Hello Everyone,
I want to share my story in hopes of receiving wisdom on this journey to becoming a better me and dealing with the issues in my marriage. Well, here's my story:

My husband and I courted for about 1.5 years. We knew of each other from childhood because my family and I used to attend his dad's church. We started out as friends first and then we decided to venture into a relationship. There were warning signs before we said "I do," but I fell for this is God's will, and it will work out . (silly me to say the least).

Honestly, I don't know where to begin so I will just dive straight in to what makes me question my husband's love and the survival of this marriage. I am considering separation if things don't get better in hopes it will help him realize that I will not put up with emotional abuse.

I will acknowledge my part upfront.
1. I nag: Yes, he does the same things that bother me almost every day: primarily he places his music hobby before his marriage and son. We are a blended family, and our son is his biological child.
2. I have a hard time letting things go even when he manages a "weak" apology because I know it's extremely insincere by his tone and actions that quickly follow.
3. I can be frigid sometimes during intimacy. (pretty sure besides my inexperience(married as virgin), I don't feel emotionally safe in this marriage. I don't feel like I'm sleeping with my knight and shining armor. It feels like I'm sleeping with the enemy (the type of man I avoided on purpose as a single woman).
Well these are the top three I do believe based on what he says and I understand as a wife. Now here goes to incidents that truly says to me, your husband doesn't love you, move on:

1. Our first year of marriage, first mother's day, my husband did not encourage our son to celebrate me on Mother's day. He didn't help him make a card, buy a card or anything. Mine you, our son lives with us full time because his birth mom was on drugs and the state took all of her children. So I am a fulltime mom to my son in every sense of the word. Now that was bad especially for me, I have a strong mothering spirit, love kids period, and this was just so unbelievable......but it gets worst way worst. After church and coming to his parents house with my mom. Our son had also decided that he didn't want to make me anything in Sunday school for Mother's day. At this time, his birthmom had just moved to the same state/city as us, and I believe our son was wrestling with loyalty issues between his birth mom and I which is normal and his father should have walked him through that. Mine you, I made sure our son had got something for his birth mom, grand moms, etc. Well sitting on the sofa with my mother, our son walks over (age 8) and PUNCHES me in the back hard. It was like he was "demon possessed.' Stunned to say the least. My husband was in the next room talking with his father. both he and his father made light of the situation saying he didn't mean to. My husband did not give our son any type of punishment. So we argued about it, went to 1 day counseling, and separated for 3 days and then he moved back in but it wasn't really resolved. Throughout the years, I've look for him to realize how wrong that was. He's said I'm sorry, but I've yet to feel like he knows how much he dishonored me in front of our son and his family

2. YEAR 2: He still didn't acknowledge me on Mother's day by taking my son to buy a card or flower, etc. My son did make a card at school that he gave me:) I shared my disappointed yet again. Year 3, he did acknowlege by buying flowers but his heart wasn't all the way in it as revealed in a later disagreement.

3. Earlier this year, I had a sensation in my arm as if I was having a heart attack. I shared it with husband and asked him to take me to the emergency room. He stated it cost so much, and he went around taking me. So I asked could he at least take me to WAlmart to check my blood pressure, he said that he didn't want to. I begged him for about 25 minutes and threatened to call my mom to take me if he didn't. He finally took me, and my blood pressure was off the roof. I went to the doctor next day, and there showed some sign of possible heart irregularity. The man showed no concern, compassion during nor after this situation. Just a couple days ago, I had a real bad cold, and he was indifferent to me, and acted like he didn't want to make me tea, etc. Nothing has changed. No love and care is the conclusion I'm drawing.

In conclusion, I could cite more but these are the main things that concern me. I think my husband is narcisstic, and obviously doesn't care for me. I am seriously considering separating because I don't want to end up pregnant for a guy like this. I believe children deserve better.

Okay, I guess it's only fair to leave good qualities too. He likes to help churches with music and doesn't charge. He loves to please our son. He loves to help his mother and father. He is the full time provider, and I have the flexibility to work from home and substitute teach.

Please share any wisdom and feedback. Am I crazy to feel that he doesn't love me or is it obvious? I tried the be nice and he would realize how good I am, but it didn't work. Now I realize I have to take care of me before I end up extremely sick from all the stress.

Blessings to all and may your marriage prosper!!!

Have you read any books by Dr Harley?

Here is a Radio Clip about a blended family you may find of interest:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04118

Not yet, which one do you suggest I begin with?

Hi, I did listen to the tape and thanks for sharing. I must say that other than that particular incident with my stepson which happened about 3.5 yrs ago, I haven't had a major crisis involving discipline. Is it perfect? No, but very manageable. My husband allows me to discipline our son because I am mainly around him. Overall, our son is well behaved, an A/B student. thanks to God! My major concern is my husband doesn't make me the priority as his wife in terms of his music, son, and parents.

I do have a good relationship with my stepson. Even if I have to leave my spouse, I would still be there for my stepson.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this?
How to create your own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love in your Marriage

Also please read this.
The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Is it normal that your H shows lack of concern for your health?

Also do you have the book Love Busters?

Thanks, I read it and will share it with my husband. He usually will participate in things but a lot of time his heart isn't involved, and as a result, he doesn't really follow through. So I will see what happens.

