Originally Posted by Lin63
Hello, FightTheFight
How long did it take to truly feel recovered ? Any to tips to help with the dwelling? Tips with unknown triggers as they come up?
Thanks, And yes it is wonderful to hear success.


As far as how long, I believe it took us longer because we were about a year into it before we started here. It made it a lot harder because we did some of the wrong things for so long. And there is that tendency for the unfaithful spouse to want it to be over with already. That said, I'm not sure I can put a number on it. It's a gradual process. It's not like it just happens one day. What does happen is that you think of it less and less frequently until you hardly think of it at all ever.

As far as the dwelling, I'd suggest focusing on your goal. If your goal is to have a happy, successful marriage, then sit down and talk with each other about what that looks like to each person. And then focus on it. Think about what it will feel like, what you will be doing, how you will be living. Visualization is a powerful thing. But it will keep you focused on the future and will motivate you to take those baby steps every day to get there. If you must dwell on something, dwell on the future. That's all you can really change. The past is unchangeable.

As far as unknown triggers, forgive yourself for having them. Whatever you do, don't take them out on your spouse. Consider whether discussing it with your spouse gets you closer to your goal or sets you back. Is it necessary to discuss so as to have their help to avoid it, or is it just a random thing? It really does help to immediately turn your attention to something positive. The brain literally cannot think of two things at once.

Hope that helps.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered