To cut a long story we had an incident that was over nothing, just the kids arguing and "someone" smashed our windows (yep it was this other girls Dad). He is a complete idiot - been in prison etc. Police can do nothing - person who did it had a motorbike helmet on etc.

To be honest, I want to move on, it was hassle but I really want him coming back and things escalating. Wife on the other hand seems obsessed on paying him back somehow. We agreed to keep it quiet because we really didn't want to antagonise things knowing how little we can do about it. Shes now on a mission to tell everyone about it.

I've tried to explain that her actions affect everyone, inc the kids. She just won't listen. Its got to the point where I had to get really serious and basically say look cut it out or things are going to be bad between us.

Now its my fault because I'm telling her what to do and trying to control her apparently. My take is this is REALLY important and in a couple you can't just go off and do what you want. She just does not seem to care - its become an obsession now.

I really don't want to split we've been married a LONG time but I don't want to be concerned about some stupid things my wife does in the future for ever. Its not the first time either.

Any advice?

I'll just say that I don't understand why you have replied to a thread where the original poster posted twice, nearly 5 years ago, and never came back.

Why? Because I seem to be on Dr Harley's ignore list. I have already posted several emails on related topics that have gone unanswered.

In any case his answer would likely be that the program only works when both partners buy into the concept of extraordinary care and agree on what that care entails. When the program doesn't work he suggests finding an agent who can motivate at least one partner to engage in that care or to move on to Plan B. How is plan B not the ultimate tool of coercion to get your needs met?

Lack of satisfying any of the emotional needs are not actually going to kill you. Some Love Busters such as anger however may. Lack of sex fulfillment will lead to frustration, resentment and eventually bitterness and can to some extent be dealt with via self gratification although that lacks any bonding effect which is really where the fulfillment bit does its magic.

Unlike apparent successes in overcoming other things like affairs and anger I can't actually see any threads on here where concerns expressed over mismatched libidos have come to a good outcome.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and ask him about your confusion?

I've been trying to resist adding to this thread as I find myself in a nominally similar position, although without some of the substantial complicating medical issues. I have not been able to achieve a satisfactory outcome.for myself, so any commentary I make is definitely questionable in the context of this website.

The need for sexual fulfillment is apparently only of concern to the OP as it is not reciprocated by her husband, while he will apparently readily accept receiving his own gratification. Obviously a significant mismatch in emotional needs there. The bigger problem however is the obvious lack of care to work on a solution enjoyable to both. There is no point in finding reasons or making excuses for why he is not interested. If there is no desire to work on a mutually enjoyable solution,that is the problem to work on.

I don't think there is any magic wand or pill yet that will make a partner sexually connected again against their will. My only suggestion is to present your husband with Dr Harley's definition of what marriage is and see what the reaction is. You will probably be able to judge then whether you are dealing with a buyer or a freeloader. If the concept of marriage being a relationship of extraordinary care isn't agreeable to him, you are up the proverbial creek.

What do you do however if your 'my care' doesn't match up with what he considers to be his 'his care'? Listening to today's MB radio increases my confusion about how that all fits in to the subtleties of defining what abuse is. Is resentment born of consistent rejection and being ignored, that makes you withdraw yourself, considered to be using your own reactive rejection as a tool of coercion? Is withholding part of yourself in the hope that it will trigger a change in your partner to get your own needs met a form of abuse itself?

Determining how to proceed when you realize you are living with a freeloader after 40 years of marriage is difficult.