Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am so sorry I am on here all the time, I am just obsessed with trying to keep my family together. I do love BF too and so worried that he is slipping away through my fingers. I can’t quite believe I am still hanging in there? I am in no rush. DS said yesterday when Dad dropped him off can you both just get back together please? Silence.

I am terrified that all of how he has behaved is because he is simply not interested in me and he wants to go off and chase other women. He may even have another woman which is why he wanted to keep the house on, who knows? I guess he is free to do so as we are not living together and not married. He is constantly telling me what he is doing when he is not with me, even though I haven’t been asking.

He has been ambivalent about the relationship for over a year now. First off he complained of lack of SF and when that got better he complained that we did not get on.
My suggestion for how you progress through the issues is designed to help you take control, so that you are not left wondering what he wants and whether he has other plans.

Suppose that he has indeed finished with the relationship. Suppose he really does feel better off without (the name he called you to your mother). Suppose he has another woman and that's why he has kept his own house. Suppose he hasn't got a woman, but feels happy living alone, drinking, and not living with someone with whom he feels he does not get on.

When you talk to him, you will find out how he feels now. His answer will end that part of your uncertainty. If he feels reluctant to build a new relationship, you ask him to consider whether he could have a good relationship with you and the children, or whether he'd rather end things now. I don't think he needs to give you a definitive answer that day; you could keep the conversation open for several days while he thinks about the future - and, we hope, corresponds with Dr Harley.

If he is prepared to consider a relationship - however reluctantly - you show him that you have a plan that will enable you to end the bad habits from the past and start anew. That plan requires as its first step that he stops drinking there and then, for good, and that he lets you help him accomplish this. You tell him that you've enlisted the help of an expert in both alcohol addiction and marriage - Dr Harley - and that he is waiting to hear from BF.

I imagine that this conversation will shake him up a lot. I don't get the sense that you've ever before insisted that he stops drinking, for example. I can't imagine that he will take to that idea at all well. I can imagine that he'll be quite upset, and quite belligerent. You need to ask him to calm down and listen, and to stop swearing, or insulting you, or whatever else he does. If he won't stop and gets loud and angry, you need to end the "date".

But the point is, you need to take control and stop agonising about why he hasn't done something, or said something, or about what he is really feeling.

We always ask people this but your thread is so long I can't remember: have you asked your GP for any help with stress? Anti-depressants would make a big difference to your anxiety and sleeplessness. I know that you badly need relief from those things.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.