, etc. Nothing has changed. No love and care is the conclusion I'm drawing.

In conclusion, I could cite more but these are the main things that concern me. I think my husband is narcisstic, and obviously doesn't care for me. I am seriously considering separating because I don't want to end up pregnant for a guy like this. I believe children deserve better.

Okay, I guess it's only fair to leave good qualities too. He likes to help churches with music and doesn't charge. He loves to please our son. He loves to help his mother and father. He is the full time provider, and I have the flexibility to work from home and substitute teach.

Please share any wisdom and feedback. Am I crazy to feel that he doesn't love me or is it obvious? I tried the be nice and he would realize how good I am, but it didn't work. Now I realize I have to take care of me before I end up extremely sick from all the stress.

Blessings to all and may your marriage prosper!!!

Have you read any books by Dr Harley?

Here is a Radio Clip about a blended family you may find of interest:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04118

Not yet, which one do you suggest I begin with?

Hi, I did listen to the tape and thanks for sharing. I must say that other than that particular incident with my stepson which happened about 3.5 yrs ago, I haven't had a major crisis involving discipline. Is it perfect? No, but very manageable. My husband allows me to discipline our son because I am mainly around him. Overall, our son is well behaved, an A/B student. thanks to God! My major concern is my husband doesn't make me the priority as his wife in terms of his music, son, and parents.

I do have a good relationship with my stepson. Even if I have to leave my spouse, I would still be there for my stepson.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this?
How to create your own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love in your Marriage

Also please read this.
The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Is it normal that your H shows lack of concern for your health?

Also do you have the book Love Busters?

Thanks, I read it and will share it with my husband. He usually will participate in things but a lot of time his heart isn't involved, and as a result, he doesn't really follow through. So I will see what happens.

[/quote]
Is it normal that your H shows lack of concern for your health?

Also do you have the book Love Busters?
[/quote]

I am rarely sick, but the few times I have been during our marriage and that major incident with the blood pressure and my heart, he has always responded showing a lack of concern and compassion. I never was sick during our 1.5 year engagement period so I can't pull from that experience.

No, I don't have the book Love busters. So I will look into getting that one. I've read about it online and totally see how it relates to us. Thanks for the feedback.

Hi Everyone,

I just read a letter and Dr. H's response to a woman in a very similar situation to mine. I innately had these same plans in mind. I am now preparing for if I had to leave financially by getting a job, lining up a roommate, etc. It appears my steps should be as follow.
1. Suggest my husband and I take the emotional needs test
2. Do the his/her needs book and/or CD
Hopefully this gets us on the straight and narrow.

However if this doesnt work, 30 days of Plan A (unconditional love) once I am prepared financially to do Plan B (which I'm already working on).

I know people go through hellish marriages for 20 plus years. This is just not my style. I believe in living life to the fullest. I've seen people pray and fast for their husbands to change and 10 years down the road, it's the same thing. This is why I'm determined to deal with this negative cycle early on in hopes that my husband will make the choice to love me as Christ loved the church with passion . However, I am prepared mentally if He doesn't. Ultimately, it's up to us to decide what we will or will not do, even the creator of the universe, gives us the freedom of choice.

Most of us arrived here looking for help in changing our spouses only to discover that this is not the MB way. Actually it never works under any 'way' because who wants to be changed?

What MB says is that we have to change ourselves. By doing that we alter the dynamic so that the entire relationship changes. No hoping or praying, just actions (and Dr Harley is a religious man).

Best of luck and you are in the right place. If it does not work, you will know that you did everything humanly possible.

[Most of us arrived here looking for help in changing our spouses only to discover that this is not the MB way. Actually it never works under any 'way' because who wants to be changed?

What MB says is that we have to change ourselves. By doing that we alter the dynamic so that the entire relationship changes. No hoping or praying, just actions (and Dr Harley is a religious man).

Best of luck and you are in the right place. If it does not work, you will know that you did everything humanly possible.

[/quote]

Thank you for the encouraging word. It is so true. Love is an action word. You have to do the right things to get the right results.

