I found out two days ago that while I was being diagnosed with my second cancer in two years, a very rare and aggressive form of cancer (prognosis not good), my husband, who was (and still is) away on business, was with a former lover - ex-fiance. She is a woman with whom he had a relationship with before he met me. They had been apart for over a year when we met, and interestingly enough, their break up was because she cheated on him...with a married man...while he was away on business.

I found out too that they have also kept an extensive e-mail exchange.

I can't believe the day I received the rough news of more cancer, he was having a good time in foreign cities with another woman, especially a woman who broke his heart.

I'm in shock and my emotions are all over the place...hurt, angry, sad, scared...I just can't believe this! He is still out of town, which is probably good for his safety....

We have had problems before this....with porn - videos, pictures, live web-cams (some totally disgusting and extreme hardcore - even with teens...ugh...), he had signed up with a few "sex dates" websites, which he claims someone hacked his computer at work and created to make trouble for him, and repeated cases of dishonesty. At this point I have completely lost all trust and all faith in him and our marriage. I'm stuck though, because of my health problems - I need the insurance and at this point I cannot support myself financially.

We've only been married sixteen months. I feel like I've been duped. I don't think I really knew the man I married.

How can I deal with health problems, money problems (we just had a tenant destroy a rental property and default on the lease - we need that rent money to meet our needs since I am unable to work because of my health issues - the damages are in the 15K range and still rising), and this infidelity too? I'm at a complete loss here - I feel like I'm dying in more ways than one.

I have never in my entire life, even living with cancer, surgeries, chemo...and all, felt such horrible pain. And the knowledge it was inflicted by someone who says he loves me and is supposed to be my life partner is making me feel crazy. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. All I do know, is I can't believe a single thing he says and I'm wondering if I'm hurt beyond healing. I don't want to die broken-hearted.

I'm hoping someone will chime in here...I'm going crazy!

Perhaps a specific question...

I have the e-mail addresses of the other woman and I know of all of her professional affiliations. I can also post on her Facebook page.

My question: Do I contact her and tell her to LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE!!!!????

If so, how do I word it?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, CAWife.

I am a Moderator here. I would suggest that we move your thread to the General Questions II forum (under Infidelity). You'll get more responses there.

I can move it for you, just say the word.

Thank you Choctow...any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for your help

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm so glad you have found us. You say you have been married only 16 months. It sounds like he has major problems. Was there no sign of these before you married?

As far as the cancer, it sounds like you need his insurance and can't work, so that puts you at a disadvantage. Do you live in the US? Can you qualify for social security disability?

Thank you, Believer, for responding.

No, there were NO signs. In fact, there really were not any until last April when things started to unravel. I don't know if it was stress from work, if it was boredom, or if he just could no longer hold it together any longer.

It all started with me finding out about his porn issue. In the middle of the night he started hanging out in the guest bathroom...with his computer...and waking up at zero-dark:thirty in the morning. On several occasions I found him on his computer, "working".

One morning I went into the guest bathroom to get some cleaning products and saw his computer and I couldn't resist. I opened it and found all the porn and the web memberships to the sex date websites. I was shocked!

We immediately went into counseling. He denied the sex date memberships, but confessed to the porn. He understood how it hurt and promised to stop. He agreed to transparency and computer monitoring. Unbeknown to him, I installed a keystroke logger on his computer.

He then left out of town for a four and half month project overseas. He apparently facilitated the OW being invited to the project.

When I was diagnosed with my new cancer a month ago, he came home. The internet secrecy started again and the keystroke logger revealed more porn and a "love you" e-mail to the OW.

I confronted him and of course he denied it. He had to report back to the project, but in the meantime, stupidly the OW posted pictures from the project on her Facebook page. She is now off the project and back to her regular job.

It's like the man has two sides...one he shows openly...the other is all secrets....

Wow, life has sure dumped on you recently.

I think it's unfortunately not all that uncommon for someone to get involved in an A when their spouse is very ill. They are seeking an escape from the stress, fear, uncertainty, and pain of their spouse's illness. It's a lowlife scum-belly thing to do, but it happens.

Can you just let your H deal with the rental? I'm assuming it's insured and he just needs to get on the phone and get the ball rolling. He can do that from wherever he is, so put that on him.

I agree, you probably didn't really know the man you married. That's a lot of problems to deal with in sixteen months. You can't kick him to the curb so you may as well try to repair the M to the best of your ability.

