I am so annoyed and fed up with myself.

I just met up with a really close friend today for dinner with the children, who I met through BF. Her husband is supporting BF through this separation and ofcourse she wants to stay neutral through this process. Meeting up with her is a major trigger in this process and was not a good idea. I made it clear to her that I am doing well and getting on with life. Seeing her was just a reminding of my life with him, and I am so annoyed at myself for being so sensitive and soft.

I am so fed up with myself to come from such a bad relationship to now spending my every waking hour looking for signs of clues that he still loves or cares about me. This is what I am actually doing!!! I am looking up youtube videos to watch 'signs that your ex wants you back' and everytime he tries to break PLan B I am secretly pleased because it is showing that he is affected in some way and trying to have some sort of contact Here I am at the age of 44 still searching for crumbs as I believe I have so little self worth. This is how the relationship was for 2 years and continues to be that way.

I have sent him a Plan B letter and he has done NOTHING about it. I think he is clearly happy with the situation and moving on. Yet I am stuck pining for something that never was trying to keep my head above water.

I just want out now, I really really crave the Plan B.

I also have another confession is that he is texting me almost daily something to do with the children. Just things like, can you pack a water bootle, or please put a coat in that kind of thing. On Thursday after I spoke to him at the doorway, later that evening he sent me a picture of DS at the football and I responded.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I need to get the IM to send him a message not to contact me on phone? I even regret sending the Plan B letter as he has done nothing in it.

Why am I so weak? I am intelligent degree educated woman with good job, great friends, lovely family, 2 wonderful children. I would like to consider myself reasonably attractive and here I am sat pining for BF that never really wanted me anyway.

I want to close the door and move on completely.