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HI MB Folks

I have set up a new thread, I was previously on Dating and Relationships, with the log on name Reasonswhy. I decided to move off there as BF mentioned about me doing 'online chats' and I am concerned that he may check up on the site. So I know I am in the wrong section but thought I would move off there for the time being. All those that have been helping me SugarCane, LivingWell, BrainHurts, Goody2shoes, Melody_Lane and any other posters, please continue to support me I really need it.

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HI MB peeps - I hope you all had a good weekend.

So I am going to give myself a huge pat on the back for 2 weeks in Plan B, with no contact of BF. I survived pretty well a major milestone of BF moving into his new house and the kids staying over on Sat night. I am also feeling pretty sane and have not fallen apart. I feel like I have gained some self esteem back instead of clinging on to a humiliating situation.

I am quite amazed at how strong I have been and I guess what is getting me through is the support of this site and how poorly he treated me when we were together. I have focused on that when I have a weak moment. Although

So the only thing I am doing which is not good is;

1. Checking his instagram to see what he has been upto
2. Snooping with the kids to find out about house and gain any insight into what he is thinking.

From the last post BrainHurts said I need to come off the Whatsapp group which I have now done.

I found out from the kids that when they stayed overnight that he asked about what Mummy was doing tonight and where was she going and who with. Does that show that there is still something there? Is there any hope?

I also found out that he has told the lead football coach that we had separated and was also honest about why!!! That he had made a very silly mistake with another woman and that we were separated.

I think he might be accepting this whole thing is over and has really moved on. I need to do the same. In someway I think this site is giving me false hope. I am not quite prepared to face that. I guess I am looking for signs that he is still wants to sort things out, by his ways of finding constant contact and asking the kids what I am doing.

I need to send over a long term visit schedule this week. That is the next thing.

I still cant bring myself to write a PLan B letter - to me that is more humiliation.

I have emailed Joyce Harley to see if I can get another session on the radio. As last advice was to separate with the intention of dating and falling back in love. The problem is, BF is insisting there is no other woman and he is telling the kids that he will never do that again, so doubtful as how to move through this next stage.

I hope you find me all of you!!!


Thank you

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I hope you guys find me on here! This is my new thread that was previously in dating section under Reasonswhy.

The anger and shock has now passed through to a full full ache of missing the old him. I am not breaking down in tears just missing him.

Is this normal?

I have heard nothing. Thinking was I that awful that he would give up me, his kids and his home?

Have a good day guys.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/28/20 04:35 AM.
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Just had message from IM from BF

Hi, can someone let me know how DD is please? Ive heard 2nd hand through the school that she was ill yesterday. If I could be told it will be nice thank you".

I didnt let him know and now feel bad.

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IM should have responded without letting you know. Spam-filter, firewall. In her own words, no more copy-paste BF messages. And only relevant messages.

This is not NC. That's why you feel bad.

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Thanks Good2shoes - should I have informed him DD was off sick? Thanks

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We have moved this thread back to the Dating/Relationship forum since it doesn't belong in the Surviving an Affair forum. If you feel the threads need to removed because they have been detected, let me know and we discuss options. Thank you.


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Thank you Denali. I hope previous MB posters pick up on my new thread!

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thanks Good2shoes - should I have informed him DD was off sick? Thanks

Best to start with plan B.

Read the 'how to plan B' topic.

Write the letter, state your boundaries, under what circumstances are you willing to reconcile (if you are not willing to reconcile, tell him that). Let him know why you are doing this and what the rules are.

Protect yourself legally.

Did you send your sister the IM link? Send it again, because she is not following the instructions.

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Another good day thanks to all your help.

Feel a bit low and then get better as the day goes on. Been exchanging emails with Dr Harley and he has given me advice for PLan B letter. So thats all ready to go.

Does it feel bad to say that I am starting to get a bit bored and want to now start going out more having a life. IS that right or ok?

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Hey MelodyLane and Living Well

I am here!! This is my new thread smile

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Will you post your Plan B letter here, so we can provide feedback?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings


Does it feel bad to say that I am starting to get a bit bored and want to now start going out more having a life. IS that right or ok?


Fantastic, each day you will feel a little better. Did Dr Harley suggest you keep the door open to a possible recovery and marriage or has he changed his advice on that?

For now, get a dog, pick up a sport, find a hobby, volunteer, do fun things with your children. They are heavily dependent on you and are watching you carefully. Stay away from dating!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Hey BrainHurts and Living Well

So pleased you found my thread smile

OK here goes my letter reviewed and approved by Dr Harley;;


Dear BF

Your affair has made living with you the most painful experience of my life. I could also not tolerate your drinking or your anger, and all of those things together was the reason I wanted us to separate.

I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My sister will agree to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

If you can prove your affair is over, have stopped drinking and are in some anger management program, then we could see start dating again. If you wanted to live with me again then you would have to marry me first.

I loved our life together, I have never felt so contented. You were everything to me successful, fun, father of our children and I never so much looked at another man. All I ever wanted for the future was for all four of us to be together and have a wonderful life. I remember once you said 'i hope we are buried together' and thats how I saw it too.

I loved you since I first met you and still do now, but cannot go back to how it was.

Love CoolB

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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings


Does it feel bad to say that I am starting to get a bit bored and want to now start going out more having a life. IS that right or ok?


Fantastic, each day you will feel a little better. Did Dr Harley suggest you keep the door open to a possible recovery and marriage or has he changed his advice on that?

For now, get a dog, pick up a sport, find a hobby, volunteer, do fun things with your children. They are heavily dependent on you and are watching you carefully. Stay away from dating!


Hi Living Well smile

Yes Dr Harley suggested keep the door open but doesn't sound very optimistic in regards to recovery!!!

Dr Harleys advice;

The problem you face is that he never had legally committed himself to you. Living together without being married is a very precarious situation for women because they have no legal agreement for support for their future. Men who live with women without being married are characteristically unfaithful, and much more violent than men who are married (90% of all cases of domestic violence are with unmarried men who live with their partners). He does what he pleases because there is very little recourse for you when you object. While this relationship may end, you should not return to him under the conditions that you left because things would only get worse for you in the future. You should definitely see an attorney about child support and custody arrangements.

He may react to your letter with anger, but you should not second guess yourself. You have done the most reasonable thing to do for anyone in your situation. He may want to see you to discuss the situation face-to-face, to try to talk you out of your plan, but you should decline until your conditions are met. Surround yourself with people who support you in what you are doing.

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Thanks for sharing the letter. Have you sent it to him yet?

What do you think about Dr. Harley’s advice? The letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Thanks for sharing the letter. Have you sent it to him yet?

What do you think about Dr. Harley’s advice? The letter?


Thank you BrainHurts

Yes I agree with Dr Harleys advice and will stick to the plan.

I haven't sent the letter and I don't want to give it to him until he attempts to try and talk about anything. At the moment its been 2.5 weeks and he hasn't made any attempts. I dont want the humiliation of sending him anything yet.

My son came home from football last night saying - Daddy keeps talking about how much he loves you and how much he loves his family frown

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Without sending the letter you are in limbo. When you send it, you lay out the rules and what your boundaries are. It is not like you are begging him to take you back.

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Ok thank you goody2shoes

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Without sending the letter you are in limbo. When you send it, you lay out the rules and what your boundaries are. It is not like you are begging him to take you back.

I agree. Send him the letter.

Also, him trying to send messages through your son about "loving you" and "missing his family" is his way of trying to break Plan B. With the letter it states exactly what you expect.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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