Update to step 1;
I emailed my husband about reading the article and completing the emotional questionnaire. So on his way home, I asked him about it. He was not too excited. More like, haven't we done this before? (thinking of the 5 love language test). I said, this was another one, and I wanted us to take it. He still seemed hesitate, and then said, how long is it? This isn't going to take longer than 30 minutes is it? I was upset at his response and stated that our marriage is not in the greatest state and if he can spend 4 hours every evening on music after work, he should not put a time limit on something to help his marriage (definitely not less than what he consistently puts into his hobby). So he begrudgely agreed. Should I still do it or just say never mind if he is not motivated to do it? I feel this relationship is so one sided. He just wants a nanny, cook, and housekeeper, and occasional bedmate while he works on what he loves (music). What do I get from all of this? mostly feeling used and not appreciated, and stress.

QUoted for truth. Welcome to Marriage Builders!

All the concepts here are actually VERY basic, just difficult sometimes to reprogram ourselves from our individual upbringings. Love is almost just a math question. Time + Emotional needs met - Love busters = Romantic love!

You can technically fall in love with ANYONE if you use the right equasion variables. Like algebra! :p

MNG

Well .. since your the one that is here.. your going ot have to find a way to "sell" it to him. A way that allows him to see the benefits of the program and how its working to change YOU. Once he sees changes in you in a much more positive light (hopefully your not moping around with a negative undertone all the time because that will not help any). it may create some interest.

Have you snooped to see if there was anyone else in the picture? Have you read about Plan A? I suggest you get a copy of the book His needs Her Needs and read it out loud together whele your sitting in bed together on the weekend mornings. In my case my wife loved to read and she was hesitant at first about the book .. but it sold itself as we read it.. my wife would be like "Yes ... see .. its not all me" .. etc .. and we had many many great discussions as we read the book and and it was like seeing light bulbs come on one page at a time. The book is really great at putting everything into practical every day examples to empathize with.

MNG

Read all of these.
Can one spouse save a marriage? #1

Also ..If you are using an approach that is coming from an attitude that your trying to educate him (or if he even precieves it that way).. your setting yourself up for failure.

Brainhurts, thanks for the info. Mr. Niceguy thanks for the encouragement and advice on how to approach the subject with my spouse. Well, my husband and I read the plan and completed the emotional questionnaire. The questionnaire was really awesome. I like the layout and how it hits significant areas. I believe It was a successful start. We went over all the areas, and concluded with knowing each others most important needs to put into action. I do appreciate that I can get him to participate but implementation for the long haul has been a problem in the past. I am more hopeful though. Reading the book together is a great idea. I plan to get the book and the dvd I saw online. Thanks so much for all the wonderful feedback.

Have you snooped to see if there was anyone else in the picture?

MNG [/quote]

No, I haven't. I don't believe he is. I have access to everything but his work email. Should I ask for the password? It is our policy to have all passwords info. I just never ask for that one.

If there is any possibility of an affair I would not ask for the password.
The reason why is I think he would just delete anything if he was having an affair.

Thanks for the feedback, and honestly I dont think he's had/having an affair. So unless he does something way out of the ordinary, I don't see a need to speculate.

My next move is to get the dvd and/or book His Needs/Her Needs. I am going to also chill for a moment and focus on getting in topnotch health. We also are viewing a tape called "Sacred Marriage." I feel that throughout our 3.5 year marriage, we've had a lot of great resources but to no avail. At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to apply the skills he and she has learned. My husband and I are both believers. So its very frustrating that his conscious seems nonexistence in wanting to do better than what's been done. Anyways, just on a soapbox, I guess. It is what it is and I pray that in the end God's perfect will be done. I am going to rest in God and work on me getting healthier (losing weight, eating better, building my business).

I will keep you posted on if he makes a move to help the relationship. I think I need to just stop and see if he will begin to feel more compel to up his game in helping the marriage. I hope to break the onesidedness of the relationship.

Happy Growing Day and Blessed Relationships to All!!!!!

Love is almost just a math question. Time + Emotional needs met - Love busters = Romantic love!
MNG [/quote]

beautiful and well said. I always believe life is so much simpler than we make it

Well done deciding to work on 'you'. That is terrific. By the way, Marriage Builders works best when done alone, not with any other programme because it is very structured.


Stop stop stop. You are going to need to rethink this strategy. You are still trying to change HIM. This is never going to work. You want him to spend more time with you? Make that a more attractive option than his music. Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement and negotiate like mad. Can you find a way to get involved in his hobbies? How were things when you were dating? Reach back to that time and you will find the silver key.

