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Originally Posted by disgustedandsad
Thanks, we will do so. Can you give me some examples of what you guys plan out? I'd love to do enough to have the FALL IN LOVE feelings back.

Do it in 2-4 hour blocks throughout the week and include SF as often as possible [I am not including here because it is TMI, but you get the idea]. Doing it in big lumps on the weekends doesn't work as well. Here is a typical week:

Monday 6 - 8 Dinner, chat about day

Wednesday - 5 - 8 early dinner, shopping at Walmart

Friday 6 - 8 catfish dinner, ride though new sub

Saturday 12-5 lunch, home show expo

Sunday: 1-5 house shopping in new subdivision, late lunch


The key is to actually PLAN it out like on a piece of paper together. You are more likely to do it if you do it that way, rather than winging it.

Then at the end of each date, write down your actual time together and then tally it up at the end of the week.

Please note that the time must be undivided attention in order to be effective. That means no friends, children, no one except you two. No movie watching or anything that takes your attention OFF each other.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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DS, when you go out, dress up and look as pretty as possible. Focus on being as pleasant as possible. No fighting, no affair talk, no angry outbursts, and most of all: don't agree to an activity that makes you unhappy!!

Read this to see what I mean:

He loves Chinese and I love Mexican food. He hates Mexican and I hate Chinese. Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his MExican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy.

And I did learn the HARD way that the agreement has to be enthusiastic. If the other person agrees reluctantly to avoid conflict, you have missed the point because the result will still be unhappiness which will lead to incompatibility.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, we avoid situations that cause stress and could lead to an angry outburst. For example, my H has low traffic tolerance. A single angry outburst over traffic can ruin our time together. He has learned to control his AO's, but still, we avoid traffic where possible so he doesn't get jacked up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh, thank you so much! I am will do my best to sit and plan with him and make sure the SF is in there too.

The Mexican and Chinese analogy is a good one because we do that a lot - not just with restaurants. We need to find things that we both enjoy! No more scorekeeping!



Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Normal to feel the way you are.

Recovery takes two to five years.

As to WH wanting threesome's still and now with you not necessary so. Most likely a need to keep the affair going. The affair was like a drug where they needed bigger doses to maintain a diminishing high.

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Thanks for telling me I am normal! A year seems like such a long time to still be angry and hurt!


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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So, tonight my WH tells me that he doesn't see why the BS has no responsibility in the A.

He wanted to discuss that and explore the idea.

This is after a year of IC and MC. He is reading Love Busters right now.

I just see the continued entitlement that he doesn't get. Here is what he said:

"But where is the part that the BS played in all of it? Or do BSes like to think that they had no part in the events? I don't think all A's are textbook except in the minds of those looking for them to be."

Is there any hope for this guy? Our MC is good - she is an infidelity expert. I just dont think he has been internalizing what he is told. I think he resisting taking full responsibility and making the changes needed.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
Joined: May 2008
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Disgusted,

I saw your post on DoNoMo's thread on the recovery forum. I hope you have some good plans to keep you extra busy today.

Were you able to resolve the issue in your last post on this thread? Have you been able to schedule the UA time?

Hugs today.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by disgustedandsad
So, tonight my WH tells me that he doesn't see why the BS has no responsibility in the A.

Did he talk it over with you first? Did he ask you if you were okay with him dating and sleeping with other women? Or did he make that decision entirely without you?

Quote
He wanted to discuss that and explore the idea.

He wants to dodge responsibility for his own very selfish and destructive actions. He wants to blameshift onto somebody else.

Quote
"But where is the part that the BS played in all of it? Or do BSes like to think that they had no part in the events? I don't think all A's are textbook except in the minds of those looking for them to be."

He wants somebody to tell him that you "drove" him to have an affair, so his choice was reasonable and it's not really his fault. Again: Blameshifting.

If the mariage was bad, he had two choices:
1) Talk to you about it and get professional help if needed.
2) Move out, file for divorce and THEN go look for somebody else.

Option 3, "have an affair withoug your spouse's knowledge or consent", was entirely his decision. That's why 100% of THAT responsibility falls on him.

Unless and until he accepts that, he still a walking foghorn.

Quote
I think he resisting taking full responsibility and making the changes needed.


Uh, yeah. And good point. If it wasn't his fault and he did nothing wrong because YOU drove it to it, then why should HE change anything?

Big. Red. Flag.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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