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Joined: Jan 2010
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hola Offline OP
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Hi all, this is my attempt to get more response here. But, I don't want to start a new thread.

So, a short summary of my situation and an update...

Me and WW 39, together 18 years married 10 years, two sons 8 and 1. My wife fell out of love a year before we were married. WW won't let me have intimacy or SF after she fell out of love. I tried but many time withdrew away and she thought I am neglecting her. She hates that we live with my parents.

She told me she was not in love with me 3 years ago and in love with someone else. I asked her to work on our marriage. I think I did not meet her EN's back then but I thought we were back on track when we had some SF leading to the second son.

D-day was the last December (2009). As she told me, she gave up on our M a few years before meeting OM. She showed him her interest for 2 years and now they are in love for 1 years. I asked for a chance to try to fix our M. She refused to give up OM but slowly giving me more time.

I tired to meet her EN for about a month and started exposing around the end of Jan (2010). Now she on longer give me time to meet her EN of conversation. She won't go out with me. Now, she mostly locked herself in her room playing Facebook. The exposure had little effects up to this point, she still meets OM and talks to OM on the phone regularly. Any R talk or my interference with their contact results in her pushing for a divorce. She said that now that everyone know, she will not consider working on our M or dropping OM.

My plan was to hold out for a few more months. But, I am getting very tired of her A. At least, I am trying to see if I can keep the sons but so far she also wants them. She said she will go if she has a place to stay. OM may be trying to provide one or she could find one herself.

Currently I have no idea what to do with the A. I am trying to keep my Plan A but really have had no meaningful contact with my wife. I think I am suppose to push for LS but so far my wife only wants divorce. She only concern now is a place to stay. She and OM might be finding one. She also asked me to find one for the sake of our sons.

Only comfort I have now is reading posts here....any advise is welcome...


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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Let your WW leave, then plan B her. Then stay with your kids, your psrents can help you with them.

However since she has cut you off from SF. "My wife fell out of love a year before we were married. WW won't let me have intimacy or SF after she fell out of love" I would doubt the kids are yours.

I bet she has been in a long term affair. Putting out for you every time the OM knocked her up just so you would think the kids were yours.

Time for a DNA test.

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hola Offline OP
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Hi,

To TheRoad,

Thanks for your constant advises for me. I think the first son should be mine. He was born 8 years ago and when we were abroad while I was studying. I don't think she have another OM back then. And from my snooping, the second is also mine since they starts dating while my wife was pregnant (7-8 months).

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Let your WW leave, then plan B her. Then stay with your kids, your parents can help you with them.

That is what I want. But currently, she wants to D first and to take the younger son (at least for 1-2 years) and want the older one to choose. I think she also expect me to find her a place close to school. I could resist helping but if we get a divorce, she would have enough money and get child supports. Also I don't want our kids be in any uncomfortable situation and I don't think I can stop other relatives form helping out.

She might try to run with the younger son. This is what worried me. She said something about OM is preparing... But she probably give him back when he starts going to school. That is what she said on D-day. She just want to rise the baby for a while and go.

I am trying to do PlanA. But eventually, I need PlanB but not sure how to go there. I am thinking about really interfering with her A big time. Try to get her to want to leave so much she agrees to my terms. The problem is I don't want her to run away and I am not sure I can do it. Right now I am just trying to avoid confronting her contact, it is just too tiring now. Every time, I tried, she won't talk to me for days... From I read here, setting boundary is not LB, but it sure looks like one for my wife!



[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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Who pays for her internet access? If you do, block facebook so she cannot use it at home. Put a key logger on your PC and see what other methods she uses to communicate with OM and block them, too. Or cancel all internet service to your home.

Does she call and text the OM? If so, have texting removed from that phone's service plan and block OM's number so he cannot call her.

You mentioned a few things you are doing to fill her need for affection. Things like buying her lunch, or flowers, or sending her a card. To me those are not affection at all. To me, affection is holding the door open for me and then touching me lightly on the back as I pass through. Putting your hand on my arm or knee when you lean in to talk to me. Play with my hair. Look at me in the eye for just a little too long when we talk. Rub my feet. To me, affection is very physical but it is NOT sexual. Now your wife may see flowers and cards as signs of affection and if she does then you are doing great. If your wife is like me, though, you are working very hard and missing the mark.

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hola Offline OP
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Hi turtlehead, thanks for coming here!

About the internet and phone, I pay for everything except WW manages all my finances. I know I should try to get control of my finances but WW is resisting. Last time I talk about it, she was upset with me for a long time. I can just seize it but some are in her name so I can't touch those. What can I do???

Turtlehead, I think you are right about her EN for affection. But, after the exposure, she constantly upset with me. She mostly won't talk to me, won't let me near her, etc. I think I meet some EN before the exposure. But, now, I am starting to think that exposure may not be good in my case (the exposure was 1 month ago).

I am in PlanA so I am trying not to do anything with the finances or interfering with her contacting OM. I am waiting to see if she will let me meet her EN. Is this a good idea? I don't know....Is is a general consensus here that BS should always interfere with A? Should I do this now or wait until I want her to think about moving out or separation?

I still did not talk to a lawyer. I think I will think more clearly once I do.


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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Hola - You need to interfere with the affair. Trying to meet her EN's while she is in contact with the OM is useless. Protect your finances!

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hola Offline OP
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Hi, just a quick update here...

It has been about a month since my last post. So far, the situation here is getting worse. Contact between my wife and OM seems to be intensified. I have seen them together twice now. My love for my wife is running really low.

I really think I should just D her and move on soon. Only problem now is the kids.... On Plan B, I guess... but I really am doubtful if she would come back or if I would take her back if she ever going to come back now.

