Hi Michelle,
Welcome to Marriagebuilders.
It sounds like you will be creating a marriage with a built in issue that neither of you are willing to negotiate on. Here's what Dr. Harley says about picking a spouse:
5. Values. Moral values usually dictate how we behave. The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values that I encourage all married couples to adopt because they create and sustain love. But even when these two important values are agreed to at the time of marriage, conflicts with other moral values can make the creation of a compatible lifestyle very difficult to achieve. Getting back to our Christmas example, it's a cultural difference that makes a spouse unskilled in knowing how to celebrate Christmas. But if you marry an Orthodox Jew, it's more than skill that will be a problem. He will probably be deeply offended by such a celebration. And that offense comes from his moral convictions, not just his cultural background. A discussion of values is always a good idea when on a date, because if you find your values to be very divergent, it will make it difficult for you to agree on a lifestyle that you enthusiastically share.
A question often asked in a compatibility test is "Would you be willing to give up your religion to please your spouse?" It's not really a fair question, because it usually doesn't come to that drastic measure. But the point is important, and I would rephrase the question a little differently. I would ask, "Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up? If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief.
The point in all of this is that wide differences in any of these five characteristics of people make it difficult, but not impossible, to create a compatible lifestyle. When dating, if you try to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement), you will be able to pick up on areas of incompatibility immediately. And if you find yourself fighting a difference in one of these characteristics, it's reasonable to come to the conclusion that it's not worth the effort to try to resolve it. That's when you break up and start in all over again with someone else.
More at:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/choosing-the-right-one-to-marry-2.htmI'm very concerned that (1) your fiance uses anger to get his way on a value you don't share, and (2) you are in sharp disagreement about a value important to both of you that will only grow in importance to you after you are married.
Given the information you have shared about his children, it seems likely that even if the issue is temporarily resolved before your marriage, it will rear its head again in the future when either of the children falls onto a hard (or lazy) time. For this reason it is critical to wait to marry him until you are able to resolve the issue with mutual respect (not anger on his part) to both of your enthusiastic agreement.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-giver-and-taker.htmhttps://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htmMarrying someone who resolves disagreements to his satisfaction by anger is a recipe for a looooong heartache. Ask me how I know.