Thank you so much for posting Sugar. I have been an absolute wreck and I believe it is been a build up of home schooling 2 children, working and dealing with the separation. I have let my emotions rule me and acted immaturely. I must look silly and childish and have allowed things to spin out of control.

I am reacting to what he is saying and doing, rather than what is best for the children and I and part of a plan.

I have also opened up to a few people, and they have given advice and its made me into a confused mess.

It all started to go out of control 3 weeks ago when I got upset about BF taking the children out for the day and didn't deal with it effectively. BF took the children to see his Dad for his birthday, it ended up being a whole day out. I felt excluded and that BF was pushing me away again when in reality he just got caught up in the day. He phoned me a few times during that day to let me know he was running late. I am feeling generally very insecure about his feelings for me.

Dr Harley said I must learnt to communicate my emotions in a more positive way. When I got upset with BF he backed off from me completely, which is when I started to panic and get angry. It reminded me of how it was when we were together, he does not like any criticism or complaints at all, and could sometimes give me the cold shoulder for weeks on end. Then when I asked him about his lease on his house, he said well I need to keep it until we get us right. I know this is the sensible thing to do, but cant help feeling that it is another rejection that he is still unsure about me even though we spent 12 weeks together. I feel like he should be fighting for me and desperate to come home and it should be me saying lets wait. At first when he came back I kept my distance and kept things at a sensible pace, then I let my guard down and just wanted things to get back to normal so I don't have to worry or think about 'us' anymore. I got fixated on him coming home. I was finding the terms of living separately but spending time together very difficult. Not being sure if I was seeing him that night or that weekend. Worrying about what he was upto when he was not with me.

In those 12 weeks when I broke 'Plan B' there were no angry outbursts and he was trying to prove to me that there was no other women in his life. Dr Harley saw this very positively and I guess I was taken a back. Dr Harley said that he has met 2 of your conditions in your Plan B letter. Dr Harley said that this guy wants to be in your life and for the rest of your life. I am scared that it is giving me false hope.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
I can understand still being in love with and not wanting the relationship to end for good. If that's how you feel, you need to take control and insist that he ends his drinking. There can be no relationship with him while he behaves as he does. When he has been dry for months you can date again, and when that goes well you can plan the wedding.

Which long-term strategy do you want to pursue? We can advise you on either of them, but you need to pick one and stick to it. If you're finished with him, take a deep breath and let the relationship go for good. If you would prefer to stay together, which would be a really good thing to do for the kids and if you love him, get him into rehab so that he stops destroying his brain and can think clearly and be a good husband.

I do still love him and do not want the relationship to end for good. I am scared that deep down he doesn't want me or he loves me but never thinks its going to work, and I am trying to protect myself from anymore pain or trying to come to terms with it being over as quickly as possible. I have been posting here for 13 months now.

Dr Harley said if you can do one thing for him it is to get him to stop drinking. That your BF should see this as a great act of care for him. That I should tell him that I will stand by his side and do it with him, offer an alchohol free relationship and that BF promises he will stop drinking now, and if he starts drinking again that he enters a rehab clinic. That it is something you do TOGETHER. If he doesn't want to give up drinking then you should move into Plan B. Dr Harley said I should give him his email address.

The day before I gave BF the silent treatment about going out for the day, he woke up from a hangover and said to me unprompted - I need to give up drinking and I need to do it to get us right. So he knows. Thats why I was so upset about him going off for the day as I felt we had made huge progress about him admitting his drinking as he has never done that before.

The problem is now, when he told me he was keeping the house, I pulled away and we are estranged again. Although he has been texting and calling a lot mainly about the kids. He also emailed me saying that he has booked a family outing and we should all go together. He is clearly in some sort of pain with us being estranged again.

I have offered for us to talk about 3 times now and he has not taken me up on the opportunity to do so.

I am not in any sort of plan, I have been in plan p for panic.

Please help me formulate a plan. Steady she goes.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 07/03/20 07:29 AM.