Just venting really...


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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hola Offline OP
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Update and help request,

My wife and I now divorced for about a month. I did plan B for about 2 now. She is still living with me. Last week she went on a trip with OM and my two kids. After the trip she has second thought and now want to save our family. She asked OM to leave. What troubled me is that they did not actually have a fight or a break up first.

A few days ago she learned that she is pregnant with OM (for about a month, she said). So she told OM and me. She just asking me yesterday if I still "want" her back if she is pregnant.

So, I said that she will need to committed to rebuilding our love. This could be hard since she did not love me for a long time (even before we were married). I asked for no-contact. She said is could be hard since they now have a child together. She refuse to have an abortion.

My question is about no-contact with OM in this case. Can anyone give me advise or pointer on this. What is acceptable and will allow withdrawal....


Last edited by hola; 08/04/10 10:38 PM.

[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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wait let me get this straight....

You are divorced
and yet your Xwife still lives with you
she cheated on you
and Pregnant with the OM baby???

KICK HER OUT!!!!!!

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hola Offline OP
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Yes, I am in a sad situation. It has always been.

She is in the process of moving out to a place I bought (in my name). I need to make sure my kids have comfortable place to stay. They will go back and forth.

I would like to keep our family together as she also wants. But then OC will not be in a complete family instead!

Anyway, I am waiting for her final decision. And, see her action from there. I can always walk away since we are divorced already. I plan not to find anyone until next year anyway.....I just can't seem to let go.


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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Hola,

Can you ever trust this woman again?

Suggest that she give up the baby for an open adoption where both W and OM have visitation. This would keep OM out of your childrens lives.

She takes a vacation with OM while you are paying her bills? My GOD, I agree with the other posters KICK HER OUT.

God Bless
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hola, I posted to you in your thread in recovery but now I see you are actually divorced. My question then is does OM want contact with this future OC? Are you willing to raise this child as your own? Would OM be willing to let you adopt the OC? I would run in the opposite direction if their "plan" is for OM to have contact. Having the OP in your life forever will make your M recovery even more difficult.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I understand that you want to provide and protect for your children. At the same time you are providing and protecting your wife. You are fulfilling her EN for Financial Support and Family Commitment (they may not be in her top 5, but they are still an EN). Sorry but that is not your job anymore, that is the OMs. You have no responsibility to provide her with a house, or the OC, that is up to her and the OM. However, you must provide for your kids.

I have no idea how you can provide and support your kids without your XWW taking some of that support. If there is a way to provide a comfortable life for your kids without your XWW having a part would be the best goal. What you are doing now is the same thing as if she were married to you and cheating. Why do you want to put yourself through this agony again and again, longer and longer!

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Can I be the bad guy on this thread?

STOP PAYING FOR HER!!!

YOU ARE DIVORCES!!

GET YOUR BALLS BACK FROM HER, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT!!

Yes make sure that your children is taking care of, but ONLY YOUR CHILDREN!!

NOT YOUR X CHEATING WIFE! WHO IS PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER MANS CHILD!!

laugh

Sorry to be harsh, but when I see someone who is divorced who is providing for his wife still...just makes me ill.

Good luck you can ignore my posts if I am being too mean laugh

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hola Offline OP
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To Shapphire,
No it is OK. I like it. I am only paying child support. We are staying in my parents home and my parents want to keep her here so they can play with the kids. (We split custody of the two kids actually) but she is moving out in a week or two. Unless she decide to work on us again and have NC with OM. She is deciding on this.

I need to make sure my kids are in comfortable home. I can't just provide only for the kids. Anyway, If I am not giving her the place to stay someone else in our family will. So, it might as well be me.

To faithful,
I can see my self raising OC. OC is not the problem if XW agree to NC with OM. However, OM want to see OC. He asked to for OC. This is the problem. I will not take my X back if NC is not established. I am ready to walk away.

To Wheels,
I know exactly what you are saying. At the beginning I asked her to find her own place. But in the end, I just need to find a good one for my kids. If I am not hoping about getting her back, would not this be OK? My kids are more valuable, I think. And, I am ready to move on.

Do I wait for her to decide about NC or do I try to convince XW and OM to let me raise OC and OM to stay away. I think I will break Plan B and go talk to her.

I think writing make me feel better!


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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hola Offline OP
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To Gamma,

Trust is the key issue, along with NC. I don't know. I will just have to see what she does.

The baby is hers by law. So I can't tell her what to do. What ever she wants, I will let her back only with good NC.



[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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I have a question. How do you consider yourself to be in Plan B with a woman that you still live with? How is that even possible? Plan B means that you have absolutely no direct contact with the other person. Unless that's a pretty big house, I don't think you've been doing an actual Plan B.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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This is such a mess!!

I'm OUT!

Good luck!

Gunna let the vet's help ya, laugh

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hola Offline OP
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To writer1,
Plan B or not, I have about one contact a day when I wake up. But I give her a ride with me on Friday in the morning and evenging (I know I know)... I mostly stay away from her. I only play with my kids in the morning and in the evening. My mom shuffle them around for me. It was the first trip XW took with OM that make she realized she miss our family together. This is about 2 months after I started to withdraw from her (1 after divorce).

I might be jumping the gun here. She is still thinking anyway.....Waiting time.

They said I should wait one or two years for WW to come around before moving on. With OC, I am really eager to move on now. I am quite a catch, I think (owner's bias aside). I am just not sure if I can feel the same way I did with my WW with someone else again.


[url= http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...mp;#Post2330724 ] my summary and current situation [/url]
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