[/quote]
Is it normal that your H shows lack of concern for your health?

Also do you have the book Love Busters?
[/quote]

I am rarely sick, but the few times I have been during our marriage and that major incident with the blood pressure and my heart, he has always responded showing a lack of concern and compassion. I never was sick during our 1.5 year engagement period so I can't pull from that experience.

No, I don't have the book Love busters. So I will look into getting that one. I've read about it online and totally see how it relates to us. Thanks for the feedback.

Hi Everyone,

I just read a letter and Dr. H's response to a woman in a very similar situation to mine. I innately had these same plans in mind. I am now preparing for if I had to leave financially by getting a job, lining up a roommate, etc. It appears my steps should be as follow.
1. Suggest my husband and I take the emotional needs test
2. Do the his/her needs book and/or CD
Hopefully this gets us on the straight and narrow.

However if this doesnt work, 30 days of Plan A (unconditional love) once I am prepared financially to do Plan B (which I'm already working on).

I know people go through hellish marriages for 20 plus years. This is just not my style. I believe in living life to the fullest. I've seen people pray and fast for their husbands to change and 10 years down the road, it's the same thing. This is why I'm determined to deal with this negative cycle early on in hopes that my husband will make the choice to love me as Christ loved the church with passion . However, I am prepared mentally if He doesn't. Ultimately, it's up to us to decide what we will or will not do, even the creator of the universe, gives us the freedom of choice.

Most of us arrived here looking for help in changing our spouses only to discover that this is not the MB way. Actually it never works under any 'way' because who wants to be changed?

What MB says is that we have to change ourselves. By doing that we alter the dynamic so that the entire relationship changes. No hoping or praying, just actions (and Dr Harley is a religious man).

Best of luck and you are in the right place. If it does not work, you will know that you did everything humanly possible.

[Most of us arrived here looking for help in changing our spouses only to discover that this is not the MB way. Actually it never works under any 'way' because who wants to be changed?

What MB says is that we have to change ourselves. By doing that we alter the dynamic so that the entire relationship changes. No hoping or praying, just actions (and Dr Harley is a religious man).

Best of luck and you are in the right place. If it does not work, you will know that you did everything humanly possible.

[/quote]

Thank you for the encouraging word. It is so true. Love is an action word. You have to do the right things to get the right results.

Update to step 1;
I emailed my husband about reading the article and completing the emotional questionnaire. So on his way home, I asked him about it. He was not too excited. More like, haven't we done this before? (thinking of the 5 love language test). I said, this was another one, and I wanted us to take it. He still seemed hesitate, and then said, how long is it? This isn't going to take longer than 30 minutes is it? I was upset at his response and stated that our marriage is not in the greatest state and if he can spend 4 hours every evening on music after work, he should not put a time limit on something to help his marriage (definitely not less than what he consistently puts into his hobby). So he begrudgely agreed. Should I still do it or just say never mind if he is not motivated to do it? I feel this relationship is so one sided. He just wants a nanny, cook, and housekeeper, and occasional bedmate while he works on what he loves (music). What do I get from all of this? mostly feeling used and not appreciated, and stress.

QUoted for truth. Welcome to Marriage Builders!

All the concepts here are actually VERY basic, just difficult sometimes to reprogram ourselves from our individual upbringings. Love is almost just a math question. Time + Emotional needs met - Love busters = Romantic love!

You can technically fall in love with ANYONE if you use the right equasion variables. Like algebra! :p

MNG

Well .. since your the one that is here.. your going ot have to find a way to "sell" it to him. A way that allows him to see the benefits of the program and how its working to change YOU. Once he sees changes in you in a much more positive light (hopefully your not moping around with a negative undertone all the time because that will not help any). it may create some interest.

Have you snooped to see if there was anyone else in the picture? Have you read about Plan A? I suggest you get a copy of the book His needs Her Needs and read it out loud together whele your sitting in bed together on the weekend mornings. In my case my wife loved to read and she was hesitant at first about the book .. but it sold itself as we read it.. my wife would be like "Yes ... see .. its not all me" .. etc .. and we had many many great discussions as we read the book and and it was like seeing light bulbs come on one page at a time. The book is really great at putting everything into practical every day examples to empathize with.

MNG

Read all of these.
Can one spouse save a marriage? #1

Also ..If you are using an approach that is coming from an attitude that your trying to educate him (or if he even precieves it that way).. your setting yourself up for failure.

Brainhurts, thanks for the info. Mr. Niceguy thanks for the encouragement and advice on how to approach the subject with my spouse. Well, my husband and I read the plan and completed the emotional questionnaire. The questionnaire was really awesome. I like the layout and how it hits significant areas. I believe It was a successful start. We went over all the areas, and concluded with knowing each others most important needs to put into action. I do appreciate that I can get him to participate but implementation for the long haul has been a problem in the past. I am more hopeful though. Reading the book together is a great idea. I plan to get the book and the dvd I saw online. Thanks so much for all the wonderful feedback.

Have you snooped to see if there was anyone else in the picture?

MNG [/quote]

No, I haven't. I don't believe he is. I have access to everything but his work email. Should I ask for the password? It is our policy to have all passwords info. I just never ask for that one.

If there is any possibility of an affair I would not ask for the password.
The reason why is I think he would just delete anything if he was having an affair.