Originally Posted by SugarCane
Well done on saying all you needed to say, especially the stuff that Dr Harley coached you on. I think you did a fantastic job. I don't think you missed out anything. And the results were very good - he didn't reject your offer to rebuild, and he recognises that his drinking is harmful. You need to press on with getting him to prove every day that he has stopped.

Thank you so much for your support Sugar Cane. This made me a tad emotional when I read your responses and much more up beat.

I had a wonderful surprise this morning when I dropped the children off at school, BF was waiting outside and we were all really pleased to see him. We did the school drop off together which felt wonderful, he knows how much I love doing pick ups and drop offs together. He said perhaps we can all do tea together after school? This is great as its BFs turn to have the kids this weekend. I will join them for tea and then I have made plans to meet a GF for dinner.

I will try and convince him on Dr Harley. I am sure I can make some progress here.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
We need to find a way for you to not wilt when he says things that make you worry about his feelings for you. You seem to take in the comment, and suffer a dreadful loss of confidence because of it. If instead you could see a complaint as being valid information that you can use to affect a change, so that you do not destroy love bank units, that would change things enormously.

Yes I agree, I do focus on the negative and need to do some internal work to change this. He did bring one thing up at the lunch which is how it annoyed him I had run out of money mid month and that I was waiting for all my refunds to hit. SO I can make sure this does not happen.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
You did incredibly well. I think I recognise in your relationship a similar dynamic that affected mine. In my case, it was because H is older (that mattered at lot when I was only 19), better educated (university/not university at that time), brought up in a wonderful family, as opposed to my own chaotic mess that taught me nothing about good relationships, and that fostered no self-confidence. You need to learn to recognise that your needs are valid, and that your likes and dislikes about his behaviour are valid and must be voiced. You need to gain confidence from all the things you've achieved in your life. It's really hard to do, and takes a long time, but you must train yourself not to feel stupid for wanting what you want.

Thank you Sugar Cane. It must be a similar dynamic to me. I had extremely chaotic childhood, I was the youngest of 4, domestic abuse between parents, divorces, step parents, mother mental health problems, multi house moves but I never wanted that to define me. It obviously has some effect, as I crave security, its probably one of my biggest emotional needs. BF is 10 years older had a very settled childhood, was doted on. He is extremely confident, built a successful business ect...Dr Harley advised me that I need to communicate my emotions positively. I am working on this every day.