Thanks Livingwell so much for the positive and informative feedback. Yes, I have to be careful not to slide back into the habit of trying to change him. I will focus on me and doing what's best for me.

May your relationships be enriched greatly!!!! Don't take any for granted!!!

Getting in health is a great idea.
It feels so good to be healthy.
I love to exercise and feel good.
You will feel better too

Hi Godsdaughter.

It sounds like you're on your way. Good for you!

While I agree you can't "change him" one of the things MB has taught me is that you should settle for nothing less than a GREAT marriage - no love busters from him and your emotional needs met. It doesn't sound like he's been meeting your ENs from what your original post said, and I'm glad you're doing the questionnaire. You can - and should - expect a relationship of extraordinary care (as Dr. Harley says on the radio nearly every day).

I'm hoping he will get on board and decide that this time (this is his 2nd go-around, yes?) he will become a caring husband. Dr. Harley says that much depends upon the man - husbands sometimes have a harder time seeing their wives' needs as important. Time will tell, and you're the best judge of whether his changes are real.

Good luck! I'll be cheering for you!

Absolutely Jedi! I've got to do this for me. The depression since I said "I do" took a very negative toll on me. My unhappiness literally showed up in 30 pounds extra. Thanks:)

Zhamila, thanks and these encouraging words were right on time! Yes, I totally agree that I deserve better, and I refuse to settle any longer for less. I'm not expecting perfection, but I do expect him to put forth his best effort! This is both of our 1st marriage, but he had a child in his early twenties. Again, thanks for the encouraging words, I definitely needed to hear them.

Happy, Fruitful Relationships to All!!!

Hello everyone,

I've been focusing on taking better care of me, and I've already started losing weight with a few lifestyle changes like (not eating meals after 7p.m.). As far as my marriage, it seems my husband is making a little more effort than before but it's definitely no where the intensity needed for a great marriage. Last night was a setback, I asked him to review the marriage builder info about our most important needs and undivided attention policy. He asked could we start at 10 p.m. because he was working on music. Mind you, he had time to himself from 6:30-8:45pm when our son and I returned home from my neice's recital. He didn't come down until 10:40p.m. Then as time progressed he had this attitude of wanting to rush through because he has to go to bed. I said to him, didn't you know this before you decided to come down so late in the first place. Why do you think it's right to put your best energy in music first and leave the leftovers for your marriage. We went to bed and I expressed that he had hurt my feelings. He gave an I'm sorry that carried 0 weight (without true conviction.) I slept in another room.

He verbally agreed to do the 15 hours of undivided attention. I know we propbably should start with 20plus, but it seems a challenge to do just the 15. If anyone has done or is doing this, what did your plan flow look like. Here's our plan:
Monday-Friday
from 5:30am-5p.m. (Getting Ready, Work and getting home from work)
5p.m.-5:30pm. His Unwinding time
5:30p.m.-6:30 p.m. Family Time & Dinner
6:30p.m.-8:30p.m. Couple Time
8:30p.m.-10p.m. Free Time (business, hobbies, bathing, etc)

Saturday
3 hours for couple Time

Sunday
2 hours for couple time

Update: I've ordered the book, LOVEBUSTERS, and looking forward to receiving it and to start reading and applying. We also have identify each others #1 emotional needs.

thanks in advance for the wisdom and feedback! Happy Productive, loving relationships to all!

GodsDaughter,

I think you'll do well with the LoveBusters book. One recommendation I would give to you would be to control your responses to his actions. Instead of pointing out what he did wrong it's best just to communicate your pain without trying to educate him. In your example where he left time for him (music) and not you (MB materials). It would probably prove helpful in your marriage if you simply respond with "Ouch. I'm hurt that our marriage and I do not get a lot of your time". Let him know your pain but let him know he'll be the one making the choice to change.

When you do communicate state what you'd like specifically. And try to do this with a positive tone. Not reprimanding but thoughtful requests. �I would love it if we could spend 2 hours each night during the week where we do something together that we both enjoy. I would also love it if we could spend at least 4 hours or more each weekend day doing something together that we both enjoy.�.

Don't make him choose between the music and you. Let him make that choice when he sees the benefit in doing so. Or at least get him to help you brainstorm solutions. POJA.

Great on the steps to improve you!

I'd also agree that the way you went about telling him you were unhappy was full of DJ's. Like Mr. Alias said just tell him simply how it hurt your feelings. The book Lovebusters will be a big help for you learning how to do this and recognizing them.

It is very promising that you both were able to work out a UA schedule! Keep it up!

Thank you. I know this is an area for me to work on and I've been focusing on how to present my needs in a nonjudgemental way and letting it go. I truly appreciate the wisdom.

Thank you for the encouragement! Yep, I definitely have a bad habit of DJs. I received the book today, and already started reading. I believe the Love buster book will help us out tremendously.

Five Steps to Romantic Love is really good also. It has worksheets and questionnaires to help.

thanks. We just finished chapter 1, and we had a good discussion.

I am praying for clarity in my marriage relationship. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to reconcile with my spouse fully. Some memories he gave me has left me not trusting his ability/willingness to love and protect me as I believe a spouse should. It seems I try to get over him "not wholeheartedly disciplining our son when he hit me over 4 years ago," or having to beg him to take me to get my blood pressure check when I thought I may be having a heart attack.

We are reading Lovebusters, and just completed chapter 1. We had a good discussion. The thing is my husband will usually do programs, counseling, etc, but it usually doesn't help for long (if you know what I mean). So apart of me wonders deep down if I should count my losses, thank God I haven't procreated with him, and get going before mediocre/bad turns to bad/worst.

It's not that I don't love my husband. I do love my husband, but I love me too and my unborn child. I had a rough childhood with a neglectful mother and absent father, I don't want to bring a child into a "bad" marriage. To me, it's just not right if I have ways to prevent myself from becoming pregnant in the first place.

In my dreams, I dream of a strong, loving, godly marriage that could be a light and inspiration to others. but in reality, I feel I married a self-loving jerk and even if he changes, I haven't seen enough remorse about previous bad behavior to feel safe to love and grow in this marriage.

I feel "kind of down" and lost right now. I just want to know what's best for me to do and do so. Sometimes, people hurt you so bad that even though they may be totally sorry for what they've done, you don't feel safe enough to continue the relationship.

You are still unable to get over these old incidents because there have not been enough new good memories to override them.



As you have been told here many time, Plan Dream will not get you anywhere. You need Plan Action.


The reason you feel stuck is because you are. You are still lovebusting and trying to change him. How has that worked for you so far?



Either leave the marriage or start working on it. You are in the right place, the roadmap is here.

Why don't you feel safe? Is that his fault or your fault? Dr. Harley doesn't like focusing on the past. It keeps us stuck.

An apology has two parts.
1). Say you are sorry.
2). Communicate the plan to ensure the hurt is never done again.

It's possible the "I'm sorry"s will never come ... but so long as the current plan of actions and future actions show he's changed you should start to feel safe.

Thanks MrAlias for the insight. I read it quite a while back. I just wanted to update that we read about half of the Lovebuster book so far. My husband seems to like the flow and insight. However, his lack of sincerity in his apologies and how he addresses my emotional needs is too much for me to bear. Regretfully, I now know I must move on and forward. I believe God is giving me forgiveness in my heart for the many times I've been mistreated. I did all I could but cant (nor do I want to) make someone love me. My spouse has shown me time and time again that he will not make me or our marriage priority. I finally believe him. Will not be second to any othe person (that goes for parents and child). Thus, will move forward in protecting myself from further emotional harm.

I am thankful for the wonderful forum here that gave me strategy and tools to use to develop healthy relationships or to end bad ones. Thank you

So are you going to file for divorce?

Any thoughts of doing a Plan B? Or are you going straight to Plan D?



Is this something you've discussed with him? What are his responses when you are radically honest with him about his behaviors?

Mr. Alias, could you please explain plan b and also share the link. I searched for it once and couldn't find it.

Yes, Mr. Alias, I was radically honest about how I feel our marriage is not number one, and I would not put up with being anything less than that. He seems to deny that he's neglecting our marriage or just say he's working on improving the marriage as if he expects me to accept being number 10 why he drags his feet about making "Us a priority.

I simply think my spouse is "narcissistic." He has not only been neglectful to me in the marriage, but also to our son in many ways. His first love has been "his music." So after discussing both situations with him, and I do believe his mom said something to him in regards to our son, he has a new plan now. Still his music #1, but he is improving in being more involved with our son, but he continues to neglect the marriage and check this out, and he tries to overindulge our son and disrespects me in the process.

