Whew, I'm finally caught up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to tell you that growing up, My mother ran our house. I thought that was the way things were supposed to be, and for YEARS that is what I attempted to do...and obviously I wasn't met by much success. I was subserviant in ways and rebellious in ways, I was certainly an odd combination.

It had become VERY clear to me, by means of my previous crisis that I was NOT doing what I was supposed to be doing and because of my upbringing and my stubborness I honestly don't know how else God could've gotten my attention. I wouldn't have been receptive to hearing any of the things I have learned without being stripped of the things I held so dear, and left in this painful and broken state, I looked to God to fix me. I cried out to heaven and asked for help, I asked for mercy, and was severely depressed when I didn't receive them......it's strange but as I am typing this I don't think I ever asked God why, I don't think that I every thought "Oh why me?!?!" I KNEW why me....I knew that I wouldn't have listened any other way......I knew God was knocking, but chose to ignore him, I figured "If it ain't broke....don't fix it" Well it was broken, and I just refused to see it, I have a whole new perspective now.

I am submissive to my husband now.....and it's a whole lot less painful than I would've ever thought it would be, it's easy actually. Before I didn't respect my husband, I thought since he was less educated than I was that I was superior, and that he should be thankful I graced him with my presence......well now, what a treat I must have been to be around....I wonder why he had an affair. The OW was my polar opposite, and that baffled me for the longest time....but it is becoming painfully clear to me now, that this mousy little thing, that I have NO respect for was probably GUSHING respect for my FWH....and that was a need that had been going unfilled for a very long time.

My Mother has ZERO respect for what I'm doing, she sees my submission as weakness. I don't share her opinion, I think that it takes great strength for me to trust in my Lord, and submit to my husband, and I can see it working, I can see God saying "FINALLY, Caren" I am finally giving God the credit he deserves for the things in my life. I know that he knows what is best for me, and have completely let go of the wheel. Times when I am suspicious of things and start to get back into the mode where I could VERY easily jump up and try to run things again, I am gently brought back to God, I stop and ask him for his guidance, instead of reacting, and he NEVER steers me wrong.

I used to hate the phrase "The meek shall inherit the earth". I am a very strong woman, and I thought....how is this possible? The meek never do anything, life just happens to them, that phrase is worthless. How wrong I was. I didn't realize that meek is not synonmous with weak, meek does not mean that life will just happen to me, it means that I understand my role now, and that I trust that in God all things are possible. It is not necessary for me to steam roll everybody in order to reach my goal, I only need to follow God and the rest takes care of itself. It's amazing, and wonderful, and it feels like the weight of the world has finally been taken off my shoulders, or more appropriately I have finally allowed God to relieve me of my self imposed burden.

I wanted to also tell you a story that my Pastor told me. He is a baptist minister, and generally I don't care for the fire and brimstone delivery of a baptist minister, but this is not his style. I had just separated from my husband and moved into my 1/2 double, and on the other side of the double is a neighbor that I had known for years, we had previously lived beside each other, well this woman is a crack addict (I know that sounds so urban, but I live in the suburbs...very quiet) and her husband is an alcoholic, and they were both members of this small baptist church (not GOOD members...but members just the same). The pastor had stopped by to pay them a visit and I just happened to be on their porch talking about something. He came up to the door, and they introduced me to him and much to my dismay told him about the separation and how sad I'd been. The pastor talked to me so kindly, and told me a story of a rocky time in his own marriage. He was not a minister at this time, he was married, but out running around with his friends and drinking...etc. His wife went to church, which he found unnecessary. She submitted to him, even though he was not living like he should be, she went to church, and demonstrated through her actions that she was a Godly woman and before long God began to change him through her, he began to realize that he needed to change, and subsequently went to college and became a minister. He said "Mrs. M" (That's me)"I was a rascal, I am lucky that my wife stayed married to me".

He is the sweetest man, and I thank God for his influence.

I thank God a lot now. Before when I was separated I was miserable, and asking God to help me.....I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I had a man at work tell me, Caren.....you are asking God to do these things for you, and he will, but Caren are your prayers to God only about you? (They totally were) He said "Caren, even in our darkest hour, there are so many things to thank God for...we work in a hospital, there are so many people that have it worse than we do, pray for them Caren, pick someone everyday, and you pray for them. You praise God for the blessings that you have recieved and you ask him for guidance in your own life, but you ask God to help these people, they are sick and they need your prayers." And so I did, I began to pick a person everyday to pray for, and on the way to work instead of mulling over in my mind what a crappy deal I'd gotten, I made the entire ride to work a long prayer praising God for everything that I did have, not a pity party of everything I was without."

I have a little trouble grasping the obvious, and when I finally get it, I think Oh my gosh, what is my problem? I knew this all along.

Mortar, thank you so much for starting this series, you should do this for a living. Your wife is a lucky woman.

I am anxiously waiting for the rest of this thread, what a blessing that you started it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In Gods Love,


Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.

BS-Me 39
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.