Originally Posted by disgustedandsad
So, tonight my WH tells me that he doesn't see why the BS has no responsibility in the A.

Did he talk it over with you first? Did he ask you if you were okay with him dating and sleeping with other women? Or did he make that decision entirely without you?

He wanted to discuss that and explore the idea.

He wants to dodge responsibility for his own very selfish and destructive actions. He wants to blameshift onto somebody else.

"But where is the part that the BS played in all of it? Or do BSes like to think that they had no part in the events? I don't think all A's are textbook except in the minds of those looking for them to be."

He wants somebody to tell him that you "drove" him to have an affair, so his choice was reasonable and it's not really his fault. Again: Blameshifting.

If the mariage was bad, he had two choices:
1) Talk to you about it and get professional help if needed.
2) Move out, file for divorce and THEN go look for somebody else.

Option 3, "have an affair withoug your spouse's knowledge or consent", was entirely his decision. That's why 100% of THAT responsibility falls on him.

Unless and until he accepts that, he still a walking foghorn.

I think he resisting taking full responsibility and making the changes needed.

Uh, yeah. And good point. If it wasn't his fault and he did nothing wrong because YOU drove it to it, then why should HE change anything?

Big. Red. Flag.

Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.