Honestly, it's a point in a women's heart, where she says, you know what, enough is enough. I've only been married 3.5 years and I could write a book about the emotional abuse that I took in our blended family.

I know a lot was just said. Thanks so much for listening and the help along the way.

No, my next step is separation. Unless I discover now or later that he has committed adultery, I wouldn't file for divorce. As it stands now, my desire is to be free from the emotional abuse and be in a healthier environment.

This will help you with the separation.
How to Plan B Correctly

Also, have you thought about emailing the Harleys?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Thanks BH. I could only find a link under Notable Posts for Plan B as it relates to a wayward.

GD, It is often hard to grasp context sometimes when reading threads of other posters. I certainly empathize with you. It is a horrible feeling to live in a hurtful M.

You may have a long road to hoe in trying to change the dynamics of your M if your H exhibits self indulgent behavior. But it can be done.

While you can continue to study and make attempts you may continue to struggle. Here is a link that gives an overview of what you can do on your own. Dr Harley�s books do a more thorough job of explaining these concepts. �Fall in Love Stay In Love� may be a helpful book for you.

How One Spouse Can Lead the other Back to Intimacy

I often find your best option is to talk to one of the Harleys. They�ve experienced so many of these marital situations. They always have a very sound, workable solution to each and every marital problem. Yours is no exception.

Have you considered the phone counseling? Dr Chalmers (Dr Harley�s daughter) or his son Steve are both excellent counselors. My W and I did phone counseling with Dr. Chalmers. She was great and helped us get back on track.

Even if your H doesn't want to go it will be helpful to you.

Here is another link that may help give you some hope regarding your H's behaviors. He can change ... you just need to find the key that helps him want to.

Instincts and Habits

The Harleys will help you find that key.

Can you explain how these two tie? He disrespects you because he's spending time with your son (which is something you wanted).

I have no doubt you are hurting and I'm sure enough is enough. All I would ask is that you try to understand that you and your H were running your M without a mutual plan. It has been mentioned recently ... MB is a solid plan, a recipe if you will, but it is a recipe that has to be executed as documented and in its entirety in order for it to work. Each part of Dr Harley's plan is there for a reason.

If you were to walk away from this M wouldn�t you like to say you implemented a very solid, workable solution to the M issues? What you will learn from the Harleys are things you will take with you, assuming this M will end.

The Harleys will help your H understand what is in it for him to participate in its policies and if you were to sign up, for say the online counseling, he�d be held accountable for his part.

Do you and your H understand the Policy of Joint Agreement and try to follow it? Do you either of you know how to negotiate in your M?

Sorry for the confusion. Here's a simple example:
We have set up rules for our son. Here are real life simple examples:
Example: We agree on a bedtime of 10:30a.m.

Come home and son still up at 12am.

Me to the husband: Why is son still up pass bed time?

Husband: I just let him stay up. (So no respect for what we agreed on at all. More concern about pleasing our son)

Me to the husband: okay (and nothing more b/c I realize he's trying to undermine me and I'm just letting it go) He will reap the fruits of doing so)

Example #2:
Background I told son to wash the dishes.(Came home ,no dishes wash)

Me to my husband: Why didn't our DS wash the dishes?

Husband: Oh, I didn't tell him. I just said to myself, I'll do it in the morning.

Me to my husband: Well, I told our DS to wash the dishes, and he's old enough to know and remember his chores.

Husband (with attitude) and changing the emphasis to me versus reminding our son of being responsible

Husband to[b] me:[/b] You should have let me know (mind you, we already have agreement about our son having chores (washing dishes) and our son being responsible to remember it or losing his behavior bucks)

Overall, my husband may agree with me in private that we should discipline our son if he does something wrong in school for example. However, when it comes time to deliver, he changes his mind on the spot and turns against me in the process of us "supposedly" giving the consequences right in front of our son.

GD,

And here is where the POJA is so key in your M. It is obvious he agrees because he knows it pleases you and probably knows it is the right thing to do but he obviously isn't enthusiastic about having to be the guy to hold the line with your son.

I agree your H isn't showing you the respect you expect based on your agreement. But I do not believe in any way shape or form he is doing it to undermine you or intentionally disrespect you.