I'd expose the affair, for sure. Expose it to her husband or boyfriend, to his parents, your parents, anyone who has influence in his life. Exposure is not for punishment. It's not for vengeance. It's to bring the affair into the light of day (affairs thrive on secrecy) and enlist the support of people close to you and your H. Exposure goes something like this: "H is having an affair with OW (other woman). While this breaks my heart, I'm committed to fixing my part in our marriage and I hope we can make it better than it ever has been. I hope that you will support my H and me as we go through this difficult time."

As far as exposing to OW's boyfriend or husband, have solid proof - copies of emails, copies of phone records, whatever. OW's boyfriend or husband won't want to believe what you're saying and would rather write you off as a lunatic. He can't very well argue with proof.

I'm sorry you find yourself in a position to need this site, but I'm glad you found the site. Welcome.

Hello Turtlehead,

Thanks for the advice. As for my illness, I was just diagnosed (dx) a month ago, and for all outward appearances, I'm the picture of perfect health...I just have this cancer growing inside. I actually feel really good, in spite of episodes of pain that I deal with. And his A started before my dx...the e-mail exchanges have been going on for quite sometime (total time and details of A are unknown at this point).

BTW: He had cancer too...it's how we met. You would think a fellow cancer survivor would have more empathy.

Can you get social security disability?

Oh, sorry...missed that question. I can start the application process now, but a person must be permanently disabled and disabled for a period of six months before benefits start.

Even though my prognosis is not good, I plan on being back on my feet or very close to it in six months. I have more biopsies scheduled next month when my WH comes home, and major surgery at the end of Nov. Hopefully by Spring I'll be on the better side of mended. I beat this once, I can do it again. It's my marriage I'm not so confident about.

And I did kick the rental house problem to my WH - he obviously need someTHING to do.

I would apply for SS disabiltiy just so you have a back up plan.

Keep all of your options open.

CAW,

I have some experience with what you are going through, although it is not exactly the same. I don't relate this story to excuse your husband, personally I think what he is doing is horrible.

I was diagnosed 6+ years ago with a very serious cancer. For some number of years, I don't even know how many, I was emotionally absent from my marriage. My Wife found the support of friends and cancer survivors very helpful in those days.

I was lucky that one of those support persons had a husband who was afflicted with cancer early in their marriage, and she related to my wife how guilty she felt over an affair she had at that time, 20 years ago. I'm not sure that that story helped strengthen my wife against infidelity, but I am very grateful. I would credit my wifes honorabilty more than anything.

I think the point of both of these stories is that cancer is hard on the healthy spouse too.

One of the support person related is how horrifing is was when the hair falls out, its almost like becomming old overnight and is quite traumatic.

BTW, after reading this site and following some of the threads, I saw myself in many of them and my wife in others, I don't know how my wife did not cheat on me at that time. I think I would even understand an emotional affair had that happened.

NJ

CAW,

Also, I think at that time I would have been incapable of finding solace in an affair myself, I was far too worried about health insurance and keeping my job. Unfortunately the two go hand in hand in this country. Kinda like an umbrella that collapses when it rains, sucks.

God Bless
NJ

Cawife,

What is it that YOU want?

Do you want him in your life after such a short time together and him cheating already?

Welcome to MB, CAW. Stage 3 cancer survivor here. Golden year was 2 years ago.

My then-H was also having an affair in the midst of my cancer diagnosis & treatments. He was not supportive but instead was completely indifferent, almost mean, which felt so very cruel. Harley, the owner of this site, tells us affairs are addictions. I have to agree because my H was acting like an unfeeling addict, borderline monster.

His OW harassed me during all this. Up till then, I had never met the woman. I learned she was angry because my H promised to leave me and he hadn’t followed thru yet. She called me and left several messages on our ans machine calling me a cancerous c-word and lots more. My therapist convinced me to take her to court to place a permanent anti-harassment order on her, which I did.

My therapist, doctors and friends here on MB and in RL were my support system thru all this. I never thought I would survive. When I say that, much like you my H’s betrayal is what occupied all my thoughts over cancer and getting well. My therapist told me later that I appeared robot-like when it came to going to the treatments, I just did what I had to do. My emotions were so tied up in my H’s betrayal, I didn’t have any room left to concentrate on getting well. Which caused me to need further treatments well over what was planned. Cancer feeds on stress.

I finally woke up and came to realize that if I didn’t start taking care of ME and stop worrying about what he was doing, I may not survive at all. When push comes to shove CAW, your health trumps all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is keep an eye on your stress when it comes to working thru your H’s betrayal. I would also recommend you tell your doctors what you’re going thru so they’re aware you have this added stress in your life. Its important they know.

God bless,
Jo

Bumping to see how CAW is doing.

Jo