Your response should be to discuss the POJA not in an accusatory way. "We agreed to do this. But you did something different. I'm thinking our agreement isn't working for you. Can you help me to come to a better agreement? One that you would be enthusiastic about following.�

End of the day if he says the agreement is fine then you need to figure out what the consequences are for him not following the agreement. But I would definitely lose the idea that he is purposely trying to disrespect you. That isn�t human nature. More so it is he doesn�t see the benefit to him in following the agreement.

Does your H know and understand what POJA is? Have you discussed this concept with him?

So right Mr A! POJA does not come naturally to any of us.

Well, at least for those of us that don�t have both a healthy Giver and a healthy Taker. Which is about 99% of the population �. Just a rough figure I�m tossing out there � I have no stats to validate this.

Well at least I'm one of the crowd :-)

Yes, we were both introduced to the POJA in the book Lovebusters. However, he has a tendency to not practice new tools long enough to become a part of his behavior. I guess he's not motivated too.
However, I hold him responsible to keep his word and to be honest. He knows how I feel about this and I take "my word" seriously. To me, it shows a lack of character to "say one thing" and do the other.

Are you motivated? Do you want things to get better? Then I suggest you take the bull by the horns and implement the concepts here and be the one to ensure you continue down the MB path.

I want you to experience what I experience in you. This isn't a criticism. Just an observation of something that may seem foreign to you.

You are frustrated with your H. It comes out in your criticisms of him. In our posts we�re trying to direct you to what you can do to improve your situation and you then turn to point the finger at him. He�s not here. We can�t help him change. But we can certainly help you change the dynamics of your M. Just keep in mind how you have to change to improve things may be extremely foreign to you seeing you have learned behaviors that feel normal to you. You have to be open to seeing these and trying new things. If you continue to point the finger at him we�ll get nowhere.

The fact he isn�t �into� POJA isn�t the problem. The problem is no one is stepping up and being the leader in ensuring what you�ve learned or are trying to learn is continued in your M. You�re here. We�re asking you to step up.

Mr. Alias, no offense taken. I do appreciate the help that's been given to me. At this point, I am not not motivated to invest more in the relationship due to the continual onesidedness that I've endured. Someone asked the question about the POJA so I just shared the answered.

Honestly, I am more in the preparation to move forward phase.

Well certainly moving forward is one of your options. For whatever reason ( God�s plan or not) you ended up on this forum and the one thing we as posters all try to educate those looking for help is that this program works. If you implement it, the entire program. The trouble is you�re withdrawn and you�ve been the one educating your H. That�s a recipe for disaster. You�ve made attempts to implement some parts because you and him read a portion of Dr. Harley�s books. But that was just one very small piece. For the rest of the pieces you�ve tried to implement you�ve been his coach or teacher. And even that didn�t cover all the areas of the program.

I�m sure that isn�t easy to swallow. Trust me I know how that feels. I had to eat crow big time because I was fed that same line but some great people here who I just didn�t want to listen to � because I had HAD ENOUGH. I had to eat crow because they were right.

So, while I agree, if you haven�t the strength to continue I don�t begrudge you. However, I wouldn�t agree that you�ve tried everything and that God is trying to sell you that. You have tried this program. You did as I did for over 10 years which was try to implement bits and pieces and almost all of it on your own.

For 10 years I came here to this forum seeking advice and trying to implement what was taught to me. In those 10 years I never bought a book by Dr Harley (after all her and I read the 5 love languages� what more would we need ?). I never asked my W to read any of his books. We never got any help from an MB counselor. And in 10 years little bits changed but I was still very unhappy and end up extremely withdrawn from my W. Her and I just weren�t clicking. My #1 EN always ended up as her last priority. I felt extremely hurt and time was wasting away.

Then as a last stitch effort (because I was tired of trying to coast until the children had moved on) I asked my W if she�d join me in MB counseling and that I feared we weren�t going to last much longer. She agreed. And everything changed from there �.

That could be you.

In doing the counseling you will both learn HOW TO IMPLEMENT THIS PROGRAM IN ITS ENTIRETY. Your H will be held accountable so long as he continues to show up.

I encourage to reconsider moving on and instead ask you to move forward by getting both of you doing this program. If he won�t go the counselors are really good at getting reluctant spouses on board. You could start by having session by yourself. Once your H participates they will expose your H to the two kinds of resentment, expose him to what care and protection of the marriage really means (which are things he needs to understand BIG TIME).

In the meantime if he continues with his poor behaviors they could help you with a Plan B which can work even if there is